Improving Our "Signals" and "Beings"

This is a review of Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen’s Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most.

Have you ever struggled to negotiate something important to you like a pay raise? Have you ever felt anxious about talking something over with your partner? Are there issues in your life that you ignore because you’re too afraid to talk it over with someone? If you ever have talked about something difficult, are you sick of arguing, feeling ignored, and getting no where in the conversation? Difficult Conversations is the solution to these problems that you have been looking for.

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen have studied situations described by the above questions at the Harvard Negotiation Project. Their findings come from diverse fields of study like cognitive therapy, social psychology, and communication theory. After analysing, developing theories, and testing conversations that we find difficult to effectively communicate in, the end result is Difficult Conversations.

The complete framework of the book is made up of three separate conversations we have with ourselves and the other person, during tough conversations:

1. The “What Happened?” Conversation is about learning people’s stories of what occurred.
2. The Feelings Conversation is about discovering and expressing (not venting) emotions during the conversation.
3. The Identity Conversation is about finding how people attribute themselves to the issues being discussed.

Each of these three conversations are discussed in-depth as the authors advise you what to focus on, common mistakes made, and general pieces of advice you will find directly speak to you. One particular piece you will find speaks to you is the assumption we know the truth. In this assumption we think the other person is wrong and we are right. The problem is the other person is thinking the same thing – a sure formula for destructive conflict. When you shift to a learning conversation as you explore the three conversations, you will overcome these limiting views.

The last chapter provides a complete dialogue between two people as one of them uses the entire Difficult Conversation’s framework. This is followed by a convenient summary of all the book’s main points (an excellent quick reference for when you need it). Overall, the language used is simple and easy to understand. You are shown conversations of what went wrong, what went right, and why it is so to help you talk about difficult issues.

Difficult Conversations is the leading book for learning how to talk about tough issues (though you may also want to check out my review of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations because the books are related but do not overlap). I highly recommend you get it because we all have, and will continue, to experience situations where we must confront people, solve the problem, and keep each other’s sanity in tact. You can grab your copy from Amazon by clicking here today.

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I'm creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Powerful People" program. You can read about it here and order it here.