Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

“Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth.” - Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837)

“Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of which the purpose is too deep, going too deep in the blood and soul, for mental explanation or description.” - David Herbert Lawrence (1885-1930), English writer who often criticized modern living’s negative influence on humans

“Few people have the imagination for reality.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famous German writer

The truth is harsh. Lies, deception, misunderstandings, illusions, distortions, and deceit is much easier for our minds to accept than the truth due to its cushioning effect on the problems we ignore. It is easy-going, versatile, and satisfying to believe myths. Other times we accept myths over truth because we don’t know the difference. Moreover, a relationship expert, counselor, or psychologist may have mislead you in believing a myth is truth. Whatever the case maybe, this article is sure to shake up your communication belief and shock you into reality – allowing you to communicate more effectively.

Originally I was struggling to complete 10 myths for this article, but after brainstorming, researching, observing people communicate, coaching people on their communication skills, asking tens of thousands of subscribers on communication myths, and picking out myths from my buried notes, 15 myths fitted surprisingly snug. I believe all these myths need to be revealed, cleared, and truth be told so we are better empowered to improve our personalities and relationships.

The greatest myths of communication are arranged in order depending on their frequency and strength in people’s minds. From lies, illusions, flawed teaching, and misunderstandings, it’s time to debunk the top 15 all-time myths of communication:

#15 Myth: Logic makes communication effective

Logic destroys relationships. The next time you see two people in an argument, watch them focus on the logical level. Each person will give facts of which the other doesn’t care about. The content and logical focus of a conversation has been the demise of many relationships.

When bland words and facts are focused upon, causing emotions to be overlooked, the relationship suffers. Intelligence, reasoning, and rationality are fine. Problems can arise when logic gets center of attention in a conversion, especially during conflict. No one cares about who did what right and who did what wrong. We don’t have relationships because of a person’s logic.

Stop focusing on the content of conversations. Look beyond the words to see emotion. Start caring about people’s emotions towards the content of conversations because relationships are fueled by emotion. Even in business communications you need to focus on emotion. We want others to understand how we feel instead of pointing out the facts. When you understand humans are creatures of emotion, and that we are predictably irrational, you enable yourself to have great charisma and persuasive power. I recommend you read chapter 10 of my communication secrets for full details on how to communicate emotions.

#14 Myth: Effective communication is about telling the truth

I know this myth will be interpreted by readers in a different way than how I had intended it to be interpreted, so I’ve done my best to explain the myth. A person who always tells the blunt truth is disliked by those who always get told the truth. Truth-tellers use the excuse of “I tell it how it is.” and “If people can’t deal with reality, it’s their problem.” They may even see their need to tell the truth as a virtue.

The truth we tell others often manifests itself into harsh criticism that gets thrown back into our faces and results in nothing productive. When you reveal the truth, people may respond by becoming overly emotional, defensive, or argumentative. Therefore, not telling the truth can lead to more effective communication. I’m not advocating you to give people enormous amounts of praise when they sucked at something or to live a deceptive life. The purpose in lying is to help you and those who you lie to.

Leil Lowndes in How to Talk to Anyone advises people to lie when giving immediate feedback following a person who finishes a critical performance. She advises people to compliment someone on a public speech for example, when they performed poorly. Don’t go overboard with your lie by giving excessive praise; rather, tell a little lie, a temporary light sprinkle of sugar, to sweeten the situation. “Big Winners realize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momentary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth.” says Lowndes. “They also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect they screwed up, it won’t matter.”

Good people skills involve empathy and lying at appropriate times. The art of empathy, a skill where you feel what other people feel and communicate the feeling, involves lying. You can lie when it is more helpful for the truth to be ignored than if it were given. A few hours or days following the lie may be more appropriate to tell the truth should you think the truth needs to be told. By telling the truth at a later time, you provide the person with feedback that you feel is beneficial.

Lying serves its purpose in maintaining a healthy relationship under the conditions I’ve given. Please don’t misinterpret my recommendation to occasionally lie as an excuse for hiding the truth when truth should be told.

#13 Myth: Communication solves everything

As someone who teaches communication skills, this myth is something I’d like to believe! Unfortunately, communication does not solve all conflict and relationship problems. Sometimes the greatest charismatically persuasive communication cannot solve relationship issues.

Marina Benjamen, Ph.D. of Psych Central sees a frequent scenario in couples counseling. Couples have no “serious” problem. Both partners can vouch for no drinking, abuse, or infidelity. The problem? They just don’t communicate. A lack of communication can happen for many reasons, but by itself it rarely leads to relationship resolutions. “Good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with,” says Benjamen, “can promote a more open and intimate connection.”

I’ve come to notice a transition point in people who adopt this myth of communication solving everything. The general public are vaguely advised that “communication is important in relationships”. Few people, like yourself, who go one step further by learning conflict management, emotional mastery, and self awareness for example, come to realize how communication greatly benefits their lives. The more we learn and develop ourselves, the more emphasis we place on communication. Eventually, we come to believe that any argument, relationship break-up, or person who doesn’t like us comes from poor communication.

Think of a worldly issue, like abortion or the death penalty, that you have a strong stance on. Do you think someone with opposing views who communicates well would change your mind? If you really believe in your stance on the issue, then communication isn’t going to change your mind. You and I have religious, political, and personal values that disallows communication to solve everything.

Communication forms the bridge in a relationship so it makes sense to assume the problems coming and going must exist on the bridge. Communication is a way of building bridges. If either side has a serious enough foundational problem, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

People ask, “What things can I say and do to make people like me?” This is the wrong type of thinking! Most effective communication is doomed before you even open your mouth. Becoming charismatic and persuasive starts from within you. Changing people’s behavior starts from within you. And having intimate, sharing, and loving relationships starts within you. Change your life by changing your thinking. Good relationships happen by developing yourself and not just by having good communication.

I steer my focus away from telling people to say rehashed lines in certain situations because no magical line can effectively work when you are incongruent with your words. You can say one brilliant communication line; but how you feel and think is a more powerful influence in your life. My communication secrets of making people like you program gets you deeply understanding yourself and other people so that you can begin communicating more intimately, powerfully, persuasively, and charismatically.

#12 Myth: Learning communication makes you a better communicator

We are at a global health crisis. Doctors have repeatedly said that the large percentage of health problems in Western countries comes from choices controllable by those who suffer such health ailments. We are in control of drinking, eating, smoking, stressing, and exercising. The global health crisis is not occurring because we haven’t learned the implications of the evil five of health – we all know what happens when ignoring these – but the problem comes from our inability to change. Like communication, learning about a health problem doesn’t automatically make you better.

Learning communication only makes you a better communicator when the learning is based on behavioral change. Even failing at a new skill makes you a better communicator because you went out and did something. Stop trying to intellectualize everything and just give it a go. You’ll become a better communicator when you just do it.

#11 Myth: Communication is one-way

Radios, televisions, and many electrical devices in the home communicate a message that sends one-way messages. Unfortunately, it seems our relationships are often the same. At times it appears other people, and ourselves, talk in a way that ignores others. However, there is still two-way communication – just not good two-way communication.

Communication in human relationships is two-way. Even “one-way communication” like public speaking is two-way. We have eyes and ears that absorb people’s communication. Whether you choose to do something with this gathered information to improve your relationships, increase your charisma, or boost your persuasion is up to you. It is up to you if you choose to empathize, laugh at, pay attention to, or ignore another person’s communication, but their communication still exists. Several other myths, as you will soon discover, nicely tie into this myth.

#10 Myth: Intellectual intelligence equates to good communication

Emotionally intelligent people are often good communicators, but they are not necessarily intellectually smart. Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ says, “IQ and emotional intelligence are not opposing competencies, but rather separate ones.” A person with a high IQ doesn’t automatically get high emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Someone with a low IQ can have just as good communication skills as someone with a high IQ.

In one of my popular articles titled “Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills”, I say that smart people do not necessarily have poor communication skills. However, smart people do tend to have poor communication skills because of certain habits, traits, and thoughts. A few of these problems include: the need to criticize, a tendency to find faults, use of complex words, and a proof of intellectual intelligence by sharing knowledge.

Amazingly, some of the most empathic, caring, understanding, attentively good conversationalists that I’ve met were in mental institutions. They weren’t psychologists, therapists, or receptionists, but they were patients these professionals were looking after. The seemingly incompetent that we dub as dumb can be smart communicators.

#9 Myth: The message sent is the message received

This myth may hurt your relationships every single day. Thinking that the message you send is the message people receive makes you vulnerable to fighting with people who are important to you. There’s one word that explains this ugly problem: Interpretation.

How we interpret a person’s message depends on many human characteristics like memory, beliefs, and values. Your mother sees your child hurt his knee so she tells you, “You need to look after your kids.” Though your mother was expressing a concern for any child’s safety, you become offended because you interpret it as, “I’m failing to look after my kids.” As another example, a guy playfully tells a girl who looks at him, “Hey, stop checking me out.” The girl may interpret the guy’s message as, “He’s confident, playful, and challenging.” while an onlooker may interpret the guy’s message as being rude.

The next time you talk to someone, stop assuming the message you send is the message someone receives. You can improve your communication skills by being conscious of the fact that people will interpret your message the way you didn’t intend for it be understood. Asking a person for their understanding is a good way to ensure the two of you share an accurate understanding. Additionally, you can tell people you talk to your understanding of what they say.

#8 Myth: Adapting to people is necessary for good communication

Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power teaches to “assume formlessness”. He advises people to adapt to other’s individuality and rely less on past experiences to interact with the present. What skill you’ve successfully used on someone won’t necessarily work on someone else. Adaptability is the key to surviving and thriving. I back Robert Greene’s 48th law and teach such things myself.

Adaptablity is an important part in healthy relationships. A failure to adjust your mood to a person’s mood can result in severe conflict. Generally, fine-tuning your body language and words to a person’s emotional needs boosts your social perforamnce. However, adaptability can be beneficial and harmful to your communication.

When you overlook your own needs or feelings to adapt to social situations, a trade-off often takes place: People who make good impressions, while overlooking their own needs or feelings, suffer from poor, unstable relationships. The everyday social implication of adaptability is a superficial attitude. Dr. Brian Spitzberg, a professor at the School of Communication in San Diego State University and co-editor of The Dark Side of Close Relationships, says the myth of adaptability hurts people’s communication skills. “If everyone is adapting to everyone else’s adaptations, people become chameleons in a paisley room, disabled by the shifting pattern of their social context.” says Dr. Spitzberg. “Adaptable people can come across like a chameleon as they change their ‘face’ for each person with whom they interact.”

#7 Myth: Communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem

Ah, the dreaded fear of talking about a tough issue. Fear’s purpose is to protect us from danger, but it too often stops us from building intimacy and having happiness. The excuse of “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem” is an excuse to avoid the uncomfortable. We fabricate reasons to procrastinate on important conversations that will change our life.

Ask anyone who has regrettably divorced and they’ll tell you their disappointment in not having addressed one or two minor issues that went ignored for years to ultimately destroy the relationship. By having the thought that communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem, you waste time, energy, money, and emotion in delaying the difficult conversation. Susan Scott in her bestselling Fierce Conversations encourages us to “come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” “Being real is not the risk.” says Scott. “The real risk is that: I will be known, I will be seen, and I will be changed.”

#6 Myth: You cannot communicate

Another common communication misconception, and a reason nonverbal communication is very powerful, is you cannot not communicate. In other words, it is impossible to avoid communicating. You can try all you want to ignore someone, but you’re still communicating.

People think that ignoring someone is avoiding communication with the person. If you choose to completely ignore someone, then you are communicating ignorance to that person through your body language and unwillingness to talk. Shy people who avoid conversations and remain alone, communicate disinterest in people and a lack of self-love due to their willingness in inflicting social anxiety.

By telling someone “I’m not talking to you,” you already have lied because your body language will communicate a message to the person that you are ignorant. Additionally, your silence could communicate that you are a stubborn person. When someone gives you the “silent treatment,” do you interpret the messages that they are communicating to you? Yes! Perhaps they are communicating stubbornness, ignorance, rudeness, or cruelty through avoidance. It is impossible to avoid communication.

#5 Myth: Meaning is in words

Semantics is the study of meaning in language. It explains how two separate people searching Google for “hot looking person” are after completely different things. One person wants information on a good looking person while the other person wants information on global warming. Google invests billions of dollars into semantics for its search engine algorithms to accurately determine whether 12 year old John searching “hot looking person” wants good looking people or information for an environmental assignment. The implications of good semantics is huge. Without good semantics, search engines will die just like our personal relationships.

While meaning can be in words, a word is only a medium for understanding to travel, much like the air is a medium for light to travel. A black car may bring prestige, wealth, power, and speed into your mind’s eye. For someone else, a black car may mean sickness, death, and loss. When a black car comes to mind, we might see Donald Trump and prestige, but someone else might see the black limousine carrying their mother’s casket to her burial ground.

Words are representations of images, symbols, and events, and are not solely responsible for giving messages their meaning. The attachments we have to what we say and hear gives communication most of its meaning. You don’t react to a person’s words; you react to your meaning of a person’s words. Someone calling you “a loser with no life” won’t affect you when you give those words a meaning of, “he’s just angry” or “if he was aware of personal growth he wouldn’t call me names – whatever he calls me, doesn’t affect me”. Understanding this myth and using its truth in your life will take your communication and personality to a whole new level.

#4 Myth: Speaking talent is important for effective communication

Speaking with a good vocabulary, clarity, directness, and structure doesn’t equal effective communication; it equals nothing. Light travels through air like communication travels through speaking skills. Just because the path of flow is smooth and clear doesn’t mean the destination is right.

Most business communications seem determined to convert this myth into truth. Presentations, mission statements, and team leadership all seem to work around the principles of being clear, direct, and using a good vocabulary. What an awful way of communicating that makes employees not care about their work and discourage customers from buying the company’s products or services.

In Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, co-author Chip Heath describes a major problem his students at Stanford University have when giving presentations. Being one of the world’s best universities, the students are intelligent and present their ideas with good speaking skills. Each year Heath gets his students to persuade fellow class members that nonviolent crime is a major issue in the United States.

Each student is given one minute to present their persuasive speech while the other students rate their speeches effectiveness. The highest rated students present statistics with poise, smoothness, and charisma – the typical understanding of effective communication in business. However, a few minutes following the presentations, Chip gets the students to remember any concept from any of the presentations. “When students are asked to recall the speeches, 64 percent remember the stories.” says Chip Heath. “Only 5 percent remember any individual statistic…. almost no correlation emerges between ’speaking talent’ and the ability to make ideas stick.” The foreign students with poor English speaking abilities are just as able to persuade native students.

Businesses are made up of individuals. A business is one entity that only represents the individuals within. Lose the idea that you need to “strive to become a leader in the industry while maintaining a key focus on adhering to superior customer service”. Reading such statements make me puke! Any business communication, whether your inspiring a team or persuading a CEO, do not get persuaded solely on statistics, structure, and effective speaking skills. They get persuaded from stories, emotion, analogies, self-interest, and a little bit of logic. Speaking talent is not as important as you think it is for effective communication.

#3 Myth: More communication is better

More money is better. More power is better. More friends is better. Thinking that having more of something good can be a problem. Give a poor man millions of dollars, a business, a great network of friends, and he may lose it all. The poor man may not have the knowledge to successfully manage such financial, capital, and human assets.

More of a bad thing only amplifies the problem. Spending more cash doesn’t resolve credit card debt. Eating more junk food isn’t going to fix your health. And fighting with your partner won’t get better if you keep poorly communicating.

Moreover, some issues are better left untouched. “It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them.” said Rose Macaulay. It may seem that this myth is the opposite to the myth “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem”, but each have their own uses in various situations. Much like laughing, there are good and bad times to use each communication myth.

Sometimes a person can be so emotionally closed-off, that they directly request you to keep quiet. What I do in this situation is use the technique of reflective responses to empathize with the person’s anger, frustration, or other intense emotion. I’ll say something along the lines of, “Seeing [whatever the issue is] makes you feel [feeling] because you need [whatever the need is].” However, sometimes their shields are too strong for any communication to get through. You just need to shut-up sometimes.

When there is less communication, there is more silence. And silence is powerful. Silence marinates the conversation into our minds. Silence is were change takes place. Change occurs in the mind; not in words. You can’t expect a person to fully comprehend what you are saying while they listen to your present words. Use silence to increase understanding and boost your persuasion abilities.

In addition to more communication: creating more poor communication, hurting some problems that are better left untouched, limiting the power of silence; less communication helps us understand. Conciseness can be better as short is memorable and impacting. Less is more.

#2 Myth: Nonverbal communication accounts for 93% of total communication.

The number two myth is a close contender for the greatest communication myth. Nonetheless, this myth is the most widespread communication lie, quickly spreading from many nonverbal communication articles and books that teach 93% of communication is nonverbal. Nearly every time nonverbal communication is discussed, you’ll hear this myth. The misunderstanding that nonverbal communication contributes 93% to all communication is the most quoted and misquoted piece of information in communication. Ever.

If 93% of communication is nonverbal, learning a new language would be a breeze. Should this second greatest myth of communication be true, we could easily talk in different languages because words would make up an insignificant amount of communication.

Here’s the truth about this myth. A study titled Inference of Attitudes from Nonverbal Communication in Two Channels published in the Journal of Consulting Psychology by Albert Mehrabian, professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California in Los Angeles, and Susan Ferris, looked at the contribution of verbal and nonverbal signals to total communication. The two researchers had participants listen to prerecorded voices of single words such as “maybe” while looking at black and white photographs of facial expressions. The participants were told the voice’s tonality and facial expressions communicated either disliking, liking, or neutrality. They were then asked to choose between the three attitudes for each recording. The results show that facial expressions contribute 55% to communication while the vocalics contribute 38% (a 3:2 ratio).

Mehrabian later on in his book Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes referred to the findings from his study as the 7%-38%-55% rule, a rule defining what factors give meaning to our words. The rule states that 7% of meaning is in the spoken words, 38% of meaning is in how we say the words, and 55% of meaning is in body language. Mehrabian explicitly states in follow up discussions on his studies and book that the 93% of nonverbal contribution to communication applies only when someone is discussing their likes and dislikes. He says his findings were not intended to be applied to communication in general.

When a guy discusses his likes, you will see his energy rise. He will smile, talk more enthusiastically, show interest, vary his tonality, move around, and give off other nonverbal messages that the subject is his true like. Similarly, when he discusses his dislikes, you will see his drop in energy. He will frown, talk in a bitter manner, show disinterest, have a boring tonality, move less, and give off other nonverbal messages that he dislikes the subject. When listening to this guy talking about his likes and dislikes, 93% of your belief that he is telling the truth comes from nonverbal communication. If instead this guy frowned, talked in a bitter manner, and used boring vocalics when talking about his likes, you’d nearly be certain that he didn’t like what he was talking about.

#1 Myth: Good communication has taken place

While other communication myths can be shifted up or down a few spots amongst the top fifteen list, this myth remains concreted as the number one communication myth. The greatest myth you likely experience on a day-to-day basis is thinking that you have communicated with someone. George Bernard Shaw, recipient of the 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Communication is a buzzword that has been misused too often. You think you just experienced a great conversation, but all that took place was some talk and feel-good emotions. Forget thinking that good communication is: speaking with logic, telling the truth, expressing your intelligence, adapting to people’s communication styles, communicating as much as you can, making people feel good, making yourself feel good, keeping the two of you calm, or solving a problem. Good communication doesn’t take place when only these things have happened; rather, it is a point of open understanding where people walk away from the conversation feeling better. (The NVC process is one of the best techniques to build understanding for good communication.)

It is easy to blame other people on poor communication, but this is just another myth, a lie, to thwart the realization of change. You are responsible for the communication in your life. You are aware of the greatest 15 myths of communication; and other people in your life won’t be. It is up to you to bring the truth about these myths into your everyday conversations. I’ve spent the time giving them to you, now it’s time for you to destroy the top 15 myths of communication in your own life.

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I'm creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Making People Like You". You can read about it here and order it here.