Getting Over a Relationship Break Up
3 November 2006 | 11:29 | Conflict Management, Interpersonal Relationships | 192 Comments
*note: For a full guide to completely get over your break up and make up with the person you love, so you can end the feelings of pain and start feeling great again, women should click here. If you’re a guy who wants to get back his girlfriend, I recommend you see this guide.
Our relationships are the connection we have with people and so it often determines how happy or “sweet” our lives are. Just like the great fruit a lemon can be when it compliments other ingredients even when it might not be great with others, so is our relationships filled with the greats, the inevitable negatives, and ultimately despised break up.
Did you know psychologists concur that having a relationship break up is like going through grief? Contrasting grieving and getting over a break up, you can probably see why. In both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go. By using similar principles to grieving for someone, you can get over a relationship breakup.
Break Ups Happen
As with death, break ups are a part of relationships and life. Death is inevitable. Break ups are inevitable. Acknowledge relationships end all the time. As simple as that statement appears, do not mistake simplicity for power. Our egos blow personal problems out of perspective causing us to think what is common in the world is unique for us. We think an ending relationship will be the end of our well-being. However, if you talk to a friend about getting over his or her relationship break up, you won’t have this ego problem and you will be able to see from a healthy perspective that break ups happen.
You wouldn’t have been able to experience the wonderful feelings you had with your most recent partner if you hadn’t broken up with someone before. The same can be said for your future partner. You won’t be able to experience the wonderful times and emotions with them if you don’t get over your broken relationship. It is as simple as that.
Types of Break Ups
Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger while others can be a complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups:
- You chose to break up – this type of break up is the easiest and will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision will make you happier than being in the relationship.
- The other person chose to break up – the hardest type of break up to deal with is the other person deciding to break up with you and is the main focus in this article.
- Mutual break up – the two of you have talked the process through and concluded splitting up is the best option. The rarest type of break up where each individual often cares how the other person they are leaving feels about the decision. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common.
Coming to terms with breaking up and knowing which type it is will initiate you being able to get over your relationship break up. However, it isn’t that clear-cut. You can often undergo a painfully recurrent uncertainty when splitting up where you wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This leads us onto the golden rule of getting over someone.
The Golden Rule of Moving On
Having truly realized that break ups happen and more importantly that they will happen to you, it is time to tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself, and internalize the belief, that you want to get over the person you are breaking up with. Why is this important?
Let’s put it this way. How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person? It happens too often.
What is even worse than being resistant to getting over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is not being aware of the mental tug-o-war game. The internal conflict within yourself will leave you frustrated and not in control of your thoughts and emotions. You’ll be uncertain of getting back together with your old partner while being unwilling to move on and enjoy your life by yourself or with another partner. By wanting both lifestyles you will achieve neither. Commit to a decision.
If you have a choice of flying to one of Paris or Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit both cities while not wanting to miss the other, you’ll never make a decision. You’ll miss out on visiting either city. There’s a Russian proverb that says, “If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you will achieve neither and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire.
You have to be certain of yourself and know what you want. Don’t destroy the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person. You can ask yourself questions like, “What makes me still attracted to the person?”, “Why can’t I get over him/her?”, and “What do I like about the person?” to develop an understanding of yourself. Discover what is causing you the emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Ask yourself other questions that help clarify your emotions and thoughts. Clarity will form a direction you will head towards in your life. It will tell you where not to go. It will show you want you want. You will no longer have second thoughts and be uncertain of what you want. By clearly defining a destination you are able to map out a path as to how you will arrive there. Conduct an “investigation” making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve “the crime”.
People are unconscious of their emotional awareness in a break up and never know why they are experiencing pain. You will never get a solution if you do not know the problem. To additionally help you overcome this problem, I recommend you check out an article I have written titled “1. Principle of Influence: Commitment and Consistency” and you’ll discover a powerful influence that makes you stay in an unhappy relationship.
You Can Decide What Is Right
Maybe you are still uncertain of whether you should break up. There are simple actions you can take to see whether a break up is the better option.
Don’t worry about going to university and studying a degree in psychology to have to understand when you are in a bad relationship. There are clues that you are probably already aware of that are hinting your relationship is more like a lemon than lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:
- Are you and the other person feeling the same emotions as you were at the start of your relationship?
- Do the two of you share the same important values like religious beliefs?
- How often do you communicate to one another?
- When you do communicate, what things do you talk about?
- Do you enjoy being together?
- Do you perceive being single in a better light than being in a relationship?
- What causes the two of you to fight? Little things that show hostility or big problems like an affair?
- Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are you putting yourself through misery in not wanting to hurt the person?
- Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love?
Ask other people what they see and think about your relationship with the person. Take their opinions into account to help you decide what you want. However, don’t base your decision solely on what they think as the most important factor is how you feel.
Most women live in bad relationships because they would rather avoid being alone. They see married couples and envy their relationship. The thoughts about getting back together or just finding any guy then start racing through their mind. It isn’t unusual at all for the woman to reason that being in a bad relationship is more desirable than being alone. Some women unknowingly feel comforted in awful relationships. This is a blinding and dangerous process for a woman’s well-being.
Are you using the excuse that you’re feeling of “love” is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you think you still “love” the person, ask yourself the many questions above. The questions act as objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your understanding of the situation.
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that people often fail to distinguish between their different emotions. For example, excitement can be misunderstood as fear. How do you know that it is love you feel? Does your answers to the above questions sound like love to you? What specific events tell you that what you are experience with one person is love? What physical responses do you have which let you know that what you experience with another person isn’t love? Asking yourself these questions will make it crystal clear whether you really do experience love.
Even if you are sure you love the other person (remembering to be thinking objectively about this with the questions asked), love alone isn’t a good indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a relationship. It is an emotion. Don’t become intoxicated by affection, attraction, or love.
Remember that relationships can be repaired of course so don’t conclude that you should break up just because things are sour at the moment. If you still have a relationship with this person where you can communicate, talk things over with your partner in a safe environment. Though if you are certain the relationship is over, asking these questions will help reinforce your thoughts to fight away “what ifs” and “maybes” that you may have about getting back into the relationship. Though you may know something has ended, you will most likely still need thoughts to reinforce that it has in fact ended.
Emotional Baggage Holding You Back
It can be easy to carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the next. Emotional baggage occurs when you carry your emotions from one relationship to another much like you would carry a backpack while traveling from one destination to another. The damage you received from one person, you hold it against the other and prevent a potentially deep interpersonal relationship from starting. You carry it around because you fail to let go or you fear of being hurt again.
By protecting yourself, you forgo the risk of being hurt again and miss out on amazing happiness with your partner. People are in relationships all the time where they protect themselves by holding back communication and experiencing full potential emotions. They say things like “I don’t want to get hurt again”, “I’m still hurting”, or “I’m not over it.” They withhold their full emotional selves and communication from the relationship to emotionally protect oneself.
There is no denying that you can get damaged when putting trust in someone or a situation, yet by holding back you are missing out on reaping the joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You do not have to quickly “dive into” the relationship. Few relationships consist of quickly developed deep emotions. You can “dip your toes” into the relationship and gradually but surely fully immerse yourself. Overcome issues like managing stress in a divorce and begin dropping your emotional baggage onto the ground. Doing so will ensure you experience full intimacy that otherwise would not have been achievable by carrying emotional baggage around.
Learn From It
I’m a firm believer in that every person can learn a lesson from almost every person and situation. The same goes for experiencing a relationship break up. You can learn vital lessons and experience personal growth instead of personal decay.
Your main goal in relationships is finding your perfect partner. One who you can share love, feel connected, and be one. You cannot achieve this by carrying around emotional baggage as described before and not learning from your mistakes. Does it make sense to learn from a break up so you can progress forward finding your ultimate partner instead of the old relationship being a complete waste of time, intense emotions, and energy?
Of course it does!
However, it is easier said than done. Instead of looking for the positive in breaking up, it can be extremely easy to find the negative to strengthen your negative beliefs and not move on becoming smarter and stronger for future relationships. Little negative things you pick up can snowball into huge problems. This mindset is extremely damaging causing a chain reaction of negative building from the negative until you are fully emotionally unavailable in relationships. What happens here is you become extremely negative and see no positive. You see problems and not opportunities. (EDIT: take a look at all the negativity people are focused on in the comments below. See how people are focused on the problem? You don’t want this.)
In learning from your experience I recommend you take responsibility for what occurred. In many break ups, each person blames the other. No one person is often mutually agreed upon to have caused the split. There are lots of circumstances where this hasn’t been true, but be honest with yourself and learn from your past mistakes and problems. Take responsibility and do not play the blame game.
I can almost guarantee that you did something seriously wrong in the relationship which contributed to the break up. It’s just that maybe you are not aware of what occurred because you lack the knowledge to know what went on. Maybe you didn’t know how attraction works, you didn’t effectively listen to your partner, or you didn’t have the assertive skills to address a problem that was concerning you. Can you now see the powerful role you may have played in the break up?
It is important that you know getting over a break up is more than just moving on. It is learning from your past for a better future by accepting responsibility for what occurred. Look at the situation as a learning experience in your journey towards finding your ultimate partner.
Express It
Once you’ve recognized the break up is inevitable or has occurred, use the techniques explained earlier in addition to the ones below to get over the break up. There are many things you can do to get over a relationship break up but one of the most important things you can do is to have a support group.
For most girls this will come easy but for guys it’ll be difficult as society makes you think you’re not macho enough if you express your emotions. Girls can communicate to their closest friends and talk to their parents or brothers and sisters provided these support people are willing to listen and help you get through this difficult time. The people closest to you are the ones who care for your well-being and by letting them know you need them to just listen to you about your break up, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you are feeling. Let them know you are only after a listening ear to avoid having them turn into an amateur psychologist by giving you advice. You want a support group or person for expressing yourself and your emotions and not for relationship advice.
As for the guys, you can use the same principles but chances are you won’t want to talk to your guy friends about the break up. Remember that if it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. You need to have a support group or at least a support person to talk too. Finding a support group is vital to getting over a relationship break up.
How to Move on From Pain
At this stage, we’ve clearly defined what you do, and do not, want because a broken relationship can be very confusing. You’ve also learned about love, carrying around emotional baggage, learning from the past, and expressing your pain. If you’re not up to this stage, go back and read the beginnings of this article.
Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of rejection which occurs during a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity. This is why the other person breaking up with you can be very painful. Someone punching you in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as being rejected in a break up.
The physical pain you experience can be cured by a doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a state of healing so it can heal itself.
The pain you experience from the past is irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it. You need to put your mind and body into a state that allows it to heal itself emotionally. One way to achieve this is time, but I’m sure you don’t want to waste ten years of your life living in pain.
Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you choose a therapist? It’s up to you. All therapy works for different people in different situations. Even no therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic.
Before you do decide on spending thousands of dollars on someone who will listen to your problems, I want you to do this exercise. The exercise I’m about to share with you is powerful because it doesn’t change the content of your experience. Your experience has happened and you can’t change it. What the exercise does change is the process. The exercise changes the attributions you make to the past and future.
Think of a pleasant experience you have had in the past or imagine a pleasant experience you would like to have in the future. See the image. As you see the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger, brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the image increase in size. As the image changes, notice how you feel. After you’ve done that, move the image in the opposite direction. Take your time doing the exercise. Gradually make the pleasant image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from you. Again, as the image changes, notice how you feel this time.
Once you’ve done that little exercise, how did you feel when the image become brighter and increased in size? How did you feel when the image become smaller, dim, and further from you? Most people experience intense emotions when they see a bright and large image. On the contrary, they also experience little emotion when they see a small, dim, and distant image. You can probably see how this is playing out for you in moving on from pain.
If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making pleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling happy!
Apply this very concept to your relationships. Your unpleasant images are the break up movies you continually play in your mind, while your pleasant images are whatever you see as pleasurable to you.
Shrink the unpleasant images and see the images going away from you. Next, having constructed your beliefs and defining clarity for you pleasant image, intensify what you want. Awaken your inner desire by constantly feeling, thinking, seeing, and even touching and smelling what your goal will be like. Imagine yourself with a big smile. Feel the joy within yourself. Think how great it will be to have gotten over your break up. See yourself touching your surroundings.
The premise of the law of attraction works by living your present as if it were your desired future. Acting “as if” attracts the thoughts, feelings, and experiences you desire. You will be able to get over your relationship much faster by intensely imagining what your five senses will be like having achieved that goal. Again, I recommend you apply this technique to as many areas of your life as possible. You will greatly increase your success by vividly experiencing what you want.
Source of Energy
Unfortunately for many people, their relationship with a partner is what exactly determines how happy their life is at the present moment. If their relationship is sour, then so is the individual. It is almost a codependency trap. This neediness eventually deteriorates the relationship and scares away their partner.
Many individuals have a mediocre life such that they desperately need a partner. The person isn’t bursting with pure joy and happiness when they’re single and thinks a good relationship is what will make them happy and solve their problems. If a person goes into a relationship like this, he or she will destroy it.
If you don’t have a great single life where you wonder how to fit a relationship in, then I question whether you should be in a relationship. You need to become your own source of energy and be in control of your emotions instead of being dependent on others for things like comfort, happiness, and emotional security. This view is the opposite perspective to a time-consuming, miserable, and codependent relationship.
You’ve broken up and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make a big change in your life. For you, it could be working harder to get a promotion, exercising, reading self help books, taking a new course, socializing, or going out with friends more. You need to take the action to create a single life where you are happily busy and question whether you want a relationship with someone. I guarantee you that having such a great single life is what will attract a future partner for you.
I honestly believe a break up can be one of the greatest things to happen to a person depending on where they are in their life. I say this because you will have poor communication or relationship skills in various areas and improving in them allows you to have more fulfilling future relationships. Like I said earlier, learn from the break up. If splitting up encourages you to undergo a lot of self help, then the changes in your life will be amazing.
When life throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not try and divulge the lemon. Instead, look at the lemon from a different perspective and see that you can make lemonade. As with bad relationships, yours and the other person’s emotions seem awful and bitter, but by using these techniques you can now look at a break up from a different perspective and move on with your life continuing your search for that perfect partner.
(If you are reading this article, single because of your recent break up, feeling a sense of depression, and still interested in getting back with your ex, pay attention before it’s too late to get back your ex. If you’re a girl wanting to get her boyfriend back, so you can end the feelings of pain and start feeling great again, click here. If you’re a guy who wants to get back his girlfriend, I recommend you get this guide.)
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Having a very difficult time with a breakup..can’t seem to get a handle..I know it is for the best but I am having a hard time excepting it..this is an excellent article..I do have a BA in psychology and can’t help myself to know what to do..thanks…my ex and I still talk (fight) almost daily..a big no-no
i was recently in a relationship that turned long distance, and this was causing a very straining effect on the relationship. we were engaged for two years, and spontaineously my fiancee decided that this wasnt working and it wasnt worth saving. what do i need to know to avoid thinking this was my fault? everything was going smoothly, without any hitches to ruin us. and for me, memories of good times are causing the overwhelming grief.
My boyfriend broke up with me about 36 hours ago…its killin me, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant drink hardly..
he broke up with me because he wants to be single..basically the “its not you its me” thing. I want him back so bad it hurts. I thought he was the one for me..I was so proud to be his girl..and whats going to hurt me and devestate me most is if he gets a new girl..i dont want her on him, holding him, kissing him, its me he should be doing that to..
im 19 years old..but i have a very mature outlook on life. im looking for that person to spend my life with. i thought it would be him..in 7 months time i have had 1 extremely bad heartbreak (my first love left me aftet 2 years together) and now this one..any advice for me.. because i cant get him off my mind.
@ Stephen – This is going to be tough to hear, but you need to accept radical responsibility. Wanting to avoid blaming yourself from the break up is only playing the blame game with your partner and you won’t come out any better from your tough experience. Breaking up is an emotionally intense experience so make the most out of it by learning from it. Accept the role you played in the break up, see why it failed, and learn the skills you failed to have so your next relationship is a great one.
@ Jessica – Firstly, make sure you’re doing everything else in the article. Answer the questions and do the activity “vividly live your future”. There is NOTHING that will magically and instantly destroy the pain you experience in a relationship break up. You love someone, they leave you, and you can’t be expected to just get over it. Remember, it’s like grieving. Work through the emotions.
Hope this helps.
How do I get over this feeling that is a mixture of hurt, anger, and frustration that I found out his obsession over playing video games is part of the reason he left me. The other being me asking for attention (because he was always playing the games) and the fact I made lil arguments big arguments….now that i have my answer..i dont know how to work foward..
My boyfriend’s mother passed away and he cant grieve for her and have a relationship at the same time. He cant give me the attention I need. He wants me to move on but I cant let go of what we had or what we could have had. How do I let him grieve by himself even if its what he thinks he needs?
I was in a relationship (a little over a year) that turned into a long distance relationship. It was fine for about a month and then things just went down hill. My now ex-boyfriend would forget to call or never call and when i’d try to call him he would never pick up and never return my messages. And then when we discussed it he told me he equated calling me to a chore and he was just too busy with work (recent graduate of college finding his way in the work force). It was then i suggested that if he wasn’t happy we should break up. He wanted a ‘break’, but i insisted a break up because i don’t believe in ‘breaks’. I gave him time to think about it and reinforced the fact that i was willing to work on this relationship and let him know that i was open to compromise and such. I left the final decision up to him.
After some thought he decided the best thing was to end it. I was devistated. it’s now been over 3 months since the break up. As difficult as it was I was starting to move on even though my ex and i still talked once in awhile as friends.
HOWEVER here’s the thing: he called me the other week asking me if he could ‘court’ me. Take it slow and get to know each other again.
This is what i wanted for a long time b/c I love(d) him but two things worry me: 1) his reasons for wanting to get back together- i don’t know them (security blanket vs. real interest) 2) long distance/previous problem with calls.
Do i give him a second chance? or do i move on like all of my friends are telling me to? Can a person really change in four months or is he just lonely and is scared he won’t be able to find another girl? I feel like i’m running circles in my mind and would appreciate any advice.
@ Jessica – Asking for attention is a guaranteed way to destroy attraction. It communicates neediness and especially when a girl does it to a guy. You probably heard him say things like “I just want a little freedom”.
You remove your anger by forgiving him. Uh huh. You read that right. Acknowledge in your own mind that he wasn’t ready enough for a relationship with you because of his gaming and forgive him for that. This isn’t about anyone being right or wrong. It is about you moving on. Finding the art of forgiveness is about getting on with your life, not letting the past infect your present, and letting your desired future guide your current thoughts and feelings which lead to results. Combine it with the “vividly live your future activity”…
@ Brianna – Did you notice how you sounded in your question? Your boyfriend’s mother died and your concern is “he can’t give ME the attention I deserve”… Take a look at who really needs the attention and support at the moment.
@ Laura – Hardly any guys want to WORK on a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be fun and I’ve found that women who hit “relationship mode” all of a sudden transition the fun into seriousness. If you haven’t been in contact with him for several months then how can he feel attracted to you out of interest? Does someone’s interest in a long-distance relationship all of a sudden reignite after months? Nope. I’d go with the security blanket option.
*Cough* donate *Cough*
I’m desperately trying to get over my ex. I’ve been with my boyfriend now for almost two years, he’s almost perfect and there’s nothing I could ask for more. The only problem is that I can’t get over my ex and he’s aware of it. My Ex just surprisingly broke up with me one day and after that, I started to find out things about him… How he was cheating on me while we were together and told me a lot of lies… I can’t get over that, and I’m trying my best to take him out of my system… I just want to be happy… How could I ever forgive someone who doesn’t even seek for forgiveness? What am I suppose to do? I want to forget him and move on with my relationship… Because of him even my boyfriend right now is suffering… I really need to get over him… Please help me!
I have been with my gf for 5 years (still having a tough time calling her ex.) now she is oversea’s she decided to call it quits, well she told me she couldn’t come back so I suggest we break up (even though I don’t want to). It’s very tough I still can’t accept she loved me so much she cryed before we left and for her to leave me seems very strange. When I ask her is it another guy she won’t respond. That seems to hurt the most, I mean how can you be in love with someone and have her leave me for another guy. Really hard to accept. It hurts so much when I think of her holding hands and being happy right now while I’m so hurt. Seems very unfair. I try to forget about the memories and her but its to hard….
I was friends with my ex for 10 years before we started to be in a relationship. I’m 21 and he’s 23, we were one anothers first. We had difficulty adjusting when I move to Atlanta. We were always in a long distance relationship but up until a week ago we now live in the same city. I don’t know what to do, overnight my expectations changed and I almost required him to see me and there wasn’t a night that I wouldn’t bitch about him not calling. I would have thought he would have been excited to see me but instead he said I was taking up all his time. We have been friends for 10 years and I thought the line of communication would have been open more due to that foundation. Now I feel miserable and lost in a city all by myself and I have yet to fully indulge myself in this relocating experinence. I talked to my roommate about it, she said all I need is a glass of wine and some girlfriends. I don’t know, perhaps that would work as a temporary relief to this current pain. It’s hard knowing that he lives right down the street and won’t even call or see you and that what you thought you had possibly didn’t even exist. I used to be so strong and career focused to a point of no return and being that I have always loved him when we decided to engage in a realtionship I dove right in beause in my heart, he was the one I had been waiting on to come around. I want to cry to him and say let’s just get back together and churn at it and work at it because I though this is what he wanted. I hate it because I feel like our relationship was partially the reason that I moved out here. Who knew I would feel like this?
When going through a relationship break up, one of the last things you want to do is start FORCING the other person to see you, working through the relationship, or putting in “more effort”. These are all dominating behaviors that control a person. Men and though less likely, women, will keep distancing themselves if such controlling behaviors are forced on them.
Most of the questions here are answered in this article and the one I directly referred to on keeping perspective where everyone feels unique about their break up.
To me it seems most people just want someone who will listen which is the support issue I mentioned…
It has been two days since my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She comes from a very religious family and obviously I don’t. I had previously made it clear that I would whole heartedly do the conversion thing but I guess it wasn’t enough. She told me she couldn’t see herself with me in the future, could not see me with her family. It has been an ongoing dilemma throughout our relationship pretty much since day 1. Foolishly we’ve both always ignored it or brushed it aside. Call me a hopeless romantic. It doesn’t help that our racial backgrounds are drastically different. I want her back so badly but my rational side tells me this is for the better. She has been my rock for the past two years. When my life seems to be spiraling out of control, I’ve always been able to take comfort in her. I have some wonderful friends who have been trying to help me through this but it still hurts so badly. I am trying hard not to call her but there are still things I want to say to her that I left out when we had our break-up talk.
I’ve always had this problem, i love someone but not all the time, sometimes they go on my nerves and when we break up i feel lonely and want to get back together. now i’m with a guy who’s 4 years younger, he’s almost perfect, but the problem is again me, i don’t feel the love all the time, sometimes i just want to fight with him to feel alive, i want to break up but , but i know i’ll regret it. in every relationship i’ve been in, i broke up at least 3 or 4 times and always got back tohether and i know the next time around it will be the same! i just want to be able to make a decision and stick with it, either to stay in or out of a relationship:twisted:
I’m sorry about your situation. I can relate to it. My boyfriend is extremely religious and refuses to marry anyone with different religious beliefs. I’m willing to compromise but, he says there is no compromise when it comes to God. I am happy with my religion and don’t want to change it. I’m comfortable with us being different religions but, he isn’t. He constantly hints about me converting but, I don’t want to. We’ve been together for a year and a half and everything else is basically fine. I don’t know……
Well i read all that one thing is it was my first relationship and for the first week me and my partner were going out and me and him fell in love with each other and it turned sexual all to quick and then we tried holding that off for a bit but after that i tried being nice to him and he started shunning me away and i was wondering why he was doing that i thought we had something going at first at the start but it seemed he started hateing me and a few days later he called me to his room and told me we were breaking up in a calm manor and i was trying to be alright with it and i sounded calm to but later this night it all caught up to me and i broke out cring it happend tonight.. im just wondering is thier anything else i need to know cause i stil have extreme feelings for him and sence this was my first maybe i can understand why but.. i dont know its a bit hard on me
guilt is worthless.. so is loathing….
natasha
i was with my jerk for 12 years,
and i left him do to posessiveness and cruelty ,mind games .i thought i would die of loneliness if i was alone,but i rather be lonely than treated like a caged animal,i could not have friends or go out or look in any man’s direction ,and he felt ,his way or the high way,he also called me up and said ,are we over because i am going to the bar to pick up women and i have extra condoms see ya later!!!!!
Natasha and Suzan, I just want to point out that the behaviors you saw in your boyfriends like excessive control are symptoms of domestic violence.
If behaviors as such are not stopped or reduced, for your own sake, break up and get the heck out of the relationship before the physical abuse begins.
I’ve realized a powerful behavior in those that break up thanks to everyone’s comments. Expect another article related to relationship break ups soon so stay tuned
My relationship finished a couple of hours ago – We had been discussing it for a few weeks so it wasn’t a suprise, but I am now too confused. Feelings of hurt and grief haven’t set in, but I’m just waiting for them to come. We had been going out for 6 years and just bought a house together 6 months ago. She says that I am not the one for marriage and so we can’t go on. We don’t argue or fight, and she says she loves me very much. I don’t thinks she is seeing anyone else either. I feel very empty, not angry at her but just feel like I can’t be bothered.
I know we have to sell the house now, but I have fear about being alone again, having to buy a small flat for myself and basically being isolated as my friends live all over the country. To be honest my head is all over the place and I would do anything to change the situation…I’m really confused.
My ex and I were together for four years. After I got pregnant he became very distant. After our daughter was born he would break up with me every few months and I would always take him back because I loved him and I wanted our family to work. After doing this for about a year he finally left again and immeditatly found a new girlfriend. I have to see him all the time because we have a child together and I want us to be able to be friends, but it has been six months and I still can’t seem to get over the hurt and pain and move on with my life.
It’s good to see people in the same boat as me. My girlfriend split up with me on 24th December 06 which is ironic because we actually met on 24th December 04. It was a very rough ride with her being pregnant when we met altho none of us knew until later. We had a daughter in Sept 05 and I promised to be there for her whatever happens. I left a 16 year relationship to make this work and it fell apart. I keep in contact with her almost every day but It’s slowly dying and I am finding it even harder to move on. Maybe there is some reason behind this but as of yet I fail to see anything but pain and hurt.
Hi
Joanne – its incredibly hard when you have a small child and have to see the person. Find things to look forward too for your own sanity. I wasted far too long feeling low in that situation.It does get easier as they get older but you must look after yourself.
Reason I was on this site is that I just split up with a guy, I though he wanted the same goals in lifestyle as I did but I think he was just saying that to keep seeing me (his previous girlfriends not that affectionate shall I say;-)
He said he’s consider living in my town(he can work from anywhere, me living where he does would involve a 3 hour daily commute..) but all he talked about in future was about his town…i feel a bit stupid because I had reservations abot seeing him from the start. I’m not sure that I feel better about being the one who finished it – I feel like I’ve had that future I so wanted taken away from me.
My girlfriend of 13 months broke up with me 4 days ago. Two months ago she moved to a different city for a job she really wanted, and I am okay and respect that. I went down on Thursday and had a great weekend with her-only to have her break up with me on Sunday. I have never experienced pain and grief like this. She told me its not working, she does not want a long distance relationship and that she thinks she has feelings for a co worker of hers. She broke up with me for a few hours maybe a month ago- said she was not happy with the way things were going. I thought we were in the process of working it out but then I had a bomb dropped on my Sunday. I love this woman so much, and I really care about her. She is the most amazing woman I have ever known. I will learn to accept this break up, and we have both vowed to stay friends because we both like and care about each other. Its just these first few weeks that really suck. Thankfully I have a good friend who is helping me though this, she allows me to vent my feelings to her. I feel much better then I did the two days after the break up which were the worst of my life. All I can really advise is let your emotions go, don’t feel you have to much pride to cry, and keep yourself as busy as possible. Keep a positive outlooks and like the writer said on this website- keep perspective. I want nothing more then to get back with her but I know that is not going to happen and the next step for me is to fully accept this and forgive her.
I realize that I do need to move on with my life, especially since my ex has. It’s such a hard thing to do because he’s my best friend and I miss how great we were together. I’m having a really hard time excepting the fact that he stopped loving me. It’s so to be around him knowing that our life together is over and he’s with someone else. We have an amazing little girl together and she’ll never get to know how great we were together. I try to convince myself that I’m better off but it’s been six months. I’m beginning to feel like I’ll always be sad. I would do anything to be able to move on with my life.
My boyfriend of almost 5 years told me he does not want to move to be with me. We were college sweethearts and had an amazing time together. I thought it was the love of my life. Because of my career, we have been long distance for the past year and a half. He told me that he would move to be with me this summer but then suddenly changed his mind. I thought it was cold feet but then he said he wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. I can’t move to be with him when my job. I would move to be with him but now with his hesitation to move to be with me I worry I would and then I would be without a boyfriend and without a job. We basically just broke up 3 hours ago. Now I don’t know how to start over. My jobs moves me all over the country and he was my one constant. I am heartbroken because he just seems not to care that we are over. He even told me that one day he will probably think of me as “the one who got away.” Like that is supposed to make me feel better!
Joanne,
I’m in the same boat, can’t move on and the ex has really moved on. I’m very thankful my ex ever came into my life, and you sound a little bit like that too. But it’s so hard to realize that they don’t want that relationship with us anymore. If you’re like me, you’re replaying some of the greatest moments you ever had together and want that relationship back, but I know in my case, it’s not coming back. It’s just not.
Anyway, my thoughts are with you and we will get through it.
Any break up is painful. In Asia especially where the social norms of marriage are considered conservative and secure the girl especially finds it very hard to accept the truth of being ostracised. Though I have no feelings towards my ex husband but still I feel insecured and hurt for the reason of my divorce. I too had a negative feeling initially that I’m a failure and was apprehensive for a new start again in my life. Your article encouraged me alot.
Hi all, until 2 weeks ago I was in a relationship for over 2 and a half years. We got engaged on NYD this year and bought a house together a year ago. Everything was fine between us but I messed up because I had too much to drink one night 8 months ago. I physically hurt her without intending to (it didn’t include the use of my fists by the way). She then gave me the ultimatum that I should give up drink forever (never ever touch a drop) and I leapt at the chance because I wanted to stay with her more than anything and I never wanted to hurt her again. There have been numerous problems in her family caused by alcohol and I feel that this has ultimately led to our downfall – I think that she antagonised me and tried to provoke me to hurt her that night when I got very drunk so that she could produce the ultimatum. Anyway, I gave up drinking for the past 8 months. On occasions this was difficult, like when we got engaged and lots of people bought us bottles of champagne but I wasn’t allowed to celebrate with a single glass with her. Christmas was difficult too. Recently I got completely sick of the taste of Coke and became fed up of being the ‘tag along taxi’ that I had become with my friends. I’m a very sociable person but have resorted to staying in because I don’t like people constantly asking “are you having a drink tonight…. oh why not?!?” and all the time I am reminded of what happened on that evening 8 months ago as if I’d turn into the Incredible Hulk after one drop of beer – that simply is not the case. I felt that this was eating me away from inside as I believed that no drink ever was the solution (I am still very young and don’t want to wake up in 10/20/30/40 years thinking “why did I waste my youth like that?!”). I tried to compromise with her and suggested that I never have any spirits EVER, nor do I have more than a couple. All I wanted to be able to do was have the odd beer when the footy is on TV, when it’s christmas or when we have something to celebrate, is that too much to ask? She thinks I have a drink problem and would not give in despite all my efforts. None of my family or friends believe I have a drink problem. I love my now ex fiance still, and I know she loves me. We want to be together forever yet we cannot agree on this one thing and now both of our futures have changed. I’m have tried telling her that it’s not that I want to go out and get drunk all the time. I just want to be able to have the odd beer every now and then and relax like everyone else. I never wanted us to break up but that’s just what seems to have happened! We’re still being nice to each other at the moment but I just know that sooner or later it’s going to get ugly. All I say is… Good luck to us all.
I’m 31 & very confused about my 9 year relationship w/ my b/f. He is the man of my dreams the majority of the time. Thoughtful, romantic, faithful, still very phystically attractive to him. He has an anger issue & can’t (or maybe won’t) work. I knew that at the beginning, though. I’ve lied to myself over the years, thinking he wouldn’t turn his anger on me, or he just has to find the right job. So 9 years later – I don’t like who I’ve become – I’ve lost a lot of self respect. And I love him so much, I can’t watch him try to be something he’s not for me. He’s gone to counsling, tried medication. The verbal abuse is better, but still there. Obviously when I use my head – I should let go & end it for both of our sakes. But my heart just can’t hear or take that. He is my first love. He took me with all my faults. I thought I could do the same. I feel I’m betraying my best friend. Any advice?
My ex broke up with me through text yesterday @ 1pm. I was so shocked- still am. We had a great time the other night at dinner talking and planning our future- Our relationship has not been perfect- I was always giving and giving and he was always taking. He never wanted to talk about our relationship or the problems that came up. Always shut down and didn’t want to bother with them. So I asked him to read a book “5 Lanuages of Love” and he said he would- so it’s been 5 months since he had that book- I got upset with him and said to really think about our relationship and get back with me by Monday and let me know where I stand in his life- so he text me yesterday- “I know exactly what is going on and you don’t have to explain. I will see you around. It is obviously not working out”. That’s all- that was it- I called him after I received his text and he didn’t answer. He text me early this morning and asked- “I know you are with someone else and that is the real reason why you act the way you act- plz tell me you are with someone else-”- WOW!
KC- 9 years? the verbal abuse has gotten better? My ex bf has a anger issue too-that makes him shut down when we need to talk about important things. He has not hit me before but I feel one day in my hear it will get to that point. He has brought me to the lowest point in my life- by all his mind games he plays and at the end he made me believe it was all my fault and that IT HAD to be since he can not take responsiblities for his own actions. He blames his drinking, his family, his past relationships of how he is today. His ex gf cheated on him and he can not trust me worth anything. You have held on too long and you need to LET GO and LET GOD. Basically let go of him and give it all to God. Believe and he will take care of your broken heart. I went to church today and I feel better already. I know you love him- I loved my ex with everything I had and he still wouldn’t change for himself. So that tells me one thing- My love isn’t enough for him as is your love for you bf. Stop blaming yourself-it is not your fault. You may have faults as you say he accepted you with your faults-but you made healthy changes in your life I am sure and he is still the same as in 9yrs ago or maybe worse since he has you to fall back on everytime. 9yrs is a long time to wait and see if the man of your dreams will change- he has to do it for himself for it everything to work out. You need to write down all the happiness he brings in your life and then write down all the times he made you cry and not have concern for your feelings. I know it is hard to let go of someone you love, but I know the feeling when you love someone and they don’t return the love back- or they return the love, but not the way you deserve- I know exactly how you are feeling- I started feeling like this within 3 months of our relationship and I held on, but then he broke it off with me, but he has been calling and texting me. I have not answered. I have made up my mind to just cut him off totally- if I don’t this will be the same even worse 5 yrs from now. I do not want to look back and say “I wish I would of left him when I had a chance.” You can’t help him with his anger issues- you can do so much, but he has to be willing to change and see his faults. I will be praying for you-
Well i met someone 4 years ago who was already involved ina relationship. Our feelings towards eachother grew emotially and deep. We fell inlove with eachother. He was my first love. I gave him ultimatums to pick me or this other girl and he chose her countless times. His exuses were because his families were so close to this other girl. He often expressed his heart and soul is belongs to me and his mind is set on her. He is miserable with her, yet he risked his happiness for everyone else. neither of us can get over eachother, he is now getting engaged in september and i know i have to prepare myself to move on with my life. When i think about how great our communication and how deep our love was , its just a shame that it has to end. tru luv comes once why should we let it go? Please give me some advice on what i should do. should i keep fighting for him? even though he made his choice? or should i just let go knowing it was a mistake to end us.
lynn – thanks for the caring advice. I am every day letting go of the control & the desire to fix him. I got some great advice “keep moving forward”. While I’m in limbo w/ leaving him (he wants cousling one more time) I’m focused on me. Which is something new for me. I’m getting the boob job, I’m fixing my teeth, hanging out with my friends & family I’ve become distant with over the years. I am already starting to feel better about myself. I’ll never fall back in that mindset of numbness. No matter what happens with him & me, I think me & me are going to be just fine.
Julie – No i don’t think you should fight for him. He hasn’t fought for you. Look at his actions, not his words. Not only are actions louder, but they are more honest than words. Reading my blog, i’m no expert on good descions about men
, but from what i’ve read, you are lying to yourself, like I did for many years. be honest with yourself. tru love? leaving you everynight for another woman, choosing to give her his name, his children, she is his partner in life. that is what is actions have told me. In time you’ll soon see it was no mistake to end this. If he was to choose you to marry, would you always wonder if he is with another women when things get bad. You should!!!Thats how it works, things get bad when you share responsiblities in life. He shares his world with her & takes a break & has fun with you. If he married you, he would more than likely find someone else to have fun with when things got tough. I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I’m in limbo, too. Time does heal all wounds. right? keep your chin up 
Yeah so my ex bf text me today and says- I never broke up with you- I don’t know where you got the crazy idea-ha ha ha ha. He tries to make me sound like I am crazy- “I have other crap to deal with. See you around.Obviously you and I are not working out”—— sounds like a break up to me! KC keep focusing on yourself!
Julie- sorry to hear of your situtation, but you will need to realize that he can feed you all the lines until you become his mistress- he has made his choice and sadly it was not you- it is for the best anyway- because he would find someone else to tell those lines too once you two get married- he will find someone else to fall back on if things are not working out in the real world. Sorry to hear he was your first love- that is the worse part. If he loved you enough he would of not let this relationship drag on this long and he would of let you go if he really cared for you. I too am in no room to give advice about relationships…..
but one thing- you have to love yourself before someone can love you. You will find the love you deserve if you put him behind you and move on. No need to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It is the worse when the one who makes you cry is the one who is suppose to love you the most. Hope everything works out for you both. GN. Lynn-
I had a friendship where the emotions crossed over into very strong romantic feelings, but I’m married. I came out about it to my husband and to the friend b/c I was afraid of what might happen. Everyone forgives me, etc., and the friend is still a friend. But it’s really painful to see him. I don’t want him and I don’t want to lose my marriage, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed with grief over what I imagined could have been. And the friendship is very strained now, which adds to the pain. Sometimes he completely ignores me, which makes me think about him more.
I just want to get past it so I don’t completely lose the friendship and so I don’t jeapardize my marriage by thinking about what could have been with someone else.
It’s been over a year since the whole thing started. I have to see him almost every day, and whenever I see him it feels like the wound it completely ripped open again. How can I really get over this?
Bonny,
In my relationship, when it became unbalanced, & soon unhealthy, my body took over. For the 1st time in 8 years, I started flirting with a very dear frined. I was confused, I’m not the cheating type. Thank God I didn’t act on my body’s desires & had such an amazing friend, who pointed out my body is trying to tell me I need to change or move on from this unhealthy relationship. Maybe take a look at why your emotions changed to romantic. Are you fullfilled in your marriage? Maybe focus on you & your happienss in life & that will help you get over your friend. I don’t know if this helps, no expert on men – OBVIOUSLY. Good luck with this. I truly believe time heals all wounds.
Broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. I can’t seem to get a handle on why I did it. I’d like to be alone and do my own thing. We had space issues when we were together, she was too clingy, didn’t do what she said she’d do as far as money and work and thing of that nature. We broke up 2 months ago and are good friends, and we’ve both changed a lot. She was waiting for me and because I keep changing my mind of whether or not i’d like to maybe be with her some day, she is now hanging out with other guys, and it REALLY hurts. I want to be back with her, but I don’t. We have both changed A LOT and the original problems of whyw e broke up aren’t even there. I still am clinging to being alone. I want to be able to do what I want when I want, move where I want, see who I watn, etc, but I still love her and I can’t even really give her a reason of why i don’t want to be with her besides the one listed. I want to be back with her, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m 23…it’s also my first serious relationship as well. Every time I hug her and see her I want her back, and now she’s hanging out with other dudes trying to get over me a little bit…it hurts, a lot. I don’t know what I should do. We’re amazing together, why don’t I want to be with her?
what do i do if this is the second time my girl and i have been together with a 9 month break up in between the two. this time was great but she messed up and messed up a bit more by taking advantage of her feelings. we mutually broke up last wednsday and we talked yesterday cause i want her back. she is 50/50 but afraid of hurting again. fact of the matter she was so stupid drunk saturday that she kissed a guy but regrets it horribly. is this excusable and can we move past this???
John, i’ll give you my point of view if you give me a guys insight to my situation (see above #45)
I spent my 20’s in a long term relationship & I regret it. your 20’s are suppose to be about finding yourself & finding what qualitites you want in a woman. That is your instinct telling you what you NEED. It is human nature to want what you can’t have. That is why you want her back when you see her with other guys. It’s more like an animal reaction, then how your heart feels about her. (just my opinion, far from an expert 
) Maybe you will go have fun, find yourself, & then be a better person to be with her down the road. & vise versa, I’m sure she is as young as you are. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, right? I know, heartache sucks. hope this helps a little.
Hey kc. I’ll jump in to your question because you’ve tried to help others out here
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To me the ultimate question you’re asking is how to reduce his anger?
Unless it’s a type of health/medical problem, just about all types of aggression are related to misdirected goals. This is so powerful that when I found out about this, I got really excited.
Anger and other types of aggression will usually build up because of frustration or resentment. Think about it. Frustration and resentment makes us aggressive or passive-aggressive.
Tieing this in with the information you shared about his work, it’s likely caused by his lack of work. Guys have an inherent need to provide and protect (think of the animal world). When that can’t be achieved, frustration is created which is released in aggression.
I’ll write an article about keeping a magnetic poise soon, but who knows when that will happen. It could be within 2 weeks or 2 months.
kc–thanks for your response to my problem. more on that later. about your situation … i’m wondering, what is it that makes your man the man of your dreams? i mean, what makes you put up with verbal abuse and not working? also, is there some part of you that doesn’t want to give up something you’ve put 9 years into? i know that’s a big thing for me. i’m 32 and i’m finding out that a lot of decisions i made in my early 20’s have determined the path my life is going to take, and i’m not so sure they were the best decisions. it sounds like you know you should end this, but then you have to deal with asking yourself what you’ve been doing for the last nine years. that’s a long time. however, it helps me to think from the perspective of ten more years down the road. when i’m 40, will i look back and say, “wow i was so young at 31, i should have made some changes then while i still could. now i’ve been in this relationship for almost 20 years and my man has not changed. i can’t leave now, even though i know i should have ten years ago because i’m 40 and i’ve invested 20 years of my life into him.”
i think the answer you get from your future 40 year old self will tell you a lot.
i also need a guy’s perspective on this. (see # 51) the friend i had feelings toward is still a friend, but i don’t understand what’s going on. one week he’s super nice– wants to talk, brings me food, drives me places, invites me out with friends, emails me, etc. then the next week he’s completely MIA, doesn’t respond to emails, etc. after i came out about the feelings, etc. and basically got over it, he said he was fine still being friends if my husband was fine with it, which he was and is. but he’s just weird and unpredictable now. maybe i’m just not that much fun now that i’m no longer all puppy dog eyes over him and giving him tons of attention? i can almost hear the resounding “duh” but i’m still not sure if that’s it. i guess the other thing i would wonder is if he is now having feelings “crossing the line” and is keeping his distance b/c i’ve made it clear i’m just a friend. i am clueless. he’s been one of my best friends and i don’t want to lose the friendship, but i can’t figure out what’s going on. any ideas?
i have been in love with my ex-husband for almost thrity years and we have been divorced for almost four years, I did divorced him but it wasnt because I didnt Love him but for other reasons. I took him for granted for so many years, I moved to Onther state to get some experience for my job and we were dating when i left or at least I thought we were. But about 3-4 months ago, I found out that my ex- was seeing some other women, and I cant get past this, He said he was lonely and they had work relation and could communticate but He said he got tired of hurting, I came home to see our kids and talk but he was so cold and hurtful, He said that he loved me but doesnt know if we could be a couple, which really hurts and I hurt everyday knowing that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, I told him that I thought we were planning on being together after my year was over but I was the only one thinking it, I told him how i felt about him, but he is not backing down, He said to give him time to work on his issues, I dont know if that means he is really working on issues or keeping me at bay if this relationship doesnt work out, I cant move past this, I want my best-freind my ex-husband and boyfreind back, I dont know how to move past this. I know I made some terrible mistakes but I want him back and i dont know how to do this,
Thanks Bonny & Joshua. Great advice. It’s crazy how you can’t see the trees from the forrest. When your in the misdst of the emotional turmoil, you just can’t see what’s so obvious to everyone else. This website helps. thanks again
It’s been 2 days short of one month since I last saw my ex boyfriend. Not an 1/2 hour goes by that I haven’t thought of him. (This is better then the first week, which was straight out hell.) I’m very confused by the breakup not only because it was so abrupt, but because of the things that I tolerated while in it with him in order to feel the love I felt from him. We spent so much of our time together. It feels like a death. What did I look past? He was a recovering alcoholic. His early 20’s were a series of bad choices. He had a criminal record from that time, that still is following him. And, he (although 30) had a female ‘friend’ in her 50’s that called him 3-4 times a day and as soon as i’d go out of town, yep.. he’d tell me that they were at the movies or dinner.. etc. The problem I had with her was that for over 3 years they were once sleeping together.
He could justify anything. So now, I’m mourning the loss of a best friend, a boyfriend, a future with him, and at the same time trying to understand how I just fell for something that was clearly unstable. Can anyone relate? Any advice or ‘pick-me-ups’ would be appreciated!
Bella–i have struggled a lot with getting over someone. It helps me sometimes to think what i would say to another woman if she were in my place. If you imagine one of your girlfriends in a relationship with someone who was a recovering alcoholic, criminal record, with the female ‘friend’ situation, apparently lying about the female friend, what would you have said to her? I find it easier to get some objectivity on myself when I try to look at things that way — as if I were giving advice to someone else. When I finally realized I had to break the emotional affair I was having with my friend (see #51, #58 for more on that) it was just like a death. I didn’t realize until later that I actually went through the stages of mourning that you do when someone dies (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). You can read about it on Wikipedia. Put in “stages of grief.” It took me a little over a year to get through those stages, and now I’m at a point where I go back and forth between acceptance and depression. It’s much harder when the person is still around (I see him every day and we are still friends). I actually found myself comforted by writings, songs, poetry about death b/c I had to think of him as dead to get over it (favorite poem is “Funeral Blues” by WH Auden–also on Wikipedia). Now it’s like he’s a different person. Maybe somehow the ghost of who he was. It’s like seeing someone who looks like the person who died. I know that’s kind of weird, but I hope it’s helpful. There were many times in getting over him I thought I would die from heartbreak. I literally thought I would die, and sometimes wanted to. I talk about it with a few good girlfriends that I know I can say anything to, I spend a lot of time praying, reading the Bible, listening to sermons about God’s faithfulness through difficulties, etc. I am not totally over it (see #51) but I am so much better. And I never thought I’d be OK again, but most of the time, I am. Its a very long and painful process. But if you try to avoid it, it just gets longer and more painful. I wish you the best. Bonny
Bonny- Thank you for the response. Indeed, it does feel like a death. In fact, when he left and said that ‘I (me) couldn’t handle being friends’ I said, ’so that’s it.. you’ll walk out of here as if you died?’ And so it is. He is gone and I am grieving a living human being. In fact I truly thought that I was moving into the acceptance phase and jumping over the depression phase, until tonight when a good friend said that I always looked tired and worn. I don’t thik of him as much as of late.. but I suppose my emotions are more than a little out of sync. I think that you would be in a very hard spot to continue to be friends with someone you still have feelings for. If you indeed can let go of the romantic feelings then a friendship could work. Maybe it is best to totally cut ties.. but to me it seems in-human- and I understand your feelings. I would imagine that your friend seems like a different person, because he is to you. He can no longer be the ‘hopeful’ future. (If that makes sense). I’m trying to just move through this process. I’m not trying to date or do anything really other than taking care of myself. I honestly don’t care when other people tell me to ‘move on’… it’s been one month since this happened. He’s moved on.. I heard within a week he was back dating again. I just can’t do that. I actually had feelings for this man. What a joke I feel like .
hello, im having a very hard time with my ex husband. for seven months we were seoerated and he would only call me blocked for a late night booty call. i finally had enough of it so i moved 3000 miles away. i made a dumb move by giving him my number, but he started harrassing me about past due bills, so i changed my number so the only way he contact me is thru email and he made up this stuff where i was using his family’s info to try to get loans and a car. i made a police report so if ever does fly back at me i have proof. i have been here for three weeks and the first two weeks were great he called me a couple times a day to tell me how much he loved me and missed me and all the suddden he turned me on me.then i changed my phone number so he’s even more upset. does he really love me and miss me or does he love to control me?
my ex and i broke up about a month ago after 3.5 yrs together. i could hardly accept it even up to dis very day because i tot we were stable and happy wid each other. he jus snapped and told me he doesn’t love me anymore..which hurts like hell.. but he wanted us to remain as frens. i still can’t get over him so i still call him every day and he told me dat now he’s in love wid another girl. they started flirting wid each other on the day we broke up. i truly believe dat the whole flirting thing might haf started b4 we broke up. but he denied it again & again. why does he haf to lie? i feel so cheated.
It’s been almost two months since my break up with my boyfriend of almost five years. He broke up with me. I have somewhat moved on and have been dating other guys. Getting physical is not hard but when I did I still feel like something is missing.
How long does it take to just let go of your ex? We live in two separate cities and I thought it would make it easier but it doesn’t feel easier. I don’t want this awful feeling to get in the way of me being happy with someone else.
My fiance ended our relationship after i found him with a girl in his house, depsite the hurt i would like us to remain friends, he has not called me ever since its two weeks now do you think i should call him?
I’m 23 years old and have been with the same person for the last 2 and a half years. This is my first “real” relationship, as in out of high school. My boyfriend is 36 and has “been there and done that”. Neither of us is interested in marriage or having kids, but I can tell he’s in a place in his life where he’s ready to be more settled- buy a house, stop going out as much, etc… I’m just not ready for any of that. We have routines we go by, like going out to eat every Saturday or grocery shopping on Thursdays, and I want to break free and do those types of things on my own, I know it seems stupid and silly but for me it’s an independence thing. For him, he will end up lonley. I feel like I dove into this relationship head first because I liked him a lot and was very infatuated with him and also flattered that an older man was interested in me. When we first met he had friends, but now he doesnt talk to anyone besides me. I try to encourage him to hang out with the few ppl he didn’t cut out of his life, but he always has an excuse. Ive told him it puts a lot of pressure on me when he makes me the only person in his life he’s close with and talks to. It’s been almost a year since I started telling him this and to this day he refuses to establish close relationships with anyone besides me or his family, who live in different states.
We are in a lease together for about 10 more months. I feel stupid for even moving in with him because I knew going into it, I would regret it. He makes me feel bad for bringing friends over, and I’m the only one who has friends over because he has no friends! The reason we moved in together is it made sense financially and because we were always at each other’s houses anyway. Before we moved in I told him I wasnt sure how it would go or if I would want to do it again after the lease, and that I would rather not discuss plans to move in together and just re visit it when the lease is almost over. He seemed really understanding about the whole thing, but now he’s starting to talk about buying a house together!! WHAT?
I want out, but I want to wait till the lease is up. I know it will just make it more painful, so in the mean time I’m just kind of going through the motions of the relationship. I can’t decide which is worse- keeping my true feelings a secret in hopes of these next 10 months being easier than if we broke up now, or being honest and breaking up now and then having it be tense in my own home for 10 more months. I know I should never have moved in with him in the first place, and I’ve learned my lesson that I’m just not ready for a relationship and all the work and compromise that comes with it. I wish I had realized this 2-3 months ago. I guess the idea of something is totally different than actually living it.
Reading these posts is actually helping me realize I’m not alone in these swarm of emotions. My GF and I of 11ys broke up about 5 months ago. It was mutual and we split pretty cleanly. She was 18 and I was 21 when we met. Fell in love, moved in together after almost a year of dating. Things started off great but the physical side of out relationship lacked…I need to feel wanted in that way to feel secure and she really isn’t the physical type. So I pushed, she felt guilty. I held it against her instead of accepting her for who she was. Yrs passed, fights got bigger but we still loved each other and we kept trying and trying. Never finding a solution, I eventually retreated from our relationship mentally feeling that if she couldn’t give me what I needed to feel secure then I wasn’t going to give as well. Needless to say it destroyed everything we had. Now 5 months down the road I realize that everything I thought I needed and wanted wasn’t actually what I wanted or needed. I need her. I can’t sleep, eat, and function at work cos I’m constantly thinking about her and the evil things I did to make this relationship fall apart. I’ve talked to friends and they all agree that having a physical side in a relationship is almost as important as having an emotional connection and they all said that nothing lasts forever and I need to move on. In the last month I’ve tried talking to other girls but find my self feeling guilty as if I’m cheating on her.
We still talk, have dinner, and I help her cut the grass at her new place and I’ve gone through the whole ” I’ll change, please give me another chance!” but I’ve only found that its pushing her farther away. I love her to death and can’t imagine myself with anyone else. She says there is no one she is seeing and I really really want to believe her but knowing how many guys are out there and how they work to get what they want…I just don’t want to imagine it actually. I’m lost, extremely depressed and my only true love cant take it anymore. She’s so exhausted for having to pull me out of my “dark” times and I’ve even tried counseling to help me cope with it all…it only made things worse on my end. I’m about to move into a new place and live alone for the first time ever, hoping to try to find myself again. I know I need to do this for myself most of all but I can’t go into it thinking I’m not doing this for her as well…even after she said she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore I want to keep trying to get her back. But the only way I can is to fix my own problems first. I’m 33 now and spending a third of my life with someone and then suddenly not having that person in my life the way she was is a living hell. I’m still young, an artist, and not bad looking. I get smiles from girls all the time and have had several that seemed interested in the last month or so, but again I cant get past my ex. I love her so much but my problems are standing in the way. I really hope moving into a place by myself will help. And yeah the whole tossing out everything that reminds you of her… well in my case it is not practical. Everything I own I got with her or from her. I’d have nothing, And honestly I don’t want to get rid of them or her. She says she doesn’t want to get back together right now and I have to respect that but its so hard. Time hasn’t helped so far and I know that a few months doesn’t compare to 11 years but I need advice or help. I’m seriously going to try the things I’ve found here on this site to help me in all aspects of my life.
And once i get some of this emotional turmoil out of my system, I plan to hit the gym, go camping and hiking, basically anything to wear myself out and keep my head clear.
Hi,
Last night my g/f of 3 years and I split.
I am gutted as I thought we were too strong to split. We lived together for 14 months and I left in February. I said I wanted us to work at us and for a while things were good but last few weeks not so good. I was having mood swings and realise now how much I ground her down.
She was always busy and I never have felt that we really worked at things which we both resolved to do so it’s hard accepting its over.
She says that she wants to be friends and carry on meeting regularly to enjoy our friendship. I love her still and I think she loves me (told me so 2 weeks back then last night said she was confused and emotional!). She has clearly closed her heart up though said that a small part of her likes the romantic notion that if you’re meant to be then you’ll find eachother again!
Life sucks right now!
Wow after reading all of these comments its nice to know that I am not flying solo, and that other are going through similar problems. It’s been almost 2 months since me and my ex parted ways. I would have to say that I am honestly not 100% over her yet. We dated for close to 2 1/2 years and broke up for a variety of reasons after graduating from college I spent 10 months looking for a job. Now I am from a rather small town, and i don’t drive so finding work in that area proved to simply be impossible. During that time I struggling with being depressed, drinking, and lashing out. I know there were stretches during that period where i acted like a total ass, and I wish I could have handled things better. Unfortunately she didn’t seem interested in helping, and seem to grow more, and more distant. Though to be fair I am not sure if their was much she could have done. Anyway I finally landed a job and figured that this would be where we turn the corner. She would be closer to where she works, and I would be in an area that had access to public transportation.
well it didn’t quite work out that way she ended up getting an apartment where we were staying, and then informed me several weeks later that she wanted to transfer up their as well. Well things pretty much ended after that, and for me all I can equate it to is a kick in the nuts, and it still hurts!, though not as bad. Well thanks for letting me vent a little, I would have to say that all in all I am doing pretty well, and that the good days outnumber the bad. Also I wish everyone else the best of luck.
It’s been a month or so after my ex dumped me from a one in a half year relationship the reason was it juz wasnt working, it hurts soo bad and still is…. he said he wants us to be friends…. but then there’s this event that was being held in another campus, a big tournament, he sort of hook up with this chick and it hurts sooo bad seeing he has moved on while I’m still stuck with him on my mind, I’ve been trying to do everything I can to not think about it but ended up not being able to sleep for the past few days after I found out about it, I really need help… I told everything to my mom and my best friend, cried to my mom and now she’s mad at me because she thinks I’m weak, seems everything is against me right now, I just really don’t know what to do anymore, I’m desperate to move on and get over with, when will this hurt ends?
Somehow my mixed feeling of frustration and rejection were lifted away by the end of the article and comments. I remembered that I learned after my last break up that life goes on and that I have gone through a much worse break up with someone I thought was the one and guess what…..I survived and I went on to a have another relationship.
I broke up with the love of my life after a 4 year relationship and after choosing to be single for 1 1/2 years I learned to date to date not solely to find a mate. I dated all types of people and it was exciting and I ate great food did exciting things. It got a little lonely some nights, but by the next day, between work, family, friends, and dates I was happy and proud that I had my own life and didn’t depend on one person for fulfilment and companionship. I could see how tempting it is for men not to give up the single life.
Eventually, my sister introduced my to my next relationship which lasted almost two years and just ended when my boyfriend decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. The twist is he decided it months ago, but thought “it would change”. He started distancing himself I guess thinking I’d realize, but I figured he just needed space like all guys so I gave it to him and did other things with my time. But he intensified the distancing which caused me to complain but I didn’t nag I just said it and then if he didn’t change…I adjusted…I am laughing cause I realize how clueless I was at 29 years old and how childish he was at 31 years old and not just saying it’s over.
But to make a long story short he finally got the courage to say he wanted out and even though by that time I’d decided that if things didn’t change by our 2nd anniversary I was out, it still frustrated me cause I felt like he wasted time (5 months-1yr) of my time trying to through hints. Almost instinctively I tried to save the relationship, because of the time I invested, but that didn’t happen. But again this site just cured me and I am looking forward to meeting new and exciting people.
I hope many people here find it within themselves to love themselves enough to see the brighter side and make it through these tough times.
my boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago..we had a long distance realtionship..but it was going great..what we had was real special..and we even made other couples jelous …he was supposed to be home at this summer..we both were eagerly waiting for the summer to come and just 4 weeks before his arrival he suddenly changed and when i forced him to say what was wrong with him he told me that he got confused and bla bla bla and he broke up..now he is home ..and we are hanging around a lot..this guy really cares for me..and i really really love him and want him so bad..i asked him about his feelings and his answer was like he does not trust himself anymore..and he is really sorry for the pain he caused me and he wants me to move on and bla bla bla..we have always been the best friends and still r good friends..but it seems impossible for me to forget him..and i am really out of control..i dont sleep i cant eat..i am completely depressed…most of the nights i cry myself to sleep..please help me with the situation..should i keep any contact with him or what should i do?
Tina
I truely understand how you feel. You wrote that he really cares for you, but you really really love him. This does not seem even and the fact that he is telling you to move on makes it even more clear. Take it from someone who just wasted 2 years of her best years dealing with a confused man, you can never get this time back. It is going to hurt like heck. And I don’t care what all these sites say about don’t call. That is just no realistic, when the only way you can eat is to hear his voice, even if it is telling you what you don’t want to hear.
You asked what should you do? You should eat first, you will get more strength and energy. When I broke up, I lost 8lbs in 6 days. I got to the point where I had to force food down while drinking water. If you can’t eat make sure you drink a lot of liquid like water. Next, if he is excepting your calls, call. I know the rule is don’t, but my experience has been it makes me feel better when I call, that is if he answers and talks. Try to talk about anything except the relationship, if you feel better for that day then good. Keep doing it until you feel better without calling for one day. Make sure you eat and start doing your normal daily routines and socializing. Eventually you should be strong enough that you will want to leave the situation with him alone because it is causing sadness in an otherwise happy life.
Be careful though because he may sense this and try to reconcile, whatever you do realize, his confusion doesn’t cure it self. Don’t get pulled back in.
dear Truety
thank u very much for your reply..never thought someone out there would try to help me out with the situation..it means a lot to me..thanx…u said there would be a point where i should be strong enough that i will want to leave the situation with him alone because it is causing sadness in an otherwise happy life.it seemed impossible for me to get over him if we still were in touch..so i told him i needed a break..i really need it..because i can not cope up with the pain anymore..its killing me…so i have decided that i wont see him again or talk to him…lets see if i can eat without hearing his voice..without seeing his face…come on i need to move on right?he really wants me to stay as his best friend because i am the closest person to my ex(as he says)..but i dont wanna do that..infact i cant do that..u are right..he cares for me but does not love me..its clear ..i need to move on..and the only way i can do it is to leave him completely….even after the break up i have been an emotional support for him…if he cant be the same..then seriously i am wasting my time..and having him around would never let me lead my normal life..i am better off without him..
thanks again truety..knowing the fact that theres somone who can understand the way i feel makes me realize that i am not alone..other people also go through these things.
Where to start? Sorry, this will be long! It’s been about three months .. but just this past week got an email, out of nowhere -as I was NOT trying to contact my ex-, in which he said he needed to stop talking and that he was engaged. As if he hadn’t broken up my heart before, this last email hurt like hell.
We meet like 8 years ago, I went to the US in an exchange program (I’m from MX). We started a relationship that had to end because we were young and decided to end it. Then life gave us the chance to live in the same city, as I got a job in the US. We spent 3 years in a great relationship, then it was time to make a choice again, and we decided to pursue graduate studies in different places. Back in my country I realized what I big mistake it was, and tried to get him back. He said no. I noticed a lot of resentments. He was angry about things that bothered him, but he never told me about them (sex issues included). I wanted him to get over that and show him that I was willing to work things out. It was painful, but it was my decision to give it try. I felt really bad for letting him go, and tried to do everything in my power to get him back and make him happy. The whole process was a big confusion. Sometimes I had to stop talking to him, he was just too mean, but then he’ll call and say I’m sorry. Eventually it was just too much for me and still in my country, started dating other guys, and that’s when I got a phone call, he asked me to wait a little, until he finished his studies, that he hadn’t been able to forget me. I was full of hope, and did wait. After few months we got back together, started a long distance relationship with the purpose of getting married. Thought all those tears had a reason and that things were going to be ok now. But I lied to myself. He turned into a bitter person, he warned me all the time about his selfishness. Again, thought I could help, and tried to be as caring as possible, visited him as often as I could, called, did whatever … things weren’t great, but planning a future together, and my idea of getting back to those beautiful years in the same city, kept me going.
In March I went visit, we had a nice conversation about our future, about the type of wedding we wanted, about where to live and all those things. We were about to finish our programs, and in the summer we were going to tell our families.
Few weeks later, he started acting all confused again … it broke my heart. How did he jump from wanting to marry me to just not knowing? The obvious, I asked if there was someone else, he said, I like a lot of girls … then I asked if he had cheated on me, and he said yes, he had right after we went back together (in sept), and he was about to cheat on me again, or I guess he had just cheated on me again, he didn’t say.
I broke up with him. Then tried to talk, but he refused. I gave up at trying to contact him after few days, and he emailed me saying he felt guilty. I didn’t reply. He sent another email asking if I had gotten his email, and I answered back asking if he wanted to talk. At the time I was in US for few days, and seemed like the perfect opportunity, but he stepped back and said he didn’t have time. I wrote a long letter, telling him how lost I felt, as I didn’t know why he contacted me. He replied, saying that he didn’t know what to say, two weeks later sent another email saying that he was going to call me soon. Then this past week, he just said that he is engaged.
There are lots of unanswered questions; I try to find explanations on what happened during these months. Is he really engaged? Is she pregnant? What is it that makes him so angry? Why sending me all those emails if he doesn’t want to contact me? and why would he throw that “I’m engaged” knowing that I was going to be hurt?. In any case, what is obvious is that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It is clear now, but unbelievably painful.
I am kind of embarrassed to say this but… my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 6 1/2 years ago and I still have not totally gotten over it. Of course I’ve gone on with my life, but at times I’m down about it. I let him go thinking that if our connection was ever real that he would come back in his own time, but was wrong. I haven’t talked with him in 5 years but found out that he got married almost 3 years ago. I can’t believe that occassionally maybe once a year I actually cry over this for a couple of days. I would seek professional help but have no insurance. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and I have declined marriage and don’t have any children because of the commitment.
My ex has gone on with his life. I don’t understand why I cannot get over these sad feelings. Relationships end for everyone. I’m no different, but why isn’t this going away?
So, my ex and I broke up in April. Well, kinda. He broke up with me right before Christmas and then when I got back after New Year’s, he told me he missed me and still wanted to be together but not as “serious.” I was happy to have him back in my life and thrived on his renewed attention and affection. When Valentine’s came around, I got him a gift that said “boyfriend” on it and he totally freaked out. Said I told you we were not getting serious again. I was so confused because we had been spending almost every night together. I said I couldn’t do this whole in between thing and subsequently found myself a new beau. Well, I still was not over the ex and started to see him regularly. I had been planning a trip this summer all along and wanted clarity of where we were, what the possibilities were so that I knew where I stood. He was relunctant to give me hope for the future and said things like “I am letting fate and destiny take their course” and all that stuff. Well, I went. I have been away from him for 3 months now. I was doing fine, meeting new people, loving life and now all of the sudden I am falling back into a trap. I am checking his stupid myspace page, thinking about what if this and what if that. I am in a new city with new friends but i am clinging to this emotional pit that has occupied my heart for so long. I want to finally “get over” this but I feel like I just can’t. I loved this guy and was totally infatuated with him. Its over and I know it but I wish I could actually ACT like its over. We haven’t spoken for a while. I keep thinking I should tell him I miss him but I KNOW that’s wrong for me!!!! HELP! What is my deal!?!?!?!?
i’m so sad! I met my girlfriend who was 7 years older than me, i was 20 at the time, and she was 27. it was my first lesbian relationship, and it was pretty exciting. i met her at the begining of last july and then i went 4 hours away to school, we kept in tight touch and it was amazing planing trips and seeing eachother when we could. This may i graduated from school and moved home, how could i thought, seeing her all the time! She said i was feeling distant, and i guess i was, bc i was cheating on her, i felt like i needed to get dating a man out of my system. so she noticed i was distant. we broke up (she came crawling back ) so we said we should see other people and still see eachother, to see if i am ready to be with her or something like that. i broke it up with him (it wasn’t working) and i was ready to committ myself to her forever! we spent all our time together and it seemed like we were still exclusive so she asked me last friday if i was seeing other people and i lied and said i haven’t been, (i mean we broke up and it was long distance ) and she said she had! and i freaked out, this person who said she was sooo in love with me! seeing other people. she said i guess we can’t date other people and still date eachother because you’ll freak out, (and i did) so she broke up with me on monday (well all weekend) and i wanted to scream, I DID DATE OTHER PEOPLE. IT WAS STUPID, NO ONE COMPARES TO YOU! but then i would have to admitt i cheated. but i’m so ready for her love, i told her, but now she isn’t sure. IT MAKES ME SO UPSET. she is cutting off all contact, and wont’ answer my phonecalls, deleted me from myspace, and all of our pictures. and i feel like i have no friends to turn too, because in the year i managed to ditch them all for my relationship. i never kept in touch with anyone from home, so now i live back at home, and i feel so alone, and i can’t tell my dad because i don’t want him to know, but i’m just sad all the time, and i have to put on this mask like i’m fine, bc i’m NOT telling him i’m out of the closet, i mean what’s the point, i’m not seeing anyone now. she said we needed time, and we can talk in a week. i’m afraid that she’s just going to confirm the breakup even more and i can’t handle it. i need her in my life! half of my life is gone. we spent SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER….we talked about marriage and kids and having a life together. and all of the sudden within a month she can date someone else????? all of the sudden she can throw away our relationship like that? no time to grieve? i feel like we are ment to be together, and i was so lucky to find my true love at such a yong age. i want to call her all the time, and explain and tell her this is a big mistake and we can work it out, but. she said she tried to give me all the love she thought i needed but that wasn’t enough!. and now she thinks i care now because i’m afraid to lose her. and i’m scared to death to lose her. but i faded out of love with her for a little bit, but i’m back! and apparently just in time for her to dump me. how ironic. now i can’t sleep or eat and i have all the time in the world to cry b/c my job doesn’t start until monday and i have no friends. and she made me gay! i was happy to be in denial. i guess she kept me lingering on, while she found someone else. i want to call her, text her, drive by her house , i love her so much. it’s not fair… i’ll never get over it. i’m not going to go discover myself or some shit she told me to do, she said she wants to find me later in life! after more experiences, i think she rather me fuck around. I DON’T WANT TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE. THAT’S WHY I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. maybe i’m more mature then her, i know what i want forever, and she’s afraid. or she just doesn’t want to be with me and i’m in serious denial. which is worse, because now i think if i wait she’ll come back, realize she’s wrong about us. i can change, i can be more available. i’m so sorry i cheated, i really needed to see if i still liked guys, and i’m not sure if i do. and it’s not like that mattered, because..i’m in love with her and it shouldn’t matter if i’m bisexual. god i want to call her.
I am 24 years old. My boyfriend of almost ten years just broke up with me 2 days ago. I know, we were together for a very long time considering my age! Something I used to be proud of. Obviously I am more devastated than words can explain. He said it really was not me, and that it was because he had been in a relationship for so long and needed opportunity to be independent and know himself. I know that is all true and not just an excuse. I also know we will not be getting back together. I am just so sad. EVERYTHING reminds me of him and he was so much more than a boyfriend! I do not know how to start moving on. I realize I will feel sad for a while, but I cannot stand it! I also know I cannot change his decision but instead must focus on changing myself so I am able to accept and move on.
I am just finishing my Master’s and am starting a real job for the first time ever in a few weeks. However, I cannot be happy and am upset that I am so upset that I cannot enjoy this time. I made him my entire life. Even buying things like laundry detergent I would think, “oh, he will like how this smells.” Or,”He will like this shirt.” I cannot live a second without thinking about him. At the same time I think it has been a lot of infatuation and attachment. I actually know I deserve better. He is a great person, but not necessrily in this relationship. I also think I am so upset because I have no control over any of this. It’s over and I cannot stop it! My sadness is increased by the fact that he is not AS upset as me. I know I have a lot going for me and that it simply takes time. I know I have many attributes to be confident about but that is runied because I have based ALL my confidence being with him half my life.
I want to be over him now. But because he consumed my life for so many years I am terrified that I will be one of those people alone and not over a break up in 5 years. How do I avoid this and how do I stop crying???? Despite my dependence on him and how long we were together, can I speed up this process????
A guy that I have been dating for awhile has told me recently that he wanted to take a breather from us dating. I knew clearly what he meant, that he did not want to continue to see me. It has been hard for me to accept and has clearly broken my hart. Now and then I speak to him on the phone or communicate by email which I know only puts be in a place of not getting over him. I found myself right back where I started hard to sleep, eat and to think clearly. My friends tell me that I will get over him and that time will make it clearer. I’m work on clearing my head!
I have reached the reality that yet another relationship which lasted 2 years/9 months is really over! The final conversation was this afternoon. I love him and I believe that he loves me also. So, the resulting pain is strong. I think we’ve been trying to break up for quite some time now, but weren’t ready to let go. I released him in love.
He got a new job opportunity requiring an unspecified amount of time on the road. If the anxiety about that wasn’t enough, he forced my hand by making some hurtful comments. Neat trick, cause I delivered the final blow letter. I still feel that he broke up with me. After 9 days of silence, I broke the ice because of the unresolve and need for closure. We had a 2 hr conversation. Later that evening (yesterday) I asked him why he was attracted to me to begin with. His answers were all it took. We were arguing and that was all t he excuse we needed.
It needed to happen because we were arguing too much over many significant, common but emotionally toxic issues:
underlying insecurity over his lack of prioritization to finalize his divorce, family blending issues involving our (not yet legal) children, verbal abuse/short temper/cold distance/criticisms/put downs/self-esteem/insensitivity, cultural differences, baggage leftover from previous relationships and0 oppressive views.
Cold and emotional distance were the bottom line for my walking away previously only to come back and try again, but the lack of a divorce on his part was always an underlying crack in the foundation of what we had.
I am in my mid-forties. Breaking up doesn’t feel any less painful that it did when I was in my teens, 20’s, nor 30’s. I just think I’ve had more ‘practice’, therefore, I have somewhat of a handle on my emotions.
The main fear is that at this stage in my life, I thought I may have settled by now. Not one relationship I’ve been in lasted the ‘fantasy lifetime’.
I will not lose all hope. I am afraid, but I have to keep moving forward. I aspire one day to be in love again. I felt that I was a good for this guy and there was still much I learned about myself. I have my support system of girlfriends and my work…but still…Damn!
Wow K! I too have experienced a relationship very similar to your own. My two year relationship ended finally after much back and forth.
In the beginning he was a kind and amazing man. Nine months into the relationship I agreed to move myself and my daughter in with him and sell my home. Very shortly after that he demeanor changed into a cold and repressed person who expected his demands be met always, while putting forth any effort.
Control became an issue that bled into how I raise my child, (he intimidates his into submission)how I should be like my mother (neat-freak), how he feels uncomfortable in his own home (when he made me cry), and how I should lose weight (I weight 115 pounds)and should eat jello to help with that.
I did move out but continued a relationship with him because I really did love the part of him that can be pleasant.
All of the sudden he started putting up great amounts of distance, to the point of being impossible to notice, such as not calling when he said he would, pulling out during sex when he previously did not, and having little interaction with me when I would visit, just watch tv.
When I asked what the distance was about, I got the standard–It’s not you, it’s me. When asked he didn’t know if he loved me or not. He did, but not like he did when we lived together. When asked if he wanted me around, he said that he didn’t know. Sometimes he did, and sometimes he didn’t. I could no longer continue this treatment and left. The problem is that I see him near work CONSTANTLY as he works close by, and it is still very painful.
somebody plz help me get through this, i was with my ex for 2 yrs, we had very good moments we went on a cruise like 1 mont ago, me and her been broken up for 2 weeks already and i know most of the problems were my fault she was my first love/first gf, so all the love and new feelings in my heart were all new so sometimes when we had problems i would leave to aviod arguing and she would cry, then i guess she got tired and after multiple breakups we finally ended it but like they say u never know what u have until u lose it, this is my case and i see her as the girl that got away, in these last 2 weeks i have done unimaginable stuff to win her back since i now is the time when i love her unconditionally. i want her back no matter what, i feel like my heart is empty, like if every minute somebody is stabbing my heart and i cant do anything about it i just gotta let time pass by, she hinted as like she was ready to move on and meet other people, somebody please tell me whats best to do, should i keep fighting for her even though she doesnt have anything for me left in her heart, should i keep in touch with her,??????? i need serious help it hurts alot, alot.. like no other pain i have ever felt before. thanks in advance to the helper
Luis,
You are in the stages of a breakup.
Exercise and don’t call her for at least 2 weeks to a month. Prefer a month! No text msgs, emails, phone, nor anything!
Hang out with your friends. Keep your self busy. I know this is difficult, but do it. It doesn’t always work, but chances are, she will come around. This pain WILL subside.
To Been There…I give the same advice as Luis.
However, in the future, and when deciding to move in with a man, hold on to your property. You always want to have somewhere to come back to if a new relationship doesn’t work out.
In many cases these people will attempt to come back.
In time, we may wonder why we liked these people so much…
Hi Luis
I’m going through the same situation, really lonely at the moment and don’t have many friends, all I can say is we will get through this…life has a funny way of flipping a switch and turning things around.
Hello Luis, all I can say is that in my opinion it is best for you not to call her or anything, no contact whatsoever! I guess that sometimes we have to go thru the bad stuff in order to feel good again, allow yourself time to cry, time to think about it but also make an effort to distract yourself. I myself am getting over an extremely painful breakup 2 months ago, he has a huge problem with cocaine and although I really love him there is just no way I can stand it anymore. He kept clean for more than a year and relapsed in a huge way around 3 months before, and I did not know about it. We didn’t actually break up but his behavior became so erratic and he became such a different person that the last time I saw him he told me very hurtful things that he would have never told me if he was clean..after that day we have not spoken, at first all I would do was cry all day, even at work I could not control myself, no way to describe the overwheling feelings of LOSS and PAIN. But now 2 months later of no contact at all I am starting to accept it and now it is for the best. It does hurt me A LOT that he did not even call me on my birthday. What has helped me is keeping busy and excercising, although at first it was just an effort to get out of bed in the morning.I even stopped buying groceries because going to the market reminded me of all the stuff I bought to cook his favorite meals. This is real hard because I think and feel that we would still be together IF NOT FOR that damn cocaine and that it is the only thing between us, but I just have to find a way to accept that his addiction was stronger than his love for me. but I am finally positive that the sun will shine again no matter how hard things are now. I have days where I am very sad and cry a lot but now I also have days where I am more calm and positive. We can get over this Luis!
Hello everybody…I’m posting here because I’m feeling things that I am unfamiliar with and I just don’t know where to put it. I met a man 8 years my junior 6 months ago. Initially, we dated casually, and before I knew it, we were in love. We didn’t tell each other because we are both cautious people, and frankly had no intention of becoming so attached to one another – but it happened.
I am 36 years old, and before I met this man, I had never met anyone that I would have even considered having children with. I had convinced/resigned myself to/talked myself out of – whatever you want to call it – having any more children at all. I have one 13 year old, and that was not by design. I never wanted kids to start with.
Anyway, so fast forward 6 months, when ‘the where is this going conversation’ takes place and I find myself thinking about things I never thought I wanted, maybe because I thought I could never have them, I don’t know. Well, it turns out that no matter ‘how perfect we are together’ (as he put it) the amount of children he wants and the timeline in which he wants to accomplish this just does not coincide with biological possibility. (He wants 4 or 5 kids beginning in about 5-8 years, putting me at about 42-45)
I wonder if any men can give me insight into this. You see, at 36, I have come to realize that finding someone as compatible with myself (each other really) on all the important levels (sexually, spirituality, communication, how to spend money, career importance, importance of family, honesty, openness, consideration, emotional support, sense of humor, priorities…I could go on) is unbelievably difficult. In my view, finding the ‘perfect person’ (not an implication that the person is perfect, only perfect for each other – flaws and all) or that person that you can actually picture yourself locking elbows with and facing all the uncertainties that life is going to throw at you, is one of life’s biggest uncertainties, and when you find that person, it’s like some kind of miracle or something when you do find it. So basically, you find an amazing person, perhaps the most amazing you’ve ever met, and you make a choice every day to be with each other and face what comes down the pike.
He doesn’t think so? I have a question mark there because he has it in his mind that even though I am the ’strongest, most amazing, most sexy, smartest, perfect mix of assertive and sweet’ woman he’s ever met, my physical inability to give him 4 or 5 children beginning in 5-8 years was the deal breaker for him. Or was it? Should I assume that there are other reasons? Honestly, this relationship was absolutely perfect until we had this conversation. It killed him to call this one the way he did I think. It definitely looked like it. He was a wreck. (When I say perfect, I mean that with eyes wide open to each other’s quirks, flaws, tendencies we still had an amazing connection that both of us allowed to grow and mature each day – by choice and with tremendous effort – we are both super busy people).
Anyway, we tried to kind of ‘put the toothpaste back in the tube’ so to speak. We talked and decided that nobody’s getting married right now, and that maybe this talk was premature, and certainly breaking up over it was, so we would go back to casual. Well, that didn’t work. The thought of me seeing other men, and his seeing other women nearly drove us crazy and that was only one date after this conversation. We are both completely devastated over this. His M.O. is to box it all up and to distance himself, because he’s tremendously hurt that we apparently can’t be together because of (as he puts it) effed-up timeline. I am (very very surprisingly) in the most pain I have ever felt in my life and I know he is too.
*sigh*
So guys, can you give me some insight to this whole ‘compartmentalization’ thing that appears to be going on? Is this some normal guy thing that I don’t know about? Have you all ever broken up with someone you have a deep and unparalleled connection with over something like this? Do you suspect that maybe he just didn’t feel the same way about me, and used this as an excuse to run? I know I’m over-thinking it, but it’s my nature, and I’m really trying to understand it. We are in the same profession, so we are bound to run into each other (we are also both leaders within that profession) and the thought of running into him alone much less when he’s with someone else is killing me. And I know he feels the same way. We can’t even speak to each other right now we are both in so much pain. Or at least that is what I am led to believe, and I really think I know and feel him well enough to say that. (He’s expressed on more than one occasion how nobody has ever known him like this)
I’m definitely feeling a little cuckoo about it….I have honestly never felt like this before….and just a year ago I ended a 6 year relationship that did not cause THIS much pain….
So…any insight you guys have would be greatly welcomed. Even if you think it’s stuff I don’t want to hear. This one is boggling my mind. And I can say with certainty, that both of our hearts are completely broken over this one.
Hello Allie I am not a guy but anyway I wanted to post a reply..I totally understand what you say about that connection, it happened to me too and what a coincidence as I also did not want any children and with my ex I felt that connection so deep that we considered the option. I understand also what you are going thru because it is a situation where you have everything going great but there is that big..BUT..in your case but the childen issue, in my case but the cocaine thing…all I can say is that if even if this is extremely painful for you, it will be even more painful if times goes by, you both pretend that conversation never took place and then in a few months or years it comes up again…because you cant’t deny the fact that IT WILL. It seems to me that he is perfectly clear on his stand on children in his life and once again even if it is really painful you need to evaluate whether you want to be with a person that is not willing to accomodate your stand on this (perhaps one more child or 2, in less time, instead of his original plan). I know that for me it has been very hard to accept that even if I love my ex and find it hard to think I will ever have that deep connection with anyone else, his cocaine dependence is something that I cannot tolerate, not so much because of cocaine per se but that he really does not know how to deal with emotions and finds it easier to numb them that way. Tough, because he was already clean and the relapse was a shock actually it still is but anyway I had to accept that that is how he is and does not want any help. With this guy you may need to acknowledge that his unwillingness to change his plans may reflect other things about him. Once again these are just words, emotionally it can be extremely tough (tell me about it), but the important thing is not to let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, that is not what we should look for in a partner!! Now let’s see what is a man’s point of view…
Monica -
Yes, you are right about needing to acknowledge that his unwillingness to change his plans reflect other things about him. Like he’s a control freak, selfish, demanding, unforgiving – it could be any number of things. Honestly, I’m glad to know about this now, and I just hope, since we are in the same profession, that he doesn’t become bitter in any way, and try to make me out as some kind of psycho or weirdo or anything else that could tarnish my reputation. Ultimately, I know I have to let this one go…it’s just really the first time in my life I’d actually considered maybe settling down with someone, so it’s pretty tough for me.
I’m sorry to hear about your issues with your man, but I have learned that the only kind of person I simply cannot handle is an addict. Recovering or not. There are just far too many control issues and addicts, unfortunately are able to rationalize just about anything at any time, making them very emotionally unstable. That’s really all I need is someone steady that I can count on emotionally, which seems to be harder and harder to find. And addicts in my world have been entirely unable to provide that in any kind of relationship (my brother is an addict – recovering, and I have several ‘fariweather’ friends – also addicts)
I know how tough it is to deal with an addict, so I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
And thanks so much for the words….definitely needed to hear them, and more importantly, ready to hear them.
Just feeling a bit weak. I broke up with an amazing guy. Although he was one of the most incredible men I’ve ever met -kind, self reliant, vulnerable, strong, solid, honest, genuine- I had a hard time communicating feelings with him. He rarely talked about his feelings and after 6 months, I had no idea what I was to him: girlfriend, f-buddy, etc. Everytime I brought it up, he would shut down and not want to talk about it. He said “actions speak louder than words” and although he treated me with respect, he rarely seemed ‘head over heels’ with me. (I had to initiate almost every kiss. He rarely called.) After one of the most perfunctory kisses I ever had as he boarded his plane, I just gave up. I couldn’t stand waiting for him to openly communicate with me when I asked. Now I feel horrible. His shock at my announcement told me that he didn’t see our relationship in the same light. He thought everything was okay. And as usual, he won’t talk to me about it. I wanted to explain why I felt the way I did but he didn’t want to talk anymore. I should just let him have his space, right? I’d love to be his friend, but it’s really his choice now right? I don’t think he sees my side at all, but I needn’t force that on him right? If he really wants to know, he’ll call, right? I’m just not sure if I handled this the right way and I feel like I’ve hurt someone who deserves much better treatment.
Hello everybody here I am again…just had to let this out…this past Sunday I learned something that pretty much totaled me. I was talking to my (male) best friend and he is also very much friends with my ex, I introduced them (I have 2 posts explaining my situation, 89/91)and although I had not even mentioned my ex in this 2.5 months that have passed, I went ahead and asked him…he told me that he has been sober for more than a month.
So I am happy that he is not in the cocaine induced stupor I imagined he was, dont get me wrong I really am happy that he is sober on his own..but this leaves me with this realization that he really did not want to continue with me. I thought that once he was sober we would be back together and this is not the case. Also, my friend told me that about 2 months ago they had this long conversation about me (this friend I mention is like my brother), about how important I was and what a great person I was and they BOTH came to the conclusion that it was best that my ex did not contact me again in an indetermined period of time as all the last times we saw each other i always ended up crying because of the things he told me (that were cocaine induced). Matter of fact this friend once saw me crying and told him that he better not make me cry again.
So now I know this is totally sick but first of all I feel that while I have been wondering like crazy why he did not contact me at all, it is because my friend and him came to that conclusion, for some reason it makes me feel exposed and ridiculed…and well also the fact that he is sober now…and I am even more confused because my friend told me I should contact him to talk to him, that he spends all his time by himself (trying to keep sober I imagine. But i told him there is no way I can talk to him right now as friends because I am still in love with him.
So this has really shakened me up. I know I must be wrong because I should be really happy that he is sober and trying, but I just cannot digest the reality that he has chosen a sober life without me, when we had our next to last conversation and he told me he needed to be alone for a while, I told him that it was just the coke talking and he told me in a very calm manner that no, it was not that, that he really did needed some time to himself.I did not want to listen but know I know it is true…he wants to be alone… I also know that everybody that knows me has breathed a collective sigh of relief that I am not with him anymore (the fact that no one wanted me to marry him must mean something, right?) but that still does not make feel better…what’s worse, my friend told me he very frequently asks him about me, what I am doing, etc. Other times that we broke up in the past I was always the one to look for him but this time around I really feel that I shouldn’t. So no, I wont call or email him…but I feel that all the progress I had done is now nothing…I guess if he really wants something with me he will contact me later…but my confusion continues becuase I know that just because he is sober now does not mean he will continue, besides the fact that he also drinks and while he has a steady job it seems to be going nowhere. I dont know I have all this thoughts that I cant seem to control,my friends are sick of hearing about this and I have made it a point to not even mentioning his name. But all I know is that I will not contact him,no matter how much I am hurting (to say the least) right now. It seems our relationship left such a big HOLE in my life, I am doing new things and trying to rebuild my life but it is very hard.
TARA, as the guy says, actions speak louder than words but we all also need a little certainty especially from our partner so IMHO you did deserve to know if he considered you a girlfriend or only a friend especially after 6 months!
First off, I LOVE the article and am passing it along.
I was with my ex for almost 2 years, spending almost everyday together in that time. We met at work (part time job) and needless spent plenty of time together each week. I think the times were always fun…we rarely ever fought, we were both easy going, and we always found fun things to do or friends to go out with.
About a year into the relationship things started to get odd. We argued about ‘trust’. She used it against me, since I told her i was cheated on in a previous relationship. She would say things like “I’m not that person, Its hard to be with someone who wont fully trust me”. I’m not a jealous guy, but things were getting out of hand with some of the people she was talking to or seeing (I found out almost a year later she was cheating on me with the person we were often fighting about).
I’ve always said I would never stay with a cheater, no matter what. However, at the end of our relationship, I even walked in on her with another guy (thankfully before things got to heavy) and had proof that she cheated yet again (i believe by the end it was a total of 4 people). She lied and tried to cover every one of them, often saying its my lack of trust thats the issue.
Now its 8 months later and I still often think about her. I know shes not what i want in my future and in the end a really bad person, but I miss SOMETHING about it, enough to think of her at least once a day (usually with anger).
Is it normal to still think about the person and let it bother you for this long? Is it because I’m unhappy with myself and not really seeing anyone else? I’ve recently started working out, lifting, and losing weight. I’m hoping this will set me on a track to success…of course, running into her friend at the local coffee shop and hearing how shes still with the last person she cheated on you with and living with him brings back some unwanted thoughts….
I guess i can go on, she started using heavy drugs again in the end, and a million other reasons I’m sure I can give why it was not meant to be. Yet the thought of her is still there and, though not nearly as much as it once was is a little painful at times. I wonder why?
Hello Lance, I really feel for what you are going through, maybe right now I am not the best person to give advice but in regards to your question if it is still normal to think and feel about her after 8 months…I think of course it is normal, especially because it seems the whole thing was real intense. I think it is best if you never know anything more about her..probably this new bit of information you recieved about her and the other guy triggered some of these thoughts and feelings.
However the real question to yourself might be, why are you unhappy with yourself?
It’s great that you are working out, do new things. I wish you the best and any advice on my own situation from a guy’s perspective would be more than welcome (posts above)!
I’m going through a break up at the moment and can’t seem to get myself out of this depressive state. I feel incredibly lonely and haven’t been able to find any support groups in my area. Most of my friends have moved out of the state and not having a friend in person is making this more difficult. Anyone have any advice?
Hello S lately it seems that there are not that many posts here but I know what you are going thru so if it is any help you can post here and at least get it off your chest!
I have been struggling for quite a while to get over a break up – what I find incredibly frustrating is that I know he was not good for me and that I dont want him back, but I somehow can stop thinking about him (and his new sidekick of which he cares to remind me often). We have a child together so it is quite difficult to just let go – see him way to often. He was most certainly emotionally abusive – very subtle, never had anything postive to say, was always commenting on my hair, clothes or whatever I did – leaving me with the general sense tha I was just ‘not good enough’. I realised that most of my anxiety after the relationship was caused by a general sense of wanting his approval – dont want him back, just want him to ‘approve’ and this is dangerous cos it is incorrectly seen as love or wanting to be with him. Still now I am incredibly anxious when I have to see him – this is possibly the worst, just realising that he cant hurt me (emotially) anymore and being rid of the fear and anxiety. I have decided that dating again is one way to start a whole new and wonderful cycle in my life. Fortunately I have learned some lessons and know how to spot a controlling, insecure and emotionally unavailable man. Some advice to men/women who have been or are in emotially abusive relationships – understand how you really feel, is it ‘love’ or is it a sense of ‘wanting approval’ – one could easily fall back into the abusive relationship as the need for acknowledgement from the perputrator can be overwheling, especially if he/she is witholding communication/intamacy/etc.
Hows it going you all…its been a very difficult few weeks. me and my exboyfriend split up on the 29th of September and the decision was mine. we had been together for 3 years and 7 months. our relationship was great from the beginning up until i discovered him being in chat rooms which brought alot of insecurites on my part. i would always wonder what he is doing behind my back which brought more feelings of insecurities. this was going on for awhile but he told me it stopped and i believed him. but when issues like this arise his temper got the best of him which then lead to physical violance on his part. and stupid me i would take him back because i loved him so much. it would get worse when we would drink but i take part of the blame on what has happened. our relationship totally hit the fan when i found out that he was texting another person with explicit messages and pictures were being exchanged….that really hurt me and my insecurities skyrocketed. i was in his business all the time and ask who he would be talking to…i totally lost trust in him which lead to more physical and emotional stress on me. the constant fear of other guys in his life…yes he would say i love you but i think he didnt mean it…because why would he do such things behind my back. i shunned out my friends to work on this relationship…i currently dont have any friends but i am reconnecting to lost friends after my breakup. texting to other guys have increased and i hated going through his phone again but i needed answers…so i had to to it…invade his privacy. i would ask but he would get mad and i didnt want to make him mad. so it all ended last month when he came home drunk and started beating me. i made the decission to leave. now he wants to get back but i told him it is over. right now i just feel alone and the constant memories of him come back…it makes me feel sad at times but i am remembering the things he as done to me like txting and i think he has cheated on me quite a few times. but i just need more words to move on…and to make it worse i am in a small town where i will be able to run into him. i am hanging in their, trying to keep myself occupied but sometimes it seems as if i should call…but i just have to be strong…
not only be strong but keep your pride. I understand what you are feeling.To be suspicous of your partner and want to belive them and want to only enjoy your time together is important, but you can’t have a real relationship like that. Give yourself me time from all the drama. Relax, regain your strength, so if you ever run into him you won’t fall flat on your face, but always be prepared for the time you do come face to face with that person. I just lost someone who was very much younger then me and I feared he would want someone his age and always looked in his eyes to see if he was looking at me with the love that he said he had it was so stessful. I could not hear what he was saying to me because I was always reading inbetween the lines. There was so many distractions – family, friends. And there was the family who could not understand what I saw in him (december/may).They said he was way too yong and not mature enough. There was some inmaturity, but there were those times he just seemed much odler then he was. he had been attracted to me from a very young age, I know his family I adored him and was surprised at how he felt about me. I think with the age and my relationship with one of his family members( I talked with his sister about problems in the relationship) that erupted the valcano beside the fact that he could not find a decent job. Our break up was very ugly, he hit me and there was a retaliation (which I would nver had done on my own,I have family members who care about me). I think about how things could have been different, but it is what it is. I miss him very much – he did have alot of drama with him also. But I would like to put closure on it all. We were togther for 3 years living together for 1 1/2 year. The time was terbulant. I think it had to do with the age difference. We broke up in the past and I would be fine with it but I guess because this breakup was so ugly I am having a hard time letting go and moving on.
Whew, it is good to know that we’re not alone.
My boyfriend of a year and I just broke up. We were off and on in college, f*buddies, together, not together…he just wouldn’t commit. I finally moved halfway across the country to try and start fresh… three months later, he moved in with me.
It was so hard for me to get over the old hangups and trust and believe in our relationship so I kept my distance and would often question if we had done the right thing in getting back together. It didn’t help that he would continue to keep me from his family and friends and almost flew out to see his ex until I gave him an ultimatum.
I think I can accept now that we tried and just weren’t right for each other. Our paths in life are really different and I was in love with some fantasy of him in the future that could fit into my life. It will never happen.
For the last few months, I’ve come to the realization that I love him despite his faults, I wouldn’t want him to change for me and that I’m the only one who can get over my hangups with the past. I feel like I’ve been able to move on and unload that old baggage. That’s a good thing.
And in the wake of the breakup (we are living together for a few more days til I fly out of the country – this sucks, sucks, sucks), after all the begging and crying, I think I’m getting a little sobriety and perspective. We didn’t share enough interests, didn’t meet each other’s needs (though we tried hard to compromise), and I knew this all along.
I’m grieving the loss of that fantasy person, but it’s the fantasy that was the love of my life, not the real guy, and I’d be kidding myself if I thought he’d ever evolve into the ideal I have built up in my head. And I’m kidding myself if I think I’d be happy being with the person he really is forever. I doubt we will ever see each other again.
The nice thing is, all my astrological charts and tarot readings indicate that I’m on track. So I guess that’s something, ha ha.
Otherwise, the old adage – This too shall pass.
This thread is great! If anything, I’ve realized that love is not a one-time thing. You go through all different sorts of people and relationships in a lifetime and each one is a learning experience. You get better at loving, too.
The only constant and reliable relationship you’ll have throughout your life is the one you have with yourself. So for all of you broken-hearted brothers and sisters, all is not lost. Everything (getting together, breaking up, moving on) happens for a reason and we’re moving towards bigger and better things.
It really helped me to read all the posts, thanks. xx
if just broke with my ex because he constantly lied to me cheated on me and got me in debt. i know hes no good for me and i would never trust him but i cant seem to learn from mistakes i still keep being nice to him and wanting him back. we have a child together so i still see him alot and this makes it difficult how can i get over him fast ?
Hi–
Just wanted to say that I completely identify with Monica’s situation. I broke up with my bf of 4 1/2 years about 4 months ago because of his cocaine addiction and refusal to get help. The relationship had always been up and down and this was the final straw. He now has a MUCH younger girlfriend and claims to be turning his life around. What I keep trying to figure out is why he couldn’t make those changes knowing that we could have a relationship, and chose instead to just a find a new one. We talked marriage, I moved across the country with him, we picked out kids names… How is someone able to get over that so quickly and move onto someone new?
I have never posted anything on any blogs before but this one caught my eye so I thought what the heck!
My ex and I broke up about 7 months ago and I still find it impossible to move on, is that normal? We were good friends at first for about 2 years then got into a relationship whic they say being friends first can be the best thing…NOT TRUE. We were together for 4 years, the first 2 years were great untill she started flirting with all these other guys through facebook, myspace and msn. At first it seemed harmless but got worse and worse as more guys kept being added to her contact lists. Then i noticed numbers on her cell phone, which she stated were for work purposes only. I can go on and on about everything that led to us breaking up but dont want to whine and bore people. The 4th year together was almost hell for me. She was more happy flirting with other guys and we had attempted counselling to no avail as she made it sound like the issue was only me being jealous which i felt i had the right to be. Then she boke up to me saying she could not handle my jealousy anymore and that was that. But again how come after 7 months I still hurt soooo much. I hear about others she is dating and i go crazy and hurt inside but know it is over and nothing I can do. Sometimes I think it was the age difference with me being 35 and her being 25 but some say age has nothing to do with it. I just don’t know what to do. There are oportunity’s with other women there for me which i have attempted on but cannot continue following through with because I am so still in love with my ex. How long is this supposed to take ????
HI,
I was married until 4 yrs ago,and then I met (got pursued relentlessly) by this woman, who eventually I left my husband and family for, and got involved. Our relationship was deep (my first same sex) and intense, crazy,controlling and abusive at times. I got physically and mentally abused by my then alcoholic partner. She gave up drinking about a year and half ago, and we tried to make things work.
Our relationship was always inconsistent. Not because it was bad, because even the smallest argument would make her go away from me. many a times we discussed splitting up.Finally, she did. about 2 weeks ago. She went away on a course and came back and grew totally distant and then gave the news.
I know its right. However, the hurt is very deep. I feel that I should let go, and I am trying really hard, but feel confused. Firstly, because I really wanted us to work. And I dont understand how she could suddenly stop feeling for me (I even suspect that she met someone on the trip). And secondly, because I dont know where I stand in my life at the moment! Women or men? I don’t know who I am suddenly.
I even begged her this morning (over the phone) to put a closure to this by getting intimate with me…! I feel pathetic about it. I want to keep contact with her. I make the contact, I text, I phone, I email. She responds but does not make the move. She is clear she does not want me anymore. Should I just let go completely?
being rejected is hard but put yourself in her shoes feel what she is feelings for you. That may make it better if you act as though you were done with her. There is no simple way to handle rejection. Also you have to do things as what makes you feel better. Pathic is one way to act if someone is not coming to your rescue. She also may not want to be around you because she will be back in a place that is not where she wants to be right now. Chill stay busy. Try to get focused on what you do. Time get wasted when you wait. You will heal. It time for you to figure out where YOU want to be.
This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do and i guess i need some help. After reading articles, and blogs on getting over a breakup it seems i am in one of the worst situations. I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years about two months ago. At first, we agreed that it was for the best we just weren’t connecting on the level that we used to. We decided to date other people and try to move on with our lives. There was just one big problem with this scenario…WE LIVE TOGETHER!! Honest to God i thought it would be easier, but its not. About a month into the breakup, i realized that it was a lot harder for me than it was for her. I am obviously still madly in love with this girl and although i think the breakup is necessary, its also impossible for me. Our apartment is decorated with photos of us, things from our trips together and just about every other item that reminds me of her. I have never felt a pain like this before and the thought of her overwhelms me. I cant focus on anything, everything reminds me of her, i have no appetite, i definitely cant sleep, i don’t know how im going to get through my next semester. She has been dating other guys and its driving me insane that she is so nonchalant about it while i can barely bring myself to go to work. We are still on good terms and i want it to stay that way but this is killing me inside. I know what i have to do, I just don’t want to do it, i guess im hoping we will get back together. Its hard to get over someone when you are surrounded by them every day. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? what did you do?
after 7 years ny girl decides she dosnt love me? so naturally i ask her why, she says no reason? shes now left with my kids.textes me alott but when i say can we try and patch things she says no point. and then she says im here for you? well shes not shes gone and i hurts like hell. i try to avoid her but i have to see her when i get the kids. i cant carry on like this coz sooner or later ill see her with another. then what ill crack up
hi! i was in a long distance relationship for 8 years. he works on a cruise ship. we email everyday and at times he calls too. i know his needs and i try to accomodate his requests of spice thru our emails and calls. I guess he got tired of being lonely and he met a new girl on the ship. so this contract they have been together (that’ll be almost a year) i had a bad feeling and i caught him (he had slip ups, he forgot he made dates with both girls on the same day and he ended up ditching me) he couldnt say why he stood me up so i followed my instincts and told him to admit that there is someone else. i ended it that night 01DEC07. he says with all the years of us together he considers me his family already and part of his home. I want to erase him like he never existed but he said he wont let go. We started as friends… after a while i accepted us being “friends” again and enjoyed his company (we go out for a movie or a bite) till one day he tried to get intimate with me again. this time i got hurt. why the disrespect? it wasnt easy for me waiting for him to come home each time and for us to settle down… only to be dealt like this. honestly i am a bit relieved, coz i wasnt happy most of the time waiting and not knowing his plans and now knowing we wont be together “romantically” anymore gave me relief. at least i know where i stand. but his actions are not only confusing but hurtful. he wants the cake and eat it too… would it be better if we not be friends at all?
Ok Joshua!!!!! I love you for posting this blog! I will save to my fav’s and pass on to who I think will need it.
Ok here’s mine…..I was dating this guy for 2 1/2 yrs. Oh my goodness we had a lot in common sooo freaky. Yet I did see the red flags. He has bad acne so I think this made him a tad bit insecure. Also he was cheated on in the past. I saw past all this because I to can be slighty insecure. Who isn’t. Yet I did not know it would lead to passive verbal abuse on his part. I began to see how negative he could be. Also how he would ask me anywhere from 10 – 80 questions when I missed a phone call from him. I thought it was a tad cute. (I know better now) Anyway eventually he calmed down on that because after a year I had proven I loved him and only him. There wasn’t a day that went by where we didn’t talk or a weekend that went by where he either stayed at my house or I at his. Sometimes he would stay during the week and weekend.
I come from a household where the dad I know is really my step-father. My two brother’s are my half brothers. Although my step-dad spoiled me and I was a daddy’s girl I felt the insecurity. I for some odd reason felt the need to act out or fight the other little girls that came around to make sure that daddy loved me.
I told myself I’d never do that to my kid and maybe I shouldn’t even have kids. Needless to say I have a 7yr old girl. Talk about cycles!
Anyway I said ok I wont start a relationship serious relationship and I sure wont bring anyone around her. Well her dad had no problem doing just the two.
I held it up very well. Until I met him he expressed how it bothered him that he couldn’t meet his girlfriends child. I put up a fight than later gave in. So now it was us 3 with the routine I talked about above him staying with me I with him and my daughter too at times.
I thought to myself several times this is it and I am not letting him go. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t hit me. He goes to family gatherings with me. I love his family and he cares for mine. Wow is this my husband? Yet he wanted a child I am scared to have another child what about my daughter? Yet I will have one because I love him. I also wanted to start living my life right. Start getting right in the church. He is a praying man yet I know if I said something about us stopping having sex as much as we both liked it he is bound to think I am cheating.
Mind games I heard mention several times in the articles above. I never knew what that was. Now I can relate almost everytime we had an argument it was my fault. Even if he called me stupid or if he said something hurtful it was because I did something. He always quizzed me. I remember one time my daughter and I were out to eat with him and he asked me a math problem I would say this is not school he would say be a better example for your daughter.
who does that? Constantly I feel he would pick at me.
I don’t know if this seems minor to you guys reading this. Maybe it is me.
The last situation I forgot to call his car in we both had been out late you can’t park on the street after a certain time in this area. So he had to drive home yet he had been drinking. I sent a text saying why didn’t you kiss me goodbye. No text bye. I called him when I thought he was at home. He says you shouldve f-ing thought to call. You know there is a time limit I would have never known that. I need a F-ing woman who thinks. Than he said Stupid A. And hung up. I just cried. Than I called back and said you are the stupid one and I hung up. I haven’t talk to him since. He sent a text message to tell me what all he will not be helping me with anymore. Not once to apologize or talk about us.
I have his email password the very next day he registerd with eharmony. What the heck is that about. I don’t think he ever loved me.
Should I go back? What should I do. I don’t even want to date new ppl right now. But I do want to move on. Please help you guys are good.
ps sorry so long.
Very intriuging blog and nice responses. So here’s my deal…
My girlfriend of 6 six years just broke up with me about 14 hours ago. To me it was sudden. We started dating when she was 16 and I was 19. We just started to live together in our own apartment about 1 year ago. Saturday we were just hanging out in our apartment relaxing, cuddling, watching a movie, you know, normal things. Next day while I was at work she texts me that she is at her parents house with our puppy. That right there meant something was wrong. Our dog is like a son to us. She said she needed her space for the time being and didn’t give any more explanation. She stayed at her parents that night and said she’ll come by tomorrow after work to talk about ‘things’.
So yesterday we talked, and she explained that at this point of time, it would be better that we just be separated for the time being. She feels that after 6 years, she doesn’t feel that she isn’t at a point that she wants to be in. Few things directly with me -> I haven’t shown enough motivation in the relationship (me not proposing YET may have contributed, me not find a better job to find a bigger better place to stay, us not having the same interests anymore, etc.)
For the past few months she has been showing lot of signs and hints that she wants to get married soon. I did have a ring to propose but the more she pushed for it, the more i waited because i really wanted it to be very special. I personally think that was one big factor of it but she says that when she thought about it the past few months, she came to the realization the “she fell in love more with the fantasy of her marriage than she did with me”. I know she didn’t try to sound as harsh, but it did hurt, and I can’t fault her for that.
Overall, I really thought we were great for each other. I’m actually surprised that I’m taking it as well as I have, beside the lack of appetite, trouble sleeping, and crying out of nowhere. Now, without her in the apartment for the time being, it’s been difficult to do anything normal. She hasn’t moved out yet and we’ll have to deal with that soon since we won’t be renewing our lease now. Another hard factor is that I was very close with her family. They were actually more supportive of the things I did than my own parents, so I love them for that. So I’m not losing just my girlfriend of 6 years, I’m losing my family.
I’m sure we’ll keep in touch, but as of right now, it is hard to cope with everyday normal things. Even here at work, it’s been difficult. But I don’t want to be at the apartment, alone.
I don’t know why I am posting this, I guess it’s just a way to breath a little bit somewhere. I’ve read most of the replies above and I’m glad that my Girlfriend and I didn’t end on a negative note, with cheating or lying or with a fight, but no matter, it still hurts like hell.
It’s life, I just gotta keep going I guess, and take her advice to stand on my own 2 feet. It’s just going to be very hard to break a 6 year routine.
Thanks for this.
She says I need to grow and stand on my 2 feet without her by my side all the time.
I sent my boy friend an sms to breakup with him, i feel am better off without him. This is because we have a big communication gab, he dosnt express himself; tell me about his family, and at some point i realized he just wants to flirt with me and dump me, i have been keeping the realtionshp going for 2 reasons, 1. My parents are presuarising me to get married 2. because he has a sense of humor but he is not seriuos with me. I have to make calls to him before he visits me. I feel am having the best time of my life.
God, I feel so lonely and am scared this is how it will always be. I loved Philip so, so much but he lets me down all the time. He says he’s never loved anyone like me but then then why does he lie all the time. To me a partnership is about being there for each other not just me there for him. I wish I didn’t love him. I write down all the reasons for why this is happening yet I still feel rubbish.
Please, please tell me this will get better.
i broke up with my ex a month and a half ago. it was a long distance relationship but i was making plans and saving to move out to be with her. anyway i accept that partially it was my fault for the break-up being 3ooo miles away and at times not expressing my thought or feelings as she says. but it’s always been hard for me. i guess telling someone that you love them just isn’t enough. and just the fact that she got over me according to her way before we actually broke up didn’t help. i would’ve loved to have tried to work it out but she moved on and according to her is very happy with her new boyfriend. while i am still going through the pain and guilt of “why” and “what ifs” and “hows”. i know i should’ve cut of all communication with her but deep down i still lover her even though she claims she doesn’t love me anymore. i’ve been talking alot to my friends and they’ve been a big help but i still miss her so very much i know in time i will get over her but it still hurts so very much.
she was my 1st very serious relationship in a number of years
and i thought that she would be the one to start a life with.
but i guess we were both at different stages in our lives she wanting to start one now and i wanting to but taking things slow.
i realized my faults in this relationship and on some level i want to get back with her because now that i know what was wrong maybe it could’ve been fixed but like i’ve said she moved on and i feel so very much left behind. i’ve been blogging alot writing down what’s been on my mind over the past month and it’s helped somewhat but there’s still the longing and emptiness that comes with this situation. i know it will take time. but right now i feel about as impatient as she does about things.
i just want the pain to go away. i’ve learned from what happened and just want to get on with my life.
Hi, this is Monica again. Glad to hear my story was of use to Jessica. So here I am, 6 months after the break up…Trina of course you will get better, believe me, that is precisely the same question I had and still have to some degree. The pain starts disappearing, and I guess then you move on to the next level which is starting to manage your life and percieving yourself as a single person…I did see my ex, sometime in October after I wrote him an email straight from the heart, not for us to go back but as a goodbye…it was such a shock to see him, in my house in my sofa like the old times. He might have been clean for a while but when I saw him I saw in his eyes all the old demons, his whole person so different from when he was clean. It really was so painful to see him like that that I did what I never imagined…I told him I had to leave. When we said good bye we hugged for the longest time, to know that even if he was there physically, I could not be so sure if spiritually. To make it short, he looked like a poster boy of how cocaine can ruin a person’s life.
We made comments about maybe meeting up later, but since then I have not heard from him but now I really feel this is what is best..I guess that breaking up under these circumstances is a little different that someone just telling you that they don’t want to be with you anymore but I think that ANY BREAKUP or DIVORCE is a real challenge that life gives you…
I cant’t tell you there are not days when I miss him or want to talk to him, but I have moved on. I still can’t imagine being attracted to someone else or finding a person with which I have so much in common, but at least I am past the stage where I could not accept it was over.
To everyone out there; YES YOU WILL GET BETTER!! Like I wrote once, Get it out, cry, talk, write, do all you can to make yourself better and above all, never lose your self respect…there are many worse things that being alone and one of them is not ending a situation that brings you pain!
My relationship with my ex-boyfriend lasted 1 year and two months. We were so happy together. I had no complaint whoatsoever from him. And he seemed very happy with me too. However, his job (he is in the military) requires from him to move every 2 years. All this time we have been together, he made it clear to me that he doesn’t like his job and that he wants to change and do something else because he is almost 30. He said he would try and explore all his options (after we had broken up and got back together in september) to stay where I stay and leave the army. However, two weeks ago he revealed to me that he couldn’t try because it was too hard for him; he couldn’t see himself doing anything else because he had no other qualifications other than his diploma from the military school. I am in a state of shock, and although I understand him completely I still believe he could do more.
We haven’t spoken for two weeks now but it is still hard for me to not think of him. He will be leaving from here in June or July and until he leaves I think I will be in a state of anger and grief,,,
Gosh, so many painful stories. A big hug to everyone going through their rough times. This is a great website. Its really important to let your pain out. Id love to call my friends and cry, but ive already done that and I dont want to over-burden people.
Monica – Im pleased to hear that you’ve moved on. Its true that things do get easier. It wasnt your fault that your ex turned to drugs, but it dragged you down all the same. life isnt fair at times, but these things make you stronger.
rhonda – Its a shame your guy isnt moving earlier so you can move on. but deep down i guess you’re also pleased he’s still around. my situation is similarish to yours. when we give 100% of ourselves, why cant our other half do the same and put partner before job?
john – i hope your pain does go away soon. you sound like you have a lot to give and deserve someone who can give the same.
trina – it will get better. but not for a while sadly. just learn to love yourself in the meantime.
mines a fairly sad story. and for those curious im late 20’s. after a hideous breakup a couple of years ago, i was left feeling “will i ever find the right one”,”will i fall in love again”,”will this pain go away”.
out of the blue i met this guy, and it was magical. we were together a year and a half. it was long distance but we always made a big effort. both of us kept saying how pleased we were we’d met the person of our dreams, we talked about marriage and children and i was so happy. the only downside was that he did have anger management issues (never physical) and jealousy/insecurity. id just gotten him to go see his dr in september about his anger and hopefully get counselling.
then he got a job in the middle east. i was devastated. i could only see him once a month or two for a few days now. then another bombshell. his 8 month contract turned into a year and possibly more. He refused to commit to when he would return home for good. I have a contract tieing me down for a few years so cant join him. he didnt get the counselling i thought he so desperately needed. arguements started. but i always thought we were a strong unit and would get through this.
then 2 weeks ago he said he didnt want to be with me anymore. he said he didnt know what he wanted out of life and needed time alone to sort his head out.
im still in a state of shock. and so so sad.
ive lost the man i was convinced was the one, my best friend, and my happy dreams of a husband and children.
and i feel so lonely.
after ive met a mr perfect, i really am wondering now if i will meet anyone else who can fill those shoes.
these feelings are so awful and i cant wait for them to be gone. i desperately want to be back together, but he wont be back in the country until at least sept time, so no chance of that. life just sucks at times.
I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for a year and one month. In the last month (this past Jan ‘08) we started having more fights, quite intense. Most recent one was a week ago, after which we talked and came to some conclusions, all mutually; one being to continue together.
then over the weekend, he told his parents about us (he hadn’t before as he was scared to do so)and subsequently put thru emotional guilt trips by them. yesterday evening, he calls and says that we cannot continue as his parents don’t approve.
i became devastated as just over 48 hours before, he was so wanting to be in the relationship. i questioned and questioned how he could not stand up and believe in the future of something he wanted. but he can’t..
its even harder to get over as we work in the same office (not on same projects/assignments but we do see each other day in/day out). I tried talking to him asking how can he continue living only the way his parents want, and he was in no position to answer.
i’ve cried into my phone onto another friend’s shoulder, i’ve been reading various sites/blogs on handling breakups(hard to focus on work). we cannot avoid each other during the day, esp when there are various inter-office bonding activities. I so feel like running to his desk and giving him a tight hug and telling him about my day, but i know i can’t. it won’t help me get over this break-up.
i wish i knew how long it would take me to grieve and get over this. i know its not possible to know. i also don’t want to store away all physical objects and digi photos of him, esp this pink wrap he had gifted me early in the relationship. but i know i will need to for better recovery.
it helps me to know that i am not the only person in the world with a heartache right now. i was with my girlfriend for 18 months when she decided that she needed to move to another city to further her career. i was willing to eventually move with her but she said she also has too many personal issues to have a relationship right now. she said that she started feeling distance between us within the past few months. i am heartbroken that she will not even consider talking through it and trying to work things out.
we broke up 13 days ago and i have not had any contact with her in almost 4 days. i have erased her numbers from my cell phone contact list and have no plans to call or email her. in the last few days i am starting to see her for what she is and how cruellyshe has treated me during all of this.
i am trying to get a more rounded support system around me right now but it is hard when i spent most of my free time around her and her friends. i am not crying myself to sleep anymore every night and i have started sleeping in my bed again (as opposed to the couch). Getting good night’s sleep seems to be helping me but I am still very lonely.
Its funny how things happen and the time taken for the occurrence. Its been about 3 days since the breakup, and so far both of us seem fine. In fact we haven’t stopped talking to each other. After talking further we both have realized that we are each other’s best friends and support, so even if we aren’t involved romantically, we won’t go away from each others’ lives.
What I have also realized is that I still am ready and want to be at the next level with him. But, it will matter most when he also wants it and is sure of it. The mental state of mind he is in right now, he isn’t sure of wanting it or not (especially since his mom/parents have yet to let go of doing everything for him). So, I figured that having him in my life this way is better than nothing at all. If in the future (can’t predict when that will be) he is ready and wants to take it to the next level, then we will face life together.
Deep DEEP down I want us to get there. I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. But I don’t want to put pressure on him to the point that he runs away. Some might say this isn’t a right path I am taking. But, it is my decision and I will face the consequences as they come along (plus: if I don’t go down this path, I will always wonder!)
the coward made his decision: his parents are more important. this shows he won’t be making any choices in his life (not that he was before). to hell with him, i feel nothing for him. he can rot in hell for all i care.
so much for standing up for him..big waste of time
I amd tired. My boyfriend left me 8 (!!!) months ago for another girl. Well so to say as I believe that when you are happy in a relationship noone new can step in… I sometimes feel i tried everything – I have new hobbies, I have great friends, I have my family … I even manage to flirt with guys, get new dates. However there are days when I feel absolutly broken – like I will never get throuht this? What esle should I do? Is it only matter of time? maybe it does not help that I work with my ex. Pls can you give some more advice to me? I feel like I should be already over him but I just simply am not … and I am just sick and tired of these feelings …
Sheri, Tina, heartbroken and everyone else…please dont’t lose faith…going thru this is indeed very hard, specially since you get so used to being around someone else..not to sound like a martyr (WHICH I AM NOT), but I really can’t imagine doing to somebody the stuff I read about here..honestly. I saw my ex last Saturday, on his birthday, at a concert. Have not seen him since last October…can you belive he got back with his exwife, the same exwife that asked him for a divorce after less than a year of marriage and threw all his stuff out to the street. This was around 4 years ago. He was never clean when he was with her. She changed her mind about divorcing him and insisted so much but he told her a million times that with me he knew what a real friend and partner was. So now back into his old habit, he is back with her. What makes me saddest is that she is so sick that she much prefers to have him as an active addict so she can keep him dependent…really guys, this experience has taught me that I DESPERATELY need to look deep into my soul in regards of what I really expect from a relationship and what is my real self worth. Why am I comfortable only in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts? I am 30 years old and from age 14 to 22 I was involved in a relationship with another alcoholic and coke addict.
I really need to sort these issues before I even think of having another relationship. It is true that my current ex and I started by being best friends and we did have a great friendship, and I still have a hard time believing I will ever meet another person that I have such a connection with, HOWEVER I really need to explore why do I think I do not deserve a partner that does not depend on chemicals to feel ok about himself.
Sheri I understand how you feel. My life has gone on too…but you still get that thing where you feel like the floor’s been pulled out. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!! I do think, time will be our best friend here.
Sorry for going on and on…just had to let it out.
today is a lousy day – funny enough I am no loger in this relationship yet it still influences my mood …
everyone says that someone new will come along when you least expect it. but when you’re feeling low from the last failed encounter and your confidence is rockbottom, it hardly opens the floodgates to all the prince charmings-in-waiting!
being alone is rotten.
and yes, my mood is also affected by the previous relationship. its the coupley dreams that keep getting me most right now.
hi folks,..just back to vent i guess. it’s been well past the 2 month mark since i broke up with my GF. the pain has gotten somewhat eaiser but still there. i made a stupid mistake yesterday. i was looking on her myspace page and i looked at a friend of her’s page and on it i saw a picture of her and her new boyfriend. everything i had built up was torn down again. i went to bed crying like a baby. i couldn’t even sleep everytime i closed my eyes i saw that picture of them in my head and it hurt.
i know i should’ve broken all contact off with her. and i know i’m trying to hold onto something that’s already gone. but a part of me is so scared to let go. i know i need to if i’m ever going to get over this.
we still talk to each other she wants us to still be friends but and it’s always a one sided convo she talks about him,..not even being considerate of my feelings for her still being as strong as they are. and stupid me just sits there and takes it. i know i shouldn’t
i need to get her out of my head and out of my life. i feel so lost and confused.
i just want the pain to go away,..a part of me wants to find someone new so i can just rub it in her face. but that’s not me she rebounded so quick. but for me to do that with my love for her so strong would not be fair to the any new girl i date nor myself.
all i’ve been doing is blogging down my feelings. some of them i’ve been sharing with others including her and others i’ve kept private because they are disturbing. i’m going into therapy soon, not just because of the break up but because the break up was a wake up call that there are certain aspects of myself and my life i need to change or i will not evolve as a person and make the same mistakes i made with my Ex with any future girlfriends.
a friend i talk to on line says that it takes about as half the time of a relationship to get over it. part of me just wants to roll myself up in a cocoon and sleep for about 6 more months. maybe the pain will go away.
i know they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stonger,
i’m not feeling very strong.
its been 2 weeks…and everyday I wake up I feel the pain all over again..its like breaking up daily…I feel like I’m going through some sort of haze and everything in my head is so muddled up…My bf of almost 2 yrs broke up with me out of nowhere because he realized he can’t accept the fact that I’m a different religion and culture..and that he wants his wife to share his beliefs/values…he thinks its the right thing to do…yet it doesnt make sense to me…for as long as we were together he’d say that all he needed was me and that he kinda belived in his religion and was for the most part agnostic…he said we’d marry have a future he made so many promises…just 3 weeks ago he told me how he told his parents about me and they said not to bring someone of a different relgion home that he would go against them and still be with me…then all of a sudden it just happened he realized there were to many complications and he wouldnt be able to deal with them…yet he calls me all the time saying he loves me how beautiful i am and if i was the same relgion we would be engaged by now…but I can’t convert not because im religious but b/c its giving up something for someone who wouldnt do the same for me…i keep asking him y he cant accept me the way i am…i was tehre for him through the break up cuz he had no one …and i guess i had ulterior motive of getting him back…i still just wish we could go back to what we had…the finality of the whole things just eats at me…we shared so much…he said we were soul mates now he says he meant that at the time just like everything else he meant it at that time…i cant even be mad at him…and being said is just so draining…and the worst part is i have to see him every single day…he right there yet hes not with me hes not mine anymore…and i keep thinking y i wasnt enough..y he thinks love and happiness arent enough…maybe hes confused and will realize it soon enough…but then what..we can never have what he had…i dont know how to deal with this..
john and natasha, your stories are so painful and sad. i really feel for you guys.
john – i think you need to cut contact with your ex and make a go with moving on with your life. she’s not helping right now.
natasha – i wish i had some good advice but i dont really. having to see him a lot must be so painful and youre clearly very strong inside to cope with it.
big hugs to both of you. shame we cant go to the pub and have a good old bitch our ex’s together!
x x
Hi all, Its been about 1 month since me and my gf of 3 years broke up, initially we wanted to take a break for a few months to see if we were better off without each other, it didnt quite happen so…i was the one to suggest the break up and she wanted me back terribly, she kept calling and we ended up having sex a few times, after a week apart (well, not really aprt) i started to distnace myself further since i was the one who wanted to take a break, but only after 2 weeks she found a new guy, the break was going quite well for me up to this point, the guy that she started dating is way better looking than me, not that i consider myself ugly, but i will admit, he blows me out of the water, its so hard now, knowing that you have been replaced by someone better, when i wasnt even looking for anyone else, i was just taking time to myself. Another big part of my pain is the fact that me and her had the best sex in the world, our relationship in the bedroom couldnt have been better, and now knowing that the new guy, who looks better than me, gets to have all the good times with the girl who i still very much love..my ego is playing a big role in this, but im soooo depressed ever since i found out that she found someone else so quickly, I know that we werent meant to be, but the pain HURTS SO BAD!!! Please give me some advice on how to over come this…THANK YOU ALL
Im 22 Years old. I met a guy who I fell in love with. He is 26. I was with him for nearly 2 months, you may think 2 months is nothing but we knew so much about eachother that we fell in love straight away when we started going out. I got to know him about 4 months prior to the relationship. My mother didnt like him and didnt trust him and caused me grief. She would call me and abuse me if I was at his house and put me under alot of mental and emotional stress. Not only was I under this stress, he was too. He’d get upset if I got upset and basically my mother made our relationship miserable. We were happy together until she kept stepping in and upsetting us both.
He says my mother has scarred him for it. He told me that we both should break up coz we both need to sort our lives out, he said once we sort ourselves out he will come knock on my door and ask if i would try again. Of course I would accept that offer because we felt real love. I lost my virginity to him, my mum found out and said hurtful things to me like, “How could you be so stupid, I dont like him” When she said that, i was broken to pieces about losing my virginity but i dont regret losing it to him and never will.It wasnt a mistake.I dont see it as i lost my virginity I see it as I made love for the first time. I love him so much it hurts so bad. He told me in time we will meet up again he will knock on my door and ask if i wanna give the relationship another try. We both love eachother deeply but he says we needed to do this to get our lives sorted out for ourselves and once it has happened, we can start again. I cant forgive my mum for what she has done. I even moved out and lived with my dad. I cant handle her. The stress and instability she has put on me has really pushed me over the edge. She has scarred me too for what she has done. Do you think he will really wanna give the relationship another try? Will he really do what he says he will do. He promised me and he never breaks his promises. It is not his or my fault we split so do you think he will try again with me? Im just so scared I’ll lose him forever.
i did something very stupid yesterday, and i am ashamed of it. i was leaving a hello message on my Ex’s Myspace page and i noticed she had a new pic up i looked at it and it was a picture of her and her new boyfriend,..looking very happy!!! i thought i was strong enough to handle seeing this but needless to say everything i had built up was torn down again. the Floodgates were broken open. i went to bed crying like a baby. i couldn’t even sleep everytime i closed my eyes there it is was in my head and it hurt.
i know i’m trying to hold onto something that’s already gone. but a part of me is so scared to let go. i know i need to if i’m ever going to get over this.
i need to get over this and on with my life. i feel so lost and confused.
i just want the pain to go away,..a part of me wants to find someone new so i can just rub it in her face. but that’s not me. for me to do that with my feelings for her so strong would not be fair to the any new girl i dated nor myself.
all i’ve been doing is blogging down my feelings. and some i’ve kept private because they are disturbing. i’m going into therapy soon, not just because of the break up but because the break up was a wake up call that there are certain aspects of myself and my life i need to change or i will not evolve as a person and make the same mistakes i made with my Ex with any future girlfriends.
a friend i talk to on line says that it takes about as half the time of the relationship to get over it. part of me just wants to roll myself up in a cocoon and sleep for about 6 more months. maybe the pain will go away.
i know they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stonger,
i’m not feeling very strong. right now.
hello all,
thank you to all of you guys who have already posted, it helps not only to read other peoples’ stories but to be able to comment on them and share you own benefits both you and others at the same time, it healing to tell and comforting to read.
So here is my story,
About three weeks ago, my bf of 3 years broke up with me. His reasoning is that he just is not capable nor is he happy in committed relationship (he admitted that he is selfish and wants to what he wants when he wants with having to answer to anyone but himself) I am 24 with a good job and currently enrolled in grad to get my CPA and he is 26 quit college with less than a year to complete his BS in psychology. He works 2 part time jobs and is not happy with his life. He loves to party with his friends and doesn’t feel that he gave me enough attention. He said I put way much more into the relationship than he did and he didn’t see himself getting any better and it was unfair to the both us to keep a one sided relationship going.
He states he is self centered and only thinks of himself most of the time when he is out with his friends. He has never cheated on or anything. I do not blame him for not wanting to drag me through what he says is the one sided relationship that he doesn’t want.
He says he is afraid of commitment. He says he still wants to be good friends because it would have been a waste of three years to just not talk anymore and I agree with him, but he doesn’t respect that fact that I am hurt by the break up and need a little bit of me time to get over him. And me time consists of just me with no communication with him through text, calls, or e-mail. He thinks it is dumb for me to not talk to him at all.
Why is that guys just do not get that you can’t go from being in loving relationship to being just friends?
I tried to be friends with him last time we broke up but i ended up crying everyday for 6 months waiting for him to come back and watching him date other people while i dated no one. I have come to the realization that I worth more than that. I do not need to cry that much over one person who isn’t losing any sleep over me.
I agree that he may be getting over it in a different way than I am, but most girls cry alot, lose sleep, lose their appetite, and want nothing more than to still be with their ex. I was the same way throughout the last break up but this time I made up my mind that things need to be different.
I really do want a friendship out of this breakup but as most would agree that cannot happen right away. You need to lost most of the feelings you have for that person and when you see them without getting emotional and thinking that you still want to be their g/f or b/f then a friendship can evolve. I guess all in all I do not get why men think it is that easy to go from love to friend in that mins that it takes to break up. Feelings do not disappear that easily for most people. And it much easier to get someone if you don’t see or talk to that person for period of time
Hello everyone,
Well, this is my story. My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago after a year’s relationship. I had found out that she didn’t love me anymore, and didnt have the heart to tell me. So when I knew, we broke it off and it’s been a little unsettling the past week.
It’s funny because during the time we were together, we would fight, annoy each other, it was an unhealthy relationship. I hated her parents for being racist, and our different religious beliefs would become a problem. Not to mention, I was losing my attraction to her. Nevertheless, I still can’t get over her. I’ve become too used to having her around, and her not being here is very sad. I did everything for her and the fact that she didn’t tell me sooner how she lost her love for me, makes me feel the past few months was a waste.
Any advice really would be great, I came to this website to read and share with others. The majority of my friends feel uncomfortable talking to me about such matters, so
Melissa, i’m kinda in the same boat as you. if you’ve read my last couple of post. my Ex broke up with me just before the holidays and rebounded real quick.
and your question about “Why is that guys just do not get that you can’t go from being in loving relationship to being just friends?” the same goes for women too that’s what my Ex wants.
she still wants us to be friends but she doesn’t seem to realize that i still have so very strong feelings for her.
and i’m not helping matters by still contacting her from time to time. i don’t text her anymore or leave her IM’s , or go to her Myspace page but if i happen to be online she might say hello and we talk. not the best thing to do.
she got over me soo quick that she’s already quit her job and moved in with the guy and she claims she’s happy.
and believe it or not. i’ve cried,..alot and lost a lot of sleep over the past few month and my appitite has diminished so much that i’ve lost about 40lbs from not eating. i haven’t been starving myself but i’ve just been so down in the dumps that i haven’t been eating. i guess the one good thing from this break up was that i’ve gotten healthier. and just like alot of woman do. i’ve gotten back into the gym and gonna get myself in better shape. the only consolation is the guy she dumped my for is a huge fat divorced single parent so now he get’s a live in baby sitter on the weekends he get’s to have visitations and it’s funny because at 23 she stated many of times she doesn’t want kids and now she’s got a semi-step daughter oh did i forget to tell you she’s engaged to the guy only after 3 months of dating?
i agree with you on the fact that friendship between us now can’t happen till i’ve lost all the feelings i’ve had for her. but it is hard,..so very hard.
and like you i do not get why women (or at least her) think it is that easy to go from lover to friend like that. things like this takes time after a break up. Feelings do not disappear that easily. and it sucks to high hell when she told me she still has feelings for me and yet she chose to be with this person.
Let it be known that MySpace is the devil when you and your significant other break up. Try your hardest to not look at theirs and take them off of your friends list and make your page friend only access. Or else you will keep going back to look and get hurt over and over again.
John,
Thanks for responding to me, I am glad it is not only women who go through this type of thing and glad to know that it issn’t just men who move on so quickly. I wish you the best of luck with everything. And the gym really does help out with getting past those feelings. I take pilates and yoga to clear the mind, and it is not just women in these classes so concider something like that
I feel for everyone on here that has experienced the pain, the pain of a break up or a let down.
I was with someone that I knew in highschool, I knew her brothers, dad, and her ex husband. We reconnected about 10 months ago. We talked for 3 months before we even went out on our first date. We dated through the holidays, and then sometime around Feb 1 she asked for space to figure things out. She then broke it off completely on Feb 11 (on yahoo IM) which to anyone who reads this is not classy at all. I was hurt, I was crushed. I went through every emotion from A to Z. Except anger… I did since the seperation on Feb 1 give her her space. I took her cell number out of my phone, wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my desk at work. I took her and yahoo IM off both computers I own. I did everything I could to make sure I couldnt contact her. Well she contacted me a few times over the last couple weeks. Her emotions went from I still care, I do care, I am sorry I hurt you,to I still wonder if Iam made the right decision. Ironically I found out Thursday night on a phone call from a friend that she went back to her ex boyfriend 2 months ago, he got her stuff for Valentines Day, has been planning trips and even ordered stuff from work using his credit card. Now, I was I think at my lowest point Thursday night. Worse part about it all is I was on my way to dinner and drinks with some friends. I put them through h*ll and they didnt deserve it. I had one to many greygoose and oj’s and heck at that point I didnt deserve it. Iam divorced , this relationship I had with my ex was one that I believe in my heart I gave more too then when I was married. Most will read that and kringe..well so do I when I hear myself say that. I was trying to learn from the things that I did wrong so when I was in my next relationship it would be more smooth. Problem is the girl that I met again from highschool wasnt the person I thought she was in hindsight. She is and will continue to be a “taker” I think of all the things I did, all the driving around, the child pick ups and drop offs. Heck I drove in a snow storm the night before she split with me to pick up and drop off her son at basketball. I gave and gave and gave, emotionally-physically-mentally- and the greatest of all financially. I have been going to therapy for 6 weeks not for her, but for me. There was and there continues to be a issue with “me”. I know what it is, and for not being assertive and in control of myself esteem I have lost something good in my life, but then I think about the part where she was a “taker” never gave back. In 4-5 months together I cant think of one thing she gave me…no cards…nothing and its not a huge thing but it is feelings in a card that sometimes mean more then a gift from a store. Its true feelings written down that came from the heart. I gave a card every other Wed, flowers too…we had met on a Wed that was our first date. So to me every other Wed signified something. I know every one hurts, and everyone goes through this or something like this. I have to chalk it up to life lessons. I just cant get over the fact that to run to your past, when its not even over makes me feel like the love we had wasnt even love…it was one sided love. I know people are all different, and people deal with grief and emotions differently. But how can people jump around like that..I think that is the hardest thing. People play with emotions like it is a game. I just hope that in the end history is right…and Karma is a b*tch.
I was just wondering if it is normal for a guy (who has a serious girlfriend) to ask other girls to send him naked pictures of themselves? My ex and I were together for almost 3 years when he broke up with me about a month ago. I had seen his phone one day when he opened it to check his message and seen that another girl sent him naked pictures. So since then i didn’t trust but i didn’t tell him that i knew what was going on. I stayed with him for the next years knowing this. But i would constantly check his phone and his e-mail to see if there were any more pics and stuff and there always was. I didn’t want to lose him by telling him how i knew about it. I was wrong for going through his phone and e-mail but wasn’t he more wrong for even asking another girl for pictures?
What he did is pretty unforegiveable but he didn’t feel bad about it or guilty at all. But now that he knows about me looking through his phone and e-mail, he refuses to talk to me and thinks I am a horrible person for what I did. I feel extremely bad for what I did and would love to apologize for it, but I don’t know when the right time for that would be. We have been broke up for one month but only havnt been on speaking terms since this past saturday when i seen him taking another girl into his house and i went a little psycho and texted him a bunch of things like “i hate you” “never talk to me again” blah blah blah. I didn’t mean any of it cause i really do love him but i was drunk at the time and hurt by what i seen. I just do not know how to move on from this when he has with out a second thought.
Was I really that wrong for checking his e-mail and phone or was he more wrong for asking other girls to send him pictures of them selves (for which his response was “It shouldn’t matter if I did that or not, i don’t care about them, I care about you, I just like looking at other women too.” WTF
Help me out with this one.
hey everyone,..it’s been the 3 month mark since my break up,..i’m feeling better about it and i’ve come to accept that it happened for a reason,..part of me still misses my Ex, but she’s moved on and i am starting to move on with my life.
i found this little saying on a message board and i’ve come to use this as my mantra during the hard times when i think about my ex and start to feel the longing and emptiness of her not being in my life. i’m gonna post it so that if any of you might need something to get you through the rough patches.
***************daily Affirmation****************************
things i need to say to myself everyday:
1)”if she can live without me, then i can live without her”
2)She broke up with me. She was ****y about it. You had no control over it,
3)My ex just made a poor choice in not keeping with me. Her loss, and that is what i have to believe about myself…
4)look in the Mirror at your side of the relationship that went wrong. Then take responsibility for that. Then realize that it takes two to tango. In other words, she ****ed up, you ****ed up. After you do all that, then stop playing the, What if, and If only we would have done …. Stop that. It’s useless.
Then move on.
************************************************************
for all you females just substitute the “she” for a “he” and jot it down somewhere and keep it handy. i have a copy of it over my computer and i wrote it down on the back of an index card i keep in my wallet. and when i start to feel bad i look at it and repeat it over and over again till i feel better and it has worked for me. i hope it works for any of you.
well we have to deal with the real.
when i feel bad i say to myself:
- i chose to be with this person and that includes the risk that he would maybe leave me one day. but I chose to be with him despite knowing that. so i am NO VICTIME. i dont blame myslef and i dont blame him.
- he decided to leave and I may feel like **** about the situation but it is in my powers to do something about it.
- in the end it is easy – If I cant be happy with this person I have to go out and I find myslef someone else
im so stressed right now. i havent spoken to my ex in nearly 2 months and i thought i was doing fine. now he wants to meet at the weekend to discuss “joint stuff” and taking back whats “rightfully his” that he left at mine.
its just awful. ive agreed to meet him but im still getting daily abusive emails/txts/answerphone messages. some things are his but now his demanding much more. its just stress you dont want and its getting petty.
and he’s a livewire. i wouldnt be surprised if i found my new cars windows smashed in. im so glad we dont have a dog or he’d want it sawn in half!
i did feel strong but now im in pieces. i feel sorry for which ever poor sod ends up with him in the future.
and im lonely and have no idea where i’ll meet the next guy!
i’ll try the daily affirmation!
John, I am so glad to see you are pulling thru!
Jane, hang on…it’s a little by little day to day process…but in the end, it is a matter of one day waking up and finally seen the light…I started posting here in September of last year, it really helped me get things out. Most of my friends thought, or still think, that my ex is a lost cause and don’t really get my sadness. It is real hard when you have such a deep connection with someone.
Personally I still don’t understand how my ex stopped talking to me..I mean less than a week before he disappeared he wrote me some really intense things..but it’s really silly I guess to expect any kind of normal behavior from somebody addicted to drugs.
Still, although deep down I am still afraid of never having a connection like that with another person, the other day I thought: THAT’S IT! I am not going to be unhappy or not enjoy life, just because this person is not with me anymore. One of my best friends told me that breaking up or a divorce is the same as the person dying…and I think she is right. You have to start from scratch. Obviously it is not exactly the same as death because in death the person did not choose to leave you, but you get the idea.
I guess for anyone reading or posting here, the phrase “Life goes on” must seem like cold comfort (I know it was to me), but in the end I guess it is true…
Jane, I wish you the best in these tough times! Hang on, girl!
hi,my ex girlfriend called it off about 3wks ago,i really want to forget about her but am finding it so hard, we were constantly splitting up and getting back together over 5yrs, think we just got used to the habit we did have some great times together but we also had stupid arguments over the silliest things ,the day she ended it was her bday , she told me how much she loved me in the morning then in the evening she finished it , and the followig day she got with someone else, her reason was she had no feelings towards me and was really happy with this new guy ,to b honest it wasnt going anywhwere , i think i should stop thinking about and never get in touch cant be asked because when i do she just tells me how great this guy is , she said that about me 5yrs ago
im just gonna start thinking how better the next one will b , because i now know im better off without her , get out and enjoy life , make the most of it,uve only got one
before i tell my story, i want to say that i’m genuinely sorry for everyone’s loss. i don’t pretend to know your specific brand of pain, but i share your woe. and i hope every last one of you finds happiness.
bear with me…
i had been on 3 dates in 3 years. for a healthy male in his mid 20’s that’s not normal. but i’m old fashioned and finding a girl with similar values is like winning the lottery. sometimes i think i was born in the wrong century. i don’t have women lining up at my door, but i said no to quite a few over the years. so i was alone. utterly. i forgot the touch of skin and sound of laughter. but i still dreamed about having a family of my own. about being a husband and a father. but i was okay. i had my career, my friends, my house, my dog, my life.
we met at one of my football games. her smile was like the sunshine on my heart for a thousand years. we immediately started dating and the connection was undeniable and true. our partnership was by no means picture perfect but our life together was truly blessed. she was the one i had been waiting for (and i had been waiting a long while). i admit i was head over heals from day one. but i love her the way a man was intended to love a woman. with patience. with fortitude. she became the best part of me and for the first time in my life i felt like i belonged. she saved me from myself.
time goes by… our love grows.
in january, i proposed to the woman of my dreams. she said yes. i claimed her in front of my entire family (very traditional family) at the engagement party. my parents love her. my grandmother smiled like she did when i was 5. the entire place was mesmerized by my fiancé. i didn’t think it could get any better.
on Valentine’s Day we found out she was pregnant. before, that would have scared the crap out of me. but it felt right. she was going to be a great mom and i wouldn’t think twice about her raising my child. i was on cloud 9 again. my dreams were coming true. i immediately called everyone.
people were jealous of our relationship. everyone said we were the couple that made more sense than any other couple they knew. engaged and expecting, we bought a new house. she became beneficiary of my estate. paperwork was already formalized for health insurance on the baby. we picked out names. my mother furnished the nursery. i started reading to the baby every night. and i loved her more than ever.
two weeks ago, out of nowhere, she breaks off the engagement and says she wants an abortion. a friend of hers told me that she doesn’t know who the father is and has been lying to me the whole time. it was literally the worst day of my life.
apparently, her secret has driven her to desperation and all she wants is to get out. she’s not listening to anyone. she won’t take my calls. and her friend told me she already had the procedure done. (i have a BS in neuroscience so i know a thing or two about fetal development… i can’t believe abortion is legal up to 23 weeks!!! it’s a baby!!!) so, i’ve lost the girl i waited so long for. AND possibly a baby. in a matter of days my life was undone.
the pain is overwhelming. it permeates into every thought, every cell in my body, every breath, every moment. the smell of her on the sofa is pure torment. her shoes in the closet bring me to pieces. i packed a bag and i’ve been staying in a hotel for 4 days. eating makes me nauseous. sleeping is so out of the question. i haven’t been to work. i am completely consumed by my grief. my phone rings every 5 minutes. everyone but her, calls to ask what’s going on. nobody actually believes it.
i was hospitalized last week with heart palpitations. doc says its post traumatic stress disorder related to grief and my ticker could actually just give up. i’ve been a fighter since birth but right now i only want to surrender. it hurts too much. i understand now why people lose their sanity. living in a fantasy world is easier than dealing with the suffering in this real one. how do you cope with losing a fundamental part of yourself? the part you value most. the part that gives meaning to the rest. the part of you that you would trade everything else for. the single most cherished person in your life story. i feel like i’ve loved her my entire life because i really didn’t start living life until i fell in love with her.
“i have dreamed a dream… but now that dream has gone from me.”
thanks for reading.
Hi everyone, I just wondered what people thought of my experiences. Im getting sadly disillusioned with women regarding my situation of having a full time daughter. I was widowed just over 5 years ago and have had two relationships since, both lasting 18months to two years (one lady separated and one lady widowed like me). They both had 2 young children about my daughters age, but always had issues about my daughter, and never seeming happy with taking on a full time child that wasnt theirs. Actually there were emotional issues with their children rather than mine (who didnt remember her mother) yet my daughter was ‘blamed’ as being a bad influence. What really hurt is that both women claimed things would have worked if id been divorced and not had full time custody of my daughter. The last ( the widow) even told me she knew I loved her totally but it wasnt love and emotional support she needed – rather a father whose left his kids behind. She told a friend that she couldnt love anothers child, which I found horrid.Have I been very, very unlucky and met two selfish people, or do most women prefer divorced men as they dont have their children full time? I feel Im falling into the trap of thinking women are selfish?
D
hey everyone just thought i’d touch back with you. i feel i’ve turned a corner and the worst of my dealing with the break up with my Ex is over. here’s a funny story.
in the last week i’ve had two dreams about my Ex and after the dreams were over i woke up and for the first time in the last 4 months i didn’t feel sad.
the first dream took place at her parents house, i was sitting in her room and in the back ground there was this song by Ozzy Osbourne playing,..the name of the song was “I just want you.” during the worst of me crying and pinning over my Ex i played that song to death sitting there in my room going “why,..oh why did she leave me?” the main verse in the song that rang in my head was:”all i know at the end of the day,..i don’t ask much i just want you!! and anyway back to the dream, the song was playing and at that time (in my dream) i felt i was starting to get over her but that song brought back memories that i wanted to supress and with her playing it i was feeling all those old feelings for her coming back, so as she’s coming into the room after taking a shower she’s acting all happy and gleeful and even though she’s wrapped in a towel she’s primping her hair in the mirror she’s kind of ignoring me, off in her own world. i ask her to turn that song off,..she does nothing then i walk up to her and ask her: “do you mind?? please turn it off!!”,..and she replies: “why should i?” so i look at her and then walk out of the room,..i go into the kitchen and her parents are there. they see the troubled look on my face and they ask me to sit down,..we talk for awhile then her mother says something to me, i’m still trying to remember what exactly she said but after saying it i felt so much better about things,..the break up,..myself and my life in general. then her step-dad gave a really funny one-liner and we all had a huge laugh. after that i got up gave them both a hug an d told said good-bye to them and walked out of the house. then i woke up. and for the first time in the last 4 months since the break up i woke up not feeling sad.
now the second dream i had last night,..it was funny because she wasn’t in the dream per-say but what it was is that she. “my Ex” sent out a Public Email to everyone on her list,..it was one of those “CC” thingys when you send a mass Email i think. anyway it was public notice letting everyone know that the guy she’s having an affair with behind her current boyfriends back,.(the one she dumped me for) is leaving her.
for another woman and now she feels betrayed and broken hearted. and then i said Wow isn’t Karma a bitch? then i woke up. and had a laugh.
now a little back history,…she (my Ex) we talked about a month ago,..and she informed me that she was actually seeing someone behind her current BF’s back and the guy is married. so trying to be the “concerned friend/Ex Bf” i warned her that that was a bad idea since she is currently living with the new BF and she gave me such an indifferent responce to the whole situation that the “uh-oh” alarm went off in my head. and after talking it over with my friends it was a good thing she did dump me. i almost made a colossal mistake moving out to California to be with her, i knew she had “Issues” but after that revelation of her not being very faithful i was like WOW!! she has alot of growing up to do,.. and right now,..i don’t feel sorry for her,..i’m feeling sorry for the BF and the crap he’s gonna have to put up with from her now that he has her 24/7.
right now if you ask me how i’m feeling,..i’d have to tell you i’m alot better about a many of things and that i’m coming to terms with the reality that she was not the right one for me and that some higher power saved me from making what might’ve turned into a terrible mistake.
kinda funny what your subconscious can tell you in dreams huh?
I broke with my wife 1 year ago and lived together with another woman since. 2 weeks ago I moved back. Out of guilt for the 2 beautiful smart kids we have (2 and 5). I do not love her, I do not even like being with her but the kids missed me so much although I spent time with them continuously. In this other relationship I was sometimes cold and resentful but I know now that it was only because my feelings of guilt. I like(and now it seems to be love more than ever) her and I think that we could live happily together. My friends only increased this guilt and I was weak enough to make this step. I really feel very depressed and started crying quite easily (getting in touch with my soft side is very new to me
). Anyway… I don’t think I can live like that. I am aware that this could be just a phase but could use some advice. The story is more complicated and if you feel like helping, I’ll put it all in writing. Thx
I been wit my girl for 22 months. and she broke up with me about 2 weeks ago, she says she loves me and cares about me, but is not “in love” wit me anymore. She not “feelin” me. Anyways, she keeps callin, trying to talk 2 me, and i feel as if she playin games with me, it hurts so much to describe, im only 18, and i opened up to her like no other person in my life, so when she keeps calling i dont know what to think, she calls trying to be cute, acting as if we’ve never broke up, but what hurts the most is she says that she feels 2 weeks is long enough to talk 2 other guys, so i dont know what to do at all, with her calling and her comment on talking to other guys, what am i 2 do?!?!?!??!
My husband and I have seperated after 20 years of marriage – there are some trust issues with the finances that are my fault – he can’t trust me when it comes to money – I am now in therapy and working on these issues – I have stopped my credit card spending for the past year and a half and have really tried to resolve my issues – my husband has now asked for a divorce – says he can’t get over what I’ve done to him without it – seperate all financial matters – seperate houses and everything – okay so here’s where it get confusing to me – he says he loves me – he says that he can’t tell me it’s over because there might be a chance for us to start over – my question – is this just bs to get me to go along with the divorce or could he really me struggling with these issues – he’s been drinking quite heavily for about five years and within the past two weeks is being seen my a medical doctor and going to AA ( he’s not living at home – so I don’t know for a fact that’s happening). I am just stuck between wanting our marriage to work and not knowing if I should just let go and move on with my life without him.
I had my breakup at the end of January, then more drama for a couple of months. Since then Ive started to move on with my life. This website was a real help to me and I turned to it a lot.
Ive had a couple of dates recently and although I doubt things will get serious it was just a bit of fun. And its taught me to realise what amazing other people there are out there. When you break up with someone, all you can think about is your ex, and you want them and only them… but it is a good feeling when you can appreciate others.
i still feel a bit hurt inside, so im going to go really slow. I do get lonely at times, but im glad to be single rather than with the wrong guy. At least there’s some light in the tunnel now.
I have been married for nearly 20 years. Over that time our relationship has grown more and more distant. For the past 12 years, sex has slowly faded to where it was nearly non-existent. I am not happy and have become more an more depressed when I am home. I feel a huge amount of guilt because she is a good person and the mother of my two children.
5 months ago I started having an affair with another woman. We had been friends and things got out of hand. We both fell in love and she makes me very happy when we are together. Recently, however, she couldn’t deal with the affair, the guilt she felt and the fact that I was only able to give here half a relationship so she broke it off. I have offered to move out and separate from my wife, but she says she could not deal with the fact that she broke up a marriage.
I realize i need to deal with my marriage before even thinking about a relationship but I am miserable knowing that I have lost her. I can’t deal with the problems in my marriage while I am trying to get over her. I wish we could be together, but she says that is impossible.
I just need to get over her and then decide what I want to do about my marriage. I like my wife but I no longer love her.
Do I settle for an unfulfilled marriage for the sake of the kids and because I committed “til death do us part”? If I do, I am afraid I will cheat again.
Do I leave her and start new, knowing that this will hurt a lot of people?
hello all, ok so my boyfriend of two years broke up with my out of no where. I thought everything was perfect and he just told me he doesn’t have the spark anymore. This hurt alot. Then after a long emotional talk he said he wanted to try things again. Then the tension was just wierd with him so I had to ask if it was what he really wanted. He then came to say the same thing the spark isnt there. When i asked him if there is a chance we could ever work on things he said. He doesn’t know but for right now he needs to figure himself out and he doesnt want to have a relationship with anyone. He wants to be friends. He is leaving communication wtih me available. At the moment I am trying to speak to him as little as possible if not at all. I just had my first bite to eat in days and I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still love him and he apparently suddenly doesnt love me anymore. How can someone change their mind so fast? I wish we could be like other relationships and break up and get back together! I need a reality check but somehow I cant get one. SOMEONE HELP ME !
So I’m just turned 18, and I had my first real relationship thoughout the last year, and it lasted six months. I don’t know whether I’m just young and naive, but it was like nothing I had ever experienced, and I genuinely thought I was in love. I was blissfully happy for six months, but four months ago she dumped me (the day after Valentine’s day, I got her 12 roses, I got sod all) claiming “she needed space, we’re not in the same place”, and “we can get together during ther summer after our final exams are over.” At the time I thought she was telling the truth, but then I spotted her at a bar, wrapped around another guy. They’ve now been going out since and it’s killing me. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but is how my ex handled the situation and how she lyed to me and treated me not just a little bit harsh? any opinions or possible solutions to the awful feeling I’ve been carrying around for 4 months or anytime I see a photo of her or see her out and about would be appreciated.
Hi, Ive been able to take some advice from everyone elses stories but still need some help. My ex BF and I were together for 7 yrs with talk s of marriage and movign out together and everything. We are both 25. 2 yrs ago he broke my heart out of the blue and told me he just fell out of love with me and needed to be alone as neither of us had ever been. After 3 weeks of being apart he came back crying and beggin for me back, and also informed me he had been ‘curious’. And slept with another girl.
I was still madly in love and had fallen completely apart without him. So I took him back, but could not cope with the betrayel. and after 3 months he broke up with me again.
Then after another 3 weeks, he came back again and even proposed to me. It was beautiful and so special but i could not say yes, i just felt it was too soon not good timing. So we stayed together for another 2 yrs. With ups and downs and communication problems on both ends. He would get mad at me for things and not talk to me at all for about 2 weeks and I would throw stuff in his face stalling the relationship.
Finally just a few months ago after a fight he broke up with me again. Then yet again came back after 2 weeks. This time I kept somewhat distant, but still talked and hung out regularly. He promised this time he was for real and did want to marry my and would not give up or back off.
And after a month, somewhat at my doing because I brought up and old issue again that had been dealt with. and he got upset and became distant. After a few weeks of that I finally called it quits becuase i was going insane.
Its been a month and a half now I feel just as devasted as the first time we broke up. I know the relationship wasnt good anymore and you cant stay together cuz of love and good times once had but I miss him so much. Its still horrible to the point of having problems eating and concentrating and I all I think about is what i could have and should have done to make it work. I realize he did stuff as well but I feel like this is really my fault and I want him back more than anything. Anyone have any suggestions/advice
Hey guys
My boyfriend recently broke up with me we were friens for a a year and a half before we got togetehr he liked me but i ddint liek him then i started to gain feeligns for him so we decided we would try it out we were togetehr for 9 months now he is sayign his feelings have changed he just doesnt feel the same anymore but the ngiht we broke up i stayed at his house and he was acting like he was my boyfriend physicaly and emotionaly he means the world to me i just dont know what to do i dont want to let him go.
I wonder if any1 could tell me WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!
me and my ex broke up after a years very rocky, violent but loving and strong relationship may 2007. Its now july 2008, over a year.
I’m okay ive moved on and i go out with my friends,it was unbelievably tough and my life just turned right around overnight, that was hard to get used to.
Our break up was rough, but i decided i just couldnt go through torturing myself bein with some1 who controls my life under complete and unecessary jealousy. He was over the top, when we broke up he came to my house at 2 in the morning and sat on my front garden begging me not to do this, threatening to commit suicide, he even got a knife to his neck and pretended to slash his throat, it was absaloutely unbearable to break his heart, but mine was already that way and had been for some time, long enough to become numb and shut down from him. anyway enough of that morbidity!!!
i’ve had boyfriends since who ive really liked.
The problem is i just know my heart wanders back to his. Its kind of strange really and so frustrating because i know i am over him and i could easily move on with my life, he lives on the other side of the country and i hardly see him for flippin hells sake! Theres never any connection there when i do see him, hes not the same person.
its just no matter what has happened, my feelings for him (or the old him) will never change.and i dont seem to want a relationship unless its back with him, probably because its easier to pick up where we left off since i have BIG trust issues from the relationship.
i am over him but maybe this is meant to be?
what to i need to do to fully move on or are we actually supossed to be together (if there was there was no way on earth i would be with him anyway)
im happy with my friends and very happy usually, but when i’ve time to think, like when im in the shower or when im sat in bed alone, or when something significant happens to me, i just wish he was around to share all we used to, but at the same time i’d much rather NOT be thinking that.
Maybe i just need to keep looking and find someone else?
CONFUUUUSED.COM!!!!!!!!!!
any suggestions will do cheers people!!!
I got really drunk and fought with my boyfriend. I hit him and he never wants to see me again. He wont take me back. How will I get over losing my sweet boyfriend and come to terms with what I have done. Im not violent, it was a drunk thing, but Im ready to check into the mental ward over the pain and regret of what I done. I read that a break up is similar to grief. This feels different, disturbing. Im 27. Ive never felt this way and Im scared. nothing helps. Friends, shopping,walking the dog, work. I had a friend once that NEVER got over her ex, she cried everyday for 7years and still cries when someone mentions his name. Is that even possible. Could this happen to me?
Hi there,
Firstly before I share my story, Catherine I get completely where you are coming from, I have gotten drunk with my boyfriend before and thats where all the inner anger comes out, remember to not blame yourself. It was something that happened that at the time was out fo your control, It’s in the past and I feel the only way that you caneven try to get over it is by forgiving yourself first. I too am terrifed I will not get over the love of my life. but at the end of the day, it’s up to you if you want to get over this person or not. even as I write this i realise how difficult it is, believe me. I feel like my heart will never meand. but one day we will both eb strong enough to move on. I hope.:(
I am completely heartbroken, and am slightly releaved I have somewhere to go that people are as heartbroken as I feel now. I’ve been with my boyfriend who I am madly in love with for a year and 2 months and after this weekend with him I have the most terrible feeling he is going to dump me. He doesn’t want to know me anymore, he’s so rude that I end up sobbing, It’s the most terrible feeling having someone you love so much have such little respect and love for you back(or when it suits him) I feel completly destroyed. he’s told me so many terrible things about what I’m like (apparently) that I believe them now, and if I’m that kind of person then I don’t want to live. It sounds very over dramatic but I really am at a low point. Like Catherine said, nothing helps. I just end up staring into space and crying, I know what’s coming, how can I make the blow easier? I can’t eat, I sleep just to stop thinking, He’s treated me so badly lately that I feel helpless and like nothing. I have got nothing more to give.
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Good Mornng Everyone,
I have been reading all of your situations and can relate to quite a few of them. I was in a 11 plus year relationship. We were off and on alot due to my wanting to hang with my friends in the early stages. She left me back in Feb 08. I am 31 years old and really wish I would have acted different. I found out through a friend that she is seeing someone else now. It hurts sooo bad to think of her with someone else. She is an amazing person. I am having a very tough time right now. I was told she has pictures of her and this new guy on her myspace page kissing at a birthday party she threw for him. To twist the knife, this party went on the same weekend we would have celebrated my birthday. It is amazing how somone so close can change and you become “just that guy she used to know”. My first reaction was to email or text her to let her know I knew. Why do that? If she wanted to be with me, she would. Right? I am so confused and hurt. I wanted to have childern and a life with this person. I feel like I am stuck in limbo right now. I am very picky when it comes to finding someone new. I feel like I will be alone forever. I guess the only thing to do is to try and better myself from this. I started going back to the gym and doing new things. This is the first time ever doing anything like this! I just bought a computer today.
Hi everyone,
Im so frustrated with love. it took a while but i did get over my breakup earlier this year, mainly by surrounding myself with my friends and keeping myself healthy.
since then ive had a few dates with guys. but im so annoyed. 3 guys now have essentially all ditched me by choosing to ignore me as a way of giving me the message. its hurtful and frustrating.
the first guy was soon after the break up so added to the pain of it. the second guy i met a few weeks back and there was a huge spark with him. it was so passionate between us, things were amazing… then one night we spoke briefly, he said he’d call the next night then nothing!!! i was gutted.
and today im supposed to be dating a guy who i had dated before and he’s not called or answered my text!!! its so rude. and i dont know why this keeps happening? i do play it cool and dont come on strong.
i would prefer to be told “see you later and no thanks” than just being ignored. theres nothing worse than hoping and waiting for a call that doesnt come.
this dating game sucks.
It is very comforting to read so many people going through the same emotions and getting over it. I need to share my experience too. I loved a girl dearly for three years and we split a few weeks ago. The reason for the split was not that she didn’t love me or i didn’t love her, but because her parents didnt approve of our relationship and got her forcibly engaged to a guy six months ago. She tried to break out of the engagement for six months but her family put so much psychological pressure on her that she gave up. She is now trying to get over me and broke all contact. I called her yesterday and hearing my voice she cut the phone followed by a message saying that she is sorry but she can’t talk to me anymore. She also said stuff like she can’t get over me but she is trying hard and she can’t be just friends with me as well. Basically she is now being forced into her marriage.I feel more miserable because of the pain she is going through than my own. To think she will now have to live with a guy she doesn’t love or respect breaks my heart.I try not to think about her but she comes in my dreams.The hope that she will come back also refuses to die though i know its impossible now. Has anyone been through a similar situation? How can i get over the guilt and the loss? Is there any hope she will come back to me someday?
So me and my girlfriend just broke up two days ago after 2.5 years. I have been in a couple of other long term relationships, so dealing with break ups (doing and recieving the break up) is not new. The problem I am having is that I was really thinking the relationship was moving to the next level. We moved in with each other just for the summer and thats when she said the doubts started. Later on in the summer we went to Europe together and backpacked for two weeks. Everything in Europe went great and we both had a great time, and then 3 days after we get home she says she wants to break up. I was completely blindsided by this, and I am a very attentive person and usually have a good read on people, especially my GF. She said she just doesnt feel the same way that she did when we started going out, and that she fell out of love. She cant describe it, but says its a gut feeling. I can’t blame her for this decision because a relationship takes two people, but I can’t get over how blindsided I was, and how much I am in love with her. I am secretly wishing that she will realize the mistake she made and want to get back together, but I know that is unhealthy and even if it were to happen our relationship would never be the same.
I know that this happened recently so I’m still trying to figure out my feelings and thoughts, but I’ve never been in a situation where my love for her is as high as its ever been, and then she literally one day stops loving me, and I get caught off guard. She is a great girl and we had a great relationship, but I can’t believe this happened. What can I do?
fraser123, Something just doesn’t sound right about your situation? This sounds more like something from the middle ages, an arranged wedding? You sound like a great person. Are you sure she is not just telling you her parents are forcing this to save your feelings? My ex told alot of mistruths to me trying not to hurt my feelings bro. Make sure you are careful. If it is meant to be, it will be. Hang in there.
scotty, thanks for the kind words. I don’t know what to think actually. She is Asian and things like arranged marriage are common in their culture. I know her parents don’t approve because of cultural differences and they told me so.Its also possible she wants to breakup without hurting my feelings. Honestly, my feelings would have been less hurt if she broke up with me because of choice. But to face this uncertainity of not knowing if its a personal choice on her end or whether it is happening despite her loving me is hard.Well like you said if it is meant to be it will be. Thanks and hope you get over your heartbreak soon too.Your ex does not seem to deserve someone like you……
I dated this amazing guy for a year and two months, and I really thought that he was the one for me. I’m only 16 and he’s turning 17 soon and we both thought that we were going to get married. We fought a lot constantly over stupid little things, and we broke up constantly. We were both immature in our relationship and took each other for granted. Well it turns out that he didn’t want to get back together with me. He wanted space to hang out with his guy friends and focus on senior year. I was waiting for him, and i respected his decision even though i was devastated. About 11 days later I was informed that he was already talking to a new girl he met recently at summer school. He was trying to tell me but I ignored his calls for two days.A few days after he called me and told me he still had feelings for me and loved me. Now he’s having to pick between her and me. What should I do? He’s known her for maybe only 4 weeks and he has been dating me for a year and 2 months! I’m killing myself over this. Was what we had for the past year and 2 months worth throwing away for this new girl?
Thank you fraser123. I can see that maybe the difference in culture might be a major factor in this. Hang in there.
Anonymous- You are still pretty young, get out there and have some fun with your friends and don’t worry too much about setteling down. You have plenty of time and a bright future to look forward to. I know it hurts right now, you will be OK!!
Reading the messages here has helped me in dealing with my breakup. I caught my girlfriend of 1 year with another guy, but she said it was her cousin. I knew it wasnt and then I caught her again two days later having lunch together. She still claimed it was her cousin. I didn’t speak to her for a week, but we work together so we meet to talk. She cried and told me she was sorry and finally admitted that the guy was not her cousin. The bad thing is that we have slept together numurous times after that and I know that is a no no. The last think she said to me was that she loved me and missed me. She went out of town and said she would call, but havent hear from her since, but i havent called her either. I have great female friend who has been there for me throughout this whole mess, but I feel like I’m using her to get over my ex.
I still have feeling for my ex, but i know she isnt a good person. Our relationship was not much of one because she could not keep her words when she said she would call or come by. She did that a alot and was the cause for 99% of our arguments. I guess I should have seen the signs then, but you know what they say love does strange thing to you.
I wanna get over her,but I dont want to use this person to ease my pain. Need some advise.
T.C, Be careful with your female friend. The last thing you want to do is lose her freindship. The best thing to do would to be honest with her and tell her you enjoy her company and are not looking to get into anything soon ( assuming she is interested in you romantically) I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. The female friend just happened to be my ex though. I did not want to get back together with her. Slowly, we became serious again. Now look at me, in the trenches of heartbreak with the rest of you. I really enjoy this site. Knowing other people are going through the same type of feelings is a real help.
I just broke up with my fiance 3 days ago. We have been together for 8 years and it turned into a long distant relationship. He eventually cheated on me with someone and I found out 1 month later. I am so hurt now. We had a condo (luckly it was not in my name)together and that was our life before he left for work in May. I am so mad that I feel like punching a wall. We were arguing alot because he was not communicating and just partying all the time. Not saving money for us to start a family. What do I do to stop crying and feel good that I am finally free from a person who would hurt me so much? It is so hard. He was my first real relationship out of high school. Reading this post gave me a little hope but the whole “time will heal the wounds” is really hard when you think about living your life without the person you love so much.
Similar to Stephen’s situation, I was engaged for 2 1/2 years and have been seeing him for almost 4 years. He just broke up with me recently citing that its my attitude and constant pressure of the wedding plans and preparations that led him to this decision. He also mentioned he is falling in-love with another woman and other issues that dates back 8 months ago. Reasons I was not even aware he has taken against me. Its just unfair since our family and friends have accepted us and the engagement. He works in a different country for a year now and we are in a long distance relationship.
What hurts me is he just broke up with me through a sms/text message and never really gave an effort to call or meet me in person. I even went abroad to see him in person and was surprised to know how angry he is to me. He is a bit passive and would rather not start a confrontation. We had an almost “perfect relationship” back home with minimal to no fights at all. We were the envy of our friends and family with our strong relationship.
I was surprised to know he has been keeping this feeling all this time. I m just disappointed with the betrayal, mistrust and lack of respect. I even sought help from a therapist to help me move on.
Its hard to keep moving on knowing that I am in denial of the break-up and his reasons. Probably I will never know the real reason from him. Please give me tips on how to forget and accept this situation.
Pia,
It takes a time. Let time do it’s thing. A good friend once told me that. It is hard to do, trust me I know. My ex and I have been split since Feb. I know she is involved with someone else. You hear things through the grapevine (even when you don’t want to). How I am getting over her is the no contact at all approach. Absolutely NONE! I made several attempts to get back with her the first 6 months. She gave me just enough to keep me coming back. She denied having a boyfriend. She said her and this new guy had been out a few times, that’s all. Yeah right, this dude and her are an item. Good for them.