Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

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There are two groups of scenarios where having the skills to say no while being respected are much needed. I’m sure you would like to say no in both of these common scenarios yet you just cannot bring yourself to say it for several possible reasons.

The first group of scenarios involves someone asking for a favor that requires a type of resource from you such as money or time. This situation is non-threatening and often gets you to carry out the task because of your guilt, passiveness, or inability to take a stance. Here a few examples of these scenarios:

• A charity worker has rang you up on the phone, knocked on your door, or stopped you on the street and kindly asked you for a donation. You don’t have enough money to give them a donation.
• You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you need to be home before your partner leaves the house so you can take care of the kids.
• Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You are in the middle of an important conference call and afterwards you need to write a follow up report for the meeting tomorrow morning.

This first type of scenario involves you having the incapacity to fulfill what is being asked of you. It is not that you would not like to help someone else, but it is that you simply cannot help because of poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity. Despite our lack of emotional and physical resources we still have a tendency to try and do-it-all.

The second common scenario where it is extremely helpful to say no is in a more threatening situation than the first type of scenarios. It involves your unwillingness and reluctancy to carry out the action that is requested of you. This common scenario is about being coerced into doing something against your will. The follow examples are similar as the first scenario but your personal situation this time is different:

• A charity worker is in contact with you requesting a donation yet this time you are unwilling to give them a donation because you dislike how they use donations in their work and giving a contribution feels like a waste.
• You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you really don’t want to. Maybe your partner has asked you to take the kids out or you have got so much paper work to sought through at home and it is piling up like the Eiffel Tower and tilting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. You have other things to do but they aren’t important.
• Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You have spare time on your hands but you feel you need to let your child take responsibility for not having worked on the assignment at an earlier time.

In the second group of scenarios you have the time and monetary resources to donate but you say no because of your unwillingness to engage in the activity. You find saying no is extremely difficult because of peer pressure, intimidation, fear, or a concern for being seen as a weak.

A far more serious and life-changing situation in the second group of scenarios is being pressured into taking drugs or having sex. You should never have to accept a life damaging decision based on intimidation and peer pressure so you need to learn how to say no. If the other person respects you for your decision then that is a bonus.

Saying no is a Must

We are peppered with requests day-in and day-out. There is only so much time within a day to do the necessities and the little extras we want that we must occasionally say no to people. It is necessary to learn to say no for your own emotional and mental well-being.

While I believe most people are poor time managers and can do more in the day if they learn good productivity skills, doing more activities than you are capable of has to take its toll on you sooner than later. You will begin to feel depressed, stressed, unhappy, and tired. Other areas of your life are then likely to suffer. You will do less of the things you enjoy, you’ll become agitated towards the ones you love, and you’ll develop a low self-esteem from the “but-I-work-so-hard-and-don’t-succeed” syndrome.

Sometimes you may not say no because of your “need” to do something “only you can do.” This common situation occurs in a work environment where you micromanage people and find it difficult to delegate activities. You end up doing a lot of activities that other people should be doing probably because you can do the tasks “better”.

Learning to say no will improve your leadership skills as you develop a better team environment when appropriately delegating tasks. People will often surprise you with what they can do if you just let them do it. Saying no will also allow you to do the more important activities. Leadership trainer John Maxwell said, “Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.”

When you begin to get good at saying no people will make less requests of you. People will not see you as a toy doll who can be easily pushed around and played with. You will have more time on your hands as a result of people respecting your time. They will know not to make petty requests when you are known to turn those down.

Our view of declining a request sometimes causes us to frame it as a problem. Saying no becomes a problem. However, saying no is a solution to a greater problem. You are declining their request for a reason: to solve some type of problem. If saying no doesn’t achieve anything, a solution, you wouldn’t be trying to learn how to say no.

By empathically and assertively stating no, when you do say “yes” your words will pack a powerful punch. The “yes” will be a clear crest rising from still waters as it overrides what people have come to expect from you. The principle of scarcity causes us to appreciate rarity more than what is commonly available.

Why Don’t You Just Say no?

The question has been asked. Do you give in or do you make an assertive stand and say no? You crumble faster than my poor baking and you give in to the demand. Why do you say no and what can you do to be more assertive?

An extremely common reason why people don’t say no is guilt. This emotion will often dictate you into following requests and orders when you feel compelled to give. Let’s say a person who is diagnosed with Leukemia knocks on your door and requests a donation to help a cancer foundation. Seeing the ill person instills guilt within you as you compare your health to the person’s health. The guilt overrides your ability to say no and so you give a donation based from your guilt.

We often make decisions based from guilt that we’d rather not make. When your decision to give time, financial assistance, or another type of donation is made from the need to be approved by others or to avoid conflict, then it will have a negative effect on you. A compulsion to give because of guilt takes away the whole meaning of “giving” which is to donate happily and freely. Giving is best when done voluntarily otherwise resentment builds.

Maybe you don’t say no because you think it is selfish. Saying no is not selfish under most circumstances. The same rule applies for all types of assertive skills. You are not selfish when asserting yourself at the appropriate times. Being assertive is about generating a win-win result. There are times when frequent assertion is plain annoying and inappropriate but this is usually the last concern for many people. Many people are passive and need to learn how to say no.

Finding why you can’t just say no is important in learning to assert yourself. To help you decide whether saying no is in fact appropriate, I’ve come up with a list of useful questions that you can use. Some helpful questions you can ask yourself that will help get the point across that you need to say no are:

1. “Is it healthy for me?” Examples: Being pressured into doing drugs, poor eating habits, or a dangerous dare like being tested to jump off a three-story building.
2. “Am I actually capable of doing it?” Examples: helping an older child with complex homework, giving a donation to charity while you have almost no money, or working overtime while you must get home on time to nurse the kids.
3. “Do I even care about it?” Examples: doing an activity you have no interest in that others are pressuring you to do, helping someone you dislike, or working extra hours when you don’t need the money.

If it isn’t healthy for you to do, if you aren’t capable of doing it, or if you don’t care about it then you most likely should say no. Though it may be obvious to you now, when you are being pressured in a situation or are fearful of being the odd one out these questions will help you to clarify the right decision.

Body Language: Who Said You Actually Had to Say no?

In many cases just saying no is simply enough! While this is true, there are still additional tips you can take on board to improve your “no skills”. These include body language and running through the three questions provided above to cement the thought that it is fine to say no in the situation.

Assertive body language can strengthen any statement you make. If you lack good body language then any statement you make will not have enough power to be taken seriously. When there is conflict between your verbal statement and body language, you can count on the fact that the person will accept your body language as truth.

I say there are three important things to remember with assertive body language when saying no. Firstly is strong eye contact. When the request is made look into the person’s eyes for two seconds, look away for two more seconds, and then back into their eyes before making your statement. This provides a “thinking gap” and lets them know you have thought about their request.

Don’t give them a blank “dumb” stare. Make it a look of thought. After the four seconds is up, simply say no or a variation that I’ll provide below. After making your statement, hold the eye contact for a few more seconds. This will communicate confidence in your decision and that you are unlikely to change. The person will be less likely to repeat the request after you do this.

The second important tip in saying no through assertive body language is having a lack of facial expressions. Remove any smiles or frowns, raised or lowered eyebrows, and anything else that communicates a negative or positive stance on the issue. Having a “boring face” which lacks any type of expression shows that you are unaffected by the person’s persisting request.

The person may feel you are ignoring them and persist with the request but it is vitally important to maintain the same facial expression. This is basically the broken-record technique where you keep doing the same thing over and over again in the face of adversity.

The third important tip in saying no through assertive body language is movement. If you all of a sudden have a nervous twitch when saying no that will set alarm bells in the other person’s mind who will then persist with the request. Making smooth and confident movements is the same as having a “boring face”. The only movement I recommend you should definitely have is shaking your head side-ways. This will put your no on steroids and make it stronger than otherwise possible.

You can communicate a stronger no when using these three confident and assertive body language tips. You non-verbally communicate that the person’s subsequent requests will not get a different response then when you plainly said no the first time. You can learn more assertive body language tips from Michael Lee in another article on the Earthling Communication site.

Variations of How to Say no

There are many variations of saying no. Each are suited to specific situations. Choose which one you think is best for the situation:

Plain No: Guess what this one involves? All you do is say no and move on. This is the least effective of the various techniques. In simple situations this variation can work.

Mirroring No: This variation involves sympathy where you communicate an understanding of the person’s situation and follow it up with your declining statement. Your child’s sports coach asks you to be the team manager. You could respond with a mirroring no by saying, “I understand your after a team manager. It must be tough trying to organize the team… but I won’t be the team manager this season.”

Reason-why No: Many studies have proven that if a person provides a reason for carrying out an action then the action is more likely to be accepted. If a charity worker asks for a donation you can say, “No I won’t donate because I’ve donated to another organization last week” or “No I won’t donate because I don’t want to.” The second example’s reason for not donating seems stupid but even though no new information was provided the reason adds persuasive power. Trust me on this. It is powerful.

The requester can actually use a similar variation of this technique on you. Research has shown your compliance will increase by 30% if the requester makes the request and provides a reason why. Be aware when the requester uses the reason-why technique. You’ll be more likely to get sucked in and leave the situation with a wondering thought of “Why did I say yes?”

Delayed No: Just say “You’ll get back to them at a later time.” In the mean time, the person may find someone else to do the job or the problem may have been solved. This technique can be used in combination with all these variations. Also, when delaying your response you give yourself time to think of what to say and how to effectively say it.

Conditional No: You state the conditions that you would accept the person’s request and if these conditions aren’t met you will decline their request. Only use this technique if you are willing to accept the request. The person may end up adjusting the initial request for you under your listed conditions which will put the burden on you to follow the adjusted request. Your child’s sports coach again asks you to be the team manager and you respond with, “I will be the team manager if you can guarantee that it requires no more than 2 hours of work a week. If not, I’ll have to say ‘no’.”

Painful No: This variation of saying no involves stating the future pain the person would receive if you declined their request at a later time. Your boss asks you to take on an extra assignment and you reply with, “For both our sake I’m going to say no. The quality of my work declines when I’m not focused on one assignment and I don’t want to give you bad work, hurt my position here at the company, and as a result make you get someone else to redo the assignment at a later date.”

Repetitive No: Remember when I was giving you body language tips above and I encouraged you to maintain the same body language when the person persists with their request? This assertive skill, the broken record technique, can be applied to the words you say. All you do is keep repeating your exact same no-statement over and over again until the person stops. Their request will vary in form but just keep repeating your exact same no-statement. Here is an example scenario for you:

“Can you help me move house this weekend?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“I really need help. Can you help me move house?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“It’ll only be for a few hours. Can you?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”

Respectful No: Firstly, use one of the above variations. If the person persists with their request then use the respectful no variation. What you say communicates your wishes for the person to respect your decision. An example is “Please don’t make the same request again. I’ve said ‘no’ so can you please accept that?” Do this with “soft” body language so you don’t come across as aggressive.

Further Tips

Passive or Aggressive: If you’re a person who frequently gives into people’s requests then you are behaving passively. Identify this behavioral pattern and begin using the advice shared throughout this entire article.

If you’re a person who feels the pressure, stress, and intensity of the request build up and it becomes too much for you, then you’ll likely have aggressive outbursts. You will say “NO!” loudly and become frustrated. You will probably degrade the other person through statements like “I’m not doing what you say” or “You can’t tell me what to do.”

Neither being passive or aggressive is beneficial for you.

Truth or Myth: I know at my old workplace when I was asked to work extra hours I would make up a false excuse to get out of working extra time. Sometimes this worked while other times it didn’t. The reason a lie worked and other times it didn’t work was the body language communicated when lying and other verbal cues.

When we tell the truth, our bodies have a natural ability to communicate the message confidently. When we tell a lie, our bodies have a natural tendency to communicate the message with poor confidence.

If you do choose to make up a false excuse when saying no, follow the body language tips provided above and also the tips below:

1. Maintain a consistent voice. Have the same volume, tone, and speed as you had prior to lying.
2. A sign of uneasiness will signal that you are lying. Things like switching the topic and using sarcasm are good indicators of uneasiness.
3. Don’t become defensive! This is a huge tip and definitely can be applied to many different situations when saying no. Defensiveness ties in with being uneasy. Defensive behaviors can include becoming argumentative and being resistant to hearing another’s opinion. Providing that “thinking gap” during silence for a few seconds helps overcome this.

Persuasive Understanding: There is something about human nature where we all seek to be understood. If a person doesn’t understand us then we feel a disconnection from this person. In a situation where you need to be persuasive like in saying no and getting someone to obey your request, understanding the other person will increase your persuasive power. If a guy who is making a request doesn’t feel you understand him then he’ll reason to himself that “You don’t understand me so you don’t understand the situation.” He’ll then continue to bug you.

Overall, no is not a bad word to say if you know how to say it. Learning any assertive skill where you correctly express yourself while not hurting other people is helpful to both parties involved. Saying no will do you and other people a great deal of good.

Stop seeing this assertive skill in a bad light where you think you’re letting the requester down. If you correctly assert yourself with the variations and tips provided in this article the person will eventually accept your decision. Focus on the benefits you’ll receive by learning how to correctly decline someone’s request. Think about how much more positive your attitude will be in the relationship because you communicated your desires in a safe manner. By following the advice provided in this article, you should have all your bases covered. You’re now prepared to say no in any situation that is against your will!

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