Let me tell you an interesting story which you no doubt will relate to. One day I was walking the golf course, caddying for my older brother Nathan, a professional golfer, who was playing a regional qualifier for the Australian Open. He started the day strongly with a few shots under par, but the turning point came on the eleventh hole when he hit a bad two-iron from the tee on a par 4. Being a left-hander, he pulled the golf ball left where it ended out-of-bounds. Following that eradicate shot, his quality of play did not improve for the rest of the day.

At the end of the round, he had fail to qualify for the national tournament by two shots. In the clubhouse where we had a drink, we talked about what he did well and what he could have done better, “I was surprised by the quality of your chip shots and game around the greens.” I remarked. “Everything went within 2 meters of the pin.” Not to concerned about the disappointed day, Nathan replied, “Yeah, you’re right. My wedge game was strong today. Just…” to which I interrupted and said, “The eleventh 2-iron.” He echoed my words, “Spot on, the eleventh 2-iron.”

I let him continue to talk as his words almost perfectly described the words in my mind. Something happened between our minds. It was like a magic trick taking place. A mystical cable was connecting our minds which lead to strange psychological phenomena.

It seemed we had almost psychic powers. I wasn’t just reading his mind, he was also reading mine. There was a shared connection, a relaying of thoughts exchanged between minds. The distance between two brains was removed as two minds overcame physical boundaries to connect with one another.

There was no two persons trying to talk to one another frustrated in their misunderstandings. There was no interpretation, judgments, or confusion about what each other meant. We were so attuned to one another that we did not even have to say a word and we would have understood what was on the other person’s mind.

What happened here? Was it just a fluke, a lucky break? Were psychic powers at work? How does psychology explain this? How can you use this information to read someone’s mind?

We Were Born to Connect: We Have Innate Psychological and Physiological Connections

In 328 BC, Aristotle said humans are social animals. Nowadays, more and more evidence is showing that humans are born to connect with one another. There is much fascinating research on psychology, sociology, neuroscience, and child development which is slowly revealing how we connect with others in our relationships.

From birth, a baby prefers his or her mother’s voice, sight, and smell than that of a stranger’s. The mother is more connected to the baby than an outsider. As the baby grows, other attachments form. Should a babysitter come over to look after the toddler as the mother leaves the house, the toddler experiences separation anxiety and clings to the mother’s leg. (The anxiety is important for survival and avoiding dangerous situations.) The child can be joyous 10 seconds prior to seeing the babysitter, but the sight of the stranger creates fear in the child and leads to large amounts of distress.

As the mother leaves the house, she feels her child’s anxiety. The child may say no words or cry no tears, yet the mother is able to mind-read her child’s emotional state. She is able to feel exactly what the child is feeling. There is a mind-to-mind and mind-to-body connection taking place.

Interpersonal communication is not just about direct channels – the channels like verbal and nonverbal communication which is obvious to people. We are often well aware of people’s words and body language. Reading someone’s mind goes to the next level. When you know another person well enough, you pick-up on indirect channels that give you hunches about the other person. Nothing needs to be said or expressed nonverbally; it is your intuition, almost a sixth sense, that tells you what the person is thinking.

We do not just connect through words, we connect at a biological level. Our bodies can adjust to match someone else’s body. When we are so deeply connected to someone during a conversation, our posture, movements, and heart rate match each other. This power gives us the ability to control another’s mood. A mother can relieve her distressed baby with her soothing voice. While our psychology influences our physiology, and vice-a-versa; our psychology, as well as our physiology, can affect someone else’s psychology and physiology.

Social and emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman is a leader in the mind-to-mind, and mind-to-body, connections we share with each other. In a New York Times article, Goleman discusses the powerful connection we share with one another. He refers to one study which measured a female’s anxiety, and holding hands with someone, prior to receiving an electric shock. When the female held hands with a stranger, she remained distressed. However, when she held her husband’s hand, she was able to keep calm. Brain scans confirmed little activity in the emotional parts of her brain when the wife held her husband’s hand.

You Have Superpowers

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napoleon Hill (1883-1970), author of the classic Think and Grow Rich!

“The greatest reward is to know that one can speak and emit articulate sounds and utter words that describe things, events and emotions.” – Camilo Jose Cela, Spanish writer and recipent of the 1989 Nobel Prize in Literature

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” – Meryl Streep (1949-present), American actress

Because we were born to connect with one another, each of us has innate abilities to connect with others. Believe it or not, everyday we are reading each other’s minds. Whether a friend is asking for your opinion on their clothes, a boss wanting your input on a coworker’s performance, or a child asking for a gift, you receive what feels like sixth sense signals that tell you how to respond. When a friend asks for your opinion on their clothes, you can almost determine what they are thinking. You have memories, empathy, and gut-feelings about the person’s thoughts that tell you how to respond.

You already have “superpowers”, an ability to determine another’s state. If you did not have such abilities, you would fail miserably in your relationships; you would fail to intimately connect with your partner; you would struggle to persuade others as your negotiation skills would be insufficient to determine what the other person really wants; you would not be able to sense when someone is manipulating you. Without this “superpower” to read someone’s mind, we would struggle to cooperate and connect with people.

Unfortunately, the less time you spend with someone and the more distanced you are with them, you become less able to read a person’s mind. As I’m sure you know, we don’t have perfect abilities to cue into another person’s thoughts. If it were that perfect, there would be little reason to communicate as we would know exactly what everyone is thinking. The assumptions we have get us into trouble.

It seems that a couple intimately connected to one another should know what their partner is thinking because time in a close relationship helps build the individual’s mind-to-mind connection. Married people might be laughing at reading that. Too many married couples can recall many occasions when their partner did not have a clue as to what they were thinking – yet alone, what they were thinking when they tried to explain themselves.

William Ickes, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Arlington, is the leading expert in empathic accuracy. Ickes says misunderstandings in marriages occurs from a lack of insight into their partner’s way of thinking. While you may be motivated to understand your partner early on in a relationship, during the first few years of marriage most people’s empathy for their partner decreases because they become overly confident in understanding their partner says Ickes.

It may seem contradictory, but assumptions destroy your ability to read someone’s mind. Reading someone’s mind is not about guessing or making-up information to come to a conclusion of what the person is thinking, it is about being immersed in the present as you allow yourself to be absorbed by the person’s reality. You come to act as the person acts, feel as the person feels, and think as the person thinks. Assuming you know this information destroys your human powers to read someone’s mind.

Becoming a Better Superhero: Mind-Reading Tricks

“The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.” – Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third President of the United States

“In nature we never see anything isolated, but everything in connection with something else which is before it, beside it, under it and over it.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famed German writer

“Every reader, if he has a strong mind, reads himself into the book, and amalgamates his thoughts with those of the author.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You can smile and the whole world smiles with you. That is the magic of “emotional contagion”, a term created by psychologists to describe the infectious nature of emotions. If you frown as you walk around at work, you will infect coworkers with your sour mood as you make them feel a little more miserable. This connection we have with one another is there for a reason: it connects us! Emotional contagion plays a very important role in connecting people together.

Without emotional contagion, we would be separate to each other; we would have little concern about other people’s feelings; we would be unable to read into another’s mind. The more you get infected by someone’s emotional state, the better mind-reading skills you will have with that person. Taking on the person’s reality by allowing yourself to become infected with their emotions, gives you the ability to infer their thoughts. Some psychologists allows the transference of emotions to take place which gives them the ability to peer into their client’s inner world. This gives them the ability to discover a thought or feeling their client is not yet aware of.

In Goleman’s Social Intelligence, he discusses the amazing mind-to-mind connection, a connection that transcends physical boundaries. When a couple are highly engaged with one another, Goleman says, “Such mental intimacy bespeaks an emotional closeness; the more satisfied and communicative a couple, the more accurate their mutual mind-reading.” The intimacy of our communication controls the degree we can connect with others.

The intimacy of our communication that creates a psychic connection has a neurological explanation explains Goleman in his book, Social Intelligence. It is not some unexplained magical power, but neurological adjustment. As we communicate with someone and experience what other people experience, our neurons form pathways. These neural pathways unconsciously direct messages to form our sixth sense that gives us gut-feelings about what people are thinking. “Our trains of association run on set tracks, circuits of learning and memory.” says Goleman. “Once any of these trains has been primed, even by a simple mention, that track stirs in the unconscious, beyond the reach of our active attention.”

Intimate communication that shapes the brain can only be achieved by intimately sharing another person’s reality. Quietening your inner dialog makes you more able to detect another’s emotions. Without inner silence, empathy becomes a difficult task because there is no two-way communication. Think back to a time when you were really angry with someone you were talking to. Your anger was illogical as it caused you to do things you later regretted. You did not care about what the other person felt, you were just concerned with releasing your anger and telling him or her how you felt. (The 10th chapter on emotions and logic in my communication secrets program can solve this problem for you.)

You need to manage your self-awareness and emotions, through emotional mastery and meditation, to stabilize yourself so that you can better connect with people. Better emotional management helps your mind-reading skills and improve your relationships. Four researchers in a study titled Physiologic Correlates of Perceived Therapist Empathy and Social-Emotional Process During Psychotherapy found that therapists and patients who felt the same had a more positive relationship. Having similar feelings is related to a better relationship.

The researchers from the study say that talking uses a different part of the brain than emotional responses. Being a blabber-mouth kills your ability to emotionally connect with people and read their mind. Listening plays a huge role in connecting minds. By talking too much, we block-out our biological ability to feel what another person feels, and hence fail to build a connection akin to mind-reading.

As you quieten your inner dialog so you can tune yourself into the person’s emotions, be aware that their thoughts and desires will not be the same as your thoughts and desires. Psychologists call this a “theory of mind” where we determine people’s mental states and acknowledge the differences to our own mental states. Body language and other cues helps us achieve this seemingly psychic power.

Annie Murphy Paul, in a Psychology Today article titled “Mind Reading”, says that body language cues such as facial expressions are a good way to tap into people’s thoughts. “We tend to focus on others’ eyes, and that helps us.” says Paul. “The many surrounding muscles make eyes a richer source of clues than other parts of the face: downcast in sadness, wide open in fright, dreamily unfocused, staring hard with jealousy, or glancing around with bored impatience.”

While the eyes play an important role in determining someone’s thoughts, as does other nonverbal signals like voice, “it’s the content of speech that contributes most to our success at mind reading” says Paul. Meaning is not always directly in words, but words give us insight into people’s way of thinking. It is next to impossible to read the mind of a person who is speaking another language.

Another trick you can use – which is one of the biggest tricks – to read a person’s mind is to keep learning about communication, personal development, and human psychology. As you learn more about yourself, you learn more about other people. You come to understand what people feel, how we act, and what we think in certain situations. It is crazy how good I am now at digging into someone’s mind and knowing what is going through their minds in a conversation. I know how people react to many statements, the feelings one has during certain moments, and how to shift all this around to make it work for me.

Because of our power to look into someone’s mind, there needs to be a word of warning about your mind-reading superpowers. Before you go out and use the magic tricks of mind-reading, a series of techniques that use our innate ability to connect with one another, use your powers wisely. Empathy expert Ickes, with his academic partner Jeffry Simpson, advise people against the surprising dangers of empathy. “Empathic accuracy and understanding can be bad for relationships.” writes Ickes and Simpson in their study Managing Empathic Accuracy in Close Relationships. “While accurate understanding should be good for relationships as a general rule, too much understanding in certain contexts may have deleterious consequences.”

Diagnosing is one such example of a poor application of mind-reading skills, which is discussed in my communication secrets program. We diagnose others when we express people’s intentions as we try to act above others. You can try to mind-read your partner by diagnosing them (“You’re just jealous”, “Why do you always try to argue with me?”, or “Liar, I know what you really mean”) and hurt the relationship as a result of your diagnosis.

As you learn more about communication, you may be tempted to use the communication barrier of diagnosing because you will understand the human mind more than before. Just as a partner in a marriage gets into relationship-trouble by assuming they understand their partner, the same happens when you are overly confident about understanding how our minds work.

The sad thing about diagnosing is it does not matter how accurate you can diagnose someone. Merely assuming or revealing their intentions makes people defensive. Your superpowers and all the tricks you’ve been given to read someone’s mind that are suppose to connect two people together, ends up separating them.

We were born to connect with one another. Each of us innate abilities that enable us to read each other’s minds. The advice in this article can help you fine-tune this natural ability into great power, but as with any power comes responsibility. Use your mind powers wisely young Jedi. Know when to get into someone’s head and when to stay out. It is not the power to read another person’s mind that will give you great power with people, for that is a skill we all have; rather, having the skill to keep on understanding people is what will give you power. After all, understanding is the purpose of wanting to peer into someone’s mind.

This is a review of Carol Fleming’s The Sound of Your Voice, an audio program created to improve your voice.

What better way to improve the quality of your voice than to listen to a speech expert teach the skills she has learned for several decades. Since 1968, Carol Fleming as ran her private speech communication consultancy in the San Francisco Bay Area. Having earned her doctorate in communication disorders from Northwestern University, she has made her vocal techniques available in her entertaining audio program.

You can buy books on improving your voice, such as Renee Grant-Williams’ Voice Power, but until you hear a good voice and are able to break it down into specific reasons why it is good, you will be speaking in hope that your technique is correct. Understanding what is a good voice, the qualities of a good voice, and being able to transfer this understanding into your voice through practical exercises is vital – all things covered in The Sound of Your Voice.

The program isn’t a boring dictation of a book. It is an entertaining, well produced, free-flowing program. Fleming is the primary speaker accompanied by Wesley, a Brit with a soothing accent. I’m not particularly fond of British accents, having an Australian one myself “mate”, yet it is enjoyable to hear the two talk about speaking. Moreover, the program is not two people conversing about talking – it is a well produced program that contains real-life examples, entertaining sounds, and many speakers with diverse voice qualities that Fleming dissects. It is a lively program.

You won’t be caught up in technicalities when doing the program. It is a simple, effective, and teaches what Fleming has studied, practised, and taught for many years. The program will show you:

• How to add vocal vitality to your voice so you are not boring. Men especially struggle to remove their monotone voice and speak with vitality.
• How to speak in a powerful, mature manner. While men struggle with a monotone voice, women sometimes struggle to convey power in their voice.
• How to eliminate or change your accent.
• Breathing exercises to support your voice.
• How to removing annoying content from your speech like filler words and superlatives.
• How to speak clearly and smoothly articulate each word.
• What to do to get your voice ready for speaking.
• And plenty more.

The vocal exercises in the program is what took my voice to the next level. I have always struggled to understand resonance and getting my voice to vibrate clearly from the front of mouth for better articulation, and a simple exercise has helped me to do just that.

If you want to improve your voice, Carol Fleming’s The Sound of Your Voice is the way to go. It is the best voice program I have come across. You can grab your copy from Amazon by clicking here today.

This is a review of Renee Grant-Williams’ Voice Power: Using Your Voice to Captivate, Persuade, and Command Attention.

Have you ever wondered why some people can grab people’s attention and make them listen to their every word? If your voice isn’t as powerful as you want it to be, you can learn to make it resonate with a powerful clarity. Renee Grant-Williams will show you how in Voice Power.

Having worked with celebrities and singers such as Garth Brooks, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and The Dixie Chicks, Grant-Williams has established herself as an authority on improving the human voice. You don’t need to be a singer or even a public speaker to improve your voice – having a better voice will help you whenever you say a word. Whether you’re disciplining children, motivating employees, seducing a partner, or teaching a workshop, a better voice helps get your point across and make it stick.

Voice Power isn’t about getting you to speak loudly. In fact, volume was mentioned rarely in the book. It is more about creating the support and resonance for a commanding voice that comes with little effort. The basis behind the book is good breathing. When we were babies, we naturally breathed well. We lost good breathing habits when we were taught to puff-out our chest and hold our heads high – two techniques that bring tension into a voice. The breathing techniques will have you relaxing, improving your balance, reducing stress, minimizing muscular tension, and improving your voice.

Using powerful consonants where you elongate important consonants is yet another powerful piece of advice that goes against common knowledge of elongating vowels. Saying “Ssstop it nnnowww” is more powerful than “Stooop it nooow”. I think you’ll find many things clicking in your mind, that previously didn’t make sense or proves other advice wrong, with the author’s simple and effective teachings in the book.

Other central techniques in the book include silence, rhythm, and volume. Grant-Williams describes a musical beat to speaking that is extremely valuable – especially for when you prepare a speech. Elvis Presley’s singing technique, posture, and body positioning is used to demonstrate and breakdown a beautiful sounding voice.

The last section in the book deals with voice care. Getting enough water, eating well, exercising, using a humidifier to keep the air moist are a few of the tips shared by the author. The author also discusses some common problems with unhealthy voices such as reflux and nodes to ensure you don’t have a health ailment limiting your speaking abilities.

Overall, it is a great book on powering-up your voice and making it sound richer. I found myself pulling many pieces of advice and techniques from it. Make your voice count because it has so much power in making a good impression on others. Make your voice an asset that shows you’re a confident and powerful by getting a copy of Voice Power. You can grab your copy from Amazon by clicking here today.

“Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth.” – Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837)

“Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of which the purpose is too deep, going too deep in the blood and soul, for mental explanation or description.” – David Herbert Lawrence (1885-1930), English writer who often criticized modern living’s negative influence on humans

“Few people have the imagination for reality.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famous German writer

The truth is harsh. Lies, deception, misunderstandings, illusions, distortions, and deceit is much easier for our minds to accept than the truth due to its cushioning effect on the problems we ignore. It is easy-going, versatile, and satisfying to believe myths. Other times we accept myths over truth because we don’t know the difference. Moreover, a relationship expert, counselor, or psychologist may have mislead you in believing a myth is truth. Whatever the case maybe, this article is sure to shake up your communication belief and shock you into reality – allowing you to communicate more effectively.

Originally I was struggling to complete 10 myths for this article, but after brainstorming, researching, observing people communicate, coaching people on their communication skills, asking tens of thousands of subscribers on communication myths, and picking out myths from my buried notes, 15 myths fitted surprisingly snug. I believe all these myths need to be revealed, cleared, and truth be told so we are better empowered to improve our personalities and relationships.

The greatest myths of communication are arranged in order depending on their frequency and strength in people’s minds. From lies, illusions, flawed teaching, and misunderstandings, it’s time to debunk the top 15 all-time myths of communication:

#15 Myth: Logic makes communication effective

Logic destroys relationships. The next time you see two people in an argument, watch them focus on the logical level. Each person will give facts of which the other doesn’t care about. The content and logical focus of a conversation has been the demise of many relationships.

When bland words and facts are focused upon, causing emotions to be overlooked, the relationship suffers. Intelligence, reasoning, and rationality are fine. Problems can arise when logic gets center of attention in a conversion, especially during conflict. No one cares about who did what right and who did what wrong. We don’t have relationships because of a person’s logic.

Stop focusing on the content of conversations. Look beyond the words to see emotion. Start caring about people’s emotions towards the content of conversations because relationships are fueled by emotion. Even in business communications you need to focus on emotion. We want others to understand how we feel instead of pointing out the facts. When you understand humans are creatures of emotion, and that we are predictably irrational, you enable yourself to have great charisma and persuasive power. I recommend you read chapter 10 of my communication secrets for full details on how to communicate emotions.

#14 Myth: Effective communication is about telling the truth

I know this myth will be interpreted by readers in a different way than how I had intended it to be interpreted, so I’ve done my best to explain the myth. A person who always tells the blunt truth is disliked by those who always get told the truth. Truth-tellers use the excuse of “I tell it how it is.” and “If people can’t deal with reality, it’s their problem.” They may even see their need to tell the truth as a virtue.

The truth we tell others often manifests itself into harsh criticism that gets thrown back into our faces and results in nothing productive. When you reveal the truth, people may respond by becoming overly emotional, defensive, or argumentative. Therefore, not telling the truth can lead to more effective communication. I’m not advocating you to give people enormous amounts of praise when they sucked at something or to live a deceptive life. The purpose in lying is to help you and those who you lie to.

Leil Lowndes in How to Talk to Anyone advises people to lie when giving immediate feedback following a person who finishes a critical performance. She advises people to compliment someone on a public speech for example, when they performed poorly. Don’t go overboard with your lie by giving excessive praise; rather, tell a little lie, a temporary light sprinkle of sugar, to sweeten the situation. “Big Winners realize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momentary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth.” says Lowndes. “They also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect they screwed up, it won’t matter.”

Good people skills involve empathy and lying at appropriate times. The art of empathy, a skill where you feel what other people feel and communicate the feeling, involves lying. You can lie when it is more helpful for the truth to be ignored than if it were given. A few hours or days following the lie may be more appropriate to tell the truth should you think the truth needs to be told. By telling the truth at a later time, you provide the person with feedback that you feel is beneficial.

Lying serves its purpose in maintaining a healthy relationship under the conditions I’ve given. Please don’t misinterpret my recommendation to occasionally lie as an excuse for hiding the truth when truth should be told.

#13 Myth: Communication solves everything

As someone who teaches communication skills, this myth is something I’d like to believe! Unfortunately, communication does not solve all conflict and relationship problems. Sometimes the greatest charismatically persuasive communication cannot solve relationship issues.

Marina Benjamen, Ph.D. of Psych Central sees a frequent scenario in couples counseling. Couples have no “serious” problem. Both partners can vouch for no drinking, abuse, or infidelity. The problem? They just don’t communicate. A lack of communication can happen for many reasons, but by itself it rarely leads to relationship resolutions. “Good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with,” says Benjamen, “can promote a more open and intimate connection.”

I’ve come to notice a transition point in people who adopt this myth of communication solving everything. The general public are vaguely advised that “communication is important in relationships”. Few people, like yourself, who go one step further by learning conflict management, emotional mastery, and self awareness for example, come to realize how communication greatly benefits their lives. The more we learn and develop ourselves, the more emphasis we place on communication. Eventually, we come to believe that any argument, relationship break-up, or person who doesn’t like us comes from poor communication.

Think of a worldly issue, like abortion or the death penalty, that you have a strong stance on. Do you think someone with opposing views who communicates well would change your mind? If you really believe in your stance on the issue, then communication isn’t going to change your mind. You and I have religious, political, and personal values that disallows communication to solve everything.

Communication forms the bridge in a relationship so it makes sense to assume the problems coming and going must exist on the bridge. Communication is a way of building bridges. If either side has a serious enough foundational problem, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

People ask, “What things can I say and do to make people like me?” This is the wrong type of thinking! Most effective communication is doomed before you even open your mouth. Becoming charismatic and persuasive starts from within you. Changing people’s behavior starts from within you. And having intimate, sharing, and loving relationships starts within you. Change your life by changing your thinking. Good relationships happen by developing yourself and not just by having good communication.

I steer my focus away from telling people to say rehashed lines in certain situations because no magical line can effectively work when you are incongruent with your words. You can say one brilliant communication line; but how you feel and think is a more powerful influence in your life. My communication secrets of making people like you program gets you deeply understanding yourself and other people so that you can begin communicating more intimately, powerfully, persuasively, and charismatically.

#12 Myth: Learning communication makes you a better communicator

We are at a global health crisis. Doctors have repeatedly said that the large percentage of health problems in Western countries comes from choices controllable by those who suffer such health ailments. We are in control of drinking, eating, smoking, stressing, and exercising. The global health crisis is not occurring because we haven’t learned the implications of the evil five of health – we all know what happens when ignoring these – but the problem comes from our inability to change. Like communication, learning about a health problem doesn’t automatically make you better.

Learning communication only makes you a better communicator when the learning is based on behavioral change. Even failing at a new skill makes you a better communicator because you went out and did something. Stop trying to intellectualize everything and just give it a go. You’ll become a better communicator when you just do it.

#11 Myth: Communication is one-way

Radios, televisions, and many electrical devices in the home communicate a message that sends one-way messages. Unfortunately, it seems our relationships are often the same. At times it appears other people, and ourselves, talk in a way that ignores others. However, there is still two-way communication – just not good two-way communication.

Communication in human relationships is two-way. Even “one-way communication” like public speaking is two-way. We have eyes and ears that absorb people’s communication. Whether you choose to do something with this gathered information to improve your relationships, increase your charisma, or boost your persuasion is up to you. It is up to you if you choose to empathize, laugh at, pay attention to, or ignore another person’s communication, but their communication still exists. Several other myths, as you will soon discover, nicely tie into this myth.

#10 Myth: Intellectual intelligence equates to good communication

Emotionally intelligent people are often good communicators, but they are not necessarily intellectually smart. Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ says, “IQ and emotional intelligence are not opposing competencies, but rather separate ones.” A person with a high IQ doesn’t automatically get high emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Someone with a low IQ can have just as good communication skills as someone with a high IQ.

In one of my popular articles titled “Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills”, I say that smart people do not necessarily have poor communication skills. However, smart people do tend to have poor communication skills because of certain habits, traits, and thoughts. A few of these problems include: the need to criticize, a tendency to find faults, use of complex words, and a proof of intellectual intelligence by sharing knowledge.

Amazingly, some of the most empathic, caring, understanding, attentively good conversationalists that I’ve met were in mental institutions. They weren’t psychologists, therapists, or receptionists, but they were patients these professionals were looking after. The seemingly incompetent that we dub as dumb can be smart communicators.

#9 Myth: The message sent is the message received

This myth may hurt your relationships every single day. Thinking that the message you send is the message people receive makes you vulnerable to fighting with people who are important to you. There’s one word that explains this ugly problem: Interpretation.

How we interpret a person’s message depends on many human characteristics like memory, beliefs, and values. Your mother sees your child hurt his knee so she tells you, “You need to look after your kids.” Though your mother was expressing a concern for any child’s safety, you become offended because you interpret it as, “I’m failing to look after my kids.” As another example, a guy playfully tells a girl who looks at him, “Hey, stop checking me out.” The girl may interpret the guy’s message as, “He’s confident, playful, and challenging.” while an onlooker may interpret the guy’s message as being rude.

The next time you talk to someone, stop assuming the message you send is the message someone receives. You can improve your communication skills by being conscious of the fact that people will interpret your message the way you didn’t intend for it be understood. Asking a person for their understanding is a good way to ensure the two of you share an accurate understanding. Additionally, you can tell people you talk to your understanding of what they say.

#8 Myth: Adapting to people is necessary for good communication

Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power teaches to “assume formlessness”. He advises people to adapt to other’s individuality and rely less on past experiences to interact with the present. What skill you’ve successfully used on someone won’t necessarily work on someone else. Adaptability is the key to surviving and thriving. I back Robert Greene’s 48th law and teach such things myself.

Adaptablity is an important part in healthy relationships. A failure to adjust your mood to a person’s mood can result in severe conflict. Generally, fine-tuning your body language and words to a person’s emotional needs boosts your social perforamnce. However, adaptability can be beneficial and harmful to your communication.

When you overlook your own needs or feelings to adapt to social situations, a trade-off often takes place: People who make good impressions, while overlooking their own needs or feelings, suffer from poor, unstable relationships. The everyday social implication of adaptability is a superficial attitude. Dr. Brian Spitzberg, a professor at the School of Communication in San Diego State University and co-editor of The Dark Side of Close Relationships, says the myth of adaptability hurts people’s communication skills. “If everyone is adapting to everyone else’s adaptations, people become chameleons in a paisley room, disabled by the shifting pattern of their social context.” says Dr. Spitzberg. “Adaptable people can come across like a chameleon as they change their ‘face’ for each person with whom they interact.”

#7 Myth: Communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem

Ah, the dreaded fear of talking about a tough issue. Fear’s purpose is to protect us from danger, but it too often stops us from building intimacy and having happiness. The excuse of “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem” is an excuse to avoid the uncomfortable. We fabricate reasons to procrastinate on important conversations that will change our life.

Ask anyone who has regrettably divorced and they’ll tell you their disappointment in not having addressed one or two minor issues that went ignored for years to ultimately destroy the relationship. By having the thought that communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem, you waste time, energy, money, and emotion in delaying the difficult conversation. Susan Scott in her bestselling Fierce Conversations encourages us to “come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” “Being real is not the risk.” says Scott. “The real risk is that: I will be known, I will be seen, and I will be changed.”

#6 Myth: You cannot communicate

Another common communication misconception, and a reason nonverbal communication is very powerful, is you cannot not communicate. In other words, it is impossible to avoid communicating. You can try all you want to ignore someone, but you’re still communicating.

People think that ignoring someone is avoiding communication with the person. If you choose to completely ignore someone, then you are communicating ignorance to that person through your body language and unwillingness to talk. Shy people who avoid conversations and remain alone, communicate disinterest in people and a lack of self-love due to their willingness in inflicting social anxiety.

By telling someone “I’m not talking to you,” you already have lied because your body language will communicate a message to the person that you are ignorant. Additionally, your silence could communicate that you are a stubborn person. When someone gives you the “silent treatment,” do you interpret the messages that they are communicating to you? Yes! Perhaps they are communicating stubbornness, ignorance, rudeness, or cruelty through avoidance. It is impossible to avoid communication.

#5 Myth: Meaning is in words

Semantics is the study of meaning in language. It explains how two separate people searching Google for “hot looking person” are after completely different things. One person wants information on a good looking person while the other person wants information on global warming. Google invests billions of dollars into semantics for its search engine algorithms to accurately determine whether 12 year old John searching “hot looking person” wants good looking people or information for an environmental assignment. The implications of good semantics is huge. Without good semantics, search engines will die just like our personal relationships.

While meaning can be in words, a word is only a medium for understanding to travel, much like the air is a medium for light to travel. A black car may bring prestige, wealth, power, and speed into your mind’s eye. For someone else, a black car may mean sickness, death, and loss. When a black car comes to mind, we might see Donald Trump and prestige, but someone else might see the black limousine carrying their mother’s casket to her burial ground.

Words are representations of images, symbols, and events, and are not solely responsible for giving messages their meaning. The attachments we have to what we say and hear gives communication most of its meaning. You don’t react to a person’s words; you react to your meaning of a person’s words. Someone calling you “a loser with no life” won’t affect you when you give those words a meaning of, “he’s just angry” or “if he was aware of personal growth he wouldn’t call me names – whatever he calls me, doesn’t affect me”. Understanding this myth and using its truth in your life will take your communication and personality to a whole new level.

#4 Myth: Speaking talent is important for effective communication

Speaking with a good vocabulary, clarity, directness, and structure doesn’t equal effective communication; it equals nothing. Light travels through air like communication travels through speaking skills. Just because the path of flow is smooth and clear doesn’t mean the destination is right.

Most business communications seem determined to convert this myth into truth. Presentations, mission statements, and team leadership all seem to work around the principles of being clear, direct, and using a good vocabulary. What an awful way of communicating that makes employees not care about their work and discourage customers from buying the company’s products or services.

In Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, co-author Chip Heath describes a major problem his students at Stanford University have when giving presentations. Being one of the world’s best universities, the students are intelligent and present their ideas with good speaking skills. Each year Heath gets his students to persuade fellow class members that nonviolent crime is a major issue in the United States.

Each student is given one minute to present their persuasive speech while the other students rate their speeches effectiveness. The highest rated students present statistics with poise, smoothness, and charisma – the typical understanding of effective communication in business. However, a few minutes following the presentations, Chip gets the students to remember any concept from any of the presentations. “When students are asked to recall the speeches, 64 percent remember the stories.” says Chip Heath. “Only 5 percent remember any individual statistic…. almost no correlation emerges between ’speaking talent’ and the ability to make ideas stick.” The foreign students with poor English speaking abilities are just as able to persuade native students.

Businesses are made up of individuals. A business is one entity that only represents the individuals within. Lose the idea that you need to “strive to become a leader in the industry while maintaining a key focus on adhering to superior customer service”. Reading such statements make me puke! Any business communication, whether your inspiring a team or persuading a CEO, do not get persuaded solely on statistics, structure, and effective speaking skills. They get persuaded from stories, emotion, analogies, self-interest, and a little bit of logic. Speaking talent is not as important as you think it is for effective communication.

#3 Myth: More communication is better

More money is better. More power is better. More friends is better. Thinking that having more of something good can be a problem. Give a poor man millions of dollars, a business, a great network of friends, and he may lose it all. The poor man may not have the knowledge to successfully manage such financial, capital, and human assets.

More of a bad thing only amplifies the problem. Spending more cash doesn’t resolve credit card debt. Eating more junk food isn’t going to fix your health. And fighting with your partner won’t get better if you keep poorly communicating.

Moreover, some issues are better left untouched. “It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them.” said Rose Macaulay. It may seem that this myth is the opposite to the myth “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem”, but each have their own uses in various situations. Much like laughing, there are good and bad times to use each communication myth.

Sometimes a person can be so emotionally closed-off, that they directly request you to keep quiet. What I do in this situation is use the technique of reflective responses to empathize with the person’s anger, frustration, or other intense emotion. I’ll say something along the lines of, “Seeing [whatever the issue is] makes you feel [feeling] because you need [whatever the need is].” However, sometimes their shields are too strong for any communication to get through. You just need to shut-up sometimes.

When there is less communication, there is more silence. And silence is powerful. Silence marinates the conversation into our minds. Silence is were change takes place. Change occurs in the mind; not in words. You can’t expect a person to fully comprehend what you are saying while they listen to your present words. Use silence to increase understanding and boost your persuasion abilities.

In addition to more communication: creating more poor communication, hurting some problems that are better left untouched, limiting the power of silence; less communication helps us understand. Conciseness can be better as short is memorable and impacting. Less is more.

#2 Myth: Nonverbal communication accounts for 93% of total communication.

The number two myth is a close contender for the greatest communication myth. Nonetheless, this myth is the most widespread communication lie, quickly spreading from many nonverbal communication articles and books that teach 93% of communication is nonverbal. Nearly every time nonverbal communication is discussed, you’ll hear this myth. The misunderstanding that nonverbal communication contributes 93% to all communication is the most quoted and misquoted piece of information in communication. Ever.

If 93% of communication is nonverbal, learning a new language would be a breeze. Should this second greatest myth of communication be true, we could easily talk in different languages because words would make up an insignificant amount of communication.

Here’s the truth about this myth. A study titled Inference of Attitudes from Nonverbal Communication in Two Channels published in the Journal of Consulting Psychology by Albert Mehrabian, professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California in Los Angeles, and Susan Ferris, looked at the contribution of verbal and nonverbal signals to total communication. The two researchers had participants listen to prerecorded voices of single words such as “maybe” while looking at black and white photographs of facial expressions. The participants were told the voice’s tonality and facial expressions communicated either disliking, liking, or neutrality. They were then asked to choose between the three attitudes for each recording. The results show that facial expressions contribute 55% to communication while the vocalics contribute 38% (a 3:2 ratio).

Mehrabian later on in his book Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes referred to the findings from his study as the 7%-38%-55% rule, a rule defining what factors give meaning to our words. The rule states that 7% of meaning is in the spoken words, 38% of meaning is in how we say the words, and 55% of meaning is in body language. Mehrabian explicitly states in follow up discussions on his studies and book that the 93% of nonverbal contribution to communication applies only when someone is discussing their likes and dislikes. He says his findings were not intended to be applied to communication in general.

When a guy discusses his likes, you will see his energy rise. He will smile, talk more enthusiastically, show interest, vary his tonality, move around, and give off other nonverbal messages that the subject is his true like. Similarly, when he discusses his dislikes, you will see his drop in energy. He will frown, talk in a bitter manner, show disinterest, have a boring tonality, move less, and give off other nonverbal messages that he dislikes the subject. When listening to this guy talking about his likes and dislikes, 93% of your belief that he is telling the truth comes from nonverbal communication. If instead this guy frowned, talked in a bitter manner, and used boring vocalics when talking about his likes, you’d nearly be certain that he didn’t like what he was talking about.

#1 Myth: Good communication has taken place

While other communication myths can be shifted up or down a few spots amongst the top fifteen list, this myth remains concreted as the number one communication myth. The greatest myth you likely experience on a day-to-day basis is thinking that you have communicated with someone. George Bernard Shaw, recipient of the 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Communication is a buzzword that has been misused too often. You think you just experienced a great conversation, but all that took place was some talk and feel-good emotions. Forget thinking that good communication is: speaking with logic, telling the truth, expressing your intelligence, adapting to people’s communication styles, communicating as much as you can, making people feel good, making yourself feel good, keeping the two of you calm, or solving a problem. Good communication doesn’t take place when only these things have happened; rather, it is a point of open understanding where people walk away from the conversation feeling better. (The NVC process is one of the best techniques to build understanding for good communication.)

It is easy to blame other people on poor communication, but this is just another myth, a lie, to thwart the realization of change. You are responsible for the communication in your life. You are aware of the greatest 15 myths of communication; and other people in your life won’t be. It is up to you to bring the truth about these myths into your everyday conversations. I’ve spent the time giving them to you, now it’s time for you to destroy the top 15 myths of communication in your own life.

“Language is surely too small a vessel to contain these emotions of mind and body that have somehow awakened a response in the spirit.” – Radclyffe Hall

“All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

“You don’t have to hold a position in order to be a leader.” – Anthony D’Angelo

The doorbell rings at home and you are greeted by two men in police officer uniforms. They ask you if they can come into your house to discuss the recent kidnapping that took place in the neighborhood. You are keen to help the police in their investigation so you let them inside and begin discussing the kidnapping with them. After five minutes discussion, one of the officers sees a necklace on the table and says it is similar to the victim’s necklace on the day of the kidnapping. Shocked, you begin defending yourself by saying where you got the necklace and how long you’ve had it. The officers agree with you and are calm about the situation, but they say the necklace should be verified that it isn’t a part of the crime scene by taking back to the station. They tell you to pick it up tomorrow and give you the address of the police station and the ID number of the necklace for reference purposes.

Would you give them the necklace? If somebody were actually in the situation and experiencing the emotions, I believe most people would actually comply with the officers’ request. “So what?” I hear you ask. Here’s the thing. Who said they were truly police officers? They aren’t police officers. They are con men. If you just gave them your necklace, then I’m sorry to say that you were conned!

The principle of authority states that we are more easily persuaded by those with authority. When a doctor gives you medical advice, you are much more willing to follow the doctor’s advice than if an ordinary person gave you the same advice. If Andre Agassi were to give you tennis lessons, you would follow his advice more thoroughly than if you received advice from a local tennis coach.

You maybe thinking that authority is authoritative power like an overbearing boss. It can be, but that isn’t the type of authority in influence I recommend you begin developing. Author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, says “Most people think of leadership as a position and therefore don’t see themselves as leaders.” You need to know that you can influence others without any assigned position of power. An overbearing boss will influence you because of the person’s title, but you don’t need to be in an assigned position of power to possess authority. There are symbols of authority you can use to increase your authority and persuasive power.

Symbols of Authority

Most people would be deceived by con men because of symbols of authority. The three typical symbols of authority are title, clothing, and perceivable wealth. Title can be the occupation’s prefix like “doctor” and “professor” or even the occupation’s name like , “officer”, “lawyer”, “surgeon”, “trainer”, “gardener”, and “consultant”. The second symbol of authority is clothing which consists of all the clothing a person is wearing. Lastly, perceivable wealth can consist of the respective person’s car, house, jewelery, business, and any other wealth the person being influenced can see.

In the police example, the con men used clothing as a symbol of authority in deceiving you that they were police officers. When the “officers” knocked on your door, did you stop to ask for proof of their position as police officers? Or did you perceive their clothing as proof of their position as police officers? If you were conned, you would have assumed their wearing of officer uniforms meant they were police officers. Clothing has an enormous amount of authority; maybe as much as the position itself. Mark Twain humorously said, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

Manipulating the Symbols of Authority

Con men can manipulate the symbols of authority so it is also possible for you to alter them and for more ethical purposes. Firstly, I’ll discuss clothing. Whatever message you are trying to communicate, make sure your clothes match the message. If you want to communicate wealth and power, then a well-fitted suit will do. If you want to communicate attractiveness, then wear stylish clothes that match you as a person. If you want to communicate freedom, relaxation, or leisure, then wear casual clothes like a plain shirt, shorts, and even sandals.

Next is title. Depending on what qualifications you have, you can search for the appropriate job titles and begin using them more often. If you find there are no titles that you can use, then perhaps consider doing some training to gain the title. Maybe you want to be a “counselor”, “practitioner”, or “trainer”, and to get these titles just involves doing a little extra learning. The knowledge gained from the training won’t do you any harm in increasing your expertise.

Lastly is perceivable wealth. Clothing can communicate wealth, which further emphasizes the need to dress well. However, the most wealthy usually don’t dress the best. They have no need to. You shouldn’t need to dress in the most expensive clothing, but it’s fine to be the most stylish. However, be careful with how much perceivable wealth you have in some situations. When you have excessive perceivable wealth, people can think you are overcompensating for other areas in your life and the tactic could backfire. Be aware of the trade off between overcompensation and influential authority.

Follow the Leader

What happens if you have a successful leader at work, sport, or in the family? You follow the leader. The person’s influence isn’t once off or temperamental. The leader is able to influence others on an ongoing basis. You continue to follow the leader. The law of good continuation is a principle of Gestalt laws of perceptual organization and states objects are perceived to be smooth because of a pattern. (My communication secrets program has four other Gestalt laws of perceptual organization plus an entire chapter on perception because it is the filter that determines how we interact with the world.) When we are presented with patterns of consistency, we assume the same consistency will exist into the future.

The law of good continuation in leadership means followers of a leader will “blindly” accept the leader’s decisions because of past successes. Followers fail to critically think and question the leader’s actions because the leader has proven himself in the past to make good decisions. The great Albert Einstein said, “Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” It is a common and fair enough mistake to make.

The law of good continuation tells us that you will meet less resistance by most followers you are influencing once you get into the position of influence. However, should you get yourself into such a position of authority, don’t be afraid to encourage those following you to continually question your actions, because in the end the outcome will fall back on you.

Size and Status

In the animal world, size is often a way to communicate status. Kangaroos stand on their tails to appear taller as they enter a fight, Puffer Fish fill their stomachs with water to enlarge their body and scare off predators, and Bearded Dragons can straighten the skin on their head to appear larger and fend off threats. Prior to a fight, many animals have this natural mechanism of sizing each other up to gain an understanding of how powerful their competitors are. If an animal is intimated by the size of its competitor, then the fight may not take place. It is nature’s way of discerning the healthy alpha males from the less healthy and weak males without the specie making itself extinct by constantly fighting.

In the human world, we have a very similar natural selection process. This selection process is far more sophisticated and expands into areas beyond fights. However, in terms of size and status, we aren’t at all very different. Taller people and those who are more muscularly defined, are seen to possess more status in our society. From what I know, there isn’t much you can do about height, but you should workout at the gym to improve your strength and pack on muscle.

What the animal world doesn’t have which the human world has, is a vice-a-versa relationship between size and status. While size relates to status for animals and humans, status influences size for humans. By improving your status, people will perceive you as being bigger than you really are. This in turn can increase your ability to influence people.

I was once listening to a DVD by David DeAngelo and a guest speaker, Dr. Georges Sabongui, was talking about the relationship between size and status. Dr. Sabongui was once a commander in the Canadian Navy where he learned how to project a presence. It was absolutely necessary for him to project a powerful presence because anyone in the room he was in had to know he was in charge. He is five foot six, but people often mistook him for being six foot tall because of his powerful non-verbal communication. You can project a presence and more authority through powerful body language.

To increase people’s perception of your size and at the same time increase your influential authority among many other benefits, there are some simple body language tips you can start using. These body language tips will further help you to project a powerful presence. Firstly, behave “as if”. Act out the body language you would have in a room if you were the person in authority. Secondly, look people in the eye. Thirdly, take up more space. Spread your legs, lean, and have movement in your gestures. A powerful President doesn’t look like he is constricted to a cage. This tip applies more so for men than it does for women. Lastly, have a confident posture. Lift your chest up and this will bring your neck, back, and head perfectly into place.

Remember that all principles of influence get the person to comply with the request on their own terms. They come to the solution “themselves”. Using the advice given in this principle to increase your influential authority will make others comply with your requests and have people liking you more; unlike a bureaucratic boss that employees resent. By implementing the four body language tips and combining them with the three symbols of authority, you will greatly increase your authority and influential power.

Links in this Course: The 6 Principles of Influencing People

• Introduction to Influencing People
• 1. Commitment and Consistency
• 2. Reciprocation
• 3. Scarcity
• 4. Authority
• 5. Liking
• 6. Social Proof

You can download this entire course in a neat report format by right clicking here and selecting “save target as”. You can keep a copy safely on your computer. The report is in .pdf format so you will need this free software to view it.

There are two groups of scenarios where having the skills to say no while being respected are much needed. I’m sure you would like to say no in both of these common scenarios yet you just cannot bring yourself to say it for several possible reasons.

The first group of scenarios involves someone asking for a favor that requires a type of resource from you such as money or time. This situation is non-threatening and often gets you to carry out the task because of your guilt, passiveness, or inability to take a stance. Here a few examples of these scenarios:

• A charity worker has rang you up on the phone, knocked on your door, or stopped you on the street and kindly asked you for a donation. You don’t have enough money to give them a donation.
• You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you need to be home before your partner leaves the house so you can take care of the kids.
• Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You are in the middle of an important conference call and afterwards you need to write a follow up report for the meeting tomorrow morning.

This first type of scenario involves you having the incapacity to fulfill what is being asked of you. It is not that you would not like to help someone else, but it is that you simply cannot help because of poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity. Despite our lack of emotional and physical resources we still have a tendency to try and do-it-all.

The second common scenario where it is extremely helpful to say no is in a more threatening situation than the first type of scenarios. It involves your unwillingness and reluctancy to carry out the action that is requested of you. This common scenario is about being coerced into doing something against your will. The follow examples are similar as the first scenario but your personal situation this time is different:

• A charity worker is in contact with you requesting a donation yet this time you are unwilling to give them a donation because you dislike how they use donations in their work and giving a contribution feels like a waste.
• You have been asked to put in some overtime at work but you really don’t want to. Maybe your partner has asked you to take the kids out or you have got so much paper work to sought through at home and it is piling up like the Eiffel Tower and tilting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. You have other things to do but they aren’t important.
• Your child who is struggling with an assignment that is due tomorrow asks for your assistance. You have spare time on your hands but you feel you need to let your child take responsibility for not having worked on the assignment at an earlier time.

In the second group of scenarios you have the time and monetary resources to donate but you say no because of your unwillingness to engage in the activity. You find saying no is extremely difficult because of peer pressure, intimidation, fear, or a concern for being seen as a weak.

A far more serious and life-changing situation in the second group of scenarios is being pressured into taking drugs or having sex. You should never have to accept a life damaging decision based on intimidation and peer pressure so you need to learn how to say no. If the other person respects you for your decision then that is a bonus.

Saying no is a Must

We are peppered with requests day-in and day-out. There is only so much time within a day to do the necessities and the little extras we want that we must occasionally say no to people. It is necessary to learn to say no for your own emotional and mental well-being.

While I believe most people are poor time managers and can do more in the day if they learn good productivity skills, doing more activities than you are capable of has to take its toll on you sooner than later. You will begin to feel depressed, stressed, unhappy, and tired. Other areas of your life are then likely to suffer. You will do less of the things you enjoy, you’ll become agitated towards the ones you love, and you’ll develop a low self-esteem from the “but-I-work-so-hard-and-don’t-succeed” syndrome.

Sometimes you may not say no because of your “need” to do something “only you can do.” This common situation occurs in a work environment where you micromanage people and find it difficult to delegate activities. You end up doing a lot of activities that other people should be doing probably because you can do the tasks “better”.

Learning to say no will improve your leadership skills as you develop a better team environment when appropriately delegating tasks. People will often surprise you with what they can do if you just let them do it. Saying no will also allow you to do the more important activities. Leadership trainer John Maxwell said, “Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.”

When you begin to get good at saying no people will make less requests of you. People will not see you as a toy doll who can be easily pushed around and played with. You will have more time on your hands as a result of people respecting your time. They will know not to make petty requests when you are known to turn those down.

Our view of declining a request sometimes causes us to frame it as a problem. Saying no becomes a problem. However, saying no is a solution to a greater problem. You are declining their request for a reason: to solve some type of problem. If saying no doesn’t achieve anything, a solution, you wouldn’t be trying to learn how to say no.

By empathically and assertively stating no, when you do say “yes” your words will pack a powerful punch. The “yes” will be a clear crest rising from still waters as it overrides what people have come to expect from you. The principle of scarcity causes us to appreciate rarity more than what is commonly available.

Why Don’t You Just Say no?

The question has been asked. Do you give in or do you make an assertive stand and say no? You crumble faster than my poor baking and you give in to the demand. Why do you say no and what can you do to be more assertive?

An extremely common reason why people don’t say no is guilt. This emotion will often dictate you into following requests and orders when you feel compelled to give. Let’s say a person who is diagnosed with Leukemia knocks on your door and requests a donation to help a cancer foundation. Seeing the ill person instills guilt within you as you compare your health to the person’s health. The guilt overrides your ability to say no and so you give a donation based from your guilt.

We often make decisions based from guilt that we’d rather not make. When your decision to give time, financial assistance, or another type of donation is made from the need to be approved by others or to avoid conflict, then it will have a negative effect on you. A compulsion to give because of guilt takes away the whole meaning of “giving” which is to donate happily and freely. Giving is best when done voluntarily otherwise resentment builds.

Maybe you don’t say no because you think it is selfish. Saying no is not selfish under most circumstances. The same rule applies for all types of assertive skills. You are not selfish when asserting yourself at the appropriate times. Being assertive is about generating a win-win result. There are times when frequent assertion is plain annoying and inappropriate but this is usually the last concern for many people. Many people are passive and need to learn how to say no.

Finding why you can’t just say no is important in learning to assert yourself. To help you decide whether saying no is in fact appropriate, I’ve come up with a list of useful questions that you can use. Some helpful questions you can ask yourself that will help get the point across that you need to say no are:

1. “Is it healthy for me?” Examples: Being pressured into doing drugs, poor eating habits, or a dangerous dare like being tested to jump off a three-story building.
2. “Am I actually capable of doing it?” Examples: helping an older child with complex homework, giving a donation to charity while you have almost no money, or working overtime while you must get home on time to nurse the kids.
3. “Do I even care about it?” Examples: doing an activity you have no interest in that others are pressuring you to do, helping someone you dislike, or working extra hours when you don’t need the money.

If it isn’t healthy for you to do, if you aren’t capable of doing it, or if you don’t care about it then you most likely should say no. Though it may be obvious to you now, when you are being pressured in a situation or are fearful of being the odd one out these questions will help you to clarify the right decision.

Body Language: Who Said You Actually Had to Say no?

In many cases just saying no is simply enough! While this is true, there are still additional tips you can take on board to improve your “no skills”. These include body language and running through the three questions provided above to cement the thought that it is fine to say no in the situation.

Assertive body language can strengthen any statement you make. If you lack good body language then any statement you make will not have enough power to be taken seriously. When there is conflict between your verbal statement and body language, you can count on the fact that the person will accept your body language as truth.

I say there are three important things to remember with assertive body language when saying no. Firstly is strong eye contact. When the request is made look into the person’s eyes for two seconds, look away for two more seconds, and then back into their eyes before making your statement. This provides a “thinking gap” and lets them know you have thought about their request.

Don’t give them a blank “dumb” stare. Make it a look of thought. After the four seconds is up, simply say no or a variation that I’ll provide below. After making your statement, hold the eye contact for a few more seconds. This will communicate confidence in your decision and that you are unlikely to change. The person will be less likely to repeat the request after you do this.

The second important tip in saying no through assertive body language is having a lack of facial expressions. Remove any smiles or frowns, raised or lowered eyebrows, and anything else that communicates a negative or positive stance on the issue. Having a “boring face” which lacks any type of expression shows that you are unaffected by the person’s persisting request.

The person may feel you are ignoring them and persist with the request but it is vitally important to maintain the same facial expression. This is basically the broken-record technique where you keep doing the same thing over and over again in the face of adversity.

The third important tip in saying no through assertive body language is movement. If you all of a sudden have a nervous twitch when saying no that will set alarm bells in the other person’s mind who will then persist with the request. Making smooth and confident movements is the same as having a “boring face”. The only movement I recommend you should definitely have is shaking your head side-ways. This will put your no on steroids and make it stronger than otherwise possible.

You can communicate a stronger no when using these three confident and assertive body language tips. You non-verbally communicate that the person’s subsequent requests will not get a different response then when you plainly said no the first time. You can learn more assertive body language tips from Michael Lee in another article on the Earthling Communication site.

Variations of How to Say no

There are many variations of saying no. Each are suited to specific situations. Choose which one you think is best for the situation:

Plain No: Guess what this one involves? All you do is say no and move on. This is the least effective of the various techniques. In simple situations this variation can work.

Mirroring No: This variation involves sympathy where you communicate an understanding of the person’s situation and follow it up with your declining statement. Your child’s sports coach asks you to be the team manager. You could respond with a mirroring no by saying, “I understand your after a team manager. It must be tough trying to organize the team… but I won’t be the team manager this season.”

Reason-why No: Many studies have proven that if a person provides a reason for carrying out an action then the action is more likely to be accepted. If a charity worker asks for a donation you can say, “No I won’t donate because I’ve donated to another organization last week” or “No I won’t donate because I don’t want to.” The second example’s reason for not donating seems stupid but even though no new information was provided the reason adds persuasive power. Trust me on this. It is powerful.

The requester can actually use a similar variation of this technique on you. Research has shown your compliance will increase by 30% if the requester makes the request and provides a reason why. Be aware when the requester uses the reason-why technique. You’ll be more likely to get sucked in and leave the situation with a wondering thought of “Why did I say yes?”

Delayed No: Just say “You’ll get back to them at a later time.” In the mean time, the person may find someone else to do the job or the problem may have been solved. This technique can be used in combination with all these variations. Also, when delaying your response you give yourself time to think of what to say and how to effectively say it.

Conditional No: You state the conditions that you would accept the person’s request and if these conditions aren’t met you will decline their request. Only use this technique if you are willing to accept the request. The person may end up adjusting the initial request for you under your listed conditions which will put the burden on you to follow the adjusted request. Your child’s sports coach again asks you to be the team manager and you respond with, “I will be the team manager if you can guarantee that it requires no more than 2 hours of work a week. If not, I’ll have to say ‘no’.”

Painful No: This variation of saying no involves stating the future pain the person would receive if you declined their request at a later time. Your boss asks you to take on an extra assignment and you reply with, “For both our sake I’m going to say no. The quality of my work declines when I’m not focused on one assignment and I don’t want to give you bad work, hurt my position here at the company, and as a result make you get someone else to redo the assignment at a later date.”

Repetitive No: Remember when I was giving you body language tips above and I encouraged you to maintain the same body language when the person persists with their request? This assertive skill, the broken record technique, can be applied to the words you say. All you do is keep repeating your exact same no-statement over and over again until the person stops. Their request will vary in form but just keep repeating your exact same no-statement. Here is an example scenario for you:

“Can you help me move house this weekend?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“I really need help. Can you help me move house?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“It’ll only be for a few hours. Can you?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”

Respectful No: Firstly, use one of the above variations. If the person persists with their request then use the respectful no variation. What you say communicates your wishes for the person to respect your decision. An example is “Please don’t make the same request again. I’ve said ‘no’ so can you please accept that?” Do this with “soft” body language so you don’t come across as aggressive.

Further Tips

Passive or Aggressive: If you’re a person who frequently gives into people’s requests then you are behaving passively. Identify this behavioral pattern and begin using the advice shared throughout this entire article.

If you’re a person who feels the pressure, stress, and intensity of the request build up and it becomes too much for you, then you’ll likely have aggressive outbursts. You will say “NO!” loudly and become frustrated. You will probably degrade the other person through statements like “I’m not doing what you say” or “You can’t tell me what to do.”

Neither being passive or aggressive is beneficial for you.

Truth or Myth: I know at my old workplace when I was asked to work extra hours I would make up a false excuse to get out of working extra time. Sometimes this worked while other times it didn’t. The reason a lie worked and other times it didn’t work was the body language communicated when lying and other verbal cues.

When we tell the truth, our bodies have a natural ability to communicate the message confidently. When we tell a lie, our bodies have a natural tendency to communicate the message with poor confidence.

If you do choose to make up a false excuse when saying no, follow the body language tips provided above and also the tips below:

1. Maintain a consistent voice. Have the same volume, tone, and speed as you had prior to lying.
2. A sign of uneasiness will signal that you are lying. Things like switching the topic and using sarcasm are good indicators of uneasiness.
3. Don’t become defensive! This is a huge tip and definitely can be applied to many different situations when saying no. Defensiveness ties in with being uneasy. Defensive behaviors can include becoming argumentative and being resistant to hearing another’s opinion. Providing that “thinking gap” during silence for a few seconds helps overcome this.

Persuasive Understanding: There is something about human nature where we all seek to be understood. If a person doesn’t understand us then we feel a disconnection from this person. In a situation where you need to be persuasive like in saying no and getting someone to obey your request, understanding the other person will increase your persuasive power. If a guy who is making a request doesn’t feel you understand him then he’ll reason to himself that “You don’t understand me so you don’t understand the situation.” He’ll then continue to bug you.

Overall, no is not a bad word to say if you know how to say it. Learning any assertive skill where you correctly express yourself while not hurting other people is helpful to both parties involved. Saying no will do you and other people a great deal of good.

Stop seeing this assertive skill in a bad light where you think you’re letting the requester down. If you correctly assert yourself with the variations and tips provided in this article the person will eventually accept your decision. Focus on the benefits you’ll receive by learning how to correctly decline someone’s request. Think about how much more positive your attitude will be in the relationship because you communicated your desires in a safe manner. By following the advice provided in this article, you should have all your bases covered. You’re now prepared to say no in any situation that is against your will!

Have you ever looked at someone and just felt that they were an interesting person? I’m sure we all have sensed a person to be interesting at some time in our lives. These people did not even need to say a word to spark this tickle of curiosity within us. There is a list of characteristics about these people that I have learned to cultivate in myself that I’m going to share with you in this article – so that you can be more interesting without having to say a word.

We know there are two aspects to communication: verbal and non-verbal communication. Because these interesting people do not say a word to make you curious about them, their interesting characteristics come from good non-verbal communication, also known as body language. Non-verbal communication gives you the power to be interesting, amongst many other benefits.

A lot of lies and misleading information has been made about body language’s impact on communication. One such example comes from Albert Mehrabian, a psychologist at the University of California in Los Angeles, who created the “7%-38%-55% Rule”. It is a communication rule defining what factors give meaning to our words. The rule says 7% of meaning is in the spoken words, 38% of meaning is in how we say the words, and 55% of meaning is in facial expressions. As I’ve revealed in the 15 greatest communication myths, this communication rule cannot be applied to all situations, as Mehrabian says that this rule applies only when someone is discussing their likes and dislikes. Nonetheless, Mehrabian does emphasize that body language is always a strong influence in communication.

Knowing the power of body language, you will be able to control your non-verbal communication to communicate the messages you want others to receive. If you want to appear attractive, then your body language has the power to communicate that. If you want to appear lazy, boring, or unattractive, then you adjust your body language accordingly and others will immediately begin judging you as lazy, boring, or unattractive. Your body language has the power to influence and communicate what you want – in our case, how to be interesting.

I have learned three body language tricks to make myself appear more interesting. These techniques are simple, but they are powerful and may take a bit of practice until you become unconsciously competent with them. People will see you as more interesting and charismatic once you use them. Here are the three most powerful non-verbal skills you can put on yourself that will instantly make you more interesting, rapidly improve your attractiveness, make you more approachable, and quickly explode your confidence like never before with such ease:

Gooey Eyes

As I type this, it’s ironic that I’m listening to a song called “Open Your Eyes” by DJ Tiesto while the next song to be played is “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls (normally, I don’t listen to lyrical music because it steals my point of focus). Eyes have always been important to humans. Without eyes, human communication relies on sounds. Without good eye contact, communication can be destroyed.

Most people’s understanding of good eye contact is to ensure you keep looking at the person, but there are eye contact techniques like the gooey eyes techniques that you can use to improve your body language and make yourself more interesting without having to say a word. The other person will see your great eye contact and instantly infer from your body language that you are no ordinary person. Excellent eye contact is powerful in giving the message that you are an interesting person.

Generally, the technique involves making more eye contact with the person that you want to perceived by as being more interesting. It is a slow, deliberate movement to make people like you. The imagery you want to have – and where it gets the “gooey eyes” name from – is visualizing your eye contact with the person like a sticky toffee being peeled off a surface. Look at the person as per normal, but keep the eye contact going a little longer than you normally would. Just before you turn your head down, to the side, or to someone else’s eyes to break the eye contact, maintain eye contact for a bit longer by peeling your gooey eyes off the person as you turn your head. Peel your eyes off the person like a sticky toffee being lifted from the surface.

Gooey eyes makes you interesting because your head is shifting somewhere else, but your eyes are momentarily focused on the person you are talking with. It shows the person you are confident enough to make strong contact, a dominant trait, as you go about what you are doing. The technique also communicates that the person has something about them that other people do not see. You are breaking the eye contact as normal yet you continue to visually absorb them because they are interesting to you.

Gooey eyes contain several different levels of intensity depending on the person and the situation. Generally, women to women and men to women can have very strong eye contact. When someone makes strong eye contact with a woman in a conversation, their conversational intimacy heightens. The woman instantly feels more interested in the person.

Women interact with others to feel intimacy and strong eye contact is associated with intimacy. Take a look at the time women spend on the phone. They can take hours talking about what happened in one day. Now think about how long a man-to-man phone call takes. We will often punch in the numbers and be off the phone within 1 minute. I’ve had so many man-to-man calls that have lasted less than 30 seconds. We are very objective based. I can’t imagine us guys asking each other, “Oh, so what are your feelings about…?”

If you are a guy and want to appear attractive to a lady, make an effort to never look away from her until she loses eye contact with you. Using this technique will display explosive amounts of confidence – a very attractive quality – to the lady. When you and a woman see one another, make strong eye contact in addition to applying the gooey eyes technique as you look away. Women love slow, meaningful body language. You will catch her attention, show confidence, and be far more interesting to her. Use these techniques while keeping in mind that if she doesn’t know you, be sure to not eye her down without talking to her at sometime otherwise you risk being seen as a creepy stalker.

You do need to be careful in some cultures and situations with strong eye contact because it can be interpreted as threatening and aggressive. Previously I would have said that for a man-to-man interaction a guy needs to soften the gooey eyes technique, but you can make strong eye contact without appearing aggressive in most cultures. You can be dominant without being domineering. If you are a guy, on average aim to make eye contact about 70% of the time with another guy – and when you look away, visualize your eyes peeling off the guy like a sticky toffee. You won’t come off as aggressive or shy, but you will find a median that shows you are a “someone” who is interesting.

One last point I would like to make about gooey eyes is to avoid overusing the technique with a person. If you keep peeling your eyes off the person like a sticky toffee, you risk being seen as weird.

Overall, applying gooey eyes and improving your eye contact will give off many messages beyond making you appear more interesting. You will look like you are a “someone” as people will feel and see your radiating confidence. Use the technique and you will give off messages that come from a powerful person.

Illuminating Smile

In Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, he discusses the importance of smiling. Most of us are well aware of a good smile’s influence, yet many people wonder how a good smile is done. You need to learn the “how” and not just the “what”.

A good smile is contagious because it makes the smiling person, and the witnesses, feel good. Research has isolated a smile from other influencing variables to discover that seeing only a smile makes you feel better. Likewise, seeing a person frown makes you feel worse. It is a magical brain-to-brain connection that links humans in an almost mystical way. You can make people feel good, make yourself feel good, and make yourself look good by cultivating an illuminating smile.

Why is it that some people have a cold turkey smile that doesn’t radiate into other people? On the other hand, some people light-up your heart with a beautiful smile? How can you achieve an illuminating smile that lights up the room?

You don’t have to be born with a great smile. The face is comprised of muscles that you simply need to control to develop an illuminating smile. You can carve a great smile from your face.

A cold turkey smile begins with the smiling person not truly feeling happy or excited. This incongruence shows in the facial muscles. If you can build positive emotions inside yourself, a true smile will show on the outside. It also helps to fabricate a smile by just smiling as research shows you feel better even when your smile is fake. Stimulating the emotions to create an illuminating smile is important.

A cold turkey smile is simply an on and off switch, while an illuminating smile will slowly increase its intensity until illuminated. I call this the illuminating smile because your smile will be like a volume switch gradually being turned until at full power. Your illuminating smile is like a dimming light that has varying intensity: it can light up the room at its highest level (a big smile), it can be off (a normal face), and it can be anywhere between.

To use the technique, after one second of good eye contact with someone, “turn up” your smile. Increase the dimming switch to gradually brighten your smile. Begin with a little smile, slowly increasing it over two seconds until it becomes a big smile. So, from the initial eye contact to your largest smile will total about three seconds.

Practice your smiling in front of a mirror. Make the initial eye contact, wait a second, and then gradually increase your smile to illuminate the room. You will see for yourself how genuine and interesting your smile really is. I do advise you to lock the door to the room in case someone sees you practicing your smile. It’s weird to see, but wonderful to do.

An illuminating smile will appear genuine because you do not instantly flick on your smile upon eye contact. Rather, you wait a second or two, begin smiling, and increase your smile’s size over about two more seconds. An illuminating smile gives you the ability to appear genuine, will light-up the room, and make you an interesting person before you even speak a word.

Capitalizing Posture

An excellent posture rings a giant bell to everyone that you are a “someone” who is interesting. It tells everyone you are not an average person. In the man-to-woman context, a woman instantly is able to see which guys she feels are interesting by observing how they walk. A guy with an excellent posture switches all her right buttons and makes her interested.

I have called this third technique of being interesting without saying a word “capitalizing posture” for several reasons. Firstly, successful people use their assets better than someone who is not successful. Seeing we all have a posture with the potential to become a great asset, you can capitalize on your posture. Capitalize on one of your greatest assets: your posture.

Secondly, a good posture is often associated with being tall, high status, strong confidence, and power. A capitalizing posture will be like buildings in a capital city. This doesn’t mean you need to be like a giant (me ) to have good posture. Far from it. It is about focusing on being erect and using your posture the best you can. It’s time to put an end to having a posture that is more like The Leaning Tower of Pisa than a strong, stable structure.

There are several techniques you can use to grow your greatest body language asset. I have heard so many complex techniques to adjust your posture, but I have discovered one amazingly simple technique that I have previously kept a secret to myself. Here it is: all you need to do is lift your chest up. That’s it! Your head will rise, your neck will straighten, your shoulders will drop back, and your back will straighten – all by lifting your chest! This is a capitalizing posture.

If you ever feel compressed throughout the day, like you might be now as you sit down at the computer reading this article, lift your chest up like Tarzan. While I recommend you breathe through your stomach (technically you can’t because your lungs aren’t there, but your stomach should expand), I want you to take a deep breath in the top of your lungs to lift your chest and stretch your posture into a taller position. Try the capitalizing posture technique right now. You can do it on your computer chair. It only takes a second to do.

Learn From Others

So far I’ve shared three techniques with you that I’ve cultivated in my body language to make myself appear more interesting without saying a word, yet there is a fourth technique that can allow you to gather further body language tips. It is a powerful exercise that will forever improve your non-verbal communication – guaranteed. I say it will forever improve your body language, in any everyday activity, because it is an ongoing lesson.

The technique involves observing other people’s body language to notice what works and why it works – as well as what doesn’t work and why it doesn’t work. You can do this exercise right now thanks to the Internet. Go on YouTube and find a video of someone who you look up to and who is notably famous. Don’t get distracted by watching the plethora of available videos! Do the exercise!

If you have found a video of this person you are after, turn all sound off, watch the video, and observe his or her body language. Take note of what makes the person interesting. What is good about their body language? For me, I love basketball so I chose Michael Jordan. I noticed Jordan has almost a trademark limp in his walk. It’s a notable limp. He rises on his toes as he walks. This gives him a unique body language characteristic that people remember him for. I learned that I don’t need to mold myself into a robotic being with “perfect” body language as uniqueness can make you interesting.

Once you’ve watched a video of a person you like, find a video of an everyday person. Again, watch this video with the sound off. Observe this person’s body language and compare the difference to the body language of the person you admire. It is not guaranteed, but the person who is notably more successful will appear more interesting than the everyday person due to their differences in body language. Ask yourself what parts of their body language could be improved. Begin using the body language lessons you have learned.

Another and more original version of this technique involves watching people throughout the day in diverse areas of life. For example, you can go into a busy area with many people like a shopping center and observe people’s diverse body language. Watch people who have poor eye contact when they talk to others, customer service staff that don’t smile, or people who walk with a pitiable posture. These people will generally be of a lower social class. Now watch those who you think are in a higher social class. They will appear more interesting because they will hold their heads up straight, make good eye contact, will likely smile, and have excellent posture. Observe what works and why you think it works, then use it.

Observing these situations deepens your understanding of how powerful gooey eyes, an illuminating smile, and a capitalizing posture is in making you interesting and powerful. Practice these techniques in a mirror or the next time you socialize and see for yourself how they instantly make you a more interesting person without saying a word.

You can download this free report by right clicking here and selecting “save target as”. You can keep a copy safely on your computer. Please email this report to others or tell them about this page so they also discover how to be interesting without saying a word. The report is in .pdf format so you will need this free software to view it.

I am going to start off by telling you about the problems I had in communicating confidently. I have not seen much variation between people who lack confidence when talking with others so if you are short in the confidence department or just want to have more confidence in your conversations, you’ll definitely be able to relate and learn from my experience. You do not need to go through life lacking confidence and feeling dominated by others and situations.

From an early age, I was always the quiet boy. I’d sit in school knowing the answers to a question but would be too afraid to answer. I couldn’t talk to someone new. I wouldn’t look someone in the eyes if they looked back at me and I’d hardly argue with anyone. Yes arguing is a bad thing, but I avoided arguing not because it was the right thing to do, but because I was too afraid to speak up and voice my opinion. I was passive and unconfident in letting people verbally trample over me.

Being so passively accepting like I was is dangerous for your mental health. A fear to speak from poor confidence can manifest in huge forms of resentment, ill will, and anger which in turn destroys relationships, happiness, and success. You can probably see that talking with confidence is strongly related to assertive communication. Rarely do you see a person who lacks confidence asserting themselves. I’ll try to stick to the confidence side of things as you can read more about assertion in the assertive skills section.

There’s a difference with not engaging in an argument for the sake of the relationship and not engaging in an argument because you are afraid. When you have an unhealthy fear you will avoid communicating yourself, become emotionally hurt, and nothing good will result. You’ll know the truth in side of you if an unhealthy fear and a lack of confidence exists. You’ll be unhappy, extremely frustrated, scared, and feel like you want to explode. You’ll hardly voice your opinions and emotions in conversations because of fear. That was me. I was miles from communicating confidently.

In addition to this type of fear, other common forms of poor communication confidence is the unknown and fear of judgment. These are in situations like meeting new people, public speaking, or giving a presentation. I too suffered from all these fears and believe this type of fear is a pandemic in society. Many people go to public events and are fearful of communicating with others. They will do what they can to stay “under the radar” and avoid possible awkward situations where they would be required to leave their comfort zone.

I didn’t have confidence in myself even though I knew I had something interesting, useful, or helpful to say. It wasn’t safe to do so. There was a hidden psychological barrier that kept pushing me away from communicating confidently. If you’re lacking or have lacked confidence, you know what it feels like. It is a cage in your mind that has you trapped. Your mind tells you you are not allowed to leave the cage because it’s unsafe. It tells you other people will judge, criticize, reject, or disapprove you.

Becoming confident is far more about working on your inner self than what you verbally express. Verbal and non-verbal messages that express your confidence will be created once you develop confidence with your inner self. I’ll teach you later on how your inside becomes your outside which is known as the process of manifestation.

Birth of Fear

The hidden psychological barrier I earlier referred to is fear. The primary attribute in you that is stopping you from communicating confidently is fear.

Like kryptonite to superman as fear is to communicate confidently. Fear is the acid that eats away confidence. Fear is the one tonne bolder that holds back a person from being confident. Fear is the Achilles of self-confidence.

You will build more confidence once you remove the “kryptonite, acid, or one tonne bolder” that is fear. To become confident you need to have little or ultimately no fear. To remove your fears the first step is to look at your fears and understand their “birth” to see what created them.

As a baby you entered into this world in a neutral state of mind. You did not fear people looking at you or staring back at people. You did not constrain your actions because of what other people thought. You were spontaneous without a care in the world as to what other people were thinking of your actions. I think the only fear a baby has is loud noises.

This neutral state of mind changed as you aged. When you were growing up, your parents would tell you, “Watch out!”, “Don’t go there!”, “Don’t do that!”, and “You’re not allowed that!” Your parents conditioned your behavior. After being conditioned, what actions you took after that would be conditional on how you thought your parents would respond. You lost your independence to do as you wish and became dependent on your parents. What you could and couldn’t do became more and more determined by your parents. This stimulated the creation of your fear of failure or fear of success.

As you became an adult, the memories of your parents telling you “Don’t do that!” were implanted into your subconscious mind. This guides your current actions. These childhood experiences manifest into forms of “I can’t do that!” When an opportunity comes to meet someone you see who looks really interesting, powerful, or attractive, you subconsciously reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” When a business opportunity arises, you don’t even have a go at starting it up because you reaffirm to yourself “I can’t do that!” You begin to give up without even trying.

In the Communication Secrets of Making People Like You program I’ve developed, I discuss what is known as the praise-blame dependency trap. The psychological trap is created when praise and blame is put on the person instead of the person’s behavior. Constant praise or blame directly communicated to a person leads them to being dependent upon it. The praise and blame becomes their behavioral “life support”. They cannot live without getting the feedback of others and living up to other people’s standards. Praise and blame leads to poor self-reliance and diminishing levels of confidence. It leads to needy behavior and requiring approval from other people which I discuss later on in this article. It leads to fear of rejection, approval, and disapproval.

Let’s firstly look at what fear is then we can further analyze how it is created and ultimately remove it from your life. Fear is defined as an unlikable emotion towards a perceived real or fake threat. Read that out loud again. It is a perceived real or fake threat.

Perceptual Process

According to psychologists, the psychological process known as “perception” where we interpret the world around us has three stages.

You are firstly exposed to the information. When in a conversation, exposure is being next to the person whom you can hear. Exposure is just a matter of coming within range of the stimulus.

Secondly is attention. It occurs when a stimulus activates one or more of our human senses. In our conversational example, you have attention to the person when you think about what is said. If the person begins to bore you or you are afraid of what the person is thinking of you, you are not thinking about the exposure and so the perceptual process would stop at this stage as you are not paying attention.

The third stage of perception is interpretation. It is the process of adding meaning to the stimulus through your thinking or feelings. The thinking often analyzes the stimulus against past experience. As a conversational example, if a guy recently abused you, you will interpret what he is saying differently than someone who is a great friend with him. You can see how interpretation and experiences can affect your confidence in situations.

You are better equipped in becoming more confident by identifying what experiences and thinking is affecting your interpretation of the situation. It is analyzing the situation as to why you are not confident.

Also, if you are feeling unhappy or other “negative” emotions when interpreting the situation with your feelings, you are more likely to experience negative actions such as poor confidence. It is the interpretation stage of the perceptual process which is the major focus in overcoming fear and building confidence; how you derive meaning from or “interpret” the world. The unconfident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as he or she being hated. In the exact same situation, the confident person interprets a person’s unwillingness to communicate as independent of himself or herself provided that is the truth.

Real or Fake Threat

The perceptual stage of interpretation leads us nicely into the second point in the definition of fear which is a “real or fake threat”. We fear because threats are damaging to our mental and physical well-being. Fear is a safety barrier used to protect us psychologically and physically. If it was not for fear, we would all walk into a pit of snakes without a concern for safety. We fear pain and suffering. Fear protects us but too often it holds us back from reality and excelling in performance with whatever we do. We are especially held back when a psychological fear is present like fearing rejection when meeting a new person.

The interpretation stage in perception tells us that different messages and understandings can be drawn from the same situation. How we interpret the world around is entirely dependent on our perception. We see the world through our perception. Gustave Flaubert said, “There is no truth. There is only perception.”

Say there is a car accident with many witnesses whom are asked to recall the event. Each witness will most likely have a different recollection of the event to each other because of interpretation. While some interpretations of the situation will be true, most interpretations will be fake or completely wrong.

What this means for building your confidence is a fake understanding is holding you back. You are psychologically erecting an invisible barrier to the situation which instills poor confidence within you. The psychological barrier doesn’t exist. It is completely given birth based on your wrong interpretation or perception of the situation.

When you have feared something and acted despite of the fear, how often have you found it to be the truth? It hardly ever is! Fear literally evaporates when we take action. Franklin Roosevelt in the 1933 first Inaugural Address said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” We all subconsciously make-up garbage.

As feelings, thinking, and experiences are used in interpreting the situation, it makes perceptions a very shaky and unreliable source for the truth. What you interpret from a situation is not necessarily reality and will most likely be no more then an invisible psychological barrier in developing confidence to communicate. You are most likely giving birth to fear through “make-believe” thoughts. What you fear will usually not exist!

Prepare for the Worst Case Scenario

Almost all us guys are petrified in approaching women we find attractive. Guys get petrified stiff in a way most women will never understand. A million “what ifs” rush through the guys mind. He fears rejection, being humiliated, and turned down. What this relates to and how it ties in with the interpretive stage of perception is most guys let these “threats” dominate their thinking. Just about all psychological barriers we feel or rather “make up” are entirely fake. We think about the most wackiest worst possible situation and let it control us. This is a fake understanding and destroys our confidence.

One of the greatest pieces of advice in becoming brave no matter what is to think about the worst situation that will occur than psychologically deal with it beforehand. For guys approaching girls, unless she is sulking over the balcony, holding a knife in her hand, or just had a fight, the worst thing that will happen to you is her giving your the cold-shoulder. She will just ignore you. Anything worse is entirely her problem which must not concern you. It becomes her problem and not yours. Think of how this example can be applied to your life in other situations.

Having developed the worst case scenario, prepare yourself to encounter the situation with this worst possible outcome taking place then figure out what you can do to stop it from happening. This not only helps you deal with it should it occur, but it increases the likelihood of your success. Back to the example of a guy walking up to a girl. The guy should be prepared to get the cold-shoulder and even yelled at. As crazy and unlikely that this would happen, the guy now becomes ready to face his fears of approaching the girl which are nothing in respect to the crazy situation from happening. If the worst case plays out, he is able to accept it and deal with it appropriately.

Being Needy and Seeking Approval

I’d say the most common fear unconfident people have is the need for other’s approval. When you give out the need for approval, people will sense that you are needy and unconfident. No one likes to be around these needy people. The need for approval is determined through the unconfident person’s perception so what may seem like reality is in fact unreal. You think you need another person’s approval, but confident people do not need this.

When you rise above the need to be approved by other people your confidence will soar. Your uncertainty will stop, your worrying will stop, and your fear of acceptance will stop once you do not need other’s approval.

A confident woman is her own woman. If the people she is engaging with have nothing that she wants, she is then able to be herself and not worry about what others think.

The same is for us guys except we have an extra source of motivation for not caring what others think. Attraction expert David DeAngelo sees a primary mistake guys make when trying to attract women in their lives and even once they do attract women, is the guy’s clinginess and desire to have the woman’s approval. David explains thoroughly how big of a turn-off this is for women. Surely this awakens a guy’s desire to not want other’s approval and especially amongst women.

The same is true for women who find what they feel to be Mr. Right. The woman becomes clingy and needy towards the man. She needs his approval and begs for attention. This lessens the attraction he feels for her.

Surprisingly, once you do not need approval from others, they will actually approve of you! It’s all about your inner game creating your outer game. A person who knows they do not need other’s approval will give out the message that they are confident and happy with who they are. Now that’s something other people will like!

Clarity Forms Confidence

An interesting characteristic you will notice in people who lack confidence is when they do talk just by listening you are able to tell they lack confidence. They will often talk quietly, mumble, and have poor body-language.

To many times people had to ask me to repeat what little things I did say because of my soft and unclear voice. When you are asked to repeat yourself you develop frustration thinking “Ah, why don’t they just listen?” but the problem lies in you and not them. Acknowledge that you are responsible otherwise you will never solve your problem.

When you let others overrule you, when you forgo your personal needs continuously, and when you have to repeat yourself because you mumbled all because of low confidence levels, you subconsciously condition yourself to talk less confidently. So when you talk less confidently: others begin to overrule you more, you forgo more personal needs, and you lose MORE confidence! It becomes tougher. It is a downhill spiral that can easily take you all the way to the bottom.

Here is how I solved poor voice clarity and volume. I did not learn this from anywhere else. This is from pure experience. Once you learn you do talk softly or with an unclear voice and once you desire to solve the problem, whenever you talk do so with clarity and good volume. You may not do so successfully every time, but you must try. Nothing revolutionary there.

The true tip is making 100% effort and no excuses when doing this. When you are tired or unhappy you will want to revert back to your old ways but you must not if you want to improve. You must have zero tolerance for laziness and always put in your fullest effort to communicate confidently. Also, learn to open your mouth more as you “accentuate” every word that you speak.

When you are relentless and make every effort to talk confidently, you are practicing good habits. When you practice good habits, the behavior is reinforced and you are more likely to repeat the good habit. This rule is true for any habit whether good or bad. The communication learning process will rapidly increase if you make every effort to talk confidently and practice good habits.

Accepting of Others

It is a common characteristic in those who are stubborn or righteous to lack self-confidence. You may perceive these stubborn people as being overly confident but they actually lack the confidence to welcome other’s point of views. These people shield themselves from other’s opinions by failing to listen. They lack the confidence in their own perspectives to welcome other people’s input continuing with their stubborn ways. Confident people are welcoming and not fearful of others.

Confident Non-Verbal Communication

Once you develop verbal clarity you can take the next step in developing fearless communication which is looking at your body language. You need to have high self-awareness in order to be aware of your body language. It is a matter of knowing what you do in certain situations. When you have poor body language others can see fear in you. On the other end, when you communicate confident body language, everyone – especially females – can feel it. Women love confident body language and can see a confident guy from a distance before he even speaks.

The four examples of body language that is counter-productive in developing confidence and how to solve them are:

1. Moving eye contact – people with low confidence levels rarely make eye contact and when they do, as soon as the other person returns that eye contact the person looks away. You do not look silly looking the other person in the eyes. In fact, not making eye contact makes you look weirder and is more annoying to the other person.

Good eye contact will show the person you are listening and that you are interested in what they have to say. However, you can have too much of a good thing. Excessive eye contact is non-verbal aggression. Dr. Peter Andersen, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Body Language, says you will make the other person feel comfortable with about 60% eye contact.

With practice I found that you will develop an intuition or ‘gut-feeling’ when you make the other person uncomfortable. As an example when you make to much eye contact, they will begin to not make eye contact with you or maybe fidget. At the moment, too much eye contact probably is not your concern as you are trying to develop confident body language but you still should be aware of the problems with excessive eye contact.

2. Weak touch – otherwise known as haptics, touch involves bodily contact. What area of haptics we are interested in for developing confident non-verbal communication is mostly the handshake. You will rarely use any other haptics other then a handshake in a normal social situation. It is not as if you normally go around patting people on the back or stroking their arm… I hope. That’s just strange!

What did you feel when someone shook your hand with a soft handshake? I bet you wondered if they cared about you at all or if they lacked confidence to show this concern. This is a ‘girly touch’. A good handshake depends on the receiving person. Most of the time you want a firm handshake, but occasionally with say the elderly you don’t want to be crushing their hand! For guys, when greeting ladies be aware that they do not have gigantic hard hands like you so be a little less firm. A firm handshake shows you care and is an initial way of communicating confidence when meeting someone.

3. Stay away – proxemics is body positions relative to one another. What I mean by “relative to one another” is the distance between you and the other person. You are most comfortable with an intimate or well known person being close to you as opposed to someone you just met. People with low confidence will have a much wider radius of comfort.

A more confident person will not show fear when someone “breaks” their comfortable proxemics. This does not mean they are comfortable with the closeness, it just means they do not show their discomfort. They desire the other person to stay away but they cope with the situation.

Guys, if a lady gets close to you, it is okay to feel uncomfortable. Just do not show discomfort. This will communicate that she does not intimidate you and will increase her level of attraction towards you.

An excellent example of proxemics that I can remember is two Australian Politicians on October 8 the eve of the 2004 federal election. John Howard was greeted by opposition leader Mark Latham aggressively. While Mark Latham did pull John Howard towards him when shaking hands (aggressive haptics), Latham made his body position aggressive by being extremely close and towering over the shorter John Howard. Despite this, Mr. Howard non-verbally stood his ground in confidence by continuing the handshake and smiling towards the cameras. I’m sure John Howard would have felt uncomfortable but he still communicated signs of confidence.

It was said Latham attempted to get revenge for Howard squeezing his wife’s hand too hard at a press function which I found to be funny! If only they were both able to read this!

4. Carry yourself – the last non-verbal communication technique I feel is valuable in developing confidence is kinesics. It involves body movement.

Possibly the most important kinesics in confidence is posture. A slouched posture not only screams an unconfident person, but it has a physical and psychological effect on the person with the poor posture. The physical effect of slouching your shoulders forward is it causes your chest to compress inwards. Your chest compressing simulates expelling air causing you to breathe shallowly. This means if you have poor posture you will have poor breathing.

The psychological effect of poor posture is poorer confidence. I’ll use arguably the world’s best golfer, Tiger Woods, as an example. Tiger is taught to maintain good posture as he approaches each shot. By having good posture he is able to breathe correctly and physically get his body into the right state of confidence. From this his mind is able to focus on the shot ahead. It is a trigger-fire action where one causes the other.

I know once golfer’s lose this state of confidence through poor posture, the affects are surprisingly strong. The golfer’s chest begins to tighten and everything heightens. They then lose their state of control, calmness, and confidence causing poor performance. The same relates to everyday life. We experience poor performance when our breathing becomes shallow. Our level of stress and anxiety begin to increase.

To practice a confident posture, roll your shoulders forward, upwards, and then back down to almost complete a circle. Watch your shoulders as you rotate them and if they are behind to what they were prior to doing the activity and you are comfortable, you have done the activity correctly.

For more great advice on effective body language, I have written ANOTHER free large article on how to be interesting without saying a word at my blog which is an essential read.

What Are You Saying to Yourself?

Otherwise known as self-talk, your thoughts play a large role in determining your confidence level. When you are afraid of stuffing something up in a conversation for example, you have a million thoughts rushing through your mind like: “What if he doesn’t like me?” “What if I don’t know what to say?” “What if I stuff up?” You blow your anxiety and stress to high levels by using this dangerous self-talk. It is damaging to your confidence and how you perform.

Stop worrying. Live in the present and do not talk negatively to yourself. It is as simple as that. Do not beat yourself up with negative self-talk and criticism. You don’t verbally bash your best friend so don’t do it to yourself.

When verbally beating yourself up, you feed your subconscious mind bad “mental food”. Your mind deserves nutritious positive thoughts. The effects of negative self-talk are damaging to your confidence, esteem, and overall success. How can you expect to win against the world if you’re the only person on your team and you’re against yourself? You can not do that. It is near impossible. You can not expect to develop unstoppable confidence and self-esteem fighting yourself.

Picture yourself driving in a car towards your goal. Think of negative self-talk as the brake and positive self-talk and imagery as the accelerator. When you begin to doubt yourself and let fear enter your mind, you are pressing the brakes and slowing yourself down. When you use positive self-talk you accelerate closer to becoming unstoppably confident.

Here’s the main point with the analogy. Most people are pressing the accelerator down by being positive but they do not build in confidence because they are also pressing the brakes by using negativity! It does not really matter if you have positive self-talk, imagery, and visualization because the negativity will stop you from becoming confident.

Top professional athletes are completely aware of their self-talk. Take Tiger Woods for example again. The guy’s roaring with confidence. How can he sink a putt on the 18th to win a golfing major if he’s saying to himself “Oh Tiger. This looks hard. You’re not going to able to get this”? He doesn’t do that! If he did, he would then miss the putt and will verbally bash himself further hurting his confidence to putt well. He does not use negative self-talk which is a contributor to his confidence and success.

Talk and think positively by using affirmations that are congruent with your communication and self goals. Continually say to yourself “I am confident” and by simply thinking and saying this to yourself, you become a more confident person. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This technique is actually very helpful in becoming happier. If you want to be happier anytime, just simply tell yourself you are happy and do happy things. You become happier! Your mind can only hold one dominant thought at a time so make it an empowering thought for your success. Use the principle of substitution by substituting a positive thought for a negative thought then watch your life change before your very eyes.

You will become more confident by affirming that you are confident. It does not matter if you truly are. The process of manifestation states your thoughts lead to feelings which lead to actions. Your thoughts ultimately become your actions and your actions become your reality. Like I have repeatedly said, what goes on inside of you will be seen outside of you.

Love Yourself

As corny and weird as this may sound, love yourself. You do not need to be a jerk that is up himself or herself but you do need to treat yourself like a champion. You will create a higher self-perception and people will treat you better because of this. Treat yourself like rubbish and so will people. You need to be a cheerleader for yourself as others will most likely not be. You are the only person on your team. A lot of these things I have explained such as healthy self-talk will develop once you see and respect yourself like a champion.

Ensuring You Become Confident

I did not and you certainly will not make a giant leap to becoming unstoppably confident. You won’t wake up one morning feeling transformed. It is a progressive journey that takes time. You will stuff up but you can actually enjoy it if you are aware that you will make mistakes.

Just like the need to be aware that a marriage will not be perfect before entering into it, you will enjoy progressively becoming more confident and the likelihood of you achieving unstoppable confidence will increase if you accept mistakes. Screw ups are a part of life.

An extremely powerful message that will reassure you that you are developing and becoming more confident, deals with your thoughts. I have repeatedly explained how your outer game is reflected with what goes on inside of you. To know if you will become confident in the future, look at your mind today. To see who you are today, look at your thoughts in the past. In general, your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past.

If you are not confident today, it was because of your thoughts in the past. If you are changing your thinking processes today you can project your mindset onto who you will become in the future. This means in the future, who you become will be because of your thoughts now.

It may seem obvious that working on your confidence now will mean you become more confident in the future, but there are two usual problems people experience.

The first problem is motivation. It can be extremely demotivating and depressing to be unconfident now so you can easily expect to not be confident in the future.

A second problem is people often do not realize that who they are today is because of their past. I actually encourage you to memorize “your future is created from your present against the backdrop of the past” as it will provide a great source of inspiration to keep developing yourself.

Practice, Practice, and Practice

The last point I want to make is encouraging you to go out and practice what you have learned today. Dale Carnegie said:

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to practice. If you have shyness problems, you will never overcome the problem thinking about it. Most fear comes about from thinking too much. Just get out there, take action, and you will see the fear is in fact a fact threat. The best conqueror of fear, negative emotions, and uncertainty is action. You will remove any doubts you have and in the process develop valuable experience.

You have learned all about your fears and how to communicate confidently so do not let them re-enter with inaction. You have got the knowledge now and all you have to do is apply, learn from your mistakes, and reapply! Go out and practice what you have learned here today and you will be well on your way to becoming a more confident person. Go on! Get out and get busy!

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