- secrets a man has in relationships

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In brief:
Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them

Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

Being close doesn't mean being "fused" into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person's sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 4 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.

1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women

Don't pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn't look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn't use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.

Looking at and responding to others doesn't mean he doesn't find you desirable, or that he's comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.

2)Details of his past relationships

Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man's past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he's as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he's really over a past love. There's no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don't hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn't want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn't want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.

Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.

3)Whether or not he's really happy in the relationship?

Many women just can't wait to get around to the "relationship" discussion. They want to know how he's feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don't know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it's going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that's healthy in a relationship is on-going. It's good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise - have them heard and attended to.

Sitting down for an "intense" discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.

4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?

Many women become possessive of their man's attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.

Some women interfere with her man's friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are - fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives. When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don't question him about details, don't make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you. cc/author/2006

Comments

michael
20 Jun 2007, 03:26

What do you do if your girlfriend is obsessed about your past and wants to know everything you did and what you are doing?

Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com)
20 Jun 2007, 14:27

It depends how long you've been together. If you've only been together for no more than a couple of months and you don't want to tell her, let her know how you feel about it in an assertive manner.

You can say something like: "da da da... I don't think it's a good idea to talk about other relationships. They ended for a reason. Nothing useful will come out of talking about it."

Whatever you do, don't say it in an aggressive manner or in a way that seems as though you are hiding something.

You can also send them to this page ;)

dagroo
26 Jun 2007, 02:38

What type of friends should a married man hang out with? Married, single, divorced or all in order to enrich experiences? So what if your woman chooses type of friend for you i.e. only married ones (birds of same feathers).

Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com)
02 Jul 2007, 10:10

Hmmm... a married man can only hang out with divorced women over the age of 30 who have brown hair... hang out with whoever you want.

ayour
05 Aug 2007, 04:39

Azoul,
I think that also men want to know everything about their women past, so it whould be a good idea if they talk together about their past !
Tanemmirt.

Cher
10 Aug 2007, 15:51

Yikes! I think I may have screwed up on being smooth and trying to win my ex boyfriend back!
Three months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend Danny because we weren't getting along. Two days after the brake, he ended up moving in with a toothless old bag who has a face from hell. Off and on, Danny has contacted me and I think he wants to get back together. But while we were apart, I had been seeing Chris because I knew me and Danny were through. Chris asked me to marry him and I said yes. But I decided that it would not be wise for me and Chris to get married because we have only known each other for two months and the wedding was to be in August. Besides, I only wanted to marry Chris because I could not have Danny and anything is better than being all by your self. The more I thought about the wedding, the more scared I got until I dumped Chris. Then, Danny started contacting me again. He came to see me last Saturday and before he left, he asked me how I had been. I told him that I had just broken up with Chris and that we were going to get married this month had I not split with him. And I told him that at first I had said yes. I told him that I broke it off with Chris because it was too soon and the idea of marriage so soon scared me. Naturally, Danny agreed with me and in a round about way told me that I would have been foolish to get married right now. I then told him that the reason I had told Chris that I would marry him is because at that time I figured that if Danny and I could not make it after twenty one months, than whats the difference in getting married after three months. Now, I have not heard from him and I am scared that my telling him about Chris really messed things up. But what the heck? Danny and I were split up when Chris came along. I do want to get back with Danny (and no, I have not tried to contact him, I want him to contact me) eventually.What do I do to defuse the situation?

zainab
03 Sep 2007, 03:22

i really think u screwed up telling him that u were not able to get together after 21 months but on the other hand he will know now that u r someone who doesnot want to fool around and that if he wants u he really has to make a commitment.
actually i believ in the saying that goes...
"if u love something badly let it go.
if it comes back to you then it is going to be yours forever...
if it doesnot come back it will never be yours."

qudus babatunde
05 Sep 2007, 06:13

we have been together for about a year now, some little misunderstanding did occur but always settled within ourself amicably.Last Month August thursday 23nd 2007 the situation got beyound our control, i raised my hand on her at about 22hrs, she cried! not less than 5mins i moved closer to her kneedown before her beging and apologising for what i did unconsciously, she moved on the bed lying, i was still pleading whit her, satting down on the floor with my back against the wall shedding ties for what i had cost my self. i couldn't sleep till day light. i gave her some money to get drugs later, we part to our various off. To cut long story short, she siad, it was related to some peaple and she was told to end the relationship.
please! i still love this girl! what should i do?.

Asha
27 Sep 2007, 04:18

Hi Joshua,

Its a very nice article.. Thanks for providing such articles...

Regards,
Asha

labtec
29 Oct 2007, 13:21

we have brake-up last year.he is a basketball and he went to another place to play and i decided to brake-up.but we talk alla the time.what should i do?
thank you

angel
31 Oct 2007, 08:54

we ve been together for 13months now but he is a bag of emotions which keeps me in a state of confusion.i hate guys who beat their women n my guy belongs to this group.i made up mind several times to leave him but i couldnt cos he would cry n beg me not to walk away from his life.Now, i cant really explain the reason we are still 2gether,is it love or the pity i have for him?.i came about this question after the last time he slapped me,to my greatest surprise i slapped him 2x.i am confused cos am not the violent type and cant imagine myself slapping the one i love for any reason.Maybe i dont love him any more or what do you think?yet i cant leave him cos he wont let me and i dont want to hurt him.please i need your sincere advice now before i go nuts. God bless you.

Maliha
13 Dec 2007, 08:08

I really enjoyed the article and i am glad i do follow it most of the time. My boyfriend is a very workaholic and that makes it hard for us to see eachother too much.I am very supportive and have never complained about that. I do meet him once or twice a week and we do talk on and off but at times i feel ignored and feel like he also needs to give himself sometime.I miss seeing him around as much as i think we need to. i am feeling disconnected and at times i feel maybe he doesnt care eventhough deep down inside i know he does. i wish there was a way to know whats happening.

jasmin
14 Dec 2007, 00:32

i recently have problems with my boyfriend. he is so inlove with me to the point of getting serious. i love him but not as much as he loves me. i really feel bad about myself this days, mainly because i feel guilty. what will i do? i dont know what to do, whether to continue our relationship or break up with him. i know both will hurt him. pls help me

aironmae
15 Dec 2007, 01:54

what can a girl do if the guy hesitates to reveal his feeligs to the girl just because he knew that theirs this guy whose courting the girl he likes?
then the girl seemingly much like the guy who is hesitate with his feelings towards the girl

jeremiah
09 Jan 2008, 06:40

what a powerful truth.this is a true reflection of who men are.i personally see myself in it as a man.thanks for unfolding these mystery only found in the world of men.

Aj
11 Jan 2008, 11:00

love takes ALOT of time. no one should ask if they are loved... and you should give all requisition to your lover for all they do, but dont hand them extras. (they must earn it) Aj.

lisa
18 Jan 2008, 11:57

i do EXACTLY what the article says not to.. but im WAY too too toooooo possesive about my guy... ne sugestions?!

kristen
19 Jan 2008, 04:35

hi joshua, i went through one of your article about 4 secret men ......, but you seems to picture more on the masculine line what about the feminine, i thoughtit talks about relationships, which is suppose to be on both gender not one. anyway thanks for the knowledge you have given

Riz
22 Jan 2008, 14:24

Hi All, its really a nice article, but I have some concerns about it. Life is not that easy as is portrayed in it. No one has courage to tolerate the mistakes of others, or, the things you don't like in other. Honestly speaking, I have observed that relationships become stronger if there are small arguments and fights among them about their possessiveness for eachother. but the most important thing is to go back and confess to eachother. That shows love for eachother. Remember, opposition is always very important without which things become boring and stagnent.

Commenting has been disabled due to spam from automated programs. However, commenting on my blog is still enabled. Sorry for any inconvenience. There is some good news though. In July 2008, Earthling Communication will be transformed into an entirely new site where you will be able to talk with others about communication and personal development until your heart's content! That is only the shell of what you will get for free inside this new site. Subscribe to Earthling Newsletter for more information coming soon. - Joshua Uebergang (15 March 2008)

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