- guide to giving other people criticism

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In brief:
Too often people criticize another person's behavior the wrong way causing the criticism to be perceived as a personal attack on them. The difficulty lies in how to correct a deficiency without damaging the other person's ego. Here's twelve excellent tips in giving others criticism.

How To Give Criticism Without Bruising Egos

As responsible managers, employees, parents, and friends, we have an obligation to help correct the mistakes of the other people we have established relationships with in order to enhance their own personal success. The difficulty that lies before us is how to correct a deficiency without damaging the delicate ego that lies just underneath that thin surface. Too often people criticize another person's behavior the wrong way and that criticism is then perceived to be a personal attack on them. Constructive criticism involves not only pointing out a weakness, but also offering a solution to correct it. In order to give constructive criticism, we must first seek the solution to the problem before we point it out to the person. By doing this, we effectively separate the behavior from the ego and preserve the relationship in the process.

Here Are Some Strategies For Giving Constructive Criticism:

1. Never criticize while you are angry. If your emotions are controlling your actions, then avoid any type of criticism. It becomes too easy to use that criticism as a chance to make a personal attack on the other person when emotions are high. Distance yourself and give yourself time to regain your own composure before you address a behavior that needs correcting.

2. Always offer a better solution. Know the difference between disliking a certain behavior because you don't personally like it versus disliking a behavior in favor of a more effective way of completing an objective. Instead, use the power of objective logic and rational explanation to show the person that there really is a more effective way of doing the same task that will enhance their own success and productivity.

3. Always maintain respect. This means treating the other person in a dignified manner, especially in front of their peers. The psychological consequences of embarrassing or disrespecting someone in front of their peers can be very devastating for many people. It is so severe in fact, that such embarrassment has been a major factor in 80% of all violent incidents in the workplace and at schools. Constructive criticism is a personal and private process that should only be shared between involved parties. Also, it is just as important not to make it apparent to other people that you are giving, or going to give criticism or reprimand. Asking someone to come into your office in front their peers can be just as damaging as criticizing them in public. Appreciate the other person's need for respect and dignity and you will avoid a lot of needless interpersonal conflict.

4. Focus on the problem, not the person. When giving constructive criticism, make sure that you stay focused on addressing the problem to be corrected, rather than just assigning blame. The "problem" is an objective issue that you can work cooperatively on to enhance both of your interests. Focusing on the person, however, will always be construed as a personal attack against them - even if it is not meant to be. Personal attacks are always followed up with resentment and anger, which can actually be more detrimental in the long run because it can cause deep-seated hostility, which in turn, can lead to poor morale, clandestine or saboteur behavior against you and your organization, and displays of passive-resistance. Remember that the person has feelings and those feelings can be easily broken by a wrong approach. Whenever you give criticism, follow the golden rule of attacking the problem, while being gentle on the person.

5. Demonstrate empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand another person and their feelings in pretty much the same way that they understand themselves. Empathy is the ability to step into the shoes of the other person and see the world from their perspective. For example, sometimes managers forget what it is like to be the new person on the job because they have grown accustom to a certain procedure or routine that is second nature to them. Remember that people don't always see things as you do and part of being a good trainer or friend is being able to understand the other person's position and work with them at their level - not your own.

6. Give them time to speak. Human beings have a psychological need to be heard and understood. If this need is not met then frustration and anger will soon develop. Arguments happen when both parties are talking and no one is actually listening. Defuse this conflict early on by simply allowing the other person to discuss the relevant issues at hand without interruption.

7. Never label the person. A label is any sort of derogatory "name-calling" that has no purpose other than making the other person feel bad. Examples include, idiot, stupid, dumb, jerk, etc. Attaching a negative label on the person being criticized is an inappropriate approach because it dehumanizes them and it creates a psychological detachment in your mind from seeing and treating them as a human being, making it easier for you to be angry with them.

8. Focus on the future, not the past. Blaming someone for their past behavior does nothing but generate conflict because the other person has no control over past events. Nothing can be done about past mistakes, so your main concern is that it does not happen in the future. So instead of focusing on the past, empower the other person with the ability to change their future and use the past as a teaching tool.

9. Cushion harsh statements. Softening words are designed to cushion and take the bite out of harsh statements. Some examples of softening words are, "I think," "I suppose," "it seems," "I believe," might, possibly, maybe, at times, etc. Softening words work because they leave some open room for interpretation rather than being a solid "black and white" statement. So instead of making a harsh statement such as, "You're report is terrible," replace it with a softened statement such as, "It seems to me that perhaps this part of your report might need revising." The psychological effect of rewording a statement this way can reduce a lot of emotional tension from a criticism.

10. Give them an opportunity to correct their behavior. This is an important step for any criticism because it works at two different levels. On the first level, giving them the opportunity to correct their behavior puts the onus of correcting that behavior in their hands and reinforces the point that they must be held accountable for their actions. On a second level, giving them the opportunity to correct their behavior will give them an opportunity to redeem themselves and save face with you, which will make it easier for them to put their past behavior behind them and move forward.

11. Let them know you genuinely care about them. Criticism is usually associated as being negative because it is often abused as a transport vehicle for personal attacks. However, constructive criticism can be a positive gift when the core message behind that criticism is that the person cares about the other person genuinely enough to want them to succeed in the future. Constructive criticism is one of the main tests that separates regular people from genuine caring friends. True friends will be honest with you and even risk generating some conflict if they believe that their constructive criticism will help you improve your life. Make sure that the person knows that your constructive criticism is done because you genuinely care about the other person and that you value your relationship with them. They will respect you more for being honest with them.

12. Avoid making ultimatums and threats. One of the biggest negotiating mistakes that professionals and individuals make is using ultimatums and threats to carry a message. An example of an ultimatum is: "If you do this again, you're out of here." A subtle version of this is: "If you don't like what I have to say, then why don't you leave?" Ninety-nine percent of the time these ultimatums and threats are made out of emotional impulse with little, if any, rational thought put into them. If the other person submits to your ultimatum, then usually they will do so with a lot of suppressed anger because the power card was played on them. At worst, a threat or ultimatum compels the other person to react by calling your bluff, which usually ends in a lose-lose outcome for both parties. Try not to make any ultimatums or threats when giving constructive criticism.

By using these twelve strategies, you can effectively turn criticism into an opportunity for personal and professional growth for all parties.

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