Passive-Aggressive Behavior in a Husband or Wife

In brief:
Does your spouse sound supportive and say all the right things, only to sabotage your efforts? Learn about the hidden anger and manipulation that creates "Crazy-Making Behavior" and how to recognize your mate's passive-aggressive actions. Seven tips for handling a spouse's passive-aggressive behavior are given.

Is Your Mate's Passive-Aggressive Behavior Crazy?

Kayla's husband Jon is an expert at getting out of things he doesn't want to do. He "forgets" to stop by the store on the way home from work when he doesn't want to be bothered. If he doesn't want to help Kayla with the house cleaning, he does such a poor job that she ends up redoing his part.

Outwardly, Jon is agreeable and compliant. When Kayla asks him to do something, he'll generally say "okay" or nod in agreement. Kayla has been let down so many times now that she'll generally grill Jon on whether he will really remember to pick up the milk on the way home or drop off the cleaning.

Each time he promises to remember, and sometimes he actually does follow through. But much of the time he never has any intention of doing what he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by. He has found that it's easier to say "yes" when asked and then offer an excuse.

Jon has become an expert at sabotaging Kayla's efforts to get him to take on more responsibility with the kids and housework. He has "taught" her that he can't be depended on and that if she wants to be sure something is done right, she'll have to do it.

Kayla has begun thinking that she doesn't really have two children, but instead that she really has three, counting her spouse. Behavior that was age-appropriate when Jon was five and deliberately "forgetting" to put his toys away after being asked isn't appropriate or helpful now as an adult. In fact, a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can destroy intimacy and happiness in a marriage.

Individuals with passive-aggressive behavior express their anger and hostility through indirect, passive actions. Instead of saying "I don't think it's fair that you expect me to clean the bathroom," he ( or she) doesn't protest-he just never gets around to doing it.

Then, when the mate eventually explodes after numerous frustrating experiences, the passive-aggressive partner just looks at the mate calmly, making her feel like the crazy one. He always has rationalizations and excuses ready and never takes responsibility or admits he's at fault in any way. He always blames someone or something else.

He can be so convincing that sometimes the partner will find herself apologizing for getting so upset with him. Thus, the manipulation comes full circle and now the spouse still has the original problem on her shoulders-not enough help from her husband. He has "won" because he knows that he can get off the hook again whenever he needs to.

The passive-aggressive spouse knows the weak spots of his partner and is often practiced in using sarcastic and cruel remarks under the guise of "humor". He'll say that the mate is too serious or doesn't have a sense of humor if she objects, but the "humor" is barbed with hostility and criticism-another indirect way of getting back at a partner instead of expressing feelings directly and looking for solutions.

Many wives have had their diets sabotaged by a passive-aggressive husband who suddenly started bringing home candy or encouraging the wife to have dessert "just this one time". Fear of the spouse becoming too attractive and being noticed by other men is generally at the root of this type of passive-aggressive behavior.

On the surface, the husband may sound supportive, but he is really working to sabotage the wife's efforts to improve her looks and wellbeing. He is threatened by it and doesn't want her to succeed.

Since the goal of passive-aggressive individuals is to resist demands from others, frustration and anger follows them wherever they go - especially in a marriage relationship.

They are often critical, negative, "forgetful", sullen, resentful, and complaining. In addition, they are procrastinators and their performance on tasks they don't want to do is substandard.

The following recommendations provide a starting place for a frustrated partner:

1. When your spouse makes a snide remark or uses sarcasm or barbed humor, calmly tell him that you don't find that way of communicating feelings acceptable. Stop what you're doing and sit down with him.

State that he must be having some strong feelings to have made a remark like that and you'd rather he just come right out and tell you what he's feeling.

Whatever you do, don't ignore the barbs or pretend you didn't hear them when you did. Confront him with what he's doing but without being drawn into an argument or becoming sidetracked by the excuses.

2. Know that when your intuition or "gut feeling" is that you're being manipulated or taken advantage of by the excuses and rationalizations or lack of response, you probably are right.

Trust your intuition about this. It will help you to resist falling into the trap of taking on blame that's not yours and thinking that it's "all you".

3. When your spouse uses passive-aggressive behavior, state what you see happening and how confusing that is for you. Tell him that it's harming your marriage relationship for him not to be direct with you.

Say that what he is doing is dishonest and manipulative and that you see through it, and if he values the marriage, he'll make an effort to change.

4. This is one time to take a tough stand on the necessity for marriage counseling. There are many issues that the two of you need to work on, including communication and anger.

5. If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then make an appointment for yourself. Individual counseling can give you the resources and strength to confront your spouse's passive-aggressive behavior and pave the way for more direct communication.

6. Remind yourself that you didn't cause the passive-aggressive behavior. It's not your fault. This pattern was in place before you married.

If your husband exhibits this behavior with you, you can bet that you're not the only one who sees this side of him. You can suggest counseling, but in the final analysis, it's your husband's problem.

7. The decisions you have to make are how to respond to the passive-aggressive behavior and what to do if your husband refuses to change or seek help.

The counselor you are working with can help you to handle these hurdles and to decide if a marital separation might be an appropriate way to get your husband's full attention if nothing else works.

Comments

witheld

21 Mar 2007, 13:36

Just to let you know that in this very good article that stepchildren who manage to drag out college for ten years (so far) and who have deliberately sabotaged chores at home and are EXPERTS at making excuses while looking busy and wonderful to the uninformed are really hell on earth.

Banna Leeson

19 May 2007, 23:44

My husband mows over roses and other plants and has for 16 years. Chops down 1/2 of a holly tree I am growing, threw away some of my bulbs when told to 'let them be til spring, goes down into the basement and finds the others HE put there proudly shows them to me and the next week throws them away saying he didn't know what they were, they just loked like a box with old papers to him !!! And this doesn't even start to tell what he does. He is retired and has had my kitchen in a shambles for 14 months painting it. It took him 31/2 months to paint a 4x5 bathroom!!!

Christine Sonnenberg

05 Jun 2007, 20:19

Oh my gawd..If that doesnt remind me of somethings my husband has done. Wow, I suddenly don't feel so alone. How do we keep on chatting on this thing. Please let me know, ok?

Christine from Missouri

private

25 Jun 2007, 10:37

"witheld" certainly hit the nail on the head. My step-daughter uses her "ADD" as an excuse for her forgetfulness, laziness, and ineptitude when doing simple household chores. I never realized this as being passive-aggressive but it fits the description perfectly.

Abby

05 Jul 2007, 09:40

My husband and I are sort of separated and this article really hit home. For six years now his 87 Jeep has been in our driveway and when I ask him to do something with it he says when I clean out the garage he'll fix it, etc., etc., The man is the King of Passive Aggressive Behavior! The sarcasm, too, rings true. I fortunately have started to see a counselor......

Banna Leeson

07 Jul 2007, 07:04

As I have seen other comment come in they have really made me think.His first wife was the reason their marriage failed to hear HIM tell it. And now,after 16 years , I find that every bad thing that has happened in his life was caused by someone else and it was all someone else's fault. He passed himself off as a good Christian Professional and really wowed me !!!
The first night of our honeymoon we went to the grocery store to pickup some food for the beach house.All of a sudden he had the buggy and was racing up and down the aisle's . It took me a few minutes to figure it out.....there was a large, big boned,kind of heavy set matronly woman in a black skirt and silk blouse with her nipples showing and he ws racing up and down the aisles to see her from a front view as he passed each time !!! I could hardly believe it !!! Our honeymoon [and we did not sleep together or have any kind of sex before we were married, either.
Then when we got to the beach house he wanted to watch tv and just said to go to bed he'd be there after awhile and that was the BEST night of the week !!!

It seems to me he has been trying to drive me to leave since day one.
He was ancommander in the reserve branch of one of the services and was head of a Federal office here that deals with judges and legal matters. He retired with two NICE pensions, keeps running up credit card bills,[behind my back] has double mortgaged our house and is 25,000 in debt again.He informed me on July 1 he doesn't have one red cent to feed us with this month.
I am 65 and not in the best of health. My SS check is all I get and it's $364 a month . He doesn't buy my clothes and shoes, etc and is now using my little bit of money although he has $5,000 a month coming in after taxes.

Believe me if I had anwhere to go I would leave. I am so stressed out all the time I have been losing my hair and weight for a year.
As I have written this, it has been clear to me that I should leave him. Are there any agency's that try to help you sort a mess like this outand try to get you out of the emotional battering and abuse I am taking ????

Banna

07 Jul 2007, 07:08

Christine from MO, I will be glad to communicate with you.

Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com)

07 Jul 2007, 07:27

There will be a forum up soon so you ladies can rant about your husbands all you want ;)

tony love

10 Jul 2007, 13:52

Eight years ago I meet my children's mother. When I meet her, she seem so out-going, and intelligent. Once we establish our relationship, which was rather quick, she changed immediately. She began act irresponsible, blaming all her problems on other's. She would constantly do questionable thing; and play dum when confronted. It was constantly frustrated dealing with her. I had to remove myself from that relationship, for my own sanity. I realizes i could not fix her.

If anyone reading this is in a simuliar situation, without treatment their behavior worsens. most of the time they will not seek treatment; because they do not believe they need treatment.

Forget about trying to change them. If you can't handle their behavior; and it began to drain you emotionally, fiscally (get out), before you go crazy. People as such are good at seducing people into relationships with them; even though they can't handle the responsibility of relationships.

steve

19 Jul 2007, 21:54

As someone who has (almost) come out the other side, I can say this article is great. It accurately describes how serious this behavior is and how important it is to take serious steps to stop it. It also is a reminder that we should trust our intuition when faced with this behavior, which is the first thing we are likely to give up in favor of "thinking it through".

The reason this behavior is so prevalent is because it works: we can't believe our husband/wife/child/partner etc. would try to manipulate us like this. In my case, I was shocked and humiliated when I figured out that my ex-wife was using this behavior to avoid any situation that could lead to sex (and generally any emotional or physical intimacy). That's when I tried to think it through: bad idea.

People who exhibit this behavior may cling to it: be ready for that

master manipulator

19 Jul 2007, 23:49

Hoping this will help others the teaching is great , for those in need of reality and check themselfs out----then others TRUTH first,is always the way to peace of mind

s.c.

01 Aug 2007, 10:24

forget the fathers, they do not want to change, where is the help for sons who model their father parent and diss every perceived oppositional action, thot or word from the mother parent who wants to see an intergenerational way of living continue. (remember the father saw his father, saw his father and made choices that worked for him) How do we as spouses and mothers make it "not work" for them. Believe me, I have had the counselling - and "they" say is work on yourself, make the changes in your own life, fine, one can do that to protect yourself, but eventually one has to realize thy made a huge error in judgement in marrying this individual who now displays this horrid way of living and is passing it on to your treasured sons and there is nothing you can do to change it. Acceptance is the key for those of us who live with this behavior. All we can do is assist our sons in taking responsibility in the small things and hope that in life as adults they will "get it". Good luck to all of us, we are not the crazy ones, dont ever believe it, get busy and help others somewhere voluntarily and keep moving.

Elizabeth Jean

07 Aug 2007, 10:25

oh my God! I finally have a name for it. My husband is PA. He is the master of PA and I am his puppet. If I had known earlier, I would have gotten out of this charade before my young adult boys started to exhibit the same behaviors. What an idiot I have been. Over the years the PA behaviors have escalated and for every step forward I make, husband Bob drags me two steps back. Its like dealing with a rebellious teenager. He has not said my name in years, not even honey, darling, sweetie or hey you. No compliments. He asks no questions. He does not easily share himself. I have to pull information out. He avoids coming to bed..I'm not tired yet, I have a test tomorrow, I need need some time to myself, I am stressed, the kids are awake, our bedroom is too close to the kids, I don't feel well etc. He can not initiate handholding, hug, kiss or sex. He does not like me to initiate sex as he says that he feels like he is SERVICING ME. I have tried waiting patiently for a year and a half and nothing happened. If I get mad or confront him about anything he suddenly says he loves me, makes the sacrifice to go to bed with me, says we just need to start over. I start over but he never changes and the cycle starts again. I have heard all of his excuses and I know all of his moves by heart. If I get mad or cry, he stays cool and calm and acts like I am unreasonable.
Nothing is ever his fault, it is just crazy me. I misunderstood, he never said that, I exaggerate and blow everything out of proportion etc.
Yes, I am a nurturer, fixer, helper and his mother abandoned him at age 13 by walking out with the baby and leaving his father. Then she would pop back into his life and leave again with no warning and poof she was gone again. She still does it. She moved to our city, he helped her fix up a house and spent time with her and she moved without telling him that she was going and he had no idea where she was again.
He did not work for 2 and a half years except parttime for a friend but recently got a good job and a new truck. We will see how long he keeps them. He is well educated (masters and 2 undergrad degrees but works below his capacity). Hates to call anyone on the phone. Makes everyone else make the first move to phone. Will not join anything. Will not volunteer to help. If I drop a thousand nails in front of him, he would just sit there not help to pick them up unless I asked and then would resent it that I asked. He would probably just punish me by doing a slow job or tell me to wait until he finished watching Seinfeld for the hundredth time. He has taught me that I can not depend on him, I can not ask him for help, I can not trust that if I ask him to do something that it will actually get done. I forgot, I will do it later, etc. I have heard it all. He never disciplined the kids when they were younger, he is just their friend and I am the bad guy always nagging them to do their homework and brush their teeth and clean their rooms.

I realize now that he is a stone around my neck. He does not love me, he hates me and loves the game. He abandoned me a long time ago. He is handsome, well educated, has a good sense of humor and never gets mad unless it is to sabotage something or as a reason to just give up and not do something that I want done. He actually volunteered to go to counseling and made the appointment. I was impressed. I took leave from work and showed up but he didn't.
I give up, I am shattered, I am done, I have accommodated his behaviors and he just raises the bar. It isn't me, it is him. I can't fix him, I can't make him understand what he is doing to hurt me and he is unable to stop. I am can not stay just to be rejected day after day. I am planning my get a way. One son just got married and one is going off to college. In addition to my daytime career, I have taken on a college teaching position several nights a week and am actively looking for a new home.

rebecca

09 Aug 2007, 11:36

OMIGOD. I have been married to a passive-aggressive for 23 years, and I am sick to death of it. I ignored it better when the kids were little, but now that they are in high school and college, I can't ignore it any longer. The thought of retiring and being with him 24/7 makes me want to keep teaching forever! I am SO tired of being made out to be the crazy one, the demanding one, the manipulative one, the perfectionist, the control-freak. I am none of those. Oddly enough, my friends and the people with whom I work like me a lot and respect my opinions! And the comments he has made when I have expressed deep concerns to him have cut me to the bone marrow. After one not-discussion when I said that I really worried about what would happen to our (then younger) children if I died, he said, "Well, I guess we'd get along just fine." It literally took the breath out of me. And he wonders why I have no interest in sex!!!

My husband actually went for counseling a few years ago (at my insistence -- I told him to get counseling or get out), but other than some "cosmetic" changes, he didn't follow any of the counselor's suggestions. He simply will not do any self-examination. At the end of one of our recent totally non-productive not-conversations, his suggestion for improving our relationship was to go watch a movie together!!! Way to avoid the subject, big guy.

My husband, too, is an educated professional who is actually running for state president of his professional association. It seems that everyone on the outside (except our close friends -- make that MY close friends, because he doesn't have any. He didn't even go to his supposedly best-friend's funeral last year because he didn't want to drive in holiday weekend traffic!))thinks he is just a WONDERFUL guy. But meanwhile, I hate to come home in the afternoon to my beautiful house that we wouldn't have if I hadn't held a steady job throughout our marriage and am glad when he is not here.

I am seeing a counselor next week and am hopeful that this will be a start. I came from a "broken home" and never wanted to put my children through that nightmare, but I have sucked this up long enough.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

robin

14 Aug 2007, 15:46

WOW! There are too many of us with these PA creeps. I have been with mine for 34 years this September.
It runs in his family ALL 3 of his brothers are the same way! Sad! In 1996 we built a house and he was going to finish the inside. Little or nothing is done. He comes home tired and after dinner has to sit down and watch TV to "catch his breath". Obviously, he remains breathless til almost 1am when he retires to bed. He was diagnosed with diabetes several years ago so now blames that but in next breath says he feels great. I decided last year to save money and buy myself a horse. I spent most of my life enjoying equestrain sports. Before I found the horse I wanted he had to buy corvette because he never had one. His toy has a loan. Buying it was not enough he has had to rebuild it as well. Four months ago I found the horse I was looking for. He has been getting the truck ready to tow the trailer for 6 months now. It still is unable to do so. Trailer still buried by last winters fire wood
son that behaves like him has been supposed to move since then. Now I have show at barn where I board my horse coming up. He plans to go away that weekend to visit his siblings and friends. My plan is to buy new truck and trailer for next show season that is not dependent on his assistance. This way while my home may not be finished I will have alife away from him that I enjoy. Counseling is out of the question as in his mind it is not a problem as he is gone to work 12 hours a day and that is why nothing is done. Odd others can be gone and get things done. As I said his brothers are all the same way . One told his wife likewise and now has been retired for 5 years their home is still a mess. I think if any of us knew what they were like we never would have married them.

Elizabeth Jean

14 Aug 2007, 16:40

Today is my anniversary. Last night Bob said little or nothing to me as we watched television. I no longer feel that I must pull information out of him or get him to talk to me and he asks me nothing cause that would show interest. I feel no need to engage him in conversation and he has never been one to talk much or initiate anything. He always withholds affection. He will shop with me at the grocery if I take him out to eat first, he will go out to eat with me but he will not initiate handholding, kissing, hugging or sex and he acts like he does not need or want those things. He has rejected me for years and now I am rejecting him because I am not trying any more. He knows something is wrong but of course is not willing to admit that he is the problem. This morning there were roses in the kitchen and candy and earrings. Sound good doesn't it but This is as far as he is willing to go. Won't hug me but will put on a show for the boys that he got me gifts. He got me the same (exact) earrings for Christmas, I am on a diet and I grow roses and would rather have a live bush as I have told him a million times. Guess he rushed out late last night to the 24 hour Walmart and got presents. By the way he just bought himself a new base guitar and amp, new truck, and new recliner. Sometimes the display is just to say that he does not know why I am so upset, afterall he is a great guy and will give me presents...he just won't kiss me or go to bed with me or say my name or give any compliments or touch me or talk to me etc.

So girls ...make yourselves happy because life is too short to spend it with someone who takes delight in emotional abuse. Of course tonight he is going to want to go out to eat...just another show of how good he treats me. And there will be little or no conversation from him, no affection and we will go home and he will not come to bed with me.

17 Aug 2007, 11:04

I have been looking for a long time for support. Everytime I see a counselor they tell me to leave my husband, big help! It has taken me years to figure out what his problem is. He is being treated for depression, and anger control. Interesting, this behavior never comes to the surface outside of our marriage. He holds a very high position in his company, and everyone things he is a nice guy. I have supported him through open heart surgery (at 53 Yrs old)I stand waiting with keps in my hand for him to get ready to go out, ssk him for something 5 times and then have him "forget". I am forever on a rollercoaster.

Elizabeth Jean

17 Aug 2007, 11:41

Hi BZ - I am 58 and at the cross roads and really do not know what to do yet. I am making plans to leave just in case. Bob has a day off today and I plan to have a deep conversation with him at noon when I get off and maybe that will determine what I decide to do.
If he changes the subject, blames me, or walks out then I think that it is over for me. I just want honesty now. Everyone thinks my Bob is so friendly and such a nice guy and he is on the surface. But he loves pulling the strings. Example: I told him that I was going to make an appointment with a dermatologist to have a mole removed. He asked that I also make an appointment for him on the same day and time. I wanted to have it done immediately but Bob said that he could not do it in JUne or July because the company is opening 2 new stores. He said I should make it for the last half of Aug on a Tuesday. I made it for Tuesday Aug the 21. Now after I have waited for 3 months for this appointment, he says that he can not go that day (usually I get no notice til the day of) and then he said that he wants me to call and cancel his appointment and make another for him and he is very precise about the day and time. Much to his surprise, I told him no that he would have to take care of his own appointments from now on. I am not going to repeat his games again and again like I have in the past.

What really wears me down is that he plays games with every little detail of our lives. Things that do not matter he makes into a control issue. Bob also says "I forgot alot". I rarely ask him anything because he is totally undependable. Or if I do ask him, I really do not expect it to be done. I have no expectations for him. Like this morning I mentioned that all of the plants on the patio and in the Florida room could use some water (we are having a triple digit heat wave and drought) and since he is off perhaps he could splash them. I do not expect that he will do it. I know that I will have to do it when I get home. I have no expectations for him to meet. He really does not want the pressure of sharing responsibilities in a marriage relationship. I am the only one in this relationship. He has a time-share that he seldom uses.

Hanging by my toenails on a rollercoaster too.!

Elizabeth Jean

21 Aug 2007, 13:32

Help, I was checking my e-mail to find this site again and I think I unsubscribed and I really do not want that so maybe this will resubscribe me.

By the way, dear Bob took me out to a sports bar for our anniversary dinner. Neither of us drink, he said almost nothing to me, the menu was mostly fish ( do not eat fish)and there were 12 tvs with 3 of them over our table so he really did not have to talk to me at all. HAPPY ANIVERSARY!
Elizabeth Jean

Elizabeth Jean

22 Aug 2007, 10:28

I tried to have a discussion with Bob but that just does not work. It is what he lives for and I am no good at it. He changes the subject, brings in stuff that has no bearing, blames me, and then thinks of something that will tick me off and sits back with a smile and waits for me to get mad and zing he wins the prize. This time he said that I do not have a good relationship with my sons. Well I am a mama and I took offense. I do have a good relationship with both my boys. I have never tried to be their best friend like he does taking them to every grusome movie that comes out. He never disciplined them. I was the one who always had to say go to bed, study, brush your teeth, wear a belt. But both of them know I love them more that anything and that they can count on me. When the younger one had to have 2 brainsurgeries I was the one that never gave up, that retaught him everything and insisted that he should not be in a class for the mentally retarded. Because of my efforts and his, he just left for the University of Alabama. And when the oldest one traveled around the world and brought home an Indonesian bride, I accepted and welcomed her into my home and heart and community. I held a reception for them, renovated a home for them and just love them. He knows that mentioning the kids will tick me off and stupidly I fell for it and it got us off the subject which he wanted and it made me mad which he also wanted. He wins again.

Cathy

27 Aug 2007, 15:02

This article is the best I have seen on passive-agressive behavior. If you feel confused about "what just happened" or disappointed because your mate just doesn't seem to follow through it probably isn't your fault.

expresso

02 Sep 2007, 07:24

i too found this to be a very interesting and educational article. i think it gives some very good insight into how to best handle passive aggressive behavior.

from reading the comments, it seems that lots of folks aren't willing to take the simple advice of the article and calmly confront the feelings of the passive aggressor it's hard work and it takes patience i'm sure.

i know that i'm definitely guilty of exhibiting passive aggressive behaviors, but i also think that we all are guilty of it from time to time. passive aggressive behavior is (to me) doing something subtly to get under the skin of the other person. the latter part is the main point. it's the intent of the behavior that defines it as passive aggressive. mumbling something under one's breath is just as passive aggressive as deliberately parking in a spouses parking spot (assuming that each spouse parks in a regular spot).

to conclude, i really like the advise of the writer to stop and sit down with the person as they're conducting a passive aggressive act and work through their feelings. it might not be passive aggressive at all, and that helps to clear the air. not only is passive aggressive behavior a fire burning under a tarp ready to ignite the whole thing, but if the recipient thinks they've been on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior (when in fact they possibly haven't), then they are starting their fire to burn underneath their own tarp. neither of which is "healthy".

"healthy" is understanding your feelings and being able to talk about them.

debbie o.

03 Sep 2007, 20:27

everyone has probably used this behavior at some time or another.however,to PRACTICE that as a lifestyle is totally different. this is a learned behavior that, in my opinion and experience is UNACCEPTABLE.Period.(usually, in their family of origin,this behavior was accepted) Yes, it is probably best to confront this but I am willing to bet that it will not work. they will say that they "aren't doing that, you're overacting", which is the same thing as calling you a liar. i have been married to someone like this for 5 yrs.-who also exhibits the trait of a woman hater, and he refuses to own his behavior when confronted. basically, he denies that he has a problem at all,therefore, your feelings DO NOT MATTER!!!!i am done with this an intend to file for divorce asap. counseling most likely will not work with them b/c YOU have the problem, not him. sad but true.

Elizabeth Jean

04 Sep 2007, 08:13

It is very difficult to talk to a PA and really get through. I have been married for over 35+ years and I do not believe that I have EVER gotten through to him. I have tried to have calm serious discussions but he is never wrong. He never apologizes. He always brings in other issues that have nothing to do with what we are talking about. He always blames me. He can not see that I am hurt. He refuses to see when it is pointed out and will leave the room telling me that I am senseless and pout rather than continue talking. He really does not understand. His whole point of thinking is that he is right no matter what. He loves the game of discussion cause for him it is just a game that he can tally up points for. If I take offense he blames me saying that I took what he said wrong or that I do not understand. I have spent a lifetime doubting myself, accommodating and believing his excuses and trying but then I am the only one trying. If I go to counseling by myself, he claims that the counselor just had a convenient one sided view of our lives. If he goes with me, he does not like the counselor or he has a great time exerting his power by controling the conversation and proving to himself that he is right and that I am senseless. When I go to grad school and get a degree in Counseling and then go for an EDS degree all in hopes of understanding what is wrong, he claims that we never had any problem before I went to classes and that it is alot of hogwash. It is a way of life and of thinking for him. Real dynamic change usually happens when a person is so uncomfortable in their situation that they are really almost forced to change. He is not going to change his behaviors or way of thinking because he is comfortable and it has worked for him for 35+ years. I am the one with the problem because I can not continue like this.

Elizabeth Jean

Annie K

17 Sep 2007, 15:45

I learned about PA behavior about 6 years ago....I’d been married for 13 years at the time. I’m still married but barely hanging onto the end of my rope with this relationship. Does anyone’s husband use TV as their “weapon of choice”? We have two high-school age kids and one 6th grader. He turns on the TV anytime and every time he’s in a room where there is a set. It doesn’t matter if I’m sleeping, reading, the kids doing homework, etc.; he’ll just flip it on and sit there....like we aren’t even in the room! I’ve told him that while we get ready for work in the mornings, I don’t like having the TV on to watch the morning news because I feel like the whole house is hustling about to get ready for the day and I like to have our bedroom door open and be available for our kids. He completely ignores my continual request to not watch TV in the morning. Drives me nuts! He won’t argue about it or even discuss it, either, he just mumbles and shakes his head or rolls his eyes and turns it on the next day. I don’t get it!
He also is educated and works well below his capacity. He has 2 friends who recently began looking for better paying jobs and he’s been casually bringing up the fact that “it would be nice to get a job like that”. I need to have a “big talk” with him and ask why he hasn’t applied for these great jobs before now. Why does he wait until some other guy does it? I’m fed up and so frustrated - - I think he’s sucked all indication of joy and life right out of me!
Sorry to vent, but boy I needed it! Thanks :)

Eliz Jean

17 Sep 2007, 18:51

Yes, yes yes. My husband has always worked below his capacity. He has 2 undergrad degrees (one that he just got recently in computer science and never looked for a job in that field) and a Masters. He has used TV and the computer as reasons not to come to bed, not to talk, not to interact with the kids when they were younger and to dismiss me. The tv is the first thing he turns on in the morning and it is set to go off about 2 am. It is his escape...he is here but not here and he doesn't have to participate. He never took any responsibility for the kids. He touches the tv more than me and goodness how he caresses the remote.

Tempe

17 Sep 2007, 20:21

Is it possible that oen can be viciously violent, just short of hitting, and still be passive aggressive. Perhaps misconceived notions of passively calm retorts led me to believe that a P-A person never raged. I am married. My spouse is legally blind. To watch the public 'display of blindness'- everything MUST be done for my spouse by someone else - makes me wince. My spouse is not responsible for anything. Instead, I am required to make decisions and then am barraged with invectives if my decisions aren't the best ones. I could list 50 examples of this type of behavior for every day of our marriage. Am I correct? Is this passive aggressive behavior?

Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com)

18 Sep 2007, 07:52

Tempe, with your first question, it is possible to be viciously violent and passive-aggressive given that the person isn't always violent because that would then be plain aggression.

It would be passive-aggressive when passive behaviors are most frequent and occssionally accompanied with aggressive outbursts.

Your spouse Tempe, seems to be passive-aggressive with the info you've provided.

I'll be writing an article for you guys about passive-aggressive in the coming months.

What expresso said in his/her second paragraph is true. A lot of what is being asked here is in the article. Like a lot of other comments with frustrations on other articles, the answers are mostly in the article. Sometimes you just need to interpret the information to your specific need.

27 Sep 2007, 14:49

For years I thought I was crazy. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. I am divorced from him now, but really struggled in even doing that b/c he swore he would tell me boys that it was all my fault etc. At some point it didnt matter. I looked at my two young boys and asked myself what kind of woman/mother am I if I stay here? Thats what finally convinced me. I'm not advocating divorce. But, I was (and still am) a strong woman - but if he stayed, he would've sucked the life right out of me. I had to look in the mirror and realize I was a shadow of myself & would have a long recovery if I didn't get away. Now I'm in a new relationship & although its fine, I know I have lingering after-affects of this PA relationship. I have difficulty asking for help - even when its needed, etc. I expect to be let down, even though this new man has shown NO signs of that or any PA behavior. Does anyone have any articles or suggestions about the "other side" of the PA relationship - i.e. the receiver?
Thanks!

sally

30 Sep 2007, 19:51

you idiots, get out of these relationships, don't just write and whine here. how can you defend your behavior of STAYING? WHAT KIND OF LESSON IS THAT FOR YOUR KIDS?

30 Sep 2007, 20:17

Thank you for your insightful comments sally.
If you read what I wrote, I did leave.

02 Oct 2007, 16:36

I have been aware of my husbands PA behavior for years after researching my oldest son's under performing behavior. I thought that "I forgot" was the truth and let things pass for years. Finally today I decided to remove myself from the situation, but gave him an opportunity to explain himself over an event. We haven't spoke for 2 days as I wanted him to explain his actions, or inactions. All of the excuses came out-I forgot, I assumed, it wasn't important, I didn't think that you.... He still cannot seem to remember but suggested that may be we had a problem communicating. He won't go to a counselor (as I have been begging for 4 years) but he found something on the net we could try. All of our problems would go away if I was nicer and didn't yell (which I have done more and more as my frustration level has peaked)I made him look up PA on the net today. He took from it that the person doesn't know that he does it. (So I guess he isn't at fault now either.) and that if he talked then I wouldn't win and get my way all of the time. (What do I win, we discuss, he does 180% opposite, forgets, ignores....whatever, but in his mind I get my way.)

expresso

03 Oct 2007, 10:32

after watching this thread for some time (and being genuinly interested in this topic as well as general human temperments), i'm starting to conclude that both the alleged(sp?) "PA" people and their spouses (this thread is mostly wives bashing their PA husbands) have serious communication/understanding problems.

Look folks, men and women communicate differently. pick up the men are from mars/women are from venus book and READ it.

Secondly, introverts and extroverts communicate very differently and have vastly different needs from each other. Introverts might clam up and need LOTS of quiet time. Extroverts might want to "talk" about their feelings and thoughts with lots of people.

The bottom line is that there's a lot of folks here who seem to have some bad relationships but are also doing a lot of judging of their partner without looking in the mirror first. Are you giving your spouse what he/she needs? Do you understand his/her differences from you? Do you know how he/she needs to hear your needs and how he/she will respond to your needs?

finally, sally... staying and working out the relationship says a lot to the kids. it says that "family" is very important and actually non replaceable. face it, you made a decision, how ever long ago to this person, and now you can just undo that decision? what does that say to the children? are you going to undo your decision/commitment to the children someday?

ELiz Jean

03 Oct 2007, 12:04

Communication is okay but there is no follow through on his part. It is fake communication on his part. He takes no responsibility and offers no support. It is a faulty mind set, a character weakness, a personality disorder. What should be normal everyday occurances are power play games to him. Ask him specifically to do something and it will not get done. And he is never at fault. I can not depend on him for anything large or small so I rarely ask. this blog is not just a bunch of women bitching about a one time slip up. Everyone forgets. But rather this is about someone who purposely tries to punish their spouse.
Yesterday was Bob's day off and I had to work late so I phoned him to ask that he do one thing for me ...my sister was to come to town for a dental appointment and was going to leave a Peace plant from my father's funeral by the kitchen door. I asked him to bring it in and to water it (it means alot to me) It has just been transplanted, can be burned by direct sun and wilts easily. I did not ask him to water anything else in the Florida room or outside. It would just take a minute. I told him how much it meant to me and he pleasantly said that he would do it and then didn't. when asked he said he forgot and fell asleep watching tv. Just a one time thing and it would mean nothing but when it is 30years of NEVER being able to depend on anything it adds up. Give a child a bottle, pick up your son from baseball, feed the cat while I am in the hospital, pay the electric bill, send check to the IRS, call and get air conditioning fixed, return call to father, pick up my pills from pharmacy next door to your business office, meet me at PTA meeting etc. Large or small he will not do it and he leaves me with the destruction and the consequences and never even apologizes. It makes no sense that I even ask him anymore. But things were going well and zing he let me know that he is not a part of a marriage, he will not take requests. HE will punish me. I am not to ask him, I am not to request or suggest either.

This is one of those things that you have to live with to understand. It is an insidious invasion of hatred, it is like a continuous beating. No matter how you plan and try he will beat you and undermine your efforts. No matter how nicely he talks and behaves he will betray you.

This weekend I planned to go see a friend who has been very ill and is recovering. I told Bob of my plans and he said that he wanted to go too. I told him that I planned to go at 2. He said that he wanted to the rest of the game and we could go at 3. I waited and at 3 he said that he didn't want to go. I can't tell you how this nothing of an event can add up to such a disappointment. I do not allow myself to get mad anymore or disappointed with him. In fact, I just laughed and thought to myself....Zing he thinks he got you again but you already knew that he would behave this way. so I went and had a great time and let him know how much he missed by not going. I guess that it is all seems so destructive to me. If someone asks me to help, I do. I am dependable. If I had a broken leg and was laying on the floor and asked him to take me to the hospital or call 911, he would tell me he would and then not do it. At the very least I am sure that he would make me wait in pain until he watched the end of Seinfeld or something.

04 Oct 2007, 08:46

Expresso,
I would agree at first glance it may look like bitching. But until you've actually been in the situation that we're describing, until you've been convinced by the man that "loves" you that you're crazy (even though somewhere in your brain you know you're not), until you've been faced with the daunting task of saving yourself and the future relationships of your children, please don't call it "bitching". Thats like saying to the woman who gets beaten by her husband "why didn't you just leave?" when we all know now that its much deeper than than that. This is the same thing only there are no physical scars - this is much more insidious - its a form of emotional abuse and much harder to detect. If you're interested in reading these strings, please don't use a big brush stroke and call it a communication problem.

expresso

04 Oct 2007, 13:05

TB/ELiz Jean,

I never said "bitching", that was your word.

I also didn't excuse spouse beating, or a spouse who doesn't treat their spouse appropriately.

I merely was pointing out that it's a two way street folks. Your spouse needs to learn to communicate and "give" in the same manner that I think you need to learn to communicate and "give".

There are men, and there are women. They are different as night and day, and they don't know how to communicate to each other...

Kamela M of Virginia Beach

05 Oct 2007, 11:05

I wish I knew about passive aggressive before now. This article has hit home word for word.
I met this man on the internet and we will call him Derarian. He was the greatest and kindest man I had met a couple of years goes by and we finally met in person. He is divorced and has 3 kids that are caught in all this mess. My heart goes out to them.
I should have listen to my sixth sense on our first date. He went over to another woman and got her phone number and did not introduce me; that was rude and disgraceful. We continued to see each other eventually moved in together for reasons that were economical for both of us. After getting his finances in order he began treating me like his ex-wife(I now know why she is an ex) He has sabotaged his naval career, me in attempts to excel, his kids and his self and wants to blame everyone else and when you tell him his behavior is not acceptable then he says you are attacking him and not being supportive. My therapist says for my own emotional health I need to leave, one problem I invested all I had to pay off my bills so I could keep us a float. It goes on and on. I just pray that this passive aggressiveness does not turn violent.
K

Eliz Jean

05 Oct 2007, 11:29

Start finding a way out. Do not continue to be trapped. With over 50% of the marriages ending in divorce and another 25% are probably in various stages of unhappiness. You moved in ,,,now move out. Do not waste your time on this man. How cruel...to go over and get another woman's number in front of you. And why would you support unacceptable behavior? You should have walked out then. Start saving and form a plan to leave. I sense that you are a real giver and forgiver. Life is short. It is better to be alone than unhappy and trapped. Watch out because you will likely find that you are paying for everything and have nothing left and he is doing and paying for less and less. He could stress you to the max, ruin your credit and leave you in debt.
Good friend just found out that her live-in signed her name to checks, took out credit cards in her name and maxed them all, it is fraud but she has everyone coming after her for money and her credit is ruined.
Secretary just told me about her friend who has a live in who does not work, he has bought so much stuff off of ebay using her credit cards. She says that there are boxes in every room. He alienates her from her friends, she is paying for a storage unit that is filled with his purchases. He has not resold any of it. She is expected to cook and clean when she comes home from work and has had to take out a loan to cover the stuff he bought on her credit cards. If she isn't careful she is going to lose her house. And she does not know how to get rid of him. There should be a service to call that just tells people that the relationship is over now get out.

Kamela M

05 Oct 2007, 11:54

I am doing everything possible to make a health exit. I still have the Navy on my side, it is mandated for him to continue counciling as well as the rest of the family. I am in the process saving to be out in by June. There are mitigating circumstances that are holding me here. Abuse is Abuse no matter what form it is and anyone can be blind sided by it. I never had to deal with a person like this before but God is giving me a life lesson to handle something to come in the future so I wont be blind sided again.
Yeah it is over and working my way out. Like the song by Tamia "ME" and Boyance "ME MYSELF AND I" have out about abuse we have to look out for "ME" and love ourselves and be strong.
Thanks,
K

07 Oct 2007, 08:11

I have been married to a PA for almost 28 years. The roller coaster ride with this kind and sensitive man has been pure hell. Yesterday we had a great day together. Then at night, we were in the middle of a conversation regarding our mothers and how their emotional abuse is something we still both have issues with. I think it was when I mentioned to him that he reacts in such and such a manner that he suddenly started talking over me (I was at the time talking soft and respectful and telling him that I understand why he behaves the way he does), but I guess he didn't like what I was saying so he began talking over me and getting louder and talking faster because he didn't want to hear me. When I asked him to please stop talking so loud and fast and not listening, he blamed me (of course) and said I was the one that started talking loud and fast over him. OMG! Not at all true, but there he goes again. Then he added that if I didn't behave in certain ways that he wouldn't be the way he is. I did take responsibility for my actions but tried to explain that my reactions are many times due to his actions but he didn't want to hear that and got angry. So I got up and left the room and went in my room, (we have separate rooms as of 2 years ago and it has helped me to find myself again and regain my mental and emotional health). I then got on the net and started looking for info on passive aggressive husbands and here I am. Yes he has gone for counseling and has admitted he is a PA. But he thinks he is pretty much cured. He did make some big changes and I was and am proud of him for it. But I had been under the hopeful impression that his PA disorder was almost cured but for the last month he is back to his old tricks.
I love him so much can't live like this anymore. I want to be happily married or happily single. And from what I have read there is no cure. Sad, because I love him so much.
Di

08 Oct 2007, 09:30

Yes communication is an issue, lack of it by the PA unless it is to make him/her look good or make you happy at that instance. It is okay until that is to be done and then the excuses are just too numerous and spontaneous to believe unless you have lived it. I have been with mine for 25 years. I have tried everything to stop all expectations of him. He is not allowed to ever tell me what he is going to do, only what he has done. I never give my opinion anymore so he can not do the opposite-he has to decide for himself. We have a toddler and I have warned him and am holding him accountable for every small promise made to her. The older children were always told that he would take them here, do this, only to leave them crying in my arms because something came up and he couldn't. We never plan anything ahead of time, because something will happen. All anticipation has been eliminated in our house. I pressured him to work on his memory for 10 years because "he forgot" everything and was baffled by it as was I. Of course books I got on the subject never got read, marriage improvement books never opened. you get the picture. He has been reading this PA info and fully admits that he is. He claims he doesn't realize that he does it and wants me to tell him when he does, which I have always done. He has begged me to let him work thru this-is it just another say what I want to hear? We'll see. He promises to work thru his childhood issues and started this weekend by eliminating all future contact with his parents (abusive, guilt ridden rif-raf)

Carrie

12 Oct 2007, 10:00

Wow, I am so glad I found this page. I didn't realize up until this point there was actually a name that perfectly described my husband's behaviour. We have been married 11 years now and I have been dealing with his PA for the past 10 and half years. I could never depend on him to come through for anything, I just knew that he would have an excuse, and usually it was quite plausible. But when he started using lies to explain away his reasons for not doing or following through with something, that's where I drew the line. He has never taken responsibility for any of his actions....accusing me all of the time for yelling and screaming. That is always his defense anymore for not doing what he should in our relationship. I have tried to explain to him that I am not that way with another human on this planet, and that he has to consider the cause and effect of his actions. A steady diet of making excuses for constant forgetfulness, and his lack of consideration for my feelings would send any woman over the edge. I have notice a thread of similarity through reading all of these responses, and that is that we are the ones made to feel crazy...that we are the one to be blamed for their behaviour, that their behaviour would not exist if we didnt react the way we do...NONSENSE!! Do not believe, do not be brainwashed with someone that is PA. They come off very innocent to everyone around them, but to the ones closest to them, spouse, partner, they are highly manipulative. You just cannot win in a conversation with them, they will twist all around and put it all back on you, or blame someone else or circumstance for their behaviour. I am saddened to hear so many of these responses have such a negative ending....and I fear that will be the result here. Part of getting over a problem behaviour, is acknowledging it exists, and that is something someone with PA has a very hard time with. In my situation, my husband came from a home with an emotionally abusive father, that pretty much shot his self worth down the tubes. When I met my future husband and listened to his 'sad' story a hundred times, my heart went out to him. I helped him regain some of his self worth back. For that he seemed to express his gratitude by showering me occasional gifts and cards in which he wrote flowery poetry expressing his love for me. Shortly after we were married, he just basically started to emotionally detach, started never keeping his promises, and I could never depend on him for anything...I just knew he would not come through and have some excuse...worst of all, he accused me of constantly nagging, yelling and interrogating him. All of those things were not me, and could have been avoided if he did what he said he would do, and told the real truth instead of all the excuses. Many times he has seen me in tears because I felt so alone, like he was making me out to be the one to blame, and responsible, and I would feel so hurt, and he never flinched...he seemed so apathetic and unmoved. The apathy is the worst, almost pathological. I asked him to leave, to either shape up or ship out, and I am dismayed that he has done neither, he has not followed through with his counseling, which from what I read is typical, he thinks its a waste, and he doesnt pick the phone up and call ever, I always have to try to get ahold of him, and when I ask him why he doesnt call, you would not believe the responses...I forgot my phone, I lost my phone, I broke my phone, my phone is getting fixed, I was going to call you but.... He has not called or been by to see his children in 4 months and he says its because his vehicle is broke, although he has free towing, and then he says he has no money to get it fixed, but he isnt giving me what I used to get in the past, so I know he does. I mean we live in the USA, come on, if you really wanted to see or talk to your boys, go borrow a phone, buy a calling card, borrow a car, although he couldn't borrow a friend's car, because he doesnt have any. He is a truckdriver, and didnt put money in my account for nearly 4 weeks, "because his car was broke and he couldnt get to the bank". I am so shocked and apalled that he actually believes these excuses for his behaviour are valid enough to support it. He thinks I am terrible and too hard on him for not understanding them. He honestly believes because of what he said that it's ok that he didnt call or show up to see his kids in 4 months!!! I just got off the phone with him this morning, first time I'd spoken to him in a month, and he promised he'd call me back in a couple hours, but you know what, I just wrote if off, I knew he wouldnt and he didn't and he will have some lame excuse as to why, but never the real truth, which is what I really want to hear, no matter how good or bad. I think people with PA are basically cowards. I cannot help what his father did to him, but I am paying a price for it, my husband doesnt see me anymore when I talk to him or request him to do something...he sees his father, and his needling behaviour is a way to get back at the anger he has inside towards his dad. It isn't fair, and I am not to blame, and most of you in this thread, if not all of you are not to blame. I believe it is indeed a learned behaviour caused from something that happened to that person at an early age, and you all here are on the recieving end of it. I don't know what to do to be honest. I am tired of being manipulated, and blamed and misunderstood, and yet I think portraying the importance of commitment to my boys is important....but I just don't think I can take it much longer, this behaviour is cruel emotional torture. Good-luck!

Kamela

12 Oct 2007, 16:01

This past Monday my astranged and I went to dinner. We/I laid it all out on the table. He told me what he wanted and that was someone to accept him as he was PA. He claims to know people happly married for long periods of time. I told him I cold not take it any more I wanted the man I met not this mean slefish person. We remained calm and we have been on a truce for the past week. I told him that if he was honest and showed his true colors from the get go we would have not made it this far, and futher more if he can find someone that he shows his true colors to from the start and she thinks he is all that go for it. I am not taking it any more and I don't have to.

Afframation by Kamela M.

"I am deserving of a long term happy HEALTH loving, affectionate, intamate, passionate and compassionate relationship.

I have a right to my needs, emotions and thoughts.

I am a caring beautiful person."

This is my afframation and it is growing each step of the way in my healing process.

PA or what ever you wish to call it. It is nothing more than pure ABUSE.

Get help for your kids and yourself ASAP from you pastor or family council ETC.... This will have an effect on who your kids choose as mates in the future and wheather or not it will last and if they are happly marries and the same applies for you as well.

Best wishes, Keep safe.

Keep smiling it is contagious.
K

BlaisePascal

14 Oct 2007, 19:52

People with pathological passive-aggressive personalities are masters of manipulation and undermining. They have no other mental resources as to how to relate in a healthy manner with people in their lives.

We can stand back and call it a "game", but for the PA person it is how they live their lives - they have no other framework from which to function. They do not work within the same moral and ethical rules as the rest of society.

They do not love, they cannot accept responsibility for their actions; they are broken people and most likely will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anybody.

This is not meant to be a downer, nor an advocation for divorce. But let me be clear, people who exhibit this behavior on a day-in-day-out basis have done so for their entire lives.

They will not change. When you leave, they will find a new victim.

Do not delude yourself into thinking that having "a big talk" or going to counseling or "calmly pointing out their behaviors in a non-threatening manner" is going to fix it. It won't. There are some people that are just that broken. And people who are very very passive-aggressive are broken.

Kamela is absolutely correct - call it whatever you want, but what you are subjecting yourself to is pure abuse.

Val

16 Oct 2007, 11:58

I have been living with a PA for almost 19 years. We have been in counseling almost 11/2 years. We started out going together, but after a month or so I went alone. The reason was to help rebuild my self-esteem, so we could see what if any behavior changes my husband could make. As soon as it was time for him to acknowlede his contributions, he got up and left.Then he didn't go for a couple of weeks. Then he started to go again, then of course an emergancy at work came up. You get the picture. It really does not matter how you express your feeling to them. Your feeling are a lye. It seem ironic to me that I have wasted this time with a counselor to learn how to express my feeling without anger only to have him tell me that is not the way I feel. It gets me so frustrated when I read how the one who has been abuse for years is the one who has to make all the concessions to make the marriage work. It is suggested that you set boundries and when the over step them, make sure they have consquences. What kind of conquences could you possible set for someone who lives their life with no conquences. Nothing effects them. They are so locked behind their wall, if you are not a computer or TV you don't stand a chance. Kindness and quiteness and gentle communication to me is only a reward to them for bad behavior. It's what they want most because it totally gets them off the hook. It seem to me that instead of trying to make the abused one more passive the time would be better served teaching them how to co-exist thur distancing themself.

Kamela

16 Oct 2007, 19:39

Val,
Continue to get help for yourself. The stress can be life threatening for you. Stress can cause very adverse health issues. If you stay in the marriage get a life for yourself to make yourself feel better, self worth and much more. Look out for your well being, keep safe.
Keep smiling it is contagious.
Kamela

23 Oct 2007, 18:49

I have passive aggressive behaviors and I am a women. I learned them from my mother. Did it ever occur to any of you that your spouse uses passive aggressive behavior because they are not able to communicate directly with you? I personally do not like confrontation and have never liked it. It is much easier to deal with my demanding husband by saying yes, than to say no to his request and be yelled at. None of you I suppose has ever blown up at your spouse? May be you always do and your spouse has learned that is better to yes you to death than to deal with your overbearing behavior. Please see the other side too.

23 Oct 2007, 22:39

This is true there are two sides to the story and a middle as well. But it sounds like both of you are PA. Most PA expect the other to read the others mind I have found, and this is impossible. As well as understand why they are acting out instead of saying exactly what is on their mind. The other thing I have found is that if I try to communicate I am accused of starting an argument just for asking for a glass of water for example. Yes I have been pushed over the line to the point of yelling back and they don't like it when I use their behavior on them. Shoe on the other foot so to speak. This is when I said I can't take it anymore and sought help for myself. I can not fix my former partner but I can fix me. I am deserving of a health happy committed loving relationship. I am entitled to my feelings and thoughts. I don't know your situation but when people live together they expect things and this is normal. Good Luck be safe and best wishes.
K

Louise

24 Oct 2007, 11:44

I would say sure I will go with you to this event or that event. then I would find a reason not to go. I would join a church and go every week for a while, then not go for w long time. In my mind, I would tell myself that there were no rules about church attendance. My christianity was personal and did not depend on attendance. I did not realize that I just don't like being told that I am "expected" to do any thing. If I want to do something then great. Just don't start depending on me to be there. I realize that I am going to have to get some help here. I look back over my life and can see the relationships that I have left in tatters. Both personal and professional.

26 Oct 2007, 21:46

Isn't that why we get into relationships? Is to have someone we can depend on when it get's too much for just one to handle? Is to have someone we can count on? Someone to be there that we can depend on? To hold us to be buddies, to ....? Someone that allows it to be a two way street not just one way?
Professionals as well?

Tillie

27 Oct 2007, 20:30

I read this article when I was so diligently looking for answers to my daughter-in-laws behavior. I knew just a bit about passive agressive behavior years ago when I was told that I had tendencies toward this behavior when someone of authority pressured me to do things that were not the right things or ways to deal effectively and morally with a situuation that affects others or goes against policy that they should be following---me too! It got me in trouble more that once but I was able to let their behavior be know by the right people and then their behavior was challanged. My way of going about it was described to me as "passive agressive behavior"---I could not handle it so I passed it on to someone that I felt could, thus, I was punishing them in a round-about way. Sounded logical to me and decided to be less judgemental and work such situations out without the assistance of others. I liked the outcome---most of the time.

Back to the daughter-in-law issue. I have tried very hard to be what she needs me to be. Her mother passed away just a few years before she married my son. She openly and specifically asked me to not "mother" her because no one could ever nor would ever replace her mother. I tried very hard to honor her request(demand). From the beginning, though, I could see earmarks of behavior that was a bit unsettling for me. I passed it off as the tipical "Mother-in law" feelings that no one is good enough for my Son or Daughter. Now there are three children involved and I can see them taking on her behavior of lieing, stealing, blaming others for why they do or don't do things. I have talked to her about certian issues that involve just the two of us. At the time she says really nothing and her facial expression stays calm yet blank. Then later I hear from my son that she is tired of everyone in his family jumping on her for every little "damn" thing.

This article describes her to a "T"---just switch husband/he/him/his to wife/she/her/hers and "there she blows!" I am at my wits end because I don't want to be totally seperated from my son and grandchildren; but, I see the negetive influence she has on the development of personality and acts/actions of my son and grandchildren. I feel they are patterning their lives after hers for survival. My daughters have these concerns too. We don't know how to handle the situation. I don't want this to become one of those situations of "turn-around-is-fair-play". I won't treat her as she treats others and she knows this---so the saga continues. I am so tired of being used and abused by her and tired of seeing my son, grandchildren, daughter and others abused by her as well. How do I get rid of her strong hold on us without losing her. I care deeply for her but can't stand her passive-agressive ways! I was thinking that I should give this article to my son but am afraid he might get too upset. He says he knows his wife has ways different than "us" because she was raised differently and leaves it as that. If anyone has positive suggestions please freely give them to me. I am desperate to help my son and his family(daughter-in-law included)develope a happier living atmosphere that is good for all of them.

I want to thank you for taking time to hear me out. Thank you for letting me air my feelings.

Eliz Jean

29 Oct 2007, 18:21

You want the daughter in law to change but does she want to change? Probably not. To change she has to want to change and she has to be a part of the plan on how to change. If her present situation is satisfactory to her or she has a fear of failure or too much pressure is exerted or if she thinks the cost of the change means losing herself, or the rewards are inadequate or if she does not trust you or does not respect you or if she feels that you are personally going to benefit then she isn't ready and change is not going to happen.

It would be so easy if you could just communicate your wants and needs and the other person understood, could see that they have been wrong and accommodate you but they do not operate this way. She will immediately feel that she will lose control, that there is a chance of failing, PAs hate commitment and doesn't the fact that you want her to change signal that you disapprove of her? And even if she succeeds in changing, then she may fear that you will expect her to make all sorts of changes and demand more of her. It is just so much easier to avoid your controls and wants and needs and just sneak out of all of this change. PAs do not want to be controlled or to be depended upon. Besides a PA has a very difficult time admitting fault, it is easier to blame someone or something else and not have to really look at their own behavior.

My husband is a master of PA.

Shari

31 Oct 2007, 15:35

As a child of a passive aggressive father I have seen all too well what his behavior can do. I also tend to have passive aggressive characteristics that I assume I learned from him. He has been abusive most of my life and I always prayed that my mom would leave him when I was a child. As a child growing up in a household like this I would strongly URGE anyone on this board to think of your children first. This behavior does have a lasting effect on your children.

Kristin

10 Nov 2007, 19:37

This website has been wonderful to read. I thought I was crazy, as I have been told so often. I have been with my PA husband for 23 years and the thing that is so apparent to me is that I have wasted all this time on someone I continued to think was capable to loving me. I am 55 years old. I feel alone and isolated. I really see the future as grim. I am a Christian and so divorce has not been in my vocabulary. My husband's abuse started very early on but I had this vision of what could be. Every important event has been demolished, every joy killed without remorse. After reading all these posts is the situation just impossible to resolve. All I wanted was a partner that would share and live this life with me and what I have experienced is someone that has said he loves me and only shown me contempt and anger. I am just at a loss.
Kristin

15 Nov 2007, 00:25

I'm so sorry for all of us that have had to live like this. It is very draining to the spirit. We stay because they are good at making us doubt ourselves. I'm glad I came across this site because it has helped me to realize that really he will not change, probably cannot change. It has kind of released the anger that I have had inside for a number of years against him and I can look at it as what it is, and I feel so sorry for him, all that he has lost over the years, of not being able to truly connect with anyone.
I do have a question though. With the traits that I have seen on this site regarding our PA spouses. Obsessive television or computer activity, "forgetfulness", Lack of communication and accountability. Habitual demolition of social events. Lack of true friends or social contact. Is there any possibility this PA behavior is a form of autism? I just can't believe that one would choose to live their life hurting the ones that have tried to love them without there being a true mental illness involved.
Anyway, I've given it my all to make this relationship work and I've almost lost myself. Haven't liked who I've become, and it's time for me to stop being broken with him. Thank you all for letting it out, and showing so many of us we were not crazy or alone. I'm giving you all a hug cause we all deserve to be loved, it is not an unreasonable expectation, it is a human need (well, for most of us. =) )
Try to let go of the pain,anger and disappointment and focus on regaining yourself Kristin. Find the peace inside of you, find the love to give to yourself.

Joshua U (EarthlingCommunication.com)

18 Nov 2007, 02:12

@ J - PAs aren't blind to emotions. I use to be a PA myself. Most of the times it's just an inability to assert yourself. You learn that being sarcastic and forgetting things solves problems so you keep doing it.

Many of us show PA behavior more so than we'd like to believe! PA people aren't a second-class type of person. They just lack a skill. It's simply a way of describing a person who can't assert themselve!

Non-PAs are hardly any better at communicating. So people many here think they may be doing the right thing, but criticism, hatred, and being confrontal isn't any better than PA.

LoveCRguy

30 Nov 2007, 05:58

I noticed that a lot of the people on this page are women wrting about PA behaviour by men. I was warried to a classic PA for many years. This ended in divorce which was the most difficult of all.

Initially, I did not see the classic symptoms of this behavior when she was happy. The first clue, however, was the inability to make simple decisions or agreements. For example, "where would you like to eat tonight".
Answer, I don't know. How about Italian? I don't feel in the mood. You had to guess the right answer to keep her happy or she would exhibit negative behaviour after that. Frequently the silent treatment.
As the relationship deteriorted, the more overt signs of PA began to become a problem. ie. impossible to get her to do household chores, sarcasm, and procrastination.
It became so painful for me that I began to drink heavily as this was frustrating me so much.
The relationship ended in divorce and years of trying.

lisaann

01 Dec 2007, 20:01

I am so grateful that I found this page and all your comments. Oh My God is a common response I can see and for me as well. Sometimes my mouth drops open when my PA husband does some of the things he comes up with is amazing ( in a negative way) for someone to use that much intelligence to manipulate and control??? It is aliving H for sure. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and ball up and disappear! I used to think he was mentally disabled b/c of his ineptness. Even counselors don't seem to know what you ladies know - I tell them he is PA and they say oh and act like it is no big deal! As much as I know about psychology I still feel like I am going crazy and I call him on his PA all the time and I don't put up with it... I don't like to do it but sometimes I have to play the game to get it across to him. I took all of his 100+ Cd's and got rid of them! He damages my things things that are very important to me and then acts like it is no big deal.. I could go on and on... It is sad b/c I don't know what is worse staying and dealing with him and being with my 3 yr old all the time or leaving and knowing that his PA behavior will get worse b/c he is angry at me for leaving him and having to share custody of our child and not be around her when he has her and her learning it from him either way... it feels like torture to me. It is hard being so sad all the time and not being able to shake it.. I do recc. therapy it does help me cope.

lisann

03 Dec 2007, 12:41

Is there a new forum up yet? I just wanted to add -- that yes it is so difficult to always know the minute his PA behavior is going on and sit down. I don't know about you ladies but can't make a PA sit down and discuss their feelings! LOL that is the very thing they won't do and that is the BIG issue here. They are so cleaver at what they do that for me I don't even know it until I'm steaming. Also it is very stressful to have to always be on guard and Aware of what they are doing.(not healthy) It becomes a parent/child relationship instead of an adult/adult. They(in my experience) very emotionally immature! Mine likes to keep me on the confused and putting out fires side of life. I'm so busy in that mode it is sometimes very difficult to be superwoman and take care of the issues and his emotional needs too. I don't believe it is my problem to sit down with him and sort out his feelings he is a grown man.(even if he would do it)I try not to be his mother or an enabler! Just my experience. You can't make someone want to change. :)

Crystal

04 Dec 2007, 21:39

I am wondering if someone can help me here. I believe I have or had (part of the confusion) a PA boyfriend. This is the second time I have moved out.... and this time it is very confusing. He says things like I can not be with you right now (I am supposively selfish and nondependable) but maybe later it will work sure and he totally shut down and will not talk with me about our issues does he even understand what he is doing to me but hell he would sleep with me... this is not the man that I fell in love with... I feel so weak and bullied and defeated... you see he has a good heart...I am so sad... when things are good...they are so good and I feel so loved then with a blink of an eye bam he shut down .... this does not happen all the time... maybe becaused I learned not to make confrontation because he might shut down or not love me behavior... you see this is why I feel so defeated...I am sad and need some words... my sister told me about this behavior just recently for I would have never recognized it. I love him so much and feel tramatized. I alreadt had friends tell me to give up and he is selfish , its his ego and blah blah blah... it's not that easy...help

lisann

04 Dec 2007, 21:46

crystal I would suggest reading a book called "living with a passive aggressive man" and see if it resonates with you and your relationship. I wish you peace with it. I do understand.

Crystal

04 Dec 2007, 22:35

Oh and I have been reading books on men and women and differences in communication .... and I have tried to apply what I have learned.... it is definitely not just because of the differences of the sexes...I guess I have been trying to make excuses and am still in denial...why do I have compassion for someone that is treating me this way? I know everything I am writing may seem confusing and scattered but that is how I feel.

Crystal

04 Dec 2007, 22:38

Thank you lisann....I will get that book.

lisann

05 Dec 2007, 12:06

what I have come to know is that confusion is part of living with or dealing with a PA. I can say I stay that way lots... b/c of the fact that most of what they do is body language and not verbal and what they say doesn't match their actions and they try to put it off on the other person.. mine seems to have the "perfect guy" thing going on... so in the book it explains all that. hope it helps you as much as me.

Janeen

08 Dec 2007, 13:01

This is truly a "aha!" moment for me. Like "J" I thought maybe my husband had some form of autism and I still don't rule that out completely. Because he does seem to be socially unaware. To the point where I am afraid to take him to any social function because he manages to say or do something totally unappropriate EVERYTIME...to the point I can not leave his side so that I can run interference and hope to fix the fauxpas as it happens or explain to the person he is offending that he was "just joking". It can be exhausting. He is highly educated, has several degrees including a Masters degree but has lost several jobs mostly because of his arrogance and sarcasm with his superiors. At home he is basically lazy. When he is home he is either playing chess on the internet (for hours at a time). Or parked in front of the TV watching game shows. Any home maintenance inside or outside is done by me. Occasionally he will mow the lawn, usually with my prompting. The other behaviors that really puzzle me that make me wonder if this is more than PA is his littering in public places, (a real pet peeve with me), he will just open his car door in a parking lot and toss out his trash when there is a trash can just 20 feet away!?!? Or he feels it is O.K. to pee in the hot tub because he's too lazy to get out and use the bathroom!?!? Is this beyond PA? Why did I marry him? Didn't I see it before I married him, you are probably asking. I can tell you this..much of the PA behavior emerged soon after the wedding. When we were dating he treated me like a queen and showered me with attention and very helpful around the house, even, beyond the call of duty. (but don't we all put our best foot forward while we are dating?) Anyway if there were warning signs I didn't see them. I might also add here he still is very affectionate and has a kind heart, but we've only been married two years. After reading the article and this thread it has truly answered questions for me. His mother is very domineering and extremely "pushy" and has become so recently with me so I can see the origin. Also his Dad is very PA so it is obvious where all this came from. I will now pursue counceling because I want to be emotionally healthy myself and not let his behavior affect me to the point where I feel crazy (I'm beginning to feel crazy) Any insights that anyone out there may have would be most welcome.

lisann

08 Dec 2007, 13:31

Let me respond to a few of the posts. first and for most calling us idiots is really uncalled for. how can anyone know what is right for anyone else here. that is what people say to battered women and really is uneducated when someone says that b/c battered women know what they need to do to stay alive.. leaving isn't always the answer for everyone. I believe that there is lessons to be learned in every situation their PA behavior isn't going to stop when you leave.

Also Passive Aggressive behavior isn't passive and then later aggressive it is being passive and aggressive at the same time. Again I suggest "living with a passive aggressive man" book.. Also it isn't just a communication problem in my experience they know full well how to communicate they don't and they don't ( just my experience) to control... It is like having a emotionally immature child. They feel so low about themselves that this is how they choose to stay in control and even if it means to their own demise.

You can't do anything with them (again my experience) and yes they are going to hang on to it as if it was their life. My husband says being PA is like breathing it comes natural.. He is so intelligent but uses it in this way to undermine and manipulate and sabotage other's life. All you can do is change yourself and become immune to there tactics... I'm telling everyone we know so that I'm not keeping any secrets for him and so that also I'm not enabling it either. I wish that the media would bring this out so that people are more aware of it and then it wouldn't be so hidden underhanded. It is like the movie anger management only it isn't funny! and it goes deeper than the movie but in reality it is hidden anger inside them. ( just my experience) and it is true that it is their chosen way to live and who are we to say they shouldn't want to live like this... I'm learning to stop wanting things to change ( because it makes me insane) and start either accepting him this way and loving it or to leave... Just my thoughts! Venting helps! :) Peace!

lisann

08 Dec 2007, 13:40

Hey if enough people e-mail Oprah maybe she will have a show about it and bring it out in the open. Just a thought!

Robin

10 Dec 2007, 19:38

I feel like I've walked into other people living my same life. Luckily I haven't been with my guy as long as many of you and we're not married (and I don't see it heading that way). My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years. It started out great, but about 8 months into it, he moved in with me and that's when the trouble started. He's divorced and has two young girls (4&5) and we have them every other weekend. I used to align myself with him (who doesn't want to hear that an ex was the reason for a breakup), but I'm not that stupid anymore. I try to tell him it's not just one person's fault, but his ex is the reason for everything wrong in his life... she's the reason why he doesn't have a house, she cheated... but he vents his anger on me in, what do you know, passive aggressive ways. He can NEVER help me with anything, even though my home would be spotless if it weren't for him and his kids. If I ask him to help he does things half-way or not at all, so he knows I'll have to do it again or completely. Like some of you who've mentioned your husbands don't have any friends... mine doesn't either. Maybe one, but not a close friend. To be fair, he's from another country, but he's lived here way too long not to have a few friends, even ones from work. But honestly, I don't think any of his work peers really want to spend much time with him. Like many of your husbands, my boyfriend is good looking and eduated. He makes a terrific salary, but SOMETHING is always wrong. The guy is NEVER happy. Going to a restaurant makes me cringe (and I love eating out). The waiter is either coming to the table too often or not enough... the foods too this or too little that. He's so incredibly rude to waiters I wish the earth would swallow me whole.

We've been discussing moving to a house for some time now (I own a condo) and lately he's been pulling up houses 50 miles from my office. When I point out that I can't make that kind of commute, he simply says, "well I work from home." There is ZERO compromise.

He is even PA with his own kids. He lets the kids do whatever they want, scream, throw fits, bite one another, and eat ice cream for dinner because he knows it will tick off his ex and me (sorry, they may not be my kids, but I care about them and can't buy into the spoiling thing).

Is this a disaster? He nitpicks my friends (why are you friends with her?), my job (I work in a family business) and tells me I'm the one who nitpicks and has to micromanage everything (maybe now... I guess I had this ridiculous idea that people in a relationship support each other, help each other out, but with this one, if I don't do things, it doesn't get done.

Assertive Skills

- aggression though in a submissive way

Is Your Mate's Passive-Aggressive Behavior Crazy?

Comments