Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

This is a book review of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values .

I do a fair amount of reading books, listening to CDs, and watching DVDs on topics related to communication. Prior to investing in my self-education when purchasing such material, I will always research what is worth learning from so that I don’t waste my time learning from fluff and garbage. Even when I frequently choose the best material and devour it, I have discovered a select few that stand above the rest. There are very few books that I’ve stumbled upon that I refer to as a must-must-read for everybody. Nonviolent Communication is one of these rare books every person needs to read.

Author Marshall Rosenberg, in 1984 founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication. It is a non-profit organization that teaches people throughout the world Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Marshall Rosenberg and a few hundred trainers run workshops where they coach people on the NVC method. The book, Nonviolent Communication, is a way of learning the processes that give people power and joy which is taught in the organization’s workshops.

The primary concept in Nonviolent Communication is observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. The observing part of this model is worth its own weight in gold. By learning to observe without intoxicating the observation with evaluation, I can guarantee your communication and relationships will improve to high levels of intimacy and connectedness that are otherwise not possible in absence of the techniques. Knowing how to successfully “take in” another person’s communication is very powerful.

An important understanding in the book you need to have is that our actions and other’s actions, whether poorly expressed in an argument through yelling and swearing, is derived from our own and the other person’s respective needs. When someone is stubborn, name-calling, or shouting hatred to you right in front of your face, we often don’t know how to successfully deal with the situation. Understanding how our needs play out in these situations so we can effectively communicate is a powerful aspect the book repeatedly teaches.

A major difference in the way men and women communicate is in the motives for communicating. Men are very objective based while women tend to communicate more for intimacy. This difference often means men fail to empathize or show concern to a woman in a way that is understanding to her. I’m not saying women are better communicators than men, but that a poor expression of empathy or lack of it is a common problem in relationships for guys. Women still definitely need to learn how to correctly express empathy, but it is needed more so for men as they are generally oblivious to empathizing. Having empathy in a relationship is what builds “connection” – something each of us desperately seek in our relationships.

The methods in Nonviolent Communication teach you how to successfully build a connection in your relationships throughout everyday conversations and in intense conflict. It is when we are in conflict that we seek to be listened to and understood the most. Nonviolent Communication will show you how to exactly make this relationship building connection in the midst of heated arguments and relationship destroying fights so the conflict builds the relationship. The book is the best I’ve come across so far on empathy.

I believe that once you have read Nonviolent Communication, you will quickly pass on your copy to your partner and family members; maybe even encourage coworkers and your boss to buy their copy. The book contains methods we all would love to be used on us as the techniques are appealing to healthy relationships, individual well-being, and happiness. In fact, there are a few chapters in Nonviolent Communication that are dedicated to using the NVC techniques on yourself such that you are more able to manage anger and prepare yourself to communicate better. NVC is about increasing compassion and giving from the heart through a better flow of communication in ourselves and with others.

Marshall Rosenberg has used NVC to advise country leaders on overcoming intense political conflict, help gangs who used to kill each other to now live in peace, and assist bullies at school to become refocused on getting along with their peers. NVC is a method for improving how we communicate in all our relationships. Nonviolent Communication is one of those rare books I wish every individual on the face of this planet would read as the techniques are widely applicable and greatly beneficial.

The only minor problems I have with Nonviolent Communication is that the methods taught require you to care about the other person. You need to be willing to focus on other’s needs otherwise the whole NVC method is rendered useless. For this reason, I think the majority of people who read the book will be using these techniques in their most important relationships instead of everyday conversations because it can be draining to constantly focus on other people. However, your relationships will be changed forever and the extra effort required to be empathic will be worth it.

In 200 well-written pages, it is an easy read. I finished this book in two days as it had me hooked. The methods are very few which make it further easier to understand and implement in your life. The book has interesting stories with dialog that shows the techniques in real-life situations. There is also a few poems and large quotes mixed throughout the book to nicely accentuate points.

I can’t recommend Nonviolent Communication highly enough. You will find the book extremely helpful even if you consider yourself to not be a violent communicator. I have a very good understanding of empathy and conflict, yet I still was able to get a tonne of great information from this book. You can grab your copy of Nonviolent Communication from Amazon by clicking here today.

Videos

Marshall Rosenberg discusses how NVC developed and how the method of communication compares with dominance and other forms of superiority.

Again, go grab your copy of Nonviolent Communication from Amazon today by clicking here.

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I'm creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Powerful People" program. You can read about it here and order it here.