- positive and negative energy in conversations

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In brief:
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde. We all know how it feels when certain people come or go in our conversations. We become happy when some people leave the conversation and for others we're happy when they enter the conversation. So what are the causes of the negative energy that surronds the people whom we're happy to see leave the conversation? Find out what it is and also what you can do to have positive energy in your conversations.

Conversational Energy

Some people drain us, some people enliven us. We've all had this experience. The classic negative example is that of the "wet blanket" who quickly depresses the lively human energy after entering a room. Other more contemporary terms for such a person are "energy sapper" or "psychic vampire."

There is also those persons at the other end of the energy spectrum whose presence seems to give us more aliveness. I am not aware of a term for such persons and can only describe them as radiant, fresh, hopeful, resilient, accepting - - words like that. When they enter a room, everyone "lightens up."

Although the energy-sapping person may not appear depressed or even negative, yet in the area of emotional energy, they are needy. They may, for example, be highly active, even frenetic. To replenish themselves, what they often seek is our rapt attention. They talk, and we listen. Generally - but not always - the content of their talk is about them: their lives, their work, their problems, their aches and pains. They chatter on.

Although they are usually self-absorbed, they sometimes claim to be selfless because they intrude themselves into others space. (This has sometimes been termed "the selfishness of selflessness.") By the time we depart from their company they are feeling refreshed . . . and we are feeling depleted. Their negative energy that saps ours need not be transmitted orally, only through words and content.

The sappers can also do this by listening to us half-heartedly, without real interest or support, waiting for our attention to turn once again to them. Actually, we can experience a drain in our energy merely being in their presence, when our bio-fields intersect. (You know, that field of energy that extends out beyond our skin from 12 to 24 inches.) Ask yourself this question: "Are there people in your life who more often than not leave you feeling worse when you interact with them?"

If yes, you'd be well advised to minimize the amount of contact with them. Of course, you'd be wise to increase the amount of contact with those people who leave you feeling better after you interact with them. You know the experience. Like being out in nature on a beautiful spring day, when the breeze is fresh, the sun warm, the flowers in bloom. Or in a forest of old-growth trees, quiet and wise. Welcoming, receptive, hospitable. No wonder so many of us, surrounded by asphalt and machines, crave contact with nature, and also with human beings that are similarly life-giving.

• And how about us in our contact with others?
• Do people feel better for the contact?
• Do we give off an energy that is hospitable and generous, resilient and life-giving?
• Is our emotional energy tank nearly full, or running on empty?
• Can we remain still and composed and receptive, or must we always fill silent space with chatter?

Those refreshing persons who have plenty of energy to share, who are like artesian wells of positive emotional energy, have some characteristics in common. One of them is that their lives have meaning and purpose. Because they can experience satisfaction from their activities, their energy is replenished.

Often, these people have a strong spiritual connection which they maintain through meditation, prayer, contact with Nature, or perhaps the arts. They also tend to have strong and deep connections with people in community or family. They are not loners.

As well, I have found, they don't take themselves very seriously, even though they may be passionate about their work or larger causes. They are able to laugh at themselves. Although their lives are complex and have problems, they don't carry with them much emotional baggage. They handle their problems, and they don't have "leaky boundaries" through which negative energy escapes.

The "good energy" people may not be rich or famous, but they are good to be around and worth emulating. As you spend time with them, learn what you can so that you, too, can become even more the kind of nourishing person they already are.

Comments

ousmane traoré
06 Dec 2006, 06:06

I feel interested in what you are doing and even appreciate it for two main reasons. First of all,I need it so as to be confident when talking in front of many people, and even to convince them during my lectures. Secondly,sometimes with people , I think don't care much about I tell

ben a kips
22 Jan 2007, 12:07

What a wonderful article for men. Keep it up. Life is a revolution. Thanks

gita
08 Feb 2007, 22:14

Dear Josh,
The article is very true.But I dont know where I fall in. Sometimes there are people who say they missed me and would like to speak to me once a while since I am quite chirpy and positive. But I prefer to be left alone sometimes and have some private time for myself. Our house is always visited by someone or the other, and some quietness and privacy is more a luxury. Given the 2 options of spending time in the garden or talking to somebody, i definitely prefer the former. So am I a loner. On some occassions I feel people would prefer not to have me around.So is it possible that we seem positive to some and negative to some others. How can I judge when I am giving out negative vibes?

I strongly get entangled with suckers thinking that I do them a favour by listening to them and help them release. At the end I do feel very drained. How can I checkmate such situations?

Gita

Joshua (EarthlingCommunication.com)
09 Feb 2007, 08:37

Of course its possible we are positive and negative to different people. What causes this though? There are tonne of individual factors like mood, attitude, stress, etc. Work on your self understanding / self awareness to know what vibes you're shooting at people.

Feeling drained after listening to a "sucker" is the price of you truly listening - congrats on having the skills :). You can avoid the situation or listen less intently by becoming a little more hard-hearted, but what do you want to do? You could learn to re-lift your mood up afterwards instead.

amina
11 Feb 2007, 10:11

Hi Joshua.
when i read Gita's comment,i felt that it reflect what i feel too,i mean that sometimes i feel that i'm an energy sapper and some other times i feel that i'm a refreshing person.i think that these intermingled feelings aren't always tha come out of various individual actors as u stated,Joshua;i feel that when i have conversations with my friends,they appreciate my presence,but when i talk to older people i'm nothing but a sucker.so,in my case it's,it's due to generation gap,isn't it?

Joshua (EarthlingCommunication.com)
28 Feb 2007, 08:22

You wouldn't be "sucker" because of the generation gap. Something is originating in you deeper than your age difference. Perhaps the older people listen to you or you have felt from a young age your parents would provide an "emotional outlet"? Maybe you feel more comfortable and safe around these people that you finally open-up...

Commenting has been disabled due to spam from automated programs. However, commenting on my blog is still enabled. Sorry for any inconvenience. There is some good news though. In July 2008, Earthling Communication will be transformed into an entirely new site where you will be able to talk with others about communication and personal development until your heart's content! That is only the shell of what you will get for free inside this new site. Subscribe to Earthling Newsletter for more information coming soon. - Joshua Uebergang (15 March 2008)

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