Improving Our “Signals” and “Beings”

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“When you give yourself, you receive more than you give.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Trying to get without first giving is as fruitless as trying to reap without having sown.” - Napoleon Hill

“Whether by presenting us with an initial favor or initial concession, the requester will have enlisted a powerful ally in the campaign for our compliance. At first glance, our fortunes in such a situation would appear dismal. We could comply with the requester’s wish and, in so doing, succumb to the reciprocity rule. Or, we could refuse to comply and thereby suffer the brunt of the rule’s force upon our deeply conditioned feelings of fairness and obligation. Surrender or suffer heavy casualties.” - Robert Cialdini in Influence

Have you ever wondered why organizations: give you free samples of their products, donate money to charity, or do something that is generally perceived as nice? Yes, they can get you to trial their products and if you like the products then they will have you as a buying customer. They also can get free publicity by donating money to a charity. However, there is another side to this story.

The rule of reciprocation states that humans have an inherent desire to return favors. This influential principle is beneficial to an organization when you feel their free sample or donation is a favor for you. By doing you a favor they will have influenced you to return it in the form of buying their products or services.

The organization example is not the best to demonstrate the principle of reciprocation because we sometimes don’t perceive it as a favor. If we perceive a tactic as a trick, then it will backfire. The principle of reciprocation says we return favors with favors and not tricks with favors. Do not fall for making a decision or getting another to make a decision based off a trick.

In the introduction of this course, I mentioned how each influential principle can be misused. Even though a principle can be used for the wrong reason, it does not make the principle itself “wrong”. It is up to you to not manipulate others with the reciprocation rule in tricking the person that you did them a favor.

Reciprocation in Personal Relationships

There are stronger applications of this influential principle than the one I provided where an organization gives you a free sample of their products. Think of how the rule of reciprocation could apply to our relationships. Do you think it would be possible to get an attractive partner by doing them favorable things?

The short answer to this question is “no”. The human emotions of attraction, love, and intimacy cannot be consistently manipulated with favors. If a person believes it can be, then they need to contrast their current experience with a non-manipulating experience and they will see the difference. This isn’t to say that people like supermodels won’t marry rich guys for their favors. The couple just won’t feel the attraction and intimacy. They will experience an unfulfilling relationship based on gifts. Attraction is to strong of an emotion to be manipulated by a favor. Those who are in relationships because of favors have ulterior motives.

I don’t know whether this is clear to you, but think of guys who buy women drinks at a bar or nightclub. The guys are unknowingly using the rule of reciprocation in a poor context by trying to do the woman a favor and hoping for something in return. Of course, the women accept the drinks then give the guy a cold shoulder because it is perceived as a trick.

Reciprocation has its place in getting the relationships you want, but only to a degree. This influential principle does not replace the rules of relationships. It is only complementary meaning it must be used with other relationship skills. In a serious relationships context like trying to strengthen your marriage or finding a lifetime partner, reciprocation will be less useful than if it was for a normal friendship.

Verbal Favor and Reciprocation

The power behind compliments lays in the basis of the reciprocation rule. You’ll notice that when someone gives you a “verbal favor” like a compliment, you all of a sudden feel compelled to return the favor by complimenting the person back. If the compliment was well delivered, you’ll stutter your way into quickly trying to find something you can compliment the person on. The principle of reciprocation has as much power through words than it does through physical gifts.

Do the Favor First

You can get more out of the reciprocation principle by firstly doing the person a favor prior to making your request. This isn’t just religious, but a proven component of reciprocation within influence. Investing in your relationships and most other things upfront, will give you a future return that will often be larger than your investment. It is not unusual to receive a large favor from someone at a later time in reciprocation to a small favor you gave earlier on.

Business owners are generally encouraged to offer something upfront to another business before requesting a partnership or some joint venture deal. Doing so increases the strength of the relationship and the likelihood of the giver to receive a larger return later on. To move up in your career of choice, I advise you to begin donating your services to those who influence how successful you become. Join groups, clubs, and organizations where there are “big players” in your career, then offer your time and efforts. If you constantly do so with enthusiasm and in a successful manner, I can almost guarantee those “big players” will want to help you.

Contrasting Principle

A salesman will offer you an expensive item which he knows you will reject. He then offers you a cheaper item which is made to appear as an attractive offer because of the contrasting with the expensive item. The salesman uses the contrasting rule where the less expensive item is seen as desirable solely because it is contrasted against an expensive item. The example also incorporates the reciprocation rule because the cheaper item acts like a favor he is doing for you because he is “saving” you money.

Realtors have been known to use this influential tactic unethically by taking their potential customer to a steeply overpriced house the housing agency has reserved for this specific influential tactic. Once the customers see the undesirable house, the Realtor then shows the house the customer is most likely to buy. The cheaper and more desirable house is seen as a wonderful deal when compared against the overpriced dump seen earlier. The Realtor is making use of the contrasting and reciprocation principles.

The contrasting principle does not work when the first request that is made appears to be unreasonable. In fact, the influential tactic is likely to backfire and decrease your influential power. It is absolutely necessary for the first request to appear reasonable such that the person believes the “jump” from the first to second request isn’t extremely large. Your first request can’t be seen as a bluff. We all know when an initial request is extreme and we feel manipulated as a result. The contrasting principle is believable and honest. You don’t have to expect the person to accept your first request though it should be within reason for them to. If a person does accept your first request, then you have just received more out of the situation!

To further demonstrate the contrasting principle, let’s say you are trying to get your children to do the dishes by using the contrasting principle. The principle would backfire when you make your first request, “Would you all like to clean the entire house?” which the children would straight-away decline as they know it’s unreasonable. You follow it up with the request that is your goal, “Would you children please do the dishes?” Your children would likely refuse to do the dishes because you made an unreasonable first request where you “abused” the contrasting principle and principle of reciprocation.

You would have greater success in getting your children to do the dishes by firstly making a larger request that appears reasonable such as, “Would you children please sweep the kitchen floor and then do the dishes?” You follow this initial request up with the second request you wish for them to accept, “Okay. Would you children please do the dishes?”

You don’t have to be limited to giving gifts and other donations to use the principle of reciprocation. As you remember from above, giving well-deserved praise such as a compliment can influence the person to return the favor. Think of ways you can use reciprocation and contrasting in your conversations and you’ll be well on your way to increasing your influential power.

Links in this Course: The 6 Principles of Influencing People

• Introduction to Influencing People
• 1. Commitment and Consistency
• 2. Reciprocation
• 3. Scarcity
• 4. Authority
• 5. Liking
• 6. Social Proof

You can download this entire course in a neat report format by right clicking here and selecting “save target as”. You can keep a copy safely on your computer. The report is in .pdf format so you will need this free software to view it.

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