Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

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Alexander Graham Bell said, “What this power is I cannot say; all I know is that it exists and it becomes available only when a man is in that state of mind in which he knows exactly what he wants and is fully determined not to quit until he finds it.” Napoleon Hill said, “The starting point of all achievement is desire.” Abraham Lincoln said, “You can have anything you want – if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.”

For over a century man has tapped into this mysterious emotional state that gets him want he wants. This power isn’t the law of attraction which requires you to be in harmony with the universe, rather it is a power that will get you anything when you damn well want it bad enough.

Days, weeks, months, years, or decades have past since you had a large goal you wanted. When you were 10 years old, maybe you dreamed of playing basketball for the NBA. When you left school, maybe you dreamed of running your own business and achieving financial freedom. When you left college, maybe you dreamed of finding the love of your life and having a great family. Recently, maybe you dreamed of a promotion or a great holiday.

Take a moment now to think of your dreams or goals that you had in the past but did not achieve – not what you want now; but what you had in the past. They don’t have to be childhood goals. As I teach communication, try to make it an aspiration you once had in your relationships or a communication skill. Perhaps you wanted a happy and intimate relationship with your husband or wife, or to have open communication with your children. Maybe it could have been to confidently talk to the opposite sex, give public presentations, or to socialize. Nonetheless, your aspirations can be from last week when you desired to go on that elusive holiday or attend a club.

The reason I’ve asked you to take a look at the goals and dreams you’ve failed to manifest into reality is to help you identify an underlying cause as to why you have failed to achieve what you once desired. I’m helping you discover the few reasons, which are hidden to you and most people, that prevent you from obtaining your goals as I’m a strong believer in learning from my mistakes and the past – as well as other people’s mistakes and their past. Identifying repetitious behaviors that cause you to fail allows you to categorize those behaviors as the “enemy”. Once you’ve identified and investigated the enemy: you know its strength, how it attacks, and the moves it makes – all information you need to formulate a strategy to destroy the enemy and become victorious. (For more information, I recommend you read an article I’ve written on how to set achievable goals with the SMART method. The article lists the common reasons why people don’t set goals and how to correctly set them.)

Over the years, I’ve come to realize a repetition in my own behavior that has prevented me from achieving past goals. These natural tendencies still affect me today – though to a much lesser degree. Two common enemies that I face in achieving my goals is the fear of criticism and fear of failure. One deals with getting people’s approval, the other is based around having wasted time in trying to achieve something that I did not end-up obtaining. For the latter, I’ve felt that I was better off not trying to get something if I was not going to get it in the end. Guess where this reasoning got me?

Talking to myself that I should not bother getting something that I really want because I won’t get it had conflicting effects. On one hand, here is something I wanted. On the other, was this little voice saying, “You’re not going to get it so don’t bother.” I still wanted what I had desired (but obviously not bad enough) so I did little things to help me get closer to that goal or dream, but I never got there because it was a half-ass effort that came through the thought that I could not achieve what I wanted. Moreover, these two problems I have when I fail to achieve a goal come from a lack of this emotional power I am speaking of throughout this article. “A person should set his goals as early as he can and devote all his energy and talent to getting there.” said Walt Disney, famous motion-picture producer and pioneer of animated cartoon films. “With enough effort, he may achieve it. Or he may find something that is even more rewarding. But in the end, no matter what the outcome, he will know he has been alive.”

When facing problems upfront, they look like a boulder. One aim of goal setting and this article is to pull you back from the boulders in your life to make them a little pebble in the distance. Changing your perspective from short-term to long-term transforms a large obstacle into something small and manageable. Keeping perspective in difficult times allows you to continue moving forward and easily overcome obstacles that exist between you and your desired destination. The negative self-talk, actions, surroundings, or people in your life that act as the predictable “enemy” in preventing you from achieving your goals and dreams are a boulder. The boulder can be transformed with a change of perspective, which I hope to have already given you in this article.

As you can tell, I’m not beating on the usual goal setting techniques – like ensuring you take action – but the unique psychological and emotional destruction that goes on in your mind that displaces you from what you want. This is where the real secret of achievement lies. The majority of people know the vital need to take action on anything they want; though few act on the advice because they end-up discovering they don’t want the goal bad enough to achieve it.

In achieving your communication and personal development desires, goals, and dreams, I believe there are two characteristics that need to be emphasized in the goal setting process. Both deal with passion and having a fire in the belly attitude. Actually, I don’t like to use the word “goals” in combination with words that signify a deep desire because when you want something bad enough you don’t need to set goals. Your desires automatically become something you want without you having to sit down and write them as goals.

Think of something you wanted so badly that nothing stopped you from getting it. This is the passionate desire I want you to cultivate. Contrast this passion to something you thought “would be nice”, but didn’t achieve because you didn’t want it bad enough. Maybe you wanted to learn the guitar because you thought it would be a nice skill to have, but you didn’t reach the goal because you didn’t have desire. Of all things in achieving your goals, your desire is the ultimate determinant of success; though I’ve come to notice their vital importance in ensuring you improve yourself in realizing your communication and personal development goals.

1. Defining What You Want

“You will suddenly realize that the reason you never changed before was because you didn’t want to.” - Robert H. Schuller

“When you know what you want, and want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it.” - Jim Rohn

“Modern man lives under the illusion that he knows what he wants, while he actually wants what he is supposed to want.” - Erich Fromm

The first step to achieving what you want in your personal development journey is knowing exactly what you want. I’m guessing that you already think you know what you want, but you probably don’t. Perhaps it’s even a vague desire which creates a slow, unenergized pursuit. It is only when you accurately define what you want that you can get what you want. You will aim with precision when focusing on a target that is clear to you.

Let’s say that you want to be able to make small talk with anyone. You would love to have the skill of being able to approach someone and start a conversation. However, wanting to make small talk with anyone isn’t what you really want. What you really want is a host of things that small talk fulfills. Meaning, you don’t just want the skill of being able to talk to anyone for the sake of being able to talk to anyone. Your desire to talk with anyone has motives beneath that desired skill. Successfully being able to approach someone and start a conversation is a means of fulfilling that want.

One reason you could want to make small talk with anyone is to be able to control your fears when meeting new people. Another reason is to network more effectively so that you can grow your business. Another is feeling more secure around people. All these are emotional motives that drive your decision making.

Do you want to raise happy children and other things that are best for your family? If you want what’s best for your family, you are probably lying to yourself. I’m not saying you don’t want what is good for your family; what I am saying is the underlying motives behind the reasoning “I want what’s best for my family” deals with your personal desires.

Perhaps seeing your family safe and secure makes you feel happy and comforted. Knowing your children are happy validates your parenting skills. Other parents seeing your successful children make you feel proud. Maybe you want successful children to make up for the failures in your life, or you don’t want to be frowned upon and humiliated by other parents. These outcomes are probably what you really want when desiring the best for your family.

I want you to do an exercise now. It is a wonderful catapult to achieving your goals and successful personal development. Get out a paper and pen, and draw two columns. You will want the second column to be twice the size of the first column. This exercise is large and will take several hours. You may want to do it in two-sittings, but the goal setting process should be energizing to you and so you may be able to get it done in just the one-sitting.

In the first column on the left, label it “What I Want”. Obviously, under this you will write down what you want. To help you determine what you want, remove all constraints around your desires. Forget about what you know or have. Stop letting the past limit your future. Remove financial, intellectual, and relationship constraints.

It’s absolutely necessary that you remove “buts” in reasoning to yourself what you want because I don’t want you to reason to yourself what you want. The analytical part of our mind can hurt the emotional part of our mind. For example, “I want to work as a public speaker… but I’m not good at speaking. But I don’t know how to get started. But you can’t make money.” All these stupid constraints trick you into avoiding your desires. Most of these limiting thoughts are created with the your limiting beliefs. Using the public speaking example of not knowing how to get started, have you actually asked a public speaker how they got started? If this is your goal, I’m betting you haven’t. It’s crazy how we remove ourselves from our desires through this silly rationalizing process.

In determining your career path, ask yourself what you would do if money wasn’t a consideration. Ask yourself what you would do if you had the necessary training. Ask yourself what you would do if you knew the right people. Remove all constraints and find what greatly turns you on. I’m talking about a desire of 100 on a scale from 1 to 100 where 100 is the most intense.

Another thought to help you accurately define what you want is to not fall into the illusion of wanting what other people want. Society has norms and expectations that can mold your desires. I understand that not everyone will want to enter into marriage. Think deeply about what your goals really mean to you. Passion is more about caring than finding the right thing. You’ll be surprised at the many things you can be passionate about once you start caring.

As a verification step to knowing what you want, you can test to see if this desire is truly what you want by running a mental theater of what it will look, feel, smell, hear, and taste like when you achieve the goal. Those experiences that excite you are what you want. They are your goal. Don’t ask yourself, “What are my goals?” Ask yourself, “What would excite me and why?” See what excites you by running through intense visualizations. The things that excite you are what you hungrily pursue in life and ultimately achieve.

Once you have defined what you want, do the exercise by writing these desires down on the piece of paper under the heading “What I Want”. In the same column, I encourage you to go one step further by using the SMART method. You write down your desire, but then next to it you also write down it in a specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and tangible form. Write no more than five goals for now, unless you otherwise want to, because of the time it will take to correctly do the exercise.

If you’re still struggling to figure out your desires, don’t forget to remove all constraints. Also, stopping the exercise for a few hours will allow your subconscious to go to work and define what you want. Additionally, I recommend you get Jack Zufelt’s program How To Use The Conquering Force Within You to learn more about defining what you want (I earn nothing from referring you to Jack’s program).

If you’re finished, well done. You’ve defined what you want. Not many people will ever do what you just did which sets you apart from others. This will do for now as you will use the second column in the second step of this article.

Having accurately defined what you want, the next step is stimulating an intense hunger to get what you want. This second section could be said as unnecessary, because if you really want something than you will already have an intense hunger. Nonetheless, we experience demotivation from failure and have our down-days for everything, which the second section is aimed to solve. If you didn’t hunger, you would hardly eat. Consume the advice in this following section and you’ll successfully be devouring your passions.

2. Creating An Emotional Craving

“The starting point of all achievement is desire.” - Napoleon Hill

“You can have anything you want - if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic and faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The process of arousal begins by thinking about someone you find attractive. Thoughts create vivid images that lead to a growing intensity of feelings. As your feelings intensify, blood flow increases to certain parts, breathing heightens, and your skin becomes sensitive. If you continue to immerse yourself in such imagery, eventually you will feel the need to act on those feelings.

What if you could create an equivalent – if not more intense – desire as physical arousal to achieve your personal development goals? The process of achieving your goals isn’t very different to arousal. Thoughts lead to vivid imagery which creates intense feelings. Soon enough you just have to act on those feelings because it becomes too much for you to not chase your goal.

You can stimulate passion using the various techniques in this article, but I want you to keep in mind that your goal must be what you defined in the first stage of the article because intense desire comes from a result of pursuing something you want – though passion can always be increased using a variety of techniques. By learning how to create a desire for what you have clearly defined, you will pursue your goals with a passion. Once a human being becomes passionate and persistent towards a goal, not many events in the world can stop him or her from achievement.

Nelissen, Dijker, and de Vries in their 2007 study titled Emotions and Goals: Assessing Relations Between Values and Emotions emphasis the importance of emotions in achieving goals:

“An emotional state is characterized by a motivational tendency to the attainment or maintenance of a particular, emotion-specific end-state. Some [studies] have further proposed that the goal-directed nature of behavioral consequences of emotions is adaptive, thus portraying emotions as solutions to obstacles and opportunities of physical and social survival.”

As a basic example of the importance of emotions in goal-attainment, let’s say you are on holidays visiting some beautiful landmarks and you are driving-up a steep mountain. You get to the top of the mountain and make your way to an eye-grabbing location that is right on the mountain’s edge. There’s no fencing or boundaries placed that control where you can walk on top of the mountain. As you approach the mountain’s edge, you see the steep fall and quickly take a few steps back to be safe.

The emotion in this example is fear of danger to ensure you achieve your goal of safety. If you had zero fear of falling off the cliff, the chances of you falling – and failing your goal of safety – increase because you are closer to danger than if you stepped away from the cliff. Your emotions helped you obtain your goal. The process of arousal is exactly the same.

Behind each goal you have, there exists an emotional void that you seek to fulfill. Aristotle taught that the desire for happiness is the reason for each of our own actions. It is the ultimate goal
every human being pursues. Though knowing that you desire happiness, for example in wanting to make small talk with anyone, isn’t much help.

Anthony Robbins made famous the pain-pleasure theory of motivation. The theory states that what we do is either to gain pleasure or avoid pain. Pleasure involves going towards something. Pain involves going away from something. “The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you.” he says. “If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you.”

Jim Rohn also summarizes the primary emotions and desires that bring about change, but into four categories:

1. Disgust – This is the pain component of the pain-pleasure theory. Disgust can occur when you’ve had enough and are sick of certain things from occurring. You can have had enough of being shy around people, arguing with people, or being controlled by people. The pain leads to change.
2. Decision – There comes a time in our lives that make or break us. These are fork roads where we need to choose the path on which to travel. Make a decision and move forward in life. A wrong choice can be corrected. It is often outside circumstances that force us to make a decision, such as a partner laying-down an ultimatum that sets the conditions if you are to continue in a relationship.
3. Desire – Outside influences are motivators towards your emotional state. We are influenced by outside things, but we must have an internal desire: a purpose that originates from within.
4. Resolve – Defined by the decision to commit to a circumstance no matter what. Jim Rohn says, “When confronted with such iron-will determination, I can see Time, Fate and Circumstance calling a hasty conference and deciding, ‘We might as well let him have his dream. He’s said he’s going to get there or die trying.’” Nothing can replace commitment. When you know what it is that you clearly want, resolve can automatically happen.

Pain, pleasure, disgust, decision, desire, or resolve. How do you go about stimulating these emotions and actions so that you have the emotional strength to endure the complete journey towards attaining your goals? I believe an awareness of these states are sometimes enough to create them. That is, knowing about disgust can help you create an emotional desire of disgust to change your behavior and achieve a goal.

I feel there is one technique, which I’m about to share with you, that is amazing for building a burning desire to achieve your goals. With this technique you will remove any lack luster efforts and reluctancy to pursue what you want. It is one of the best goal setting techniques you will ever use. The technique is simple, but very, very powerful.

The technique to trigger, spark, and amplify your emotional desires to really hunger for what you want is listing 20 reasons why you want what you do. If there is one method that I frequently depend upon for stimulating a hot passion so that I can pursue my goals with vigor, it is this technique. No other technique gives me a kick of enthusiasm as this one does.

On the piece of paper where we started the exercise earlier, we are now going to fill in the second column. Label the second column as “Why I Want It” and come up with 20 or more reasons why you want what you listed in the first column. Take your time in coming up with the list. 20 reasons or benefits is a lot of work, but the list created from the hours of work in this exercise will be your psychological fuel for achieving your communication and personal development goals in the weeks, months, and years to come.

If you’re having trouble in coming up with good reasons for your goals, then expand on ideas and ask other people for ideas. You can also try to think in themes like: feelings you will experience, how others will see you, physical outcomes, and pain.

Let’s say your goal is to not become angry at family members during family conflict. Here are 10 possible starter points as to why you want that goal:

1. I want to be a good role model for my children.
2. I want my family to feel safe.
3. I want to ensure we have open communication and that no one is scared of talking about certain issues because of my anger.
4. I’m sick of fighting with my family.
5. I want my family to love me as much as possible.
6. I want my family to be relaxed and calm when talking to me; instead of being provoked by my anger.
7. I hate feeling the shame when people in public see my anger.
8. I want to increase intimacy with my partner.
9. I want other parents to look up to me with how I manage my emotions towards my children.
10. I want my children to think back in 10 years time and be grateful on how calm I was towards their difficult behaviors.

The above is a great example of things you can list in your goals. Once you’ve listed at least 20 reasons, I guarantee you that you will be filled with fiery emotions to help you achieve your listed goals.

The exercise works because you create a list that summarizes the sale points which make you “buy into” pursuing your goals. I encourage you to look at your list on a daily basis because of its emotional power in hooking you to achieve your communication and personal development goals. Look at the list frequently and you will remain focused and persistent to your goals.

I believe that one technique by itself is enough to create a burning desire. Regardless, I’ll share more great advice in bullet format on how you can stimulate an emotional craving for your goals so that you pursue them with a dedicated persistence:

• Dress for Success – How often do you see yourself in a mirror or reflection, or look down at what you are wearing during the day? 5 times a day? 5 times a day is 1825 times a year. That is a lot of subtle mental programming. The power of clothing on your mood is amazing. Wear clothing that makes you feel confident and other areas of your life will improve accordingly.
• Using Aggression – Having an important goal should stimulate aggression. Misdirect that aggression and it can become costly. Don’t create another problem with your aggression. Channel your aggression towards a productive goal – what it is intended for – and watch the steam condense into hard results.
• Relive Past Success – Think back to your past successes and relive the experiences in your mind. Past successes are not only stored in your mind, but at the very cellular level throughout your body. Linked to the successes is a winning feeling that you can use to experience more success. On the contrary, think of past failures and you begin to stimulate feelings of failure. For a more in depth teaching of this method and other mental reprogramming techniques, I highly recommend Dr. Maxwell Maltz’s The New Psycho-cybernetics.
• Here and Now – Focus on what you can do in the present to allow your creative imagination the potential to develop solutions.
• Details – The purpose of defining exactly what you want is to assist you in the right direction. Visualizing, feeling, smelling, tasting, and hearing the intrinsic details of your desired state will put you in that winning state. Just as it is with the process of arousal, you can become aroused by experiencing the details of your goals. It is similar to reliving your past successes except you are free to create what you want with this technique. You aren’t controlled with the past.
• Feed Your Mind – You’ll be surprised at how uplifted you get by reading about other people’s passions and successes. Also, consume at least 15 minutes a day of motivational material from the likes of Zig Ziglar, Jack Canfield, and Anthony Robbins. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last.” said Zig Ziglar. “Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
• Create an Ultimatum – Use the desire of resolve that Zig Ziglar explains to create change in your life. Make an absolute condition that if something doesn’t happen, so-and-so consequences will occur. Tell others about this to hold yourself accountable. Sun Tzu in the Art of War knew soldiers fought their hardest when it was a matter of life or death. When soldiers provided the enemy with an escape route, they were given another option to winning or dying, so the enemy soldiers did not fight their hardest. Alternatives and exit strategies make it okay to fail. Do everything in your power to create an ultimatum such that you must succeed or suffer very severe consequences.
• Team Work – Team-up with someone else who wants the same goal. I’m continually amazed at the power of collaboration. When you make your goals known to others and when they have the same goals, the two of you can work together towards a common cause. Each of you becomes more accountable for his or her own actions as you don’t want to let the other person down who is also trying to achieve a similar goal as you. This technique is frequently used in exercising where trainers encourage newcomers to workout with a friend.

Using the many methods and techniques I’ve provided above for stimulating an emotional craving, you’ll be left hungry to devour your goals. You’ll be starving for your goals and begin to pursue them at once.

Be Careful with Your Desires

It may shock you to hear that you need to be careful with what you want and desire. Our goals are usually just one-side of the story. On the other side is a harsh reality that comes attached to your desire. Not all goals you set will have a dark-side, though many aspirations are latched onto a hidden negative aspect.

A person who aspires to develop the necessary skills to build attraction in the opposite sex needs to be prepared to turn people down, hurt people’s feelings, and be hated. A person who wants to be in a high hierarchal position in their company needs to be prepared to downsize, turn down the unemployed, and endure envious colleagues. A person who works towards being a well-known expert in their industry needs to be prepared to endure endless criticism.

The last thing I want to do is scare you from pursuing your personal development goals. My purpose in telling you to be careful with your desires rests in notifying you that the problems you presently have will morph into a different form when you achieve your goal. You can’t expect all your problems to disappear.

Let’s say you achieve a job promotion due to your newly developed and effective communication skills. Your once friendly colleagues, with whom you worked on many projects together as an equal, may despise you. Your problem of wanting a better position in the company for more money and status can change your friends.

The subtle nature about being careful with success is other people’s envy about your achievements. Envy is one emotion a person will not admit. If your colleagues are envious of you, they will rarely admit it. Pride and feelings of importance are powerful. Your achievements can belittle others. You used to be one of them, but now you are a growing person for the better. They see you as a hatched bird flying away from the nest where they permanently remain flightless. The flightless birds sit envious in watching you fly away, chirping for you to come back.

Seeing someone change is discomforting to most people. They may begin to feel inferior and see you as superior to them. The only comfortable resolution to this envious problem is sabotaging your efforts. I’ve heard several stories of husbands secretly sabotaging their wife’s hard work to lose weight and look great, so the husband can remain comfortable in knowing his wife is less attractive to other men which helps him keep her in the marriage.

On one level we have the influential effects of those around you affecting how you behave. On another level these people can be more direct at controlling your behavior through sabotaging your efforts and cutting your wings. You will have people around you who want to hold you back from achieving your goals. They sometimes need to be removed from your life. Don’t have them assassinated. Sometimes it is best to leave your friends.

You are a growing person with a changing life. Be careful with what you wish for because you can get it by following the advice shared in this article. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how to stimulate more passion to get it. This is how you can achieve your goals. I have just given you the secret of success. If you haven’t done the exercise yet, you’re only cheating yourself. Go back and do it now.

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I'm creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Making People Like You". You can read about it here and order it here.