Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

In part three of the course, I taught you how to apologize correctly. This part is going to teach you how to leverage part three of the course through the alternative ways you can apologize.

You might be asking yourself, “Why should I learn alternative ways of apologizing?” I recommend you learn alternative ways to apologize because not every situation and person is the same. Apologizing face-to-face will work for you in one situation, but it won’t for you in another. You can fix your mistakes in a more effective way by learning alternatives to apologizing directly in person.

Writing

Sometimes talking to the person is not always the thing to do. They may not want to talk to you so any attempt you make in apologizing face-to-face will cause them to be resistant, avoidant, or aggressive. Do not confront the person if talking to the individual will have negative affects. Don’t tip fuel on the fire! In these cases, a written apology is the best answer.

What you don’t want to be doing is writing an apology because you’re scared. You don’t want to be writing apologies based on your fear in facing the other person. Fear to confront the issue and not take personal radical responsibility is a poor motive for writing an apology, which has been repeatedly discussed throughout the course. However, this is better than not apologizing at all. Do remember that bypassing fear is cheating yourself and will affect many areas of your life.

The greatest thing about doing a written apology is the clear expression of what you intend to say and having it received in an effective manner. If I write you an apology for being late to a meeting, do you think you’d be able to interrupt me and not hear my full story? Nope. That’s impossible of course. You read exactly what I have to say. I get my full story across in the way I want and without interuptions. You are not able to interrupt, jump to conclusions, or misjudge me and this benefits both you and I.

By writing your apology, you plan and express yourself correctly without the pressures of the moment that cause us to mistakenly say twords we later regret. You avoid the other person pressuring you with their body language (especially when the person can burn a hole through you with their stare!) and other distractions that stray us from our conversations. Planning was a tip I offered in apologizing correctly.

Lastly, by writing an apology it shows a true concern for the other person. It doesn’t take much effort to write one, but when you do it shows effort and awareness for the relationship. It shows you have put some serious thought into it. Even if you don’t write the perfect apology you will still benefit. The other person knows you are trying and will be thankful for it. This would likely be true for you when a written letter from someone you frequently see is an uncommon occurance.

As a simple template for an effective written apology, I recommend you use the five steps for a written apology by marriage counsellor Peter Pearson, Ph.D. It is an excellent template you can use to write an effective apology. All you do is: 1) describe the problem, 2) describe the problem’s effect on the victim, 3) describe the reason for the behavior, 4) describe the reason for changing the behavior, and 5) list a penalty should you fail to change.

Someone Else

Let’s say the person you hurt doesn’t want to hear from you or there is some other unusual reason you do not want to apologize face-to-face. Getting someone else to apologize for you is probably the best option. However, there are a few problems with this alternative to apologizing yourself:

• You don’t have any control over what the person will say. While you can recommend things you want them to say, what the person says at the time is ultimately dependent on them and the situation.
• It is best to hear it from the horse’s mouth so-to-speak. The believability and sincerity is far greater when you apologize for your own mistake. Expect somebody else apologizing for you to have less impact as you saying it face-to-face.
• It is impersonal to have someone else perform such an emotional intensive action for you.

If the hurt person does not want to talk to you, don’t worry as you can get someone to apologize on your behalf. Also, refer back to a previous part in the course on timing as you may just need time to allow for openness and healing. Time can be theraputic.

Gift

The good ole bribe! Gifts are a tangible form of restoring faith. It is an effective means that shows you care, which surprisingly benefits you. Giving a gift is a way of making the principle of reciprocation work in your favor.

However, giving someone a gift as an alternative to saying “sorry” face-to-face works is to be used sparingly. If you give gifts as your only way of apologizing, the recipent will be more than happy to keep receiving the gifts, but will only accept them on their face-value. The person will not accept the reason behind you giving the gift. When you use this technique excessively, people will take the gift and reject the apology.

Combination

You’ve been given three alternative ways to apologize, in addition to a standard face-to-face apology. Each alternative form of apology has its own subcategories:

• You can write a note, a letter, an email.
• You can use a variety of people to send your apologies.
• You can give several gifts ranging from chocolates, a card, or something that solves your mistake. For example, you accidentally deleted someone else’s important files on the computer so you pay to have those files recovered by a computer professional.

To give you even more ways to apologize, you can combine any of the ways of apologizing together. Send the person a box of chocolates with a letter of apology and later that day have a friend express how down and sorry you feel about hurting them. You can see there are many ways to apologizing and the only limit is your imagination.

Don’t go overboard with your apologies and make a big issue over something that is small. It is very annoying to have someone constantly say “sorry” or use other forms of apologizing when you have forgiven the person and moved on. When the person has forgiven you, move on.

Finishing this lesson up, this lesson has taught you the many alternative ways you can apologize to fix your mistakes. By using face-to-face apologizing, writing, gifts, someone else, and combinations, you’ll by fixing your mistakes in no time and moving on with your life.

Links in this Course: Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain – A Five Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom

1. Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes Made in Apologizing
3. How to Apologize Correctly
4. Alternative Ways of Apologizing
5. Finding the Art of Forgiveness

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