Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

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It’s difficult meeting other’s high expectations, from your boss, friends, family, and anyone else who asks of you. We love living upto expectations because it gives us a feeling of success, confidence, worthiness, and acceptance. However, when expectations are high it is hard to meet them. Failing such circumstances can make you feel diminished, unworthy, and rub your confidence into the dirt. It is emotionally pulverising to not live upto other’s expectations and this is why you must not seek their approval.

Let me draw an analogy to a guy meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.

This guy is worrying about being “good enough” and being able to live upto the parents’ high expectations so he can stay with his girlfriend and not have the parents discourage her from seeing him.

He has two extreme options to follow:

1. He wants and focuses on gaining their approval.
2. He does not require their approval.

First Option - Seeking Approval

In this situation the guy is determined to get the parents’ approval. He is constantly analysing the situation, thinking, worrying, and mentally drawn towards what the parents could be thinking.

He’s now experiencing stress and anxiety leading to sub-optimal performance because of his need for approval. The guy is forward thinking and screwing up his chances of gaining the parents’ approval because he is seen as needy and unconfident.

Alot of this is created through fear.

I’d say the most common fear unconfident people have is the need for other’s approval. When you give out the need for approval, people will sense that you are needy and socially anxious. No one like’s to be around needy people.

The guy thinks he needs the parents’ approval but confident people don’t require other’s approval… AT ALL.

Second Option - Not Requiring Approval

In the second situation, the guy doesn’t require his girlfriend’s parents’ approval.

You maybe thinking that “He can’t just ignore the parents’ level of approval of him! He’ll screw up!”

That’s not entirely true. When you rise above the need to be approved by other people your confidence will soar. Your uncertainty will stop, your worrying will stop, and your fear of how others see you will stop once you do not need other’s approval.

If he is worrying about getting the parents’ approval, they will see an unconfident, needy, and anxious boyfriend then disapprove of him!

When the guy doesn’t require other’s approval he feels more confident and other’s feel this radiating confidence beeming from him.

However, this does not mean the parents’ like him now just because he is not needy and anxious. He can and should do things to gain the parents’ acceptance of him but that is different to NEEDING their approval. He can do things like be polite, friendly, and have positive body language. This is building acceptance and not seeking approval.

Surprisingly, once you do not need approval from others, they will actually approve of you! It is all about your inner game creating your outer game. A person who knows they do not need other’s approval will give out the message that they are confident and happy with who they are and what they can do.

Worrying about meeting high expectations can lead to poor performance as you seek approval. Your coworkers, managers, friends, or potential partners to name a few people, will see you as anxious, stressed, and uncertain of yourself. With this attitude you will be badly looked upon and you will live in others’ shadows as you constantly seek to be approved. In a working environment, do things to build acceptance such as fulfilling job duties, getting along with coworkers, and other required behaviours (if you don’t know more of these, ask what is required of you).

When starting a relationship you can build acceptance by doing things people favour such as having interesting conversations, being friendly, and other stuff that you already know of. Work towards acceptance but do not fear and worry for approval. You will then be able to live upto and meet high expectations.

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I'm creator of a highly praised program called "Communication Secrets of Making People Like You". You can read about it here and order it here.